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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Difficult relationship with pregnant DSIS

36 replies

pomadas87 · 11/09/2017 16:37

I would really appreciate some advice about how to handle things with my sister as it's making me so down.

DSIS is 2 years older than me and struggled with unknown fertility problems for last 4 years. I announced pregnancy earlier this year and felt awful doing it as I was aware of their issues conceiving, I was so worried about telling her. I broke the news over text first and said to call me when she wanted to chat. She did after about a week and was pretending to be cheery but I could tell she wasn't happy and seemed so sad. She even said "well we can get properly excited when the baby's actually here" I felt awful for weeks about it.

Fast forward 4 weeks later and she calls me (the most excited I've heard her in years) to say she was 17 weeks pregnant and due the same week as me. I was THRILLED for her, genuinely. Turns out she got dates muddled and was a month further along than initally thought. So when I announced my pregnancy she thought she was just 8 weeks or so along and didn't want to say anything (totally understandable).

Since then I had hoped it would be a really special time both being pregnant and due so close but she just isn't interested. She doesn't return phone calls, one word answers to texts, never asks how I'm doing. I saw her this weekend for the first time (we live 100s of miles away) and I asked her lots of questions about her and baby but she just talked about herself and didn't seem interested in me at all.

I am so confused and I'm finding it very upsetting, it's as if she is the only one that is pregnant and she doesn't want to know about me and my baby at all. It is just me and her we don't have any other siblings and have usually been close over the years.

Any advice on what I should do or say? One of my friends said I shouldn't say anything and just let her enjoy being pregnant as she's waited so long - what do others think?

Sorry for the long post Blush

OP posts:
2014newme · 11/09/2017 16:40

It's massively stressful being pg after years of fertility treatment you keep thinking it's going to go wrong. Cut her some slack hopefully when babies arrive she'll enjoy both having babies at same time.
Don't say anything to her, don't for everyone her to tell you that she's stressed and fearful. Be kind.

RandomMess · 11/09/2017 16:44

I should think she is utterly petrified of something going on wrong and just can't deal with it.

Can you imagine if something goes wrong for either of you when your pregnancies are mirroring each others?

I would keep in touch with "love you, thinking of you" type texts/cards.

cakesandphotos · 11/09/2017 16:47

Agree with PP, she's probably terrified at the thought of losing the baby and having to go all the way back to square one. We only ttc for 18 months and I felt like this in the first few weeks. I was so happy and excited but also terrified. It's worn off now so maybe with time, she'll relax more and be more approachable. I wouldn't take it personally, she's been through a lot Smile

SleepFreeZone · 11/09/2017 16:49

I would think the same. I didn't want to talk about my successful pregnancy at all after all my miscarriages.

Bluerose27 · 11/09/2017 16:53

Did she just talk about herself or about herself and her pregnancy/baby.

She has already told you she is wary of talking about the baby until it arrives. I don't mean to sound patronising but I don't think people who have not had fertility issues can really understand that being pregnant does not mean a healthy baby at the end of it. It is often very difficult for someone who has had difficulties to enjoy a pregnancy as much as someone who luckily has not had the devastating effects of miscarriage/infertility.

So although for you it would understandably be lovely to share this special time with your sister, every time someone asks her "are you excited?" "How long have you left?" Etc etc she is probably thinking "oh god please let this baby stick"

And that's not something you're thinking every second of the day so you can't understand.

I really hope my words are not coming across as harsh, I don't mean them to be. But try to put yourself in your sister's shoes

Loopytiles · 11/09/2017 16:56

Agree with PPs: she is probably just very anxious about it, and perhaps also worried about you. Perhaps she will behave differently when both DC arrive safely.

Chrisinthemorning · 11/09/2017 16:58

If it's that long awaited, it is possible/ likely that she's massively anxious about it. She may not want to jinx anything or talk babies until both of you are safely delivered.
Don't worry about it, if you see her just say how are you and see if she brings it up. If she does great, if not talk about other stuff. Once you both have healthy babies it should all be fine, (but don't fall into any competitive parenting traps!)

Original poster
pomadas87 · 11/09/2017 16:58

It is makes a difference she was talking excitedly about herself and her baby (we're both 30 weeks now) - I.e shopping for prams, nursery decorated, shortlist of names decided etc. She was happy to talk about her plans but never asked about mine. I don't think she's ever asked how I am since being pregant.

I will keep up with the cards and texts but it's not that she seems worried at all - quite the opposite - but just not interested at all.

OP posts:
Bluerose27 · 11/09/2017 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluerose27 · 11/09/2017 17:01

Actually I'm not happy with my post above and will ask mods to delete it. Sorry all

RandomMess · 11/09/2017 17:01

She's just being self-absorbed, again after 4 years it's all very much about her!

She is possibly unreasonably upset and jealous that you are stealing her thunder...

TwitterQueen1 · 11/09/2017 17:04

You need to suck it up I'm afraid OP. I think it's perfectly understandable. You might not be happy about it but of course she's not going to be very interested in anyone else.

asongforthelovers · 11/09/2017 17:25

Think this is fairly normal, sorry.

Wait for when the babies are born, will no doubt be a competition of milestones. Not saying your like that but some women are, it's sad!

Paddinginglon · 11/09/2017 17:25

Treat her with the same disinterest she is treating you with. Just because she has struggled to conceive doesn't make her baby more special than yours. I will not bother anymore and step back and wait for her to get in touch.

asongforthelovers · 11/09/2017 17:26

What paddinginglon said.

FuzzyOwl · 11/09/2017 17:28

Do you think she feels annoyed that she has tried and waited for so long and when she can finally announce to everyone, her sister has already beaten her to it?

I've had miscarriages and my first baby was due within weeks of my nephew. It didn't stop me sharing the family excitement and being polite about it.

Original poster
pomadas87 · 11/09/2017 18:30

Thanks for the thoughts all - I'm still confused as to whether say something or just step back though? Better to not say anything at all?

OP posts:
thingymaboob · 11/09/2017 18:49

I was pregnant the same time as my sister in law. I then had a miscarriage and when she gave birth to her baby (I'm close to her and my brother), I couldn't bare to be in the same room as them and cried the entire time I first met my nephew. I didn't want to hold him. Fast forward another two months, my other sister in law announced her pregnancy and I cried for 2 days and went absolutely mental at a family meal.
It's really hard to know exactly how she's feeling but I imagine she's being distant to protect herself from getting hurt. It's petrifying when you've had problems conceiving and it feels really unfair that others get pregnant so easily. I would just give her some space.

Original poster
pomadas87 · 12/09/2017 06:48

Okay thank you, I appreciate the advice

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 12/09/2017 10:08

Whatever her difficulties (and can relate) she has been rude and unkind to talk a lot about her pregnancy and not ask you how you are. You say you have a generally good relationship but live far apart, which makes talking about it now difficult, so might be best to see how things are when the babies arrive.

If she continues to talk about herself and not ask about you I might start talking about myself or make a sarcy comment at the time!

Paddinginglon · 12/09/2017 10:17

thingymaboob I am really sorry about your mc. Having been through the same myself, I can totally relate to that. However you cannot compare your situation to the OP.
OP's DSIS is talking about her own pregnancy and completely ignoring OP's pregnancy. It is unkind, self absorbed and inconsiderate.

thingymaboob · 12/09/2017 10:59

@Paddinginglon but women who have had fertility problems or any problems in general with pregnancy become very protective of their own pregnancy and some take it to the extreme. OPs sister is probably really anxious and freaked out as having a pregnancy mirror her own might be really stressful and she might not be aware of her doing it. Its probably not that she's being unkind, I think there's probably something deeper going on which needs consideration, especially as she's had various struggles. OPs sister has 4 years of emotional baggage. It's hard to shake that off and be happy or relaxed about own pregnancy or anyone else's. I'm very chatty about my current pregnancy but in private I am really worried about everything.
I'm sure OP would like to give her sister the benefit of the doubt and not assume she is being unkind and insensitive like you have done.

Paddinginglon · 12/09/2017 11:07

So you are okay to talk about your own pregnancy to others but can't be bothered to ask others about theirs? Because that's what OP's sister is doing.

thingymaboob · 12/09/2017 12:08

We don't actually really know the subtleties of what is going on. We have a very brief description of what the OPs perception is. I'm not saying that what OP is perceiving is incorrect, but her sister might have a completely different perception. She might just be putting a brace face on and be completely overwhelmed. It would be quite unusual for someone who you'd normally have a close relationship with to suddenly behave badly / differently without a cause. I'm sure OP would know if her sister was normally an unkind or insensitive person but OP seems surprised by her sisters behaviour. What I'm saying is that her sister should be given the benefit of doubt and given some space, which she clearly wants.

Original poster
pomadas87 · 13/09/2017 05:04

thingy but this is the point I'm struggling with is that she doesn't seem anxious or scared at all - just very excited, happy and really organised!

OP posts: