Any experiences of one finding out the sex and the other not?

[mummabubs]

Hello,

I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my first child. Right from before we started TTC I'd always said I would really want to know the sex, DH had always said he'd want a surprise. Up until now I've managed to support him in us not finding out. However I have to confess that not knowing is really starting to get me down as the weeks go on. I think it's partly because my intuition from about 20 weeks has been fixedly telling me it's a girl, but then (as DH gleefully pointed out) our growth scan ratios are more indicative of a boy. He likes looking up theories and it's all part of the fun and excitement for him, whereas I've always disliked uncertainty and am therefore finding this more anxiety-provoking than fun! Over the last fortnight I really feel like I'm struggling to bond with my baby due to not knowing, even though I'm sure once they're out and with us I'll bond then it's making the last stages of pregnancy a bit stressful/sad to be honest. We're having another scan at 36 weeks and my midwife today said she felt I should use this opportunity to find out, with DH out of the room.

Therefore.... I was wondering if anyone has experience of one half finding out and the other not and what that felt like? Keen to hear both sides (from the person who found out or the person who's other half did). I've got 4 weeks to decide whether to ask but thought I'd ask for the wisdom of MN first 😊 Thanks in advance for sharing x

Yeah, My mum liked to keep it a surprise but by the 4th child my dad really wanted to know so he was told but mum wasnt. It can work, as long as you obviously don't make any hints about it. At the end of the day, if it's going to help you bond with the baby then I think it's good to find out. But I'd talk that option through with your DP and let him know you won't spoil it for him.

Thanks, I'd definitely discuss it with him first. Midwife suggested having a sneaky private scan but a) they're a lot of money and b) I'd feel awful for not telling him that I at least knew. We've been calling them "Bubbabean/they/it" the whole way through so I'm hoping I wouldn't slip up in the last 3 weeks or so! I do get what DH says about it being a surprise on the day, but to me it would still be a surprise finding out at the scan and would prevent another month of me feeling like this about it!

No experience but I feel for you! My DH wanted a surprise and I didn't but as it was our first baby I agreed not to find out. If you trust yourself not to tell him then go for it but for me it was too big a risk - I knew I would slip up! I do have a lot of faith in gut instincts though. I called my baby he the whole way through as I was so convinced on the sex and I was right! As a compromise we have found out this time round - must admit it's nice knowing and being able to think names and buy clothes!

We weren't going to find out with DS1 but in the scan the woman said "Oh yes, there we are... er... do you want to know the sex?" So we obviously knew that she had seen the sex. We had a quick chat and decided that if she knew what our baby was then we wanted to know.

Then, for DS2, we asked to be told because OH was really set on wanting a girl. DS2 wasn't a girl...! It took OH some time to come to terms with this as we aren't having any more kids, so it was the best thing for us. We actually both really love having two boys, but OH is grateful for the time he had to reconcile his feelings.

Sorry. Didn't read the title of your post properly and realise my post isn't really on topic!

If he doesn't want to know, I think you should wait for the surprise together. It will be a beautiful occasion to share with him. Finding out and hiding it doesn't sound like you are in this together. Especially if it is your first and its new to you both.
You will bond with your baby either way.
Its not going to make any difference whether you find out in 3 weeks or 8 weeks, you will find out!
Hold back, I say!
I know the wait can feel like forever, but it will be worth it.

I would try to hold out, I'm trying to and I'm only 13 weeks.
I want to find out, DP doesn't and I was so tempted in getting a private scan and finding out but then I'd feel too guilty and would probably slip up!

We didn't find out with DS1 and we did with DS2.

Definitely preferred not knowing, I had a hunch it was a boy anyway, and I'll never forget the look on DH's face as he saw the baby and said "it's a boy! We've got a son!" - Utter bliss.

Second time finding out at 22 weeks because I was convinced it was a girl and DH had had enough of me saying "what do you think of this name for a girl" so we decided to find out. From my POV, it was definitely not as lovely as finding out when they're born.

Totally accept that some people want to find out earlier to bond, I never felt I needed to.

If I was to ever have a third, I'd definitely not find out again.

I knew and didn't tell my dh I knew straight away.

Baby 3 and I wanted to know but he didn't. We had the harmony blood test and I asked them to tell me the sex when I got the results. I told him about 10 days later that I knew. He was a bit surprised but I explained why it was important to me. He still didn't want to know so we had a few months like that. At our 20 week scan I knew the sonographer had seen and she confirmed she knew at which point dh said that if we both knew, he wanted to know too. It wasn't ever an issue!

We didn't find out with our first 3 but with number 4 I had a slight preference. Obviously the most important thing was a healthy baby but I had GGB and ds1 was only 14 weeks when I found out I was pregnant with my fourth and I though it would be lovely foe him to have a brother. I didn't find out at my 20 week scan but I had a few growth scans due to dc3 being 10lb8 and dp didn't come to them so at 28 weeks I found out and didn't tell anyone I knew.
I've since come clean and dp was fine about it when I explained why.
He did get a brother and they are very close even though I call them the krays!

Thank you all for sharing, it's been helpful to read. I think a big part of it for me is that I've had my heart set on a girl first time (please don't get me wrong, healthy baby is what we're after and I'm sure I'd love a son too), but equally if we are going to have a boy I genuinely feel like I need a little bit of time to come round to the idea of not having a girl in my head! My friend who gave birth two weeks ago felt exactly the same; she accidentally found out as despite asking the private company who did her harmony test not to tell her they told her that she was having a boy in the letter. At the time she said she felt a bit sad at not having a girl and not having the surprise but equally she then felt she had lots of time to get used to the idea of welcoming a little boy into the world.

I haven't solidly made my mind up yet, DH is now saying we should just find out as my wellbeing is more important to him than the surprise (he is a fantastically supportive and caring husband), equally I know I'll feel very guilty at bringing the surprise forward just to alleviate my anxieties. Tricky decision...

You could ask the sonographer to write it down & take an envelope to put it in. That way you have the choice. My friend did this & eventually opened it when her dd was 6 months old

Don't feel bad about having a preference - a lot of people do! I had a slight preference towards a girl first time but when he was born I fell completely in love - and I'm still glad we kept it a surprise. This time round we found out and I think because of the bond with my son I imagined another wee boy and really loved the idea of brothers. I was almost a tiny bit disappointed when thy said girl but it didn't last long and now I can't wait. Boy or girl - your child will be the best thing that ever happened to you.

Oh and baby boy clothes are way more fun to shop for - there's some super cute stuff out there

I always said that when I got pregnant I would want to find out. I'm incredibly nosy and couldn't imagine going 9 months without knowing. But just before I got pregnant my friend had a baby and she didn't find out. When I asked her why, she said that it made labour a little bit easier as it is an extra bit of incentive to beep going through the pain and find out what the baby is.

This clicked with me and we didn't find out. It was true. There was a sense of excitement not just about the baby but about finally discovering what we were having. Now pregnant again and we haven't found out.

I know and my DH doesn't. He is desperate for a surprise, and I had been so ill with hyperemesis that I needed some sort of milestone to look forward to and focus on. We are only two weeks in to me finding out, but so far it's fine, I treat it as if I don't know saying, well if it's a boy we will get this or a girl this, etc, although he knows I know. I'm desperate to keep it a secret for him as I know how much he wants a surprise so I'm finding it fairly easy so far, but long way to go!

Yes. The sonographer wrote it down for us. We had agreed beforehand that I wanted to know and he didn't. I looked at the note as I wanted to know. and get ready for bubs. My husband didn't want to know and waited. It was hard not telling him, and I couldn't do it again (we agreed next time to find out together and we did). I'm pleased I did look as I really wanted to know.

I did what Annie said too and kept discussions neutral. Sometimes that was easy but sometimes difficult.

I found out from amnio, but DP didn't want to know, so I didn't tell a soul. It was a nice surprise for him, and I was able to bond a bit more with DD (having had 2 prior m/c I really struggled with this initially).

Can't you wait four weeks - it's inly four weeks! You'll bond with the baby no matter what and your husband so desperately wanted to wait. It seems a shame to have come this far and not let him have the surprise.
I've found out with one and not the other two... It's so much nicer not knowing!

I wanted to find out from day one but my OH wanted a surprise for our first baby.

I too thought I was having a girl for some reason and just kept it too the back of my mind

We didn't find out and it was the best feeling in the world finding out she was a little girl at the Birth.

It's like a extra little thing to push for ☺️

I think it is completely fine that you want to know and you ask your doctor, because in the end it is your decision, you are giving birth to the baby if you want to know then why don't you just find out it will be completely fine until unless you tell him , let it be a surprise for him and for you , you should know if you think so.!

I needed to know - we were convinced we were having a girl and whilst we had no preference either way, it took us time to adjust to the idea. We talked a lot about finding out and agreed to do it together but if you can't agree then it's what you want that counts I think - we are talking about something that's happening inside your body, after all.

Thanks everyone. It's 8 weeks left, not 4 Oly5 and given my mum went two weeks over with me and my sisters my head is telling me that's more like 10 weeks! 🙈

I had intended to ask the sonographer to write it down and put it in an envelope at the 20 week scan, which DH knew and supported but I think we were so overwhelmed to hear all was well (my 12 week scan had suggested there might be issues) that I forgot until 2 seconds after we left the room. I spoke with DH last night and he still feels we should find out for my wellbeing and I still feel my wellbeing will suffer knowing that I'm bringing that surprise forward a couple of months for him! 🙈 I've said we've got 4 weeks until my last scan so we can see how we feel closer to the time, possibly use the envelope method as that keeps it open? If not I'm wondering if us settling on a boys name would help me (we've got a girls name we both love but boys are proving more pesky and I wonder if this is also affecting my ability to picture them as a boy?) It's been really validating and reassuring to hear from people who did find out solo and managed to keep it a secret, makes me feel like I'm not the only one who's been in this position 😊 x

I'm in this situation. My DP wants a surprise and would be devastated if I ruined it for him as its his first and only baby. I already have two boys and if this isn't going to be a girl I'll be fine but want time to get my head around it. He is absolutely fine with me knowing though as long as he doesn't find out anything and I wouldn't ruin it because i switch between saying he and she all the time anyway so I'm planning on going for a gender scan on my own and in secret so the only people who will know will be me and a couple of people on my side of the family that he never sees anyway.

I understand completely @MrsPicklesonSmythe (obviously!) Hope your gender scan helps 😊 If DH was fine with just me knowing I'd definitely be going down that route but he feels we should either both know or not know, which I do understand as he wants to be with me when I find out and to share in that moment together. My new tactic is to busy myself with anything and everything so I can't think about it... might run out of "stuff" to do in 8+ weeks but I'll give it a go!