What counts as "trying"?

[user1498647726]

Just a lighthearted one:my wife is (probably about)11 weeks pregnant with our first ,and we're going to start telling more family next week.
What I wanted other's takes on was this:when people ask "were you trying",how do you define "trying"?
We weren't tracking ovulation or using a schedule or such,but nor were we using contraceptives:so what camp does that put us in?!

If you weren't using contraceptives and happy at the prospect of falling pregnant then I'd say that's trying to fall pregnant.
Although I hate when people ask if it was planned . So bloody rude

I suppose it means did you make a conscious decision to 'try' to have a baby knowing that not using contraception would result in a pregnancy as opposed to a contraception failure.

Bit of a strange question to ask people really if you think about it.

You were trying.

Imo anyone who's not using contraception is 'trying'. (Including people who half arse it all "oh we're not really using contraception, but we're not trying".) You wanted a baby so you stopped using contraception. Lots of people never fuck around with apps/OPKs/temps/rigorously timing everything. I didn't.

That said, anyone who asks is being sodding nosey and, if it were me, would receive a head tilt and an icy, "I'm sorry?"

LOL,excellent point,Sluttybartfast,and will remember to summon icy disdain if/when asked.
Points taken,all. I think i would class us as 'hoping' rather than 'trying',especially as OH works in maternal care and I think if we'd said 'trying' it would have felt quite a pressurised situation and tense.

not using contraception is leaving it to chance

Er, not really. If you and partner have regular sex and are both fertile, then you will conceive if you stop using contraception. Most women have a surge in sex drive around ovulation anyway - your body has plenty of natural strategies to get you pregnant.

Eating healthily and trying to lose weight are different goals, not differences in effort.

I just find it bizarre that trying for a baby has become such a heavily medicalised and scheduled thing, when throwing away the condoms and having some fun works fine. I wonder if we've got altogether too used to being able to control our lives, and also about the effect on mental health and relationships all this intense 'trying' has.

Whenever anyone says "trying" to me, I can't help but think they're not very good at it, and he keeps putting it in her ear or something.

Sorry. As you were.

cracked up 😂

Mimsy

My post corral position was legs up the wall. I think that counted as trying.

Oh thanks autocorrect coital

I hate it when people ask this question I find it rude like basically did you stop taking contraception to try to conceive or was it a mistake?!! But yeah be prepared for people to ask this question.... ALOT

I find it strange that tracking ovulation etc is seen so much as the norm that to not do them is considered "not trying".

I mean, I do it too, but it's more because I'm curious, I don't think it actually makes that much difference for most people, and I think it makes it into a much more stressful time if you're worrying about making it happen on the right day etc.

If you were having sex without contraception you were either trying for a baby or fucking stupid. Which one do you think you fall into?

Are you really expecting people to quiz you on this?

I find it strange that tracking ovulation etc is seen so much as the norm that to not do them is considered "not trying".

Me too. And I don't think it's a particularly healthy trend. The flip side is people who don't use contraception and are then shocked, SHOCKED that they are pregnant.

FTR, I have been pregnant several times and no-one has ever asked.

I'd argue it's none of their business! Not known of anyone to ask this weird and intrusive question though, OP, so wouldn't overthink it.

We had loads of people ask! And of course the midwives ask if baby was planned at appointments.

Deliberately not using contraception = trying / planned, in my book. As in, you might drunkenly forget a condom and get pregnant, but even though you were having sex without protection the pregnancy wasn't planned. When you repeatedly and in full possession of your faculties forgo contraception, you are trying / planning.

I've never been asked by a midwife if my pregnancy was planned. Is this a new thing?

Mimsyborogroves lol!!i assure that was not a euphemism I was aware of.
See,Randomdent encapsulates my idea of 'trying'
Englandkeepmybones,I think the first one,and possibly the second but that's a wider question.
Floggingmolly, unfortunately yes:for the first two or three years of marriage people kept asking if we were trying/even if we were having difficulties.not close friends,obviously,but still people we know.
Interesting to hear the different perspectives from everyone.

Nobody apart from my midwife asked if it was planned. Either people just assumed that it was (married 5 years, stable jobs, "right" age), or some other people on here have much nosier friends than we do.

Floggingmolly - it is a common question for HCPs as it has some relevance to e.g. maternal mental health, relationships, potential support networks etc.

Yeah they asked Flogging. Unplanned pregnancies carry a higher risk of DV starting, also are a risk factor for antenatal depression. Also less likely you'll have researched stuff like folic acid so may need more support all round, really.

If someone said that to me I'd laugh at them as it's just another way of asking whether the baby was planned. So still pretty rude.

But, anyway, id definitely say you were trying as you'd made a conscious decision to come off birth control.

The other reason HCPs ask is that you can't assume that someone is pleased to be pregnant. They might want a termination or want to continue the pregnancy, but be terrified about health issues/the delivery. Sometimes this is obvious from how they tell you, sometimes it isn't. "Were you trying?" is a good way to open up a conversation and gauge their reaction to the pregnancy if they don't make it clear.

No idea why friends and family would feel the need to ask though.