Husband has chronic illness and wants me to terminate

[Dollypopsicle]

Hi everyone...sorry...it's a long one.

As the title suggests. I am pregnant with DC2 which was unplanned.

Husband suffers severely with Rheumatoid Arthritis. He is also older than me - 50.

Husband made it clear to me many years ago that he did not want another DC. After some time resenting him I finally (within the last year or two) accepted this and was happy with our family of 3 plus 2 step DC who are older - in their 20's.

Anyway. I have accidentally fallen pregnant. I accept I was reckless, I had told DH I was not on contraception but he says I didn't. He feels I have done this on purpose. I assure you I haven't. With the pain he suffers, and our lives moving on as DD1 gets older, this is quite possibly the worst timing ever. If I'd planned to do it, I would have years ago when our lives were different and I was in the moment of actually wanting a baby.

Now I am faced with the decision of whether to keep or terminate. DH insists on termination. I have told him I'm not sure I can go through with one. He became very nasty at this. He called me a selfish (vile word), said that if I have 'it' he would want a DNA test (wtf?!), that he would not love 'it', it would destroy his life or what little he has left of it and it was all my fault. He even threatened that should I go through with the pregnancy he would end his life. He would not even touch me at one point. All of this is amongst other stuff he said.

After 30 minutes of showing to complete hate towards me and the pregnancy, he did calm down and said whatever I decide he'll support me.

Amongst his feelings of not wanting the baby is the risk of birth defects to the baby due to medication he takes for his illness. Along with my gp I have looked into this. The risk is a combination of low and unknown. My gp says depending on my decision - to continue or not - he would send me for early scans and effectively treat the pregnancy as high risk.

I am incredibly torn. I feel like I will be choosing between my husband and my baby. To put my husband through another baby with how he suffers does feel cruel and selfish. But on the other hand, I don't know how I will cope if I go through a termination.

Husbands RA is not under control as yet. By nature he is very negative and genuinely believes the pain he is in now will not improve and within 10 years he'll either die or be wheelchair bound. It really is an awful situation and one that I'm struggling to find resolve.

Pregnant or not, your husband is supposed to love you. Not accuse and humiliate you. Especially in front of your child. That is completely unacceptable. You deserve better than that and you already know this. My ex spoke to me like that when our daughter was only a few months old and I knew then it was the end. Still took me until she was 3 to gather the courage to go it alone. He doesn't respect you. Your pregnancy decision is yours and yours alone. Do not be swayed by a man who discounts your feelings. Personally, I would have the baby and leave the husband. Leave his negativity behind. Your on the brink of giving him a lifetime of support. He won't give you a day of support. Think about it.

I don't think he has reacted well but you do have to understand that he is in chronic pain. The things chronic pain and illness can do to a persons personality are truly awful. Medicine doesn't miraculously make it better. Maybe he is insecure because of it, hence randomly accusing you of cheating.

Would you want to have the baby as a single mother? Ultimately you will need to make that decision.

Sorry for what you are going through, it's absolutely shit.

"He was totally panicked and in immense pain at the time."

Still not an excuse.

I think you need to make your decision about the pregnancy on the basis that you will be doing most if not all of the parenting alone - whether still in a relationship with him or not (because even if you are still together he is unlikely to be able or willing to do it). And this might sound harsh but in many ways it would be easier as a single parent because you wouldn't have him to look after as well.

You could contact BPAS or Marie Stopes to ask about counselling to help you make the decision. I'm sure it would help to talk to someone professional and impartial.

Keep the baby if you want the baby.

Terminations are actually not nearly as emotional in the aftermath as people want you to think they are.

All this is unrelated to your shitty abusive husband the way you accept his behaviour and the what your current child will be picking up from your relationship.

I think if someone called me a 'selfish cunt', and I'm assuming that's what he did call you, I would probably leave! But aside from that, it's not his choice, it's yours. And he can blame you as much as he likes for tricking him into this, but it takes two to make a baby and if he didn't want a second, knowing that you do, he shouldn't have been so cavalier as to have unprotected sex with you.

As you want this baby, don't wish to terminate, and know you can provide for it and your other DC even if your marriage does break down then I think, in that position, I would find it impossible to terminate. However, you'll be treated as high risk and problems may be detected and those may lead you to a termination outcome. I think I'd continue for now and see how things go.

As for his RA I have an aunt who has lived with RA for a couple of decades. She is disabled, uses a wheelchair, takes huge amounts of drugs to control it and is, at times, crippled with pain. However, she lives as full a life as she can, has a loving DH, two DC and two GC. She lives somewhere quite cold, but she and my uncle go to a warm place where they have a flat for three months every winter, which makes her condition much more bearable. There IS life with RA, albeit not the one sufferers were hoping for. Life is what you make it.

Icantstopeatinglol - we've had a nightmare with his treatment. He's been on MTX for 1.5 years. Changed consultant and now awaits referral to UCLH. Appointment there is in a week or so.
He's just been put on sulfasalazine as well as the MTX. I truly believe they haven't got his meds right. How often do you have the biologics? That will poss be the next step.

To all the other posters. I thank you all for your responses and words of advice and support. Yes he can be an arse with his words and appear as a nasty bully. I hear myself repeating what he says and my advice to myself would be to get the hell out but it's not that simple. I'm incredibly emotional right now, confused, scared and feel very nauseous to top it off!!!

Can't remember who asked but I'm almost 7 weeks.

I think you may end up resenting your dh if you decided to terminate. Im with diodati on this.

It sounds like you want to keep your baby. If you terminate in his say so and later regret it then your marriage likely won't survive anyway as you'll resent him for it.

He's vile to you. Saying you can take it doesn't change the fact he thinks it's acceptable to speak like that and if your daughter hears it she won't forget it. You don't forget a parent speaking to the other with such venom, and it's damaging beyond belief. Honestly I'd echo the posters above and say leave but I know it's never that easy.

This is a massive decision, but you need to do what is right for you and your DC. You wouldn't be 'putting your husband through another baby' no matter what he says, you would be giving birth to and raising your child, and your DDs sibling.

If he'd spoken civilly and calmly I'd have thought he was just scared of how much of an impact it would have on you as a family, but the way he has kicked off just shows he's thinking of himself entirely, but iIt isn't about him and he can't force you to do anything you aren't 100% sure about. It's your body and your decision.

Good luck

A termination should only take place if YOU want it. Women do suffer prolonged psychological adverse effects from terminations, especially if they feel they were pushed into it.

He is in pain and this influences his thinking - hopefully in time this will be brought under control., but he is not in a position to think rationally while he is under duress with his illness.

Do not let yourself be forced into anything - it will destroy your relationship.

I have been in chronic pain for several years of my life. At one point I got pregnant when I was not only in constant pain so bad it kept me up all night but I was walking with a zimmerframe. At no point have I ever called anyone a cunt or made everything about me.

Agree dump and run. You will be surprised how your life will be so much better without the negativity.

The fact you have got used to being spoken to like that is really sad

Take some time to think about what you want to do.

The key thing here is time. If you decide you want the baby, very, very simply...

don't book an appointment to talk to your GP about an abortion.
don't contact any clinic about it either.

Doing nothing and procrastinating is the easiest thing in the world and do it for long enough and a baby will be the result (obviously you have to go to the keeping-yourself-well appointments).

So take your time, to decide

Thing is, I'm not convinced your relationship would survive a termination either. It sounds like you'd resent him for pressuring you.

So make your decision based on your feelings for having the baby, how you'd cope with a baby alone, not on what would be best for your relationship.

"He appears like a bully" around every 6 weeks to every couple of months? and "always" behaves like this in "tense situations".

Not OK!

If and when his health worsens his temper might too.

Dolly I think give the sulfasalazine a go but don't just put up with that either if it doesn't work. It didn't for me but for some it does so give it a go. I went onto Humira 4 years ago and haven't looked back. I do an injection once a fortnight and that's it. Takes a few seconds, doesn't hurt at all and no side effects. I hope they get his medications sorted asap as it will make a world of difference.
Look after yourself though, you're going through a tough time too. I appreciate it's been hard on my dh when I've been poorly and he's had to pick up the slack. Your dh needs to understand how much you've done for him too.