about to jumpout of window

[whatthefkhaveidone]

I'm 19 weeks pg and just found out via good friend that dp has been shagging a girl while i was away visitng family 3 weeks ago.
He denies it 100% but the facts seem indisputable. The friend was with the girl and her friends who were teasing her for her 2 day fling with my dp. Noone there was aware that dp has a pg partner or that my friend had any interest in the conversation it just occurred by chance. The friend is mortified to give this news but we've known each other years and could never keep quiet on something serious such as this.
I'm just destroyed, shocked, we've been together 2 years and have just told family and friends about pg. I now feel totally trapped and cheated, I don't want to have a baby with a cheating liar I cannot forgive ever we've always agreed we could never forgive it if either of us strayed.
I'm scared but am ready to call marie stopes before it's too late, which it already is but what on earth can I do?

For the first time we had hardly any sex in the first trimester weeks 10 ? 17, I had terrible tiredness and nausea but it was no big deal to us. He?s very caring and knew I was feeling rotten. I?ve gained 10 kilos in 2 months have acne and horrible hair and back ache but I feel fine and healthy and dp is very sweet and sensitive. We?ve enjoyed resuming our sex life and laughed so much at new technical difficulties. We?re a little bit stressed about practical things like work, house and finances but we?ve never been happier together I thought. This is something we?ve talked about for a year. Trust has never been an issue between us.
He?s straight out denying this 100%.
But there?s no way I?ll be a single parent, not to offend anyone but no way. I can hardly contemplate abortion I want this baby so much but if dp is a cheat I won?t stay with him and I can?t see how he can be the one telling the truth and the others lying in this situation.

You don't know the truth yet, you may never get to the truth. So, think how you'll feel in each situation.
If you decide he did do it - how would you feel having the baby with him (trust issues etc), -having the baby without him, -ending the pregnancy and staying with him (would that be possible?), -ending the pg and splitting up.
If you think he didn't do it then do you stay with him and have the baby? How will you cope with niggling doubts about it in future? How would you feel if you end the pregnancy and had niggling doubts that he didn't do it?
Only you know how each of these scenarios make you feel - think them through so that whatever you decide you know you've made the right decision for you. Infidelity is apparentely pretty common. If it was me I'd explain to him that trust is the issue and if he tells you the truth you could probably get past the issue of the infidelity, but not lack of trust. I don't know about dates, but a termination may not even be a possibility at your stage - if it's not a possibility then you need to adjust your thinking to the reality of a baby. Your situation is probably not helped by other people being involved (eg your friend), so try not to let other people's opinions (even mine) cloud your judgement - it's your life!

I'm really sorry you're in this awful situation. You sound very distraught and hurt, understandably. Having read through this thread I am sure you can see a common theme, one which I totally agree with. This 'event' is based on hearsay. There could be a number of explanations. I know you are very angry at the moment, like others have said, anger can make your thought processes clouded and irrational- seriously, anger alters the way your brain works, the point I'm making is that you really shouldn't make any irriversible decisions at the moment, give yourself a bit of time and try and work out altimately what you would achieve by throwing the towel in without getting the absolute facts first. Women in a bar, a lot of it is banter, that could be all it was. Maybe you could get in touch with a Relate counsillor, they may be able to help and advise you, I'm sure they would.

Can I just say that I have a very colourful past and dh knows that I was very promiscuous before I met him. But I have never, ever cheated on him. When we were going through a bad patch, I visited my sister in France by myself, met an EXTREMELY sexy man who I would have loved to jump, said sexy man was hounding me to shag him and I could so easily have got away with it and dh would never have found out, but I didn't do anything.

You should not condemn him on the basis of his past. Sometimes, you just need to meet the right person to discover the benefits of being in a committed relationship.

Just thought I probably made myself sound like a complete slapper... I mean very promiscuous by dh's standards, but I think he is unusually un-promiscuous for a man!

So sorry that you're going through this. It's an awful thing to deal with but I agree with previous posts, don't do anything rash until you've had a chance to calm down and think through the situation. I know I'd be suspicious if I heard a similiar rumour about my DP, but I'd also be wary of not believing him if all you have to go on is hearsay.

My partner and I both have colourful pasts (nice phrase Mumpbump!) and it took me months to come to terms with his friendship with his (to my mind psychotic) ex, but at a certain point you just have to trust your partner. Just imagine how awful you'd feel if you had a termination this week and found out next week that it wasn't true.

What an awful situation for you. I've not much to add that hasn't been said, I just wanted to add another - wait a few days till you've calmed down, talked it through a thousand times and got a more rational head on.

If it is true, then a termination is just going to mess you up much more than you are already

If it isn't true then a termination will be the biggest mistake you've ever made.

I think you have to speak further to your friend and I think it would be worthwhile for her to talk a bit more to these other friends. I think its a bit fishy that she didn't think she should ask more questions at the time, I know if I had been in the same situation when girls were talking about one girl shagging my best mate's dp then I would be making sure I got the story right before confronting them. And I certainly would not be coming to you before having this straight, especially not when your flamin pregnant.

How good is this friend and can you really trust her?

If it were me, I'd start digging, perhaps not confronting but certainly speaking to them to try and get to the truth - again highly questionable that the "friend" hasn't offered to do this on your behalf - where is she now anyway?

Hi,
just wnated to say that I hope that you don't make any swift decissions that you might later regret.

My aunty went through exactly the same thing when she found out that her then husband had an affair when she was pregnant. She had a late abortion at 18 weeks and has regretted it ever since. She was so angry at the time that she got rid of the baby and thought nothing more of it.

That was until she got pregnant to her new husband and saw how developed their baby was on the 20 week scan (just 2 weeks later on than the baby she had aborted). I am all for womens choice (I've even had an early termination myself) but I wouldn't wish the guilt that my aunty has gone through on anyone.

Just a thought, but did the girl refer to you DP's first AND surname? If not how common is his name?

Hope you make the right decission

x

it may be , if it is true, 'a one off mistake that meant nothing' he may not be a serial cheater, so would it be a good idea to leave your relationship over one mistake that might never even have happened?
you have my sympathy though

it doesnt sound like a definite answer 'not denying' it? this girl might be up to something... just like others said here, you must find out what really happened, so you can put your mind at peace. wouldnt you be sorry to wrongly accuse your partner? and the fact that you are pregnant doesnt really help either with all the hormones going through you... i get soooooooo jealous over nothing really now that im pregnant.

i hope things work out for you and your partner, and hopefully this is just a case of misunderstanding.

You poor thing, you must be feeling so hurt and angry. I support the others in saying that you should definitely not have a termination while you are understandibly so devastated, before you do please seriously consider counsellling Relate is a really good place to start.
I'm definitely Pro-choice, but I also know the complete emotional devastation that cheating causes, and can say through experience that it can cause you to act in ways that you later regret.
Please take another day or two, and talk to a profesional before you make your decision.