Difficult relationship with pregnant DSIS

[pomadas87]

I would really appreciate some advice about how to handle things with my sister as it's making me so down.

DSIS is 2 years older than me and struggled with unknown fertility problems for last 4 years. I announced pregnancy earlier this year and felt awful doing it as I was aware of their issues conceiving, I was so worried about telling her. I broke the news over text first and said to call me when she wanted to chat. She did after about a week and was pretending to be cheery but I could tell she wasn't happy and seemed so sad. She even said "well we can get properly excited when the baby's actually here" I felt awful for weeks about it.

Fast forward 4 weeks later and she calls me (the most excited I've heard her in years) to say she was 17 weeks pregnant and due the same week as me. I was THRILLED for her, genuinely. Turns out she got dates muddled and was a month further along than initally thought. So when I announced my pregnancy she thought she was just 8 weeks or so along and didn't want to say anything (totally understandable).

Since then I had hoped it would be a really special time both being pregnant and due so close but she just isn't interested. She doesn't return phone calls, one word answers to texts, never asks how I'm doing. I saw her this weekend for the first time (we live 100s of miles away) and I asked her lots of questions about her and baby but she just talked about herself and didn't seem interested in me at all.

I am so confused and I'm finding it very upsetting, it's as if she is the only one that is pregnant and she doesn't want to know about me and my baby at all. It is just me and her we don't have any other siblings and have usually been close over the years.

Any advice on what I should do or say? One of my friends said I shouldn't say anything and just let her enjoy being pregnant as she's waited so long - what do others think?

Sorry for the long post

Perhaps she is just being utterly self absorbed?

I've seen it happen before. Woman becomes pregnant and no-one or nothing else matters anymore!

Worst case ever was someone with an IVF baby but next to that we're people who hadn't had any particular issues that I was aware of. Most people who struggle to conceive are not like this, but those who are like to throw out gems such as "my baby is more special/precious". One went as far as something about the fact my baby due the same time didn't count as it was my 4th clearly had she died it wouldn't have been even upsetting as I had other DC...

Perhaps your sister isn't the person you thought she was? Parenthood certainly changes some people notably...

OP come on. You really can't understand why your sis who's been trying for 4 years is so self-absorbed in her own pregnancy? I think you need to reign it in. Live and let live. Don't say anything and take a step back. You have no idea what's going on with your sister - she could have any number of problems. How interested were you when she was receiving infertility treatments?

If it has taken her four years to get pregnant, it's not surprising she is very caught up in it all. Imagine if you'd been dreaming about and planning something for that long, as well as managing the absolute fear it would never happen, possibly having to cope with failed treatment and invasive tests, worrying about spending your life savings, or getting into debt to do ivf.

No baby or pregnancy is more special than another but I do like to think of in the context of this analogy - your DSis had to run a grueling marathon to get pregnant, only to find you at the finish line already without you even having had to run a mile. Her exhausting journey has probably made her very focused indeed on her pregnancy - it will be how she found the strength to keep going, by thinking about that goal.

If I were you, I'd be very grateful that you didn't have to go through all that trauma yourself, cut her some slack, enjoy your own excitement and your DH's and the rest of the family, and see how things are when the babies arrive. Infertility is heartbreaking and difficult, and those that haven't gone through it should rejoice and enjoy their babies, instead of judging others reactions without having experienced any of the suffering.

Also, getting pregnant after infertility doesn't magically erase the suffering that came before it. Even if it appears that way on the surface.

I completely understand that the sister will have very complex feelings about her own pregnancy and that it is likely very upsetting for her that after so long TTC that it isn't what she had in mind to be sharing the family's attention about the impending baby with another baby but I still do think that whatever the sister is feeling she should muster up a simple 'I hope everything is going smoothly with your pregnancy' or some such similar reference to it.

@tigerdog I couldn't have said it better myself.

@INeedNewShoes - I would expect the kind of behaviour her Dsis is showing, when the infertility is something that isn't talked about, or if OP didn't show interest in the infertility. If you don't ask after someone when their chips are down they will return the favour.

nuttynoo very supportive I think.
We have a tiny family, just me her and mum (plus husbands) and we all live 100s of miles apart.
I was always there for her when she was having tests, courses of hormones treatments, I convinced her to try acupuncture and yoga and go to counselling. I think I do appreciate the pain of the last few years - I know it didn't happen to me but I can still appreciate it.

So it seems the consensus is that I should not say anything about she's hurting my feelings and let her enjoyed her much longed for pregnancy. My other question is how will this ever be resolved? After the babies are here do I just keep trying?

Hi Op
Congrats on your pregnancy. I don't think you are being unreasonable to be upset that your sister isn't acknowledging your pregnancy. Your pregnancy is equally as precious even though your sister has had fertility issues, and its sad that she can't offer you some interest. ( I've suffered recurrent pregnancy loss 7 to be precise but still am able to ask about other's pregnancies even though I might be consumed with rage envy and sadness)
If I were you, I wouldn't say anything about it, just try and keep in touch normally, and when you ask her via text about her and her baby's well being, just add some information about you and your pregnancy whether she asks or not. Don't let it upset you and spoil things.
Once the babies are here maintain that, and hopefully normal service will resume. Take care

Been a while since I posted my original thread - wanted to update that nothing has changed and it still makes me so sad.
Yesterday I spoke to my mum who said my sister and her husband were going to stay for the weekend, as my sister was going out to to lunch with some friends (they live about 3 hrs away from DM).
I then saw on Facebook today a picture of clearly my sisters baby shower in a restaurant.
I know it's her choice who she invited but it really stings to not have been asked, I would have loved to go and celebrate with her. Feeling sad and thinking things will never be the same again between us.