Shall I proceed with my pregnancy

[Firstlahh]

I've recently discovered I'm five weeks pregnant. My situation is really complicated. On a handful of occasions I've slept with someone who at the time I believed I had a rare and unique connection with. He isn't single but did tell me he didn't regret what happened between us and also felt something very connect wit me. He has a lot of stess in his life as his mother has cancer. Her cancer is breast cancer and very much treatable. There is no reason to think it will ever become terminal but naturally he is very upset and stressed. My mother passed away from cancer five years ago and I think how I could relate to him and support him bought me close to him. We also work for the same company and I am more senior. We would both destroy our careers if this came out. I'm 30 years old and single. I've not got any children at the moment and since the death of my mum have thrown myself into my career. I have a sister and god parents and a strong group of friends but no one who would be practically able to help me on a day to day basis. He is insistent that I abort the baby as he doesn't feel it is right for s child to come into the world like this. His father left his mother when she was in the early stages of pregnancy and he grew up without a dad. This has hurt him throughout his life and he doesn't want that for a child. He feels if he tells his girlfriend she will leave him and report us at work. He can't tell his mother and believes she will be deeply ashamed of him. I've tried to tell him if he wishes for me to do so I will never tell anyone the child is his and we can live seperare lives but he doesn't want that either. I really care for this man and I want to help him through a stressful time in his life. I have an appointment booked for an abortion but I don't think I can go ahead with it and I need some realistic guidance. I've had dreams about my baby, I've felt sick and been sick so much it's impossible to avoid the reality of being pregnant. I keep thinking about how my baby will look, if it will look like my mum. I never ever wanted children and my life is so far removed from it being practically viable. I live two hours away from work and stay in the city I work in in the week. I am only financially secure because I work so hard but I own my own house so I understand I wouldn't get much in the way of help. When my mum died I was diagnosed with PTSD and I don't think I can cope with either an abortion or the risk that some women get post natal depression. I don't want to hurt this man or ruin my life. I don't know what to do but I do feel so protective of my baby and the thought of killing it is making me feel so guilty and so wrong. I've looked into adoption but I can't stand the thought of someone else doing it. I would need to know my child is safe and loved. I am not anti abortion and when I was younger I did have one but I feel so different this time. I'm scared I'll have the abortion and regret it for the rest of my life. I'm also terrified of being alone with a baby without a partner or my mum. I'm going to break his heart if I go ahead with this and I think he will run away. I feel I want to be brave but I'm honestly not sure what the right decision is. Life isn't a fairy tale and he might be right that doing this will be wrong for the baby. Has anyone had a situation like this ?

You have said you aren't sure you can go through with an abortion.
You have said you kept thinking about your baby.-
And that you think you wouldn't cope after having one.

Sounds like You want this baby..

What he does with his girlfriend is upto him. If you don't want her to know. Is he really going to tell her?! Or is he saying that to you so that you think shel report you to work and lose your jobs.. like a form of blackmail?

No one can tell you what to do though

I have dc to a married man. .
He hasn't seen them for years. . They don't know who he is and never will. He will never leave his wife and although she knows about them she will never accept them or 'allow' him to see them and he is too spineless to say he wants to. Although he did when they were babies. Before she knew.
I love my dc and have absolutely no regrets.
Understand your baby will likely always be a secret and you will never have acceptance from him as he is duty bound elsewhere
BUT having the baby will be no less special and motherhood no less fantastic if you go it alone.
You family will still love you regardless of your decision to have a child. If you know you will love it wholeheartedly then congratulations op.
Will be hiding this thread now to avoid the flaming. .
Good luck op.
I know life is never black or white when it comes to the man you love.

You sound as though you want the baby, so keep it. This man doesn't care about you at all, he's shagging you behind someone's back, got you pregnant and now is terrified of people finding out and knowing what he's done, without any thought for what you want or of how it's going to affect you. I fell pregnant after a very short relationship with someone, he begged me to have an abortion but I refused. Now that man is nothing to me and a distant memory but I have a beautiful son who's nearly 9.

I think you have to decide for yourself what's right around keeping the baby or going ahead with an abortion.

However. What does come through very strongly is that you're projecting a ton of stuff on this man and are way overinvolved with him. He's not yours to save, and wouldn't be even if he were single. He's a cheater. And when this comes out at work (and it will definitely come out if you keep the baby) it will be you, as his superior, who is in trouble.

I really think you need to make a clean break from this man, starting with changing jobs if you can. At the very least I would cut off communication with him and think really hard about what future you want, whether it's going ahead with this pregnancy or not, because it's clear you'll be raising the baby alone if you keep it and I doubt if your relationship would survive a termination you felt ambivalent about.

most important.
Are you ready to be a single parent?
It isn't a disaster people do it v well all the time. However if you speak to some you will find there are a lot of challenges that come along with that.
I wouldn't do it personally but that is not important to your decision.
Good luck with your choices. I would recommmend you talk to a counsellor in rl what ever decision you make

Thank you for replying so quickly. I think he is probably a good man. The thought has crossed my mind that it might be to scare me but I think he is so frightened himself. I'm just so worried that I'll go ahead and my child will have a half life because my life is just not prepared for children. I live so far from work and that can't change. Does the love you feel really mean that doesn't matter or is that just something nice people say? I know my own emotional stability and I know I will love this baby but he is convinced that it's not right to bring s baby into this

I understand what you are saying and others have said the same but I remember so many vivid emotions of terror when my mum was unwell and he loves her and is scared I wanted to support him and instead I'm putting him under insane stress. I don't think that's a good enough reason but the thought of hurting him is so bad because his mum is ill and he says he realises how much he would hurt his girfriend. I am genuinely scared he is right and I am letting my emotional connection to the baby win out what is realistic. Will I actually be able to do it alone? I've asked him if he has considered if he could stick by me but he wants to move back to where he is from which is almost five hours away. He doesn't want a child to grow up without a father but also doesn't want to bring one up.

Sounds like he's being a bit selfish to me... has he considered at all how you must feel ?!

You and the baby are the most important things in this.

You need to make a decision based on what you want and can live with, not on what he wants or is worried about.

You will have to live with whichever decision you make, whilst he will mostly likely just walk away and keep living his life with his girlfriend.

You should ask mnhq to move this thread to 'pregnancy choices' as can be quite upsetting for women who are trying/struggling to conceive for those early in pregnancy to see threads like this. Also you'll get responses from people in similar situations.

Sorry but he clearly doesn't give a flying fuck about you.
He is not a good man if he's cheating on his gf.
He is not a good man if he is pushing for you to have an abortion.
You don't want to have an abortion so don't do it just cos he says you should. Sounds like you would regret it for rest of your days.
As already said you need to cut ties with this man immediately for your own good.
If he didn't want a baby he should have been careful.

You MUST stop thinking you can support this man through his hard time. It is absolutely inappropriate on several levels.

Whether you keep the baby or not, you really can't continue to be his emotional support. It is utterly unfair to his partner who trusts him. Your integrity is more important than this misplaced sense of being needed by him. He has a partner who he should be leaning on. Not some person from work. Don't be deceived by your 'connection'. It's brain chemicals and biology, designed to drive humans to reproduce, nothing more.

You need to cut contact back to purely professional levels or else change jobs, though it's really hard :(

As for the pregnancy, nobody can decide but you, it will be so difficult being a single mum with a career but the love for a child can't really be quantified like that, and is very complicated. I love my youngest child to pieces but often fantasise about how much simpler life would be if we hadn't gone for a third.

Getting mixed up with someone who's attached can feel so noble and special and above morals, but it's actually not, it's just a common affair. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like absolute hell.. it's very hard.

You do not sound like you want to terminate this pregnancy.
You can go for your appointment and speak to the counsellor that is usually on offer if you want. You can pull out of going through with whatever procedure offered.

He sounds weak and selfish, a 'good man' maybe, but not when tested as he currently is. While I can understand his reasons for not wanting this baby, it is NOT up to him, not at all. It's up to you.

Do not have a termination for anybody else.
Do it if is right for you, for no other reason.

OP

I have been in a similar situation before, except ex-P was a manager and I wasn't. He didn't want the baby and told me he would make sure I didn't have a job if I kept it (turns out he was also a liar as well as a scumbag). So I got a termination. Our relationship ended because I despised him.

Please make your own decision OP, the one that is best for you. Don't let anyone force your hand.

Thank you - how do I go about asking for the trail to be moved?

No I wouldn't have this child. You believe you have enjoyed a unique connection. He clearly does not. He isn't interested in a relationship beyond sex and is moving 5 hours away and does not want a child.
You sound like you quite enjoy the whole thwarted love scenario but that may pall when you're on your own with a cranky baby and no contact with its dad. You sound like you couldn't accept his decision not to be involved and would continue to persue him in some way.
It's doomed.
Have a baby with someone who loves you and will be a brilliant dad.

Press the report button on your post and put it in a message saying you would like to move it over.

Hi, since my last post I have had a miscarriage and the man in question has reported at work claiming that I harrassed him which is completely untrue. I’ve previoisly been advised I’ve used the incorrect group for this communication. Where is this post best place?

If I were you I'd have the baby. Sounds like you are ready and love it already! He has to live with his own decisions!

Sorry to hear about your MC
The guy was a cheater, selfish and is now lying?? He sounds like a complete douche!
Hope you’re ok OP xx

I am so sorry to hear that you had a miscarriage.

As for the man in question, I am also really sorry to read that you are now having to cope with him doing that on top. I hope that you have some legal help or union help to deal with it. It sounds like a messy situation and a lot of stress.

If you wanted to post a new post you can post it here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage
or the other section that was suggested was pregnancy choices: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy_choices

Honestly, the bottom line is that you are going to be on thin ice with the work issue. It was inappropriate for you to have a relationship with someone who reported to you and any communication you sent to him that overstepped the bounds of "professional" is going to be proof you did harass him, because as your junior he was not truly free to consent or decline.

I would get legal advice asap and prepare a worst case scenario.

I am sorry about your miscarriage.

@Hairgician so true. All I heard was this man, this man...and it made me so sad (and proud in womankind I must admit) that we care so much for these men! But op it totally sounds like you want this baby and the fact you are worrying so much about him (the spineless wimp) actually just shows how good you are at looking after someone else.

Money wise , you own your own house so are already winning, they can't fire you for being pregnant- unfair dismissal (though the court payout would probably be worth it lol!)

you will be able to claim child tax credits and child benefit (which will be just over 300 pounds a month) once the baby is born. You will also be able to claim working tax credits when/if you return to work. Income support can also be claimed for a single parent (though all these may come under universal credit by next year but cross that bridge when you get there!).

But anyway, you'll be entitled to maternity pay and maternity leave so stop worrying about money, you'll be absolutely fine. Its older kids that are expensive anyway

good luck op

Oh no I just saw your new, so sorry about you troubles hope you are ok

I think that if he slept with you and you can somehow prove that it hardly counts as harassment- what is he saying that you raped him?