Labour alone?

[anxious101]

Is it possible to cope with labour by yourself? I think I've come to the decision that this is best for me for a number of reasons. My partner has made it clear that he really doesn't want to be there and to be honest I've got to the stage where I agree. I am unable to ask my close family members for very difficult reasons and there is no one else I would feel comfortable with. What would you all do?

Sorry to hear that your partner isn't being supportive. Is there not anyone at all you could ask? Personally for me I wouldn't like to go through that on my own

Do you mean without a birthing partner, but would have a midwife there?

That's what I did for DD. Her father was present for the actual pushing stage but I did the other 30 hours on my own.

It was fine but I was lucky to have a lovely midwife. Looking back (it was 16 years ago) I think she felt sorry for me being on my own.

Yes it's possible. But depends on you. Tbh some people prefer it. I'm one of those people who like to be left alone when in pain or unwell.

Assuming you are going into a hospital/birthing centre I'm sure the midwives will be very supportive and attentive to your needs. Especially if they know you are doing this alone. Perhaps discuss it with your midwife at your next appt?

I would investigate doulas, who can offer birth support. Is money an issue? If so I may have other recommendations too, but my first suggestion would be a doula who you feel comfortable with.

I wouldn't really feel comfortable with a doula there either, tbh the only person I'd really want is my husband. My sister has very recently just been told that she is unable to have children so can't ask her (although I know she would in a heartbeat..she's just really struggling to come to terms with the news naturally and I'm not putting that on her) and my mother is unwell. I even chickened out of my antenatal classes, my husband decided last minute that he didn't want to attend and I just couldn't face them alone after watching all the other couples walking in together.

Maisie, yes hopefully in a midwifery led unit at the local hospital.

What's your husband's reason for not wanting to be there and not attending pre natal classes? Are you not disappointed by the complete lack of practical support by your child's father?

I could have laboured alone as I had a short uncomplicated labour but I would never have chosen to do it on my own

My dh was there for my labour/ds's birth but tbh I'd have been fine without him there! I'd have preferred to not have him there but that seemed a bit mean really..

No particular reason, just not comfortable I suppose. And yep, it is disappointing but I can't do anything about that.

Hmmmm, interesting question. I think I could have done the actual giving birth bit alone. Both times I ignored DH once things really got going.

That said I could not have done the 10 hours at home I did first time round, got myself dressed and to hospital and coped immediately after the birth without DH. I really needed support for all those bits. Even just having him sort a clean nightie and baby clothes out my bag was really helpful.

I guess it depends whether you mean you want to do the whole thing alone or just the actual giving birth bit.

Hi with dd1 I was also wondering about having dh there or not, he seemed terrified by the idea (his first wife had a traumatic labour where he was present) and I am also quite a shy person and was a bit daunted by the idea of people seeing me half naked and screaming
Dh also wriggled out of antenatal classes and I went once and didn't return and came home and had a massive go at him (to be fair he has been a great dad since dd1 arrived).
Here is my advice. DEFINITELY go for a doula, just look into it. They sometimes do reduced rates if you are on a low income.
The doula I used put me totally at ease and helped me have a good delivery of Dd1. Unlike midwives who sometimes have other patients, she can be there all the time and get you snacks etc, whatever is needed.
I am so grateful to the doula that helped us.
The other tip I'd give is chat to your dh about coming with you to hospital for the beginning bit of labour. There can be a lot of hanging around before active labour kicks in and it's nice to have him for company I found.
In the end dh stayed for the whole labour and I was really glad, he was a nice calm influence and he enjoyed being there as well.
All the best xxx

I gave birth to my 2nd DS alone, my labour just went too quickly and my DP didn't get there in time.
No ones fault but I did feel very sad afterwards that he'd missed it and cross with myself for telling him to go home when my induction wasn't progressing, it took a while to work through it and it did over shadow DS2s arrival for a while.
Your husband is being incredibly selfish I must say, he should put his feelings aside and be there for you and your baby.
How can he think of his own comfort instead of what you'll be going through to bring his child in to the world?

Just not comfortable?! Seriously? How comfortable does he think you're going to be whilst having his child? I could just about accept that he doesn't want to be there for the labour but to not even support you by attending the classes? Poor show is putting it mildly

It's hard to know how well you'll cope alone until it happens unfortunately. Does your husband not want to be there at all or just for the pushing part? I'd be making him personally, you probably don't want to be there either but it's not like you have a choice. He needs to step up and put you before himself.

Maybe too simplistic but could you go live with your sister who is desperate for a baby and would help you bring them up in a loving environment? If your husband can't attend classes or support you at your most vulnerable I don't think he is going to be a good father and he is certainly not a good partner. Sorry you are going through this.

It's definitely doable. I preferred to just get on with it by myself. With DC1 DH was around but only came into the room at the very end. With DC2 he missed it entirely because he was dropping DC1 at nursery (very quick labour!)

That said, it's about what you want. If you want him there then I think him "not being comfortable" is a bit poor.

Gosh how awful to be married to someone who is unwilling to support you through one of the most monumental times in your life.

Fwiw I would have been happy to labour and deliver just me abd MW for dc2 and beyond, but I was so glad dh was there for dc1 as it was so long and stressful.

Id have a bigger question iver my relationship if he simply isnt supoorting you which this seems to be.

If it all goes well you'd probably be OK alone, but what happens if it doesn't? I can't properly remember what happened towards the end of my first labour, and am very glad DH was there to advocate for me and also tell me what happened afterwards. I went through 4 shift changes so even if the staff are lovely it did feel a bit impersonal by the last lot as I couldn't remember names etc. Dh also helped with practical stuff like getting things in and out of the car. If you have to go to theatre e.g. for stitching afterwards, would you want someone to hold the baby?

I'd definitely look into a doula, and if there isn't anyone you'd want in the room with you is there anyone you'd consider asking to be there in the waiting area for you, just in case?

Just to add, OP, I wasn't in a relationship with DD's father at the time of her birth. We had split about 4 months previously.

I was in labour alone. Not by choice. Please don't do it.

I would have struggled without DH being there - the person who knows me best, knew what I was worried about and could help me when I needed it.

I think you need a serious conversation with your DH - being uncomfortable is pathetic.

Definitely doable on your own! My situation was rather different where first time around we knew our son wouldn't survive (too premature) and I was so scared about it all that DH didn't let go of my hand unless he needed the loo in which case he'd call a midwife to the room to be with me.

Second time around and with a normal labour and healthy baby on the way? Yeh I could do it myself.

He realises that he'll just need to sit next to you, hold your hand and say supportive and encouraging things right? He isn't expected to roll his sleeves up and dig in James Herriot style.

I don't know how I'd have got through it without my DH to be honest. The midwife can't be there every second to hold your hand and reassure you.

Your partner's attitude stinks. Why on earth would he want to leave you go through that on your own?

Does he imagine that what he will be going through will be worse than you?
If he can't sit there and hold your hand I have no idea how he will cope with the sleepless nights and all the stresses of parenting. He should be embarrassed.