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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Reason for having a baby not good enough

27 replies

SomehowSomewhere1 · 02/08/2017 14:48

I'm 40, during my teens I volunteered in schools and groups with children from birth to 16yrs. But since about 25yrs I haven't had much contact with children or babies - just because of work, older friends, and different volunteering. My maternal instinct is strong, I feel in a good place to have a baby. But OH is now panicking that maternal instincts are not enough. That I have not researched into having a baby, have no idea what it involves, and hadn't thought it through. I'm 10 wks pregnant with my first. He has two grown up children and grandchildren. My thought was that you can never know what it will be like, every child and parent is different. I envisage it will be the hardest thing I have ever done but also the most rewarding. True, I know little about babies but my midwife said she'll point me in the direction of classes so I'm up to speed, and I've very much said yes. Under it I feel he's panicking, for me we were having a baby together, he now seems to think I will continue to bring in a good salary and be full time mum to the baby. We're both self employed. The original plan was that we'd manage child care between us, seems now he wants his cake and to eat it. Plus he wants me to be up to speed as him, despite saying he was just like me with his first.
Just to add maternity leave for self employed only occurs if you work less than 10 days during that time - which won't work as I need to keep things ticking over to have a business to return to, we knew that before.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

arbrighton · 02/08/2017 15:08

who does really know about babies before their first??

FacelikeaBagofHammers · 02/08/2017 15:19

I don't know how you can possibly be 'up to speed' re raising kids You'll muddle through like the rest of us did with our firsts ;)

Lemondrop99 · 02/08/2017 16:15

And how many people read all the books out there and think they know everything....then fall flat on their face when reality bites You can prepare, but at the end of the day, everyone learns to be a parent while on the job.

Tell him to shut up and start being supportive. If you're already 10 weeks pregnant, it's a bit late and wry unhelpful for him to only raise his concerns now! Plenty of time to do some reading and attend ante natal classes if you want (I've been to classes but have barely opened a book, and not been impressed with the ones I have). Sounds like you'll need to have a proper conversation about the work/childcare balance before baby arrives.

Congratulations. You'll be fine.

tmc14 · 02/08/2017 17:12

Congratulations! How lovely for you. DH and I have 8 nieces & nephews between us, loads of friends with babies, I work often with kids. I'm 25 weeks pregnant with our first and neither of us has a bloody clue what we're doing! But that's ok. We'll figure it out, ask for help when we need & try our best.
Your DH has experience, and you sound intelligent & keen to be a good mum, so you will be I'm sure.
Good luck and don't think that others are more qualified. My mum admits to still making mistakes with her 5th!

Caterina99 · 02/08/2017 17:35

My DS is now 2. I was 30 when he was born and yes I had friends with babies but i wasn't exactly spending loads of time getting involved in the details of looking after them. Neither DH or I had ever changed a nappy.

We managed perfectly fine. Yes you have days where it all goes crazy and you are frantically googling something at 2am. But no one truly knows what they're doing with their first!

onemoremummy · 02/08/2017 18:46

I can think of no better reason for having a baby than being already pregnant 😄!

ifeellikechickentonight · 02/08/2017 19:00

Nobody knows what they're doing!

Even midwives and nursery nurses don't really know what they're doing when it's their own first baby.

You learn together, you and DP and baby. Whether you've never seen a baby in your life or you spend all day with them, nothing can prepare you really.

Go to antenatal classes and tell him it's a bit too late to be having second thoughts so he better get used to it!

Ceebs85 · 03/08/2017 00:04

Nobody knows what they're doing fo they? Oh shit, do they? I'm 38wks and haven't the foggiest clue what to do with a baby let alone a newborn. I think every new mum just muddles through finding their way in the dark.

I wouldn't read too much either as you'll end up even more baffled. I don't think babies are something you can really get 'up to speed' with.

Congratulations. Enjoy it xx

HeddaGarbled · 03/08/2017 00:26

He has grown up children and grandchildren. He was hoping his child rearing days were done. They are hard and tiring and he is old and will find it doubly hard and tiring. But tough, it's too late now.

Now then, money. You're not married, I think? If he can't cope and it all goes tits up, which sounds possible from his current behaviour, you do know that you will have no financial claim on him other than statutory child maintenance, which is a pittance, don't you? Especially if he's self-employed, which will enable him to under-declare his income.

What's the situation with your home? Is it his or do you own equally?

It is very very important that you remain financially independent. Do not sacrifice your business to his as you have no legal right to financial support from him unless you are married. You must insist that he contributes to his share of the childcare as agreed.

SerfTerf · 03/08/2017 00:29

Get yourself a book OP (and ceebs! )

drinkyourmilk · 03/08/2017 08:36

I was a nanny for nearly 20 years before I had my own baby 4 months ago.
I look and feel like I've been hit with a truck!
Nobody knows what they are doing with their first! It's a rollercoaster- sometimes it's scary, sometimes it's fun and you dont know what's round the corner, all you can do is sit back and enjoy the ride.
Tell him to fuck off with his unhelpful unsupportive comments.
He needs to have his panic elsewhere.
You'll be just fine.
(And breastfeeding isn't as easy as they tell you- just keep asking for help!)

Original poster

SomehowSomewhere1 · 04/08/2017 00:48

Thank you so, so much everyone! That makes me feel a lot better, going to remember and bookmark to read over again at other points too.

Very good point about looking after my own business and not sacrificing for his. Honestly, no idea if he'll stand by us. The baby was very much a planned pregnancy for both of us, with him as keen as me. It's only since then that he has backtracked. I think he'd make a great father, but regardless this baby is very much loved and wanted by me. Being a single mother is daunting, but doable and I have savings. You're right, he needs to cut the attitude, it's tough enough being first trimester without mothering him.

OP posts:

User24689 · 04/08/2017 02:45

I'd never held a newborn until I had my own. I had no idea how to change a nappy and didn't think to 'research' it! I just asked the mw to show me and I was away. No books can help you, it's bloody hard work and you learn on the job. But I'm about to have number 2 so I must have enjoyed it! (Still making it up as I go with 2 year old....)

nooka · 04/08/2017 03:04

I had dd 16mths after ds and had already forgotten how to parent a newborn! I don't suppose your dh is 'up to speed' either if his children are grown up (plus how hands on was he back then?). Oh and I had a baby with little non-book knowledge and no maternal feelings. We started our family mostly because dh was broody. We muddled through like most people do.

Megha22 · 04/08/2017 06:41

how will you ever know about the babies until unless you have one yourself, the feeling of insecurity is evident, financial stability needs to be ensured specially cause you are self employed things will be tougher for you , decide with your partner about sharing responsibility make everything clear before you take the plunge, but believe me through my own experience babies bring nothing but happiness , things will eventually fall in place once you have that bundle of joy in your arms.

Wonders71 · 04/08/2017 06:53

I Just winged it still am 8 years later....nothing prepares you for being a parent! Just enjoy the ride.

annandale · 04/08/2017 06:55

I would agree with those who say spend time getting legal advice rather than baby advice.

The great thing about babies is that they don't know what they should be doing either. If it takes 3 hours to get up and have breakfast, they consider it as successful as any other morning.

professorvape · 04/08/2017 09:46

I had not a Scooby with my first, and I was working full time and doing a PT degree so basically ignored the pregnancy I picked up a book, got really terrified and threw it away she's still alive and might I say, rather lovely! You'll be fine! It's not like swatting for a test, you'll learn on the job as it were

HeartburnCentral · 04/08/2017 09:56

Congratulations on your pregnancy. You will be fine. Most parents start out fairly clueless but you learn what works. I think your OH is panicking which is natural even if the pregnancy was planned. Being a parent of a small baby can be daunting, life changing but rewarding. He'll come round.

GinIsIn · 04/08/2017 10:00

My DS is 5mo. He's awesome. We had him largely to stop our parents asking when we were going to have a baby.

I read every book I could get my hands on, and nothing prepares you. You'll be fine!

thethoughtfox · 04/08/2017 10:16

He's being a twat. You learn on the job and as a more experienced parent, he should be lovingly guiding you not demanding you 'get up to speed' whatever the hell that means. Just smile and say you are so happy he will be able to take the reigns with the baby so you can learn from him.

milkyjo · 04/08/2017 11:06

I'm on my 3rd and its been 4 years since my last. I've forgotten even how to hold a newborn! I'm also a Paediatric Nurse!!!! All babies are different (they are people) and you will never know what they will be like until they come along - so he will also have to 'get up to speed' with YOUR baby as they won't have been made in a clone factory!

Nonibaloni · 04/08/2017 11:10

I hadn't a clue with my newborn. No classes and because of staffing no help on the maternity ward. I was working without a net.

Thank goodness! I made so many mistakes (all the mistakes) but I didn't know they were mistakes and we lived through it.
Take the pressure of yourself. Apart from anything else there's no exam you can pass that with guarentee anything.

FoxyinherRoxy · 04/08/2017 11:29

Pregnancy only prepares you for giving birth. After that we muddle through, lurching from one insecurity to another, for the next 20 years.

Frankly your OH needs to buck his ideas up and stop laying this shit on you. 'Up to speed'? You're having a baby not chairing a meeting. Tell him he can muddle through and make it up as you go along like the rest of us.

AnUtterIdiot · 04/08/2017 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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