CSection + toddler + no family about: hit me with the truth!

[TheLegendOfBeans]

Evenin' all

So today we found out we will be having a CS for my baby due in 9 weeks.

I have a DD who will be 20 months at the time DC2 is born.

We don't have any family readily available nearby and no friends in a position to step in at all. We are quite new to the area.

Just to provide context: DH will get three days paternity leave only. Due to a perfect storm of circumstances there is no way this can be extended.

DD is at a childminders twice a week.

How did you manage?

Can he not take annual leave, unpaid leave or shared parental leave?
You won't be able to do much and certainly don't lift the toddler until fully healed.
There's also a chance you might still be in hospital on day 3 if your CS is late in the day (the electives get postponed for emergencies sometimes) and depending on your recovery. I was in 8 days with my first CS and 2 with my second.
I really think you'll need help sorry. Can you hire someone temporarily?

Hire a mother's help, seriously they can do the heavy lifting and play with toddler.
Legally he should get 10 days paternity leave providing he has sufficient service

My DH is absolutely gutted about the annual leave thing: to provide context we are not in the UK (but are in W Europe) so standard paternity is 3 days. Both the nature of his work and his "newness" means it's three days and that's it. Unpaid leave may be an option but it's not been really given the "thumbs up" per se.

Ive been told that I'll be in hospital for three days post section; it's not that time that's an issue, it's the remaining 5.5 weeks after I'm a bit nervous about!

So for those who've been there, what did you do and how did you get on?

Not been there myself, but following with interest as am due with second child and also away from help so have been wondering what I would do in similar circumstances!

As above, first thought would be is there any chance of your DH extending his leave? Not sure where you're living so obviously legal entitlements will vary, but most will have at least an entitlement to unpaid parental leave even if paternity leave isn't up to much.

Alternatively, would the childminder be prepared to step in at the last minute and up the number of daytime hours? Though bear in mind - do they live nearby, will you be able to get your DD to them ok? If not, do they know anyone who might be able to help at home, other childminders etc who would be prepared to live as a short term live-in nanny? In some countries I know trainee midwives sometimes offer services as a live-in support in the early weeks (sort of like a post-birth doula service), but obviously could be expensive and depends where you live.

Sorry OP - cross post!

If you're new to the area another thought would be to seek out some local mums Facebook groups which might be able to give you some local tips / nanny details etc?

I recovered well from my c section, and was fully mobile within a few days and driving within 3 weeks. But I got lulled into a false sense of security by the pain killers and started lifting my toddler much much too early (faced with a full on, lie on the floor tantrum I would think 'fuck it' and pick him up), and my back suffered for it. I wouldn't necessarily panic that you will be out of action for the full 6 weeks, but for your own safety I really would advise that you look to hire help if at all possible, and if you can't, then you really really need to try to avoid lifting your toddler. Start practising with her now- step stool to get in the bath etc etc.

I survived it 2 years ago! I'd moved house so not only no family near me but no friends either! First week I did have my dh but he was pretty useless as dd1 was so clingy to me and played up terribly.
2nd week dd started nursery and my elderly aunt came down from her seaside retirement home to help!

We managed, make sure you've prepared food that can go straight from freezer to oven, have a box of toys for dd to play with, books, play dough, colouring etc stiff that will keep her entertained for as long as possible, and use tv as extra pair of hands!
Good luck

Tuck

Yep, step stools are away to be deployed.

I also had a fab recovery first time round. I was lucky but also did what I was told to
the letter and didn't push myself at all.

It's just stupid stuff like "if I let her loose in the playground and she does her usual run in front of the swing and I have to dash to avoid her head getting knocked off her shoulders..." etc

We will look to put her to another childminder for extra time as her normal one is not available at any other time. I'm cagey about it (pfb-itis) but it is what it is. It'll just be getting DD there (20+ min walk when I'll be 15 days post surgery) that's a bit scary.

DH has said that if it all gets too much he'll terminate his contract. Problem is that'll ricochet us back to the UK and financially scalp us.

I can't wait to meet this baby, I'm so excited and buzzing as this pregnancy follows a shitty miscarriage. I just can't believe I'm so SCARED of the reality of recovery+toddler+newborn.

Argh!

If you recovered well first time and you managed to follow instructions to the letter, then my guess is you'll be fine- the odd emergency rule break this time isn't going to do too much damage. I was far too blasé, but it was more laziness, if you see what I mean. So, I could have spent 20 minutes sitting on the floor talking the tantruming toddler round, but chose the 'fuck it' route. It sounds like you might be better at following the rules than I was! :) And to be fair, it's not like I've done damage - it was just that when I came off the pain killers I realised that actually, my back was really quite sore! Good luck, I'm sure you'll do just fine.

Hi legend, get your husband to check with his company's HR. We are in Italy and my husband and I both get something called 'aspetativo' it is paid time off to care for our children if they are sick etc. I can't remember how long we get. Maybe where you are they have something similar? we have been in similar situation, fortunately no cs but no help nearby. Can you look into hiring a nanny or au pair for 2 months or so until you are feeling better. I done this with my first child and was great. She was from uk and was good company too in the weeks after birth. Good luck

For those of you who have hired help, how long was it for, how much was it (€ allowed, mustbeinsane ) and what did the help actually do?

Honestly I think you might struggle and I would do everything possible to make life easier. I hope you sail through it but you are being sensible to look into things now.

I didn't have a section but did have a baby and a toddler (bigger age gap though). Start filling your freezer (if you have one) now with meals if you can do some batch cooking. Individual portions of things you know your toddler will eat are also helpful.

I would look into the nanny / au pair / mothers' help route that you have already mentioned. You said you had no family readily available - is there anyone that could come and stay with you though? I appreciate that may well not be the case or having someone else to stay may make things much worse!

Also of course it depends where you are and what you like but what saved my sanity was toddler groups. Awkward to get there yes but once you do then you can collapse, toddler can play / run around and someone can help you with the baby. I would start looking into these now while you have some time to do them.

Could you afford a cleaner for a bit?

I was pretty okay c-section wise at three days (although I ended up on crutches for another reason). Certainly by a couple of weeks I felt back to normal but I was still cautious with lifting. You won't be able to lift the toddler into a cot or in or out the car. So we take a cot side off prior to baby being born and I found mine could scramble into his seat with a little assistance rather than me lifting.

Very doable. I did it with a 16 month old and a 4yr old. I was a single parent with no family to help. Good luck, you will be fine.

The help can look after toddler while you take care of baby, do laundry or housework, lift anything for you. Doesn't have to be full time but a few hours a day mother's help may help.

Cost will surely depend where you are as you aren't in uk

True, true 2014...

We basically live where all childcare fees are on a par with London. I didn't ever need a mother's help there so have no clue what to expect financially (and we would have to budget...hard).

We had the girl stay with us. She was great! She was a qualified childcare assistant with already cbr check etc. We paid approx 600 a month including all board and paid for days out we had together etc she also had access to our car. Suited her as she done the touristy things on her time off. She also had her own bedroom with wifi etc. She basically got up In The morning and done any washing, dishwasher cleaning and tidying. Basically freed me up to spend time with DC. She then had a few hours free and then some days helped prepare dinner. She also ran errands to supermarket and post office etc She would occupy DC if I had to go for shower etc. I would also say it was good just to have a bit of company those first few weeks. She had most weekends free when DH was free from work. i have just had our second and I so wish we had made the decision to have someone again. It's been a tough few weeks with a rather colicky baby and a house looking like a tip 🙈

What country are you in? Are you sure you've explored all the options for extra help provided by the state? In Germany you'd be entitled to a very nearly free nanny for any periods your DH is out of the house - her role would be looking after the toddler and general household stuff. It's covered by your health insurance. Have you checked if that might be available where you are?

We qualify for a bit of help; we are in the Netherlands and our insurance gives us 25 hrs of a mother's help but that will end up zapped in week 1 and 2. But there's a bit of controversy around them right now...national shortage = most are doing less and mums have to suck it up.

Mustbeinsane €600 a month is not beyond the realms of possibility per se... but is double our childminder budget. Hmmmm.

I had a c section when my eldest was 16.5 months. In the buildup we did things like working on her ability to climb up and down stairs so I didn't need to carry her and also got her to nap on the bed with us, so I didn't need to worry about putting her into/out of her cot.

I would have a changing area on every level of your house and put a cushion between you and your DD when cuddling etc - mine was a bit upset in the first few weeks and sometimes lashed out without meaning to.

If you are worried about your DD in an area with swings etc then I would completely avoid it to negate the risk and definitely try to get some extra childminding help or equivalent, even if just for a few hours each day.

Good luck.

It is doable. I had a 16 month old + newborn. Second CS was better than the first. My DH works shifts so just worked around what he did for the first couple of weeks before we got a routine. E.g. Moved bath times to when he was home to lift in/out. He cooked dinners when he was home.

I found the thought of it was much worse than actually living it!

I recovered nicely and managed fine apart from stupidly lifting the toddler into a car seat and opening up a stitch (sorted with antibiotics and no lasting problems but still could have avoided it) DONT LIFT THE TODDLER!
He climbed on the sofa to eat when oh wasn't around to lift him into the high chair. He jumped out of the cot a month before the baby so he as already in a bed - the IKEA extendable one that's super low so they can climb in and out.
Batch cook stuff.
Buy a tiny one litre kettle, boils faster and much easier to lift.
Sling might be useful when you're healed so you have two hands for toddler wrangling.
iPad or similar appeared more often than I'd like to admit but bought ten minutes to sort out a feed or go to the loo
Somewhere safe to keep the baby away from th toddler - we used the travel cot.
Take your painkillers!
And good luck.

Ask on Amsterdam Mamas FB group how others have managed and for suggestions.

Also ask at local nurseries if there are any interns who are looking for some paid work (looking after toddler for a few hours a day - at least going to park etc).

The earlier the new arrangement can be introduced to toddler the better so it's not: baby arrives, toddler supposed to leave with stranger.

And check if the paternity leave can be separated so your DH can take 1 or 2 days after the Kraamzorg nurse has finished.

I don't know whether there is a difference between a mother's help and a postnatal doula... but definitely get someone like that!