Visitors after the birth - opinions please

[Hannabee123]

Hi everyone

I was just wondering about thoughts / experiences about having visitors after the birth. This is going to be my first and I have a very possessive and controlling mother in law.. I am thinking about not having visitors whilst in hospital and trying to limit them once I am home. I partly feel like I am being unfair though and don't really want any hassle.

Did you ladies encourage or avoid alot of visitors after you gave birth?

We encouraged people to come to the hospital as then the time they could visit was limited. Then we asked for no more visitors when my husband was on paternity leave.

I encouraged people to visit. It was nice that people were interested and cared enough to want to visit.

I didnt tell anyone that baby had arrived for a couple of days to avoid having to burst the bubble of me and my little family.

Caused some upset but I didn't give a shit.

Some people love loads of visitors and to share the first days, some just want time to themselves and their partner and that's ok too.

Start as you mean to go on op. Do what you want to do on your terms and don't allow anyone else to control the sitiation.

Didn't tell anyone I was in labour, didn't take my phone to the hospital, didn't invite my family till I was ready.

MIL turned up at hospital screaming to get into the room while I gave birth, the day I was home she was at my house with her friends and took my son for hours. Gave me horrible advice, nasty comments and tried to take my week old son to her house for a sleep over. She saw my first around 10 times in his first 2 years of his life. Hasn't met my youngest (all contact was cut from her and my kids when firstborn was 2)
Haven't seen to or spoken to her for 4 years. Her fault for being an obsessive interfering bitch.

I didn't have anyone visit for 2 weeks and to be honest it was bliss!!!
Made the same rule for everyone though so no one could get shitty and they inevitably did but I didn't care- not their baby, not their decision. I'm so pleased I didn't get bullied into anything as my parents and MIL all wanted to come to the hospital during labour and it was all so stressful and it really would have made me have a meltdown if mid push MIL was popping her head round the door!!
Do what you feel most comfortable with and don't worry about anyone else. Good luck! x

I had a very traumatic birth and was very ill and on the high dep unit for 5 days. Other than my mother who only came up the hospital as there was a real chance I would die, I refused all visitors. I told my partner straight that no one was to come. My sister was slightly put out but once she realised the severity of my condition she understood.
When I got home we allowed 1 visitor a day which was mainly my partners family then I again have told him no more after 3 days. My baby is 10 days old and I have still not told my friends he is here. (He was 2 weeks early).
I don't care what anyone thinks. He is my baby, I'm knackered and i don't feel the need to parade him around. I just need this time with just us to get to grips with becoming a mum and recovering from the birth.
I wouldn't plan anything until baby is here and just tell people you will let them know when they can visit.

I would allow them to the hospital, there's a limit to the control she can try to impose there and visiting hours are limited.

My friend's mum was barred from seeing her grandchild for a fortnight and was so incredibly hurt. I'm not sure the relationship has ever properly recovered.

We told family way before I had ds that I didn't want anyone waiting at the hospital whilst I was in labour and they were to wait until we asked them to visit. I had ds at 2pm. Had a few stitches and was quite knackered tbh so after a very slow and awkward shower, get dressed and settle down a bit, my DM and Pils came at 7pm. I was still in the delivery suite then. Had a lovely midwife though who made the room look less like the murder scene it resembled hours earlier! Your baby, your decision.

Oh, and my dh was leaving the country 10 days later so I couldn't really refuse his family/close friends a visit soon after. I'd have liked a few days at home before having visitors tbh but such is life.

First time we didn't have visitors at the hospital and had the first 4 days or so at home with just us. Our families live a couple of hours away so were never going to just pop in for a quick cuddle so we waited until we were settled enough that they could have a proper visit. This time in-laws will drive over as soon as labour starts to look after DD. If I end up staying in hospital then they can come and see the baby there before they go. If I'm out quickly they'll be welcome to stay a few hours once I'm home.

Maybe you don't have to make a decision now and can see how the birth goes and how you feel. Some people find they can't wait to show the baby off.

I didn't have visitors for weeks, it was lovely to just stay in that newborn bubble. But we have no family in this country and none of our friends were desperate to see the baby immediately, so it's probably an unusual case.

I had parent, siblings and in laws to the hospital, it worked well with visiting hours.

I asked for no extended family visiting for two weeks and went to see them instead so I could control when I left. Only works if they're reasonably close though.

We wanted close family to visit but the situation was taken out of our hands as my son had to spend a few days in SCBU so only our parents could visit. My brothers and both of our grandparents weren't able to meet him until he was 5 days old. But, my ILs are great and would never overstep the mark, plus my immediate are great as well.

What did annoy the fuck out of me was a set of relatives practically harassing my mother to see me and baby. I hasn't seen them for nearly a year and barely in touch any more. When they were informed they couldn't come on the maternity ward as there were two teenagers under 16 they wanted me to go down to the main entrance just so they could give me a gift. Okay fair enough BUT I had stitches for a second degree tear, severely aneamic, trying to establish breastfeeding and had a new baby on antibiotics with an oxygen tube. The only spare 5 minutes I had, I was back on the maternity ward shovelling some food into my system, having a cup of tea, ringing my parents with an update and letting them know what clothes I needed, and having check ups/medications from the midwives. The relatives were fully aware of the situation and still pestered. I refused to see them and I've still never forgiven them

Everyone else was wonderful support and understood entirely.

I haven't seen the limiting visitors thing outside of mumsnet.

We let people come when they wanted. Our situation was a bit unusual as our baby was in nicu for 3 weeks, so visitors were limited to parents and grandparents for that period. No one else tried to visit, and they wouldn't have been able to anyway (my bestie came to see how I was doing). As soon as we were home we couldn't wait to show her off, but our friends and family were all good - not overbearing, not outstaying their welcome, et.

I knew I'd be swamped with certain family visitors who I'd hardly see again afterwards eurochick. They'd normally have no interest in me or my family but just wanted to hold a baby. I didn't mind family I liked

I didn't limit visitors with any of my babies however dp did book one set of visitors a day in, with the exception of my mum who pretty much moved in. She was great though and took care of all the other stuff so I could concentrate on the baby and would watch them if I needed to nap.
Why don't you see how you feel? I was really lucky and had straight forward births with no stitches or anything so apart from feeling tired I was pretty much back to normal very quickly.

First time around my parents sister and step mother all turned up at hospital unannounced. I'd had an emcs under GA and hadn't even changed out of blood soaked clothes I'd laboured in. it was just before visiting hrs ended and DP was about to be chucked out for night. as a result we said no visitors at hospital 2nd time around and also had a few days to ourselves before we staggered visits from other family members.

If you don't tell people until baby is born and you've had a littlr time to clean up then having people at the hospital might not be too bad. Firstly there are times where they are limited so its not down to you to chuck them out, someone else will do that. Secondly, you can say that as they've seen the baby and been to the hospital (emphasise how much of a special treatment that is) that you want a couple of days at home with no visitors to get used to being a family.

I've had this discussion a lot with DH. MiL is well meaning but gets irritating and takes things personally. Whereas I would like to hold off on visitors for a week or so, her and DM will take offence but if they've met the baby then they'll be easier to manage.

Its worth asking the hospital if they have restrictions on visitors too. My hospital will only allow baby's grandparents in for visiting. Everyone else will have to wait.

Also to add (for me personally) it was much easier cracking on with breastfeeding when I didn't have to worry about visitors. you basically have to spend the first few days with a baby stuck to your breast which some people don't find comfortable doing in front of aunts/uncles/fathers in law to begin with and is impissible to do if you have people playing pass the baby for hours on end.

Go with your instincts and whatever feels right...as the mum of a newborn you might feel very vulnerable, or ill, or you might be feeling great and keen to show your baby off to everyone.

I agree with previous posters who said that hospital visits are good as they're time limited. I gave birth at 12 noon, said no visitors for the 3-4pm slot, but my dad came 7-7.30pm, then MIL and GMIL visited 7.30pm-8pm. I was happy with that as I then didn't feel pressure for them to visit at home ASAP.

When we arrived home I was quite poorly (ended up being readmitted to hospital the next day) and MIL had brought GMIL to the house, plus my mum was there too. I found it really, really stressful with too many visitors and ended up asking MIL to take GMIL home, which I don't regret at all as she was a) unable to help as she's not well/strong enough and b) doing her usual filling every silence with pointless chitter chatter which I can usually tune out but this time it nearly sent me over the edge!!! MIL and mum were great, helped out loads with housework, food, breastfeeding support, holding DD so I could shower etc. but we tried to coordinate it so they both weren't in the house at the same time.

Once immediate family had visited I invited my friends who live close by up one afternoon, so it was an excuse for us to all see each other, plus I only had to look presentable and have the house looking presentable once rather than 5 times! It was ace and we all had some fizz and a really good chinwag. I almost forgot I was a sleep deprived new mum and felt like the 'old me', plus they all wanted to know details of the birth, my hospital stay etc, so having people all together meant I didn't have to repeat myself umpteen times.

Apologies for long post, basically, go with what feels right for YOU and don't worry about hurting people's feelings. People should respect your need for space and time to get used to being a mum, and bonding with your baby. If your MIL is possessive and controlling then STAND FIRM. Remember, you're the boss, you're the mum, you're in control. Good luck and enjoy your newborn!

It's worth discussing your thoughts on this with your other half if you have one. My Dp texted both our parents within minutes of ds being born and much to my surprise MiL and her teenage son rocked up at the delivery suite about 90 minutes after he was born. This was 10.30 on a Thursday night. I don't particularly begrudge her visit, but I didn't even have undies on and was sitting in fairly disgusting sheets and had had stitches so feeling delicate. I was surprised she showed up so soon tbh, and I wasn't even consulted on the matter.

On the post natal ward I had most of DP's family - aunts, grandchildren, brothers come to visit but no-one else in my bay had more than one or two over the space of three days. I felt a bit self conscious.

I would have preferred to have them at home when they could come whenever they wanted, rather than all pile in at 2pm. Again, no-one asked what I wanted, I was told they're coming, put your happy face on. Worth discussing your preferences, definitely.

I don't really get the visitor ban thing. I couldn't wait for my family and friends to meet my baby boy, he was (and still is!) utterly perfect so of course I wanted to show him off! We had my parents and the in laws visit the hospital for half an hour each for the night we were in and that was the whole of visiting time filled up.

The only thing I found quite helpful when friends visited was that I'd prefer it if several friends came at once rather than all at different times throughout the day as that was exhausting. I did annoy me a bit when people took me up on the offer of a cup of tea without jumping up to make it themselves tho! I had a lot of stitches!

We were in hospital three days and had both sets of parents and our siblings visit, which was nice as it provided distractions. Next time though I will limit visitors much more once we are home. I do believe that one factor in my utter failure with breastfeeding was having too many visitors in the early days. I felt self-conscious taking DS upstairs and knowing they could hear him screaming, so I think I was quicker to offer a bottle than I might have been had we been on our own.

I had family come to the hospital. It meant they were there for a limited time and then left me alone for 2 weeks whilst I settled into breastfeeding / being a mum.
It took a lot of pressure off. I was post GA lscs though and was in a state but it was worth it to get it out the way.

I had immediate family for the hospital and saved friends and extended family for home. Everyone feels differently but I just couldn't wait to show my baby off so I had people coming pretty early but my best friend had two weeks before she had visitors because she just didn't feel ready before then. You might not know until you have your lo.