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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Can grandparents find out the sex?

32 replies

MrSMokEyNuTsS · 14/09/2017 10:08

I'm pregnant with baby#2 and we want to find out the gender but not at the hospital because with baby#1 the lady doing the ultras can was so moody and depressing she ruined the moment so this time my mother in law has planned on throwing us a gender reveal baby shower to make it special. The plan is for her to attend the scan and only her find out after we have left the room and then we find out at the party. I saw my midwife the other day and she said the hospital will not allow this...we are all gutted because she has to travel 200miles for the scan and has already spent a fortune on the party stuff.
The midwife also said they will only tell me not even the dad which I think is strange and I've never heard anything like this before so I'm asking if people have experienced the same issue or if it all seems like bull...?

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Dementedswan · 14/09/2017 10:10

Hmmm I can see why due to patient confidentially. Can you ask the scanner to write it down for you ?

PotteringAlong · 14/09/2017 10:12

Get them to write it down for you and put it in an envelope?

Or pay for a private gender scan if you're that fussed?

Ohmyfuck · 14/09/2017 10:12

In America where these gender reveal parties are common, it appears the scanner writes the gender of the baby on a piece of paper which the parents then pass to the baker, party planner, etc for them to organise the reveal party. Perhaps you could do that. That way, the gender is given to you, which you then pass to Grandma.

OurMiracle1106 · 14/09/2017 10:14

I think if You ask the sonographer to tell your mum but not you as it's a surprise party they will. But they would need your consent to do so. (And wouldn't be able to tell anyone even the father without it).

dinosaurkisses · 14/09/2017 10:17

When it was our 20 week scan they gave us the chance to be told together or not at all- they wouldn't write it down on the off chance they'd got it wrong. They can never say 100%, and would only advise "I'm fairly certain that's a girl".

I'd lay off the sonographer being grumpy- they have a tough job and it must be mentally quite taxing having to prepare yourself for the potential of giving unsettling news when you meet each patient, especially when the parents' main focus is finding out the sex rather than the other checks.

NoisyCircusStaleBread · 14/09/2017 10:20

"In America where these gender reveal parties are common, it appears the scanner writes the gender of the baby on a piece of paper which the parents then pass to the baker, party planner, etc for them to organise the reveal party. Perhaps you could do that. That way, the gender is given to you, which you then pass to Grandma."

Gosh sorry to rain your parade but that's really naff.

Also you can't find out the gender but you can find out the sex.

Gender: "the state of being male or female (typically used with reference to social and cultural differences rather than biological ones)"

I don't think a scan will reveal a state of being. What a weird trend.

Op, scans are medical I doubt the NHS has the resources to tailor their scanning procedures to your fanciful request.

Original poster

MrSMokEyNuTsS · 14/09/2017 10:20

I mentioned to the midwife about the option of them writing it down and she said her friend askd them to do that a few weeks ago and they said no. My and my partner have looked online since and apparently hospitals have refused to do this since 2012 but I don't understand why because you can't sue the hospital anymore if they get the gender wrong like you could years and years ago so I don't see why they wouldn't allow this. I'm still going to ask on the day but I don't want it to be a waste of journey for my mother in law. I did think about a private San and seen as your paying for it I guess they would happily tell whoever you want but they are so expensive or fully booked for the time frame we have , unless anyone knows of any offers?

OP posts:

EsmeeMerlin · 14/09/2017 10:23

Well the point of the scans are medical, not to find out the sex of the baby. It is a professional setting and I am not surprised they have that stance on it all.

Your best bet would be booking a private scan.

Fecho · 14/09/2017 10:25

You totally knew what op meant noisy

KadabrasSpoon · 14/09/2017 10:29

They'll only tell you because you are the patient not anyone else. They don't usually write it down as it's not usually medically important. They'll only record measurements and anything of concern.

I think your best bet would be to get a private scan done for the experience you want.

Original poster

MrSMokEyNuTsS · 14/09/2017 10:37

I guess I'll just have to keep looking for a scan in our time frame or leave it to be a true surprise and wait for little one to arrive but that means the mother in law has wasted so much money....ooh well these things happen right. I'll still ask at the hospital though just in case but at least I'll be prepared for a no haha

OP posts:

KadabrasSpoon · 14/09/2017 10:42

She hasn't wasted money as she can still travel and attend the scan. You could still find out and have a party. I don't understand why money is wasted?
Please remember that sonographers often have to give bad news and need to check everything is well with the baby. They are serious because it's a serious medical appointment.
There's so guarantee you can see the sex anyway. Sometimes cord is between the legs etc so it was never guaranteed.
Hope all is well

pufflepup · 14/09/2017 10:43

My scanner happily wrote it down for me. This was only last year.

Expectingbsbunumber2 · 14/09/2017 10:48

As people keep saying it is for medicos reasons but they ask if you want to find out the sex after the checks on baby. I can see the point in not wanting to tell others but don't see how it's the end of the world if you have gave consent on it.

Butterymuffin · 14/09/2017 10:51

If they've said no then you're stuck with paying for a private scan if you want to do this. They're not obliged to tell you in the specific way you want.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 14/09/2017 10:54

I hope you realise your mil will be expecting to know everything from now on if she gets the special treatment over the scan!!

TrunkiTrailer · 14/09/2017 10:58

MN is very down on gender reveals etc. No thread on this subject has any sympathy for the idea.

My sister had an NHS scan last year and I attended with her. She told the sonographer to tell me the gender after she left the room, the sonographer was fine about it and told me. I then baked a cake with a pink inside for her toddler to smash with his parents during a photo shoot. That is how they found out the sex.

Iggii · 14/09/2017 10:58

A private scan probably costs less than all the party crap she's bought! (Under £100 when I did it). Really the scan is for medical reasons and you are sounding a bit childish tbh.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 14/09/2017 11:11

The gender reveal party can still go ahead if you know already. I thought it was more to reveal it to your close family or friends and a celebration of the pregnancy, and a chance to eat cakes with lots of food colouring in.

I think it's a fair point to remind you that the 20 week scan is an anomaly scan. It's main purpose being to check the baby is developing properly and that your womb and placenta is healthy. I expect sonographers take this seriously and might be slightly irritated if you're making it all fun and games and focusing on the gender, with family members coming in and out, whispering and so on.

On the day, I expect they would write it down for you, perhaps with a disclaimer if necessary(?). The party's not ruined if you find out before. You're being a little dramatic.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 14/09/2017 11:17

*sorry perhaps I should have said focusing on the sex rather than gender. "Gender party" does sound more appropriate than sex party though.

St3phan1e · 14/09/2017 11:30

We had a gender scan (it is called that!) with babybond a couple of weeks ago as the baby wasn't in the right position at our anomaly scan to be certain- although she was right as it turned out. They do a variety of different ones but do a just gender scan for £39 so it's pretty cheap and have places all over the country. And as you're paying for it I'm sure they can be a lot more accommodating, they actually gave me a form with the sex on it at the end. You can book at www.ultrasound-direct.com

Lokissister · 14/09/2017 12:19

So many self righteous people on these type of threads. You always get the 'reveal parties are so naff' it's sex not gender' brigade - why can't people let others do what they want without the snarky comments.

OP window to the womb offer a GENDER scan for £39. I can recommend them having used them myself. Hope you have a fun party.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 14/09/2017 12:44

A private scan sounds like the way forward. I don't think you can expect an NHS sonographer to go out of their way to make the 20 week scan a special fun moment. They probably don't have time to discuss how you want the gender to be revealed and pander to various requests.

I'm sure your scanner wasn't moody, just getting on with the serious job of checking for complications. A light hearted fun atmosphere isn't really appropriate in that situation.

The time to make it all fun and celebratory is afterwards at your party.

Original poster

MrSMokEyNuTsS · 14/09/2017 13:32

Thank you I will take a look

OP posts:

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 14/09/2017 14:12

Thinking about it, your mother in law sounds very thoughtful and enthusiastic. Just don't feel too guilty if concealing the gender doesn't go quite as she planned. Perhaps she is getting a tiny bit carried away with how she wants it to be for her your party? I don't know.

Having a baby is special enough in my eyes so congratulations.

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