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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Husband has chronic illness and wants me to terminate

39 replies

Dollypopsicle · 09/08/2017 08:28

Hi everyone...sorry...it's a long one.

As the title suggests. I am pregnant with DC2 which was unplanned.

Husband suffers severely with Rheumatoid Arthritis. He is also older than me - 50.

Husband made it clear to me many years ago that he did not want another DC. After some time resenting him I finally (within the last year or two) accepted this and was happy with our family of 3 plus 2 step DC who are older - in their 20's.

Anyway. I have accidentally fallen pregnant. I accept I was reckless, I had told DH I was not on contraception but he says I didn't. He feels I have done this on purpose. I assure you I haven't. With the pain he suffers, and our lives moving on as DD1 gets older, this is quite possibly the worst timing ever. If I'd planned to do it, I would have years ago when our lives were different and I was in the moment of actually wanting a baby.

Now I am faced with the decision of whether to keep or terminate. DH insists on termination. I have told him I'm not sure I can go through with one. He became very nasty at this. He called me a selfish (vile word), said that if I have 'it' he would want a DNA test (wtf?!), that he would not love 'it', it would destroy his life or what little he has left of it and it was all my fault. He even threatened that should I go through with the pregnancy he would end his life. He would not even touch me at one point. All of this is amongst other stuff he said.

After 30 minutes of showing to complete hate towards me and the pregnancy, he did calm down and said whatever I decide he'll support me.

Amongst his feelings of not wanting the baby is the risk of birth defects to the baby due to medication he takes for his illness. Along with my gp I have looked into this. The risk is a combination of low and unknown. My gp says depending on my decision - to continue or not - he would send me for early scans and effectively treat the pregnancy as high risk.

I am incredibly torn. I feel like I will be choosing between my husband and my baby. To put my husband through another baby with how he suffers does feel cruel and selfish. But on the other hand, I don't know how I will cope if I go through a termination.

Husbands RA is not under control as yet. By nature he is very negative and genuinely believes the pain he is in now will not improve and within 10 years he'll either die or be wheelchair bound. It really is an awful situation and one that I'm struggling to find resolve.

OP posts:

Bobbiepin · 09/08/2017 08:34

I'm sorry I have no advice to give but didn't want to read and run

Would another conversation when he's calm on a low pain day be an idea?

Loopytiles · 09/08/2017 08:37

It's not his decision, it's solely your choice. His choice is whether or not to remain in a relationship.

DID you tell him you were not using contraception? If not that was very wrong. That said, if having sex there is always a possibility of pregnancy unless one partner is sterilised.

Can you forgive his vile words?

GummyGoddess · 09/08/2017 08:41

I don't think that I would forgive my dh if he came out with that, even if I did want to terminate so the marriage would be unlikely to survive anyway if I knew he was capable of such nastiness.

Do you want to have this baby? How far along are you?

Kittysparks1 · 09/08/2017 08:42

OP, I do not have any advice to give I'm afraid, again I didn't want to read and run. Just wanted you to know I feel for you, this must be a very difficult situation, I cannot even begin to imagine.

Make sure you have a good support network around you whatever you decide to do.

I would probably give it a few days for your husband to digest and process this information and then rediscuss. People say things sometimes out of fear/panic.

PurpleDaisies · 09/08/2017 08:43

It's your decision entirely about what to do with the pregnancy. It's obvious you don't want a termination so the best thing to do is to work out if you can manage as a single mum.

Is it methotrexate he is taking? If so, the risk is theoretical rather than proven so the risk of birth defects is no higher than normal.

NameChange30 · 09/08/2017 08:43

I'm not sure I could forgive those disgusting things he said.

To put it bluntly, with his health condition you are likely to need to become his carer at some point, and there's no way I'd wipe the arse of someone who ever thought it was ok to talk to me like that.

I can't comment on whether you should continue the pregnancy, that's your decision, but I think you consider ending the relationship.

If you don't want to end it perhaps couple's counselling would be helpful.

diodati · 09/08/2017 08:49

Keep the baby, dump the husband.

Pippin8 · 09/08/2017 08:51

Is he on methotrexate? If so, I was told the risk of miscarriage & birth defects is high. My DH had RA, it's dormant now thankfully. However, he was miserable all of the time. So much so that I would not continue with a pregnancy due to how unwell he was & how I know I'd have to do literally everything. Our marriage would not have survived.

However, I'm not saying this is right for you. But it does seem as though you may have to make a choice.

RatsInTheWalls · 09/08/2017 08:52

diodati read my mind

HerOtherHalf · 09/08/2017 08:54

I feel like I will be choosing between my husband and my baby.

There are two decisions facing you, aren't there? First, do you have this baby. Second, do you want to remain in a relationship with your husband.

The first decision must be yours and yours alone. It should also not be influenced by threats of your husband leaving you if you keep it. You could terminate to please him and then find he leaves you or is hit by a bus in 2 years time.

As to the second decision, a loving man would never ask their partner to choose between them and keeping a baby. His initial response was vile but he did then go on to say he would support you in whatever decision you made. I think you have to have some long chats together and determine which response is the real him and then make your decision as to whether you want to continue with him as your partner.

IrritatedUser1960 · 09/08/2017 08:56

Nobody has the right to demand you terminate OP, he should have taken care of contraception if he didn't want this to happen.
Also you have to remember when he is gone it will just be you and your children.
You might always regret that one.

OutnumberedbyFurchesters · 09/08/2017 09:01

I agree with diodati and rats dump him, keep the baby.

If DH ever spoke to me like that, about a baby I was carrying and me. My decision would be the same, yes he may be in pain and scared, but it's no excuse to be vile and purposefully hurtful and manipulative.

Original poster

Dollypopsicle · 09/08/2017 09:02

This will sound pathetic but I'm used to the way he speaks. He always gets like this in tense situations. I'm incredibly thick skinned and I know he doesn't actually mean it. I'm more bothered about our daughter hearing him talk to me like this and thinking it's acceptable for partners to talk to you this way. It's not very often that conversations become this way between us. Very rarely do we argue.

as for being a single parent, I do have an amazing support network around me and financially I could make ends meet, somehow! If he were to leave, we wouldn't be fine.

It really is a mess though.

And Loopytiles - I DID tell him I was no longer on contraception. But it's easier for HIM to claim he didn't know. Would've taken bets on that being his response. My conscience is completely clear on that one.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 09/08/2017 09:06

"This will sound pathetic but I'm used to the way he speaks. He always gets like this in tense situations. I'm incredibly thick skinned and I know he doesn't actually mean it."

Still not ok. He talks to you like that because you allow him to.

RatsInTheWalls · 09/08/2017 09:08

But even if you are thick skinned and that's the way he talks when tense, the issue remains that he's calling you a liar. I couldn't live like that personally

Original poster

Dollypopsicle · 09/08/2017 09:08

There is no clinical evidence to say that it would lead to birth defects.

Not sure if this link will work - www.medicinesinpregnancy.org/Medicine--pregnancy/Methotrexate-paternal/

The risk is no greater than the usual background risk every woman has.

My issue is how unwell the RA makes and like you say how I would cope doing it all on my own effectively, plus dealing with his suffering. But I also have to weigh up going through a termination.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dollypopsicle · 09/08/2017 09:10

Pippin8 the last reply from me contains a link which my gp told me to refer to

OP posts:

Mrscropley · 09/08/2017 09:14

Another vote for keep the baby and ltb. . .

TestTubeTeen · 09/08/2017 09:16

It sounds as if he was utterly panicked, and tbh, in his circumstances, I can see why.

I can also understand why you would feel unable to terminate. Are your feelings around this more about wanting another baby, or an in principle aversion to termination?

DO you actually want another baby now? If you had a miscarriage tomorrow, would you feel bereft, or relieved, or both?

Am I right in thinking that you have 3 kids and this would be his sixth?

blueskyinmarch · 09/08/2017 09:21

Testtube I think the 'family of three' refers to OP, her DH and their child. There are two further DSC who are adults. This would be her DH's 4th child.

FlaviaAlbia · 09/08/2017 09:22

My DGM had rheumatoid arthritis and manged her personal care herself though her skin was very fragile and she had a lot of day to day of pain until she passed away in her 90's.

Despite that pain she was a lovely woman so I think you can't use his medical condition to justify his behaviour OP. He is not a kind man, the illness won't have changed his nature.

Aside for the arrogance of 'insisting' on a termination, he's actually said out loud that he thinks you've cheated on him. Either he believes it, in which case I'd be out of there, or he's said it to hurt you, in which case I'd also be out of there.

Icantstopeatinglol · 09/08/2017 09:23

Dolly has your DH been on methotrexate a long time? What's the plans for trying other medications? I've got psoriatic arthritis which is pretty much the same and was on methotrexate a few years before I said no more. It made me ill and made not much difference to my health. They tried another dmard (type of drug) before putting me on biological drugs. I'm now totally 'normal'! I even weight train and exercise 3-4 times a week and love it. If the drugs aren't helping go back and don't just put up with it. I had to change consultants as mine was so stuck in his ways and dismissive.
If your dh feels better he will think more clearly. Not that it excuses how he's spoken to you. It's not your fault he's in pain and you shouldn't be used as a punch bag.
Do what you need to do x

Sistersofmercy101 · 09/08/2017 09:24

For what it's worth, I think most troubling is not his thoughts / fears that a pregnancy is incompatible with his illness - it's the way in which he's chosen to rant, rave, demand, insult and bully you - his other half, at a very vulnerable time regarding a very sensitive issue. As if a termination is simple - he doesn't appear to have given any consideration to how a termination would affect you - just how a child would affect him?

Original poster

Dollypopsicle · 09/08/2017 09:28

TestTubeTeen - We have one together and has two from previous. So this would be his 4th.

If I were to miscarry I would be both I think.

3 years ago I would have confidently said I would without a doubt wanted this baby but given the circumstances of his health it's a totally different situation.

He was totally panicked and in immense pain at the time. He doesn't talk to me that way on a daily or even monthly basis. Yes it was unacceptable what he said but it doesn't change the situation I face.

OP posts:

Littleraincloud · 09/08/2017 09:28

I wouldn't want to stay with him on the basis of his attitude towards you. I feel he's trying to wear you down in preparation for needing you as a carer- so that you'll do everything and not have the confidence to leave. I'd leave him and then make my own mind up regarding the baby

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