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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

about to jumpout of window

37 replies

whatthefkhaveidone · 28/03/2007 10:40

I'm 19 weeks pg and just found out via good friend that dp has been shagging a girl while i was away visitng family 3 weeks ago.
He denies it 100% but the facts seem indisputable. The friend was with the girl and her friends who were teasing her for her 2 day fling with my dp. Noone there was aware that dp has a pg partner or that my friend had any interest in the conversation it just occurred by chance. The friend is mortified to give this news but we've known each other years and could never keep quiet on something serious such as this.
I'm just destroyed, shocked, we've been together 2 years and have just told family and friends about pg. I now feel totally trapped and cheated, I don't want to have a baby with a cheating liar I cannot forgive ever we've always agreed we could never forgive it if either of us strayed.
I'm scared but am ready to call marie stopes before it's too late, which it already is but what on earth can I do?

OP posts:

cazzybabs · 28/03/2007 10:41

Have you asked him? Find out if it true before you doing anything drastic.

marieg76 · 28/03/2007 10:42

Oh you poor thing. Are the facts really indisputable? Some people do tell fibs to get attention from their friends you know. Whatever you decide to you regarding your partner, you should think about whether YOU want the baby and how you would cope with the baby alone if that is going to be the case.

Lots of luck with it all

fireflyfairy2 · 28/03/2007 10:43

Oh dear, Im sorry.

Have you had a chat about this with your dp?

And you take your friends word over your dp?

Any chance of going & talking to the girl & finding out what really happened?

I'd want to know everything before I decided anything.

It's not the baby's fault, but I understand you just want to do what you thinks best.

Holly29 · 28/03/2007 10:58

Please don't make any rash decisions before getting to the bottom of the facts. Be absolutely sure of what has been said...
Think if it were me, I'd talk to him, tell him that you just need to know the truth, because at the moment, if he continues to deny it, you are going to believe the worst anyway.
I'm SO sorry. Being pg is bad enough without this sort of trauma in your life.

Original poster

whatthefkhaveidone · 28/03/2007 11:06

Apparently the girl was out with her friends on a Friday night, met my dp in a bar, probably had no idea he had pg partner. My friend was with other friends in a bar a recently met this girl for first time with her mutual friends and during course of evening they teased this girl about her 2 day fling with the the guy she met in the bar, ie that she must have been having fantastic sex to disappear 2 days with him. The girl laughed and looked embarrassed but didn?t deny it. They talked about my dp by name and he admits he was there on the night in question but claims it's ridiculous mistake That he never spoke to any girl and has no interest, etc But what else can any man say when he's accused other than deny and try to convince me it's a wrong y friend is very surprised too but it seems indisputable I don't want to believe it but a strong voice is telling me I'd be stupid to ignore this We were overjoyed by this pregnancy, I'm booked at the bloody Portland for birth! But there's no way I want to be alone with a child no way.

OP posts:

conkertree · 28/03/2007 11:22

really sorry this has happened, but i do think you need to find out more first, and also its all so fresh, you need to give it some time to sink in before making any decisions. things always seem different a few days after you hear news, however bad it is.

if the girl didnt agree it had happened, but just didnt deny it, maybe she was showing off to her friends.

my advice would be to sit down for as calm as talk as you can have with your dp - i dont know how easy that will be, but for your sake you need to try and get the info out of him (and if he wont say anyhting - maybe you will have to speak to the girl and explain why you need to know). the calmer you can be (i know its easier said than done) the more likely it is that you will get to the bottom of it.

and then you need to give yourself as much time as possible to think of all the options. i know i've said in the past that i would never forgive my dh if he had an affair, but (and i;m only saying this cause he wont read it) if he really did have a one night stand, i might eventually forgive him cause my life would be so much worse without it (obviously it would totally depend on the circumstances). and again i dont condone his behaviour at all if he's done it, but i would find it slighlty easier to forgive a one night (or two night) stand than a long term affair with lots of lying and deceit over a long time. but only you know what you can live with, and what you just wouldnt be able to forget.

sorry if this post has gone on a bit.

honeyapple · 28/03/2007 11:23

Being alone with a child is not that terrible. I was a singel mum for 3 yrs until I met DP. We now have a DD and one on the way. I know you must feel awful, but it really isnt your babies fault. I think a termination at 19 wks would be pretty difficult to get now anyway- and TBH it would NOT be nice.
I don't think all men would deny an affair. Would you rather he told the truth? Is his lying making it worse? If so, have you explained this to him. Maybe it is all rubbish- the women did not say it was true. Not denying something does not make it true.
Infact, I reckon if she vehemently denied it- it is more likely to have happened. Perhaps she was embarressed cos your DP turned her down?

Good luck.

conkertree · 28/03/2007 11:25

meant without him, not without it

MrsMcEasterBunny · 28/03/2007 11:43

Oh, how awful, I really feel for you. My gut reaction is that you need to have it out with him and her and really get to the bottom of what happened if the truth is the most important thing to you and then consider what you want in terms of your relationship with him. With regard to the baby, that?s another decision for you but it is separate. It must be so hard and you must be in a horrible place right now

Mumpbump · 28/03/2007 11:52

Firstly, there are options other than termination. Secondly, I agree you need to get to the bottom of the facts. I would get your friend to tell the other friends/other girl that she knows your dp, that he has a partner and were they being serious when they said that he had been with the other girl. I wouldn't get her to mention the pg at this stage. Hard thing for your friend to do, but she seems to me to be the only point of contact with this other group of friends...

Original poster

whatthefkhaveidone · 28/03/2007 12:04

I've talked to dp but he only denies and said we should try to contact this girl and her friends . He says he remembers the group on that night but that he didn't even speak to any girls . It just all see ms totally fishy . He knows I'm too proud and private to run around confronting people . And what on earth could a young girl say confronted by a pg other woman in this situation. I think if it were me I wouldn?t admit any part. It sounds like he's had a 1 or 2 night stand, opportunism? I don't know what but I can't accept it. It's destroyed everything and I won't stay with him. I'll never love, trust or respect him again.
He's gorgeous and he knows it, he had a real womaniser past before me and I've trusted him totally since we met. Women do literally throw themselves at him sometimes. Women have flirted openly with him in front of me and we've laughed about it! I thought we were rock solid We planned this pregnancy and now it sees like he's fucked it all up for a weekend of sex with some girl he doesn't even know and thought would never see again. Unfortunately he's been caught out an I can?t wait until he?s ready to tell truth I can?t have a baby in this situation. I?m crying so hard I can?t breath my heart?s broken.

OP posts:

Jennylee · 28/03/2007 12:04

you are vey angry just now and you should be angry, but should you make a lif changing decision like this when you are angry? you should wait a little longer untill you are over the intial rage and hurt to make the decision

scorpio1 · 28/03/2007 12:08

please dont ring them when you are angry.just take a day or two to work things out,talk,figure something out?

Mumpbump · 28/03/2007 12:11

Seriously, let your friend do it for you. I would do this for a friend of mine, particularly where an unborn child was involved. You are taking the word of strangers over the word of your dp and father to your child, at the moment. You need to find out what has happened.

MrsMcEasterBunny · 28/03/2007 12:14

I'm with Mumpbump - your friend is already involved and will want to help you, I'm sure.

Original poster

whatthefkhaveidone · 28/03/2007 12:14

I have calmed down some, at first I wanted to kill him but now I?m just devastated that it?s all been thrown away. But single parenthood or adoption etc are not options at all for me. We?ve planned this pregnancy together I got pg first month of trying and we were ecstatic. Our friends and family are happy for us too. But I won?t bring a baby into the world with a cheating partner.

OP posts:

MrsMcEasterBunny · 28/03/2007 12:15

I'm with Mumpbump - your friend is already involved and will want to help you, I'm sure.

Original poster

whatthefkhaveidone · 28/03/2007 12:20

It seems so degrading to chase people for information. Her friends are unlikely to want to get involved in this. I feel like I've heard enough and he should do the decent thing and tell the truth.

OP posts:

mumto3girls · 28/03/2007 12:24

Have you told your DP what you are planning? If anything it may prompt him to tell the truth.

I'm not judging you but please don't make any decisions about this baby's life based upon your present hatred of your DP...

mumto3girls · 28/03/2007 12:25

Is he reacting as if this isn't serious or is he sacred stiff and wanting desperately to prove his innocence?

Is there any way at all your friend could be mistaken?

honeyapple · 28/03/2007 12:26

Hi again. Yes, he should do the honest thing and tell the truth, but IMO the truth may not be what you think it is. Just because he has a history of this behaviour... doesnt mean he has done it this time. Being PG definitely makes you more emotional- which is totally understandable. I really don't understand why you cannot even think about having this child. Babies are born into far worse situations. I am not anti-termination, many on MN know that I had one myself. But at 19 wks PG this is going to be very traumatic.

Is there somewhere you can go for a few days? Stay with a friend or family member until things cool down.

Mumpbump · 28/03/2007 12:27

But what if he is telling the truth and it's just that you don't believe him? Being pg can make you feel less secure than usual as your body changes, particularly if it's had an adverse effect on your sex life. Maybe he did it, maybe he didn't, but you are only going to satisfy yourself one way or the other by asking the third parties who seem to be in the know.

What's the worst that could happen? They stick to their story, your worst suspicions are confirmed and you're no worse off than you are now. On the other hand, they might say that they didn't actually see anything and were winding their friend up in which case you might decide that you believe your dp after all.

scorpio1 · 28/03/2007 12:28

single parenthood is not the worst thing that could happen.

would a proper sit down chat help you both?he may tell the truth if he realises what he is doing to you,and what you are considering about your baby.

Mumpbump · 28/03/2007 12:31

Or on the other hand, if he didn't do anything, he may feel very let down that you clearly don't trust him.

I finished with a long-term boyfriend when it became apparent that he thought I was going to sleep with someone else when I went away for a 5 week holiday in Greece. I would never have done so as I am completely monogamous when in a relationship, but the fact that he clearly didn't trust me to that extent completely undermined our relationship to my mind.

As you are pg, I really think you owe it to the child you are carrying to investigate this rather than just writing off your relationship and (possibly) your child on the basis of what is essentially a rumour...

FioFio · 28/03/2007 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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