Pregnant (8 weeks) and very upset

[LivvyAmanda]

Hi everyone

This is my first post and I'm in need of some honest advice.

2 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. It's a long backstory but the important thing is, it wasn't planned. My mum died in January and I hadn't had a period since then. I was on the pill until April but decided to try some time off it as I was worried that it was further affecting my cycle, but presumably the primary cause of the lack of periods being stress/grief. I was very upfront with my bf of nearly 5 years (both aged 33, living together in a house we bought jointly, both solicitors with good incomes). He knew I'd stopped taking it so there is no suggestion of him being duped, and we decided to use condoms.

Whilst on holiday in June there was one, literally 1, night where we didn't use any protection at all and one time where we got a bit carried away and he had to pull out (not failsafe I know!) . Obviously we're intelligent people and knew that probably wasn't very sensible in retrospect, but as I hadn't had any periods I wasn't overly concerned.

Fast forward a few weeks and for no particular reason, other than feeling a bit tired and "off" I took a pregnancy test, then I took 3 more - all positive.

I had to wait 48hrs to speak to my boyfriend because he was away, when I did, the response was very firm "I'm not ready to have a baby, we'll have to look at our options". Now, I knew the response was not going to be one of delight but I did not expect the hostility of his response. We have discussed having a family, he wants children, he is aware that at nearly 34 we wouldn't be able to leave it forever, and so at the moment all I can glean is that he doesn't want his "fun life" to be over yet.

I thought he would mellow and it was just the shock talking but over the last two weeks I've been the recipient of the following comments:

"You're so selfish, I don't want this baby"
"I'm not ready"
"If you have the baby there's a real chance we'll break up" etc etc.

And even... "there are more holidays I wanted us to go on next year"

He is currently aboard on a pre-planned holiday with his brother and I've been at home for 3 days going bonkers. We have an early scan booked on 24th as 1) Having had no periods I have no way of being sure how pregnant I am (other than a guess at 8 weeks based on estimated dates) 2) I hope that if he sees a scan he might realise it's real, and man up a bit. At the moment he's almost sticking his fingers in his ears and going "lalalalala". He hasn't asked once how I'm feeling (fine actually but that's not the point) and seems to think if we don't talk about it, it will go away.

I am very pro-choice and am absolutely not anti abortion. However, I don't want a termination for a number of reasons. I said, to pacify him, I'd look into the info, which I did, but it has only strengthened my resolve.

The issue is I feel so alone. It's a time when I really want my mum and I can't have her. It's only 6 months since she died and I'm still getting through the grief of all that. I'm worried that, if after the scan he hasn't changed, what I will do....

I love him with all my heart and he'a such a good person. He supported my entire family through my mum's illness and he's so close to his family, I'm just so shocked at how awful he has been. It's like being with a stranger.

I know everyone is different, but do men generally come around. I don't know anyone ever saying they regretted having a baby, but I know I would regret an abortion and our relationship would be untenable if I had one as I'd never forgive him or me. But I don't have a great support structure. My Mum isn't around and most of my good friends don't live near me anymore as they have moved out of London. I have friends around, but not the lifelong friends who would step up if ultimately I had to do it on my own. My job is also incredibly demanding hours wise and so, being realistic, even though legally they would have to make some alterations, I don't think it would be viable in the long term with a baby due to the hours and amount of travel expected of me.

I'm just so so sad at the moment (hormones probably not helping!) and being alone and unable to sleep makes it all seem so over whelming and scary. I'm starting to wonder if it's not about being scared and it's more whether he loves me enough to have a baby with me, maybe he isn't as happy as I thought he was, although he's not given me any cause to think that prior to the pregnancy news, but it's the kind of thing that swims round my head.

Does anyone have any advice or words of reassurance? This is so not how I envisaged my first pregnancy 😢

Hi lovely. My situation is very different to yours but it might make you feel better.

I found out I was pregnant in November - 21 years old, in my final year of uni, working part time at a shitty retail job, am living in a houseshare with other students, and have been with my boyfriend for six months. Boyfriend is 26, lives over an hour away in a city centre flat with his friend, and works full time.

I found out I was pregnant, told him, and his response was 'I'll love and support you whatever, but you already know what I think is best'. He listed all the pros of having an abortion, and all the reasons we couldn't have a baby at this time. I agreed, but I just couldn't go through with it. I had to tell him, and to be honest I was terrified I might lose him. He was upset at first; 'I'm not ready to be a dad' etc. Fast forward a couple for months and I've never seen someone so happy- talking to my belly, telling me I'm glowing. He really grew up too. I finished my degree, went on maternity leave from my job, he got a new, better job. We moved in together and have just finished decorating our house. Baby is due in 2 weeks and we genuinely could not be happier.

Nothing worked out in the way we planned it but everything has worked out wonderfully.

What I'm really trying to say is, people do come round A LOT, and it seems like your financial situation is extremely stable, and if you want this baby, go for it. He needs to do a bit of growing up and accept It, and I'm sure in time he'll come around and be a great dad.

Good luck OP. Do what feels right. You're not alone x

Aww i really hope he does come around! Its scary, totally overwhelming for both parents and, although his response was very shitty and not what someone in their first pregnancy wants to hear, he is probably just terrified at the thought of being responsible for someone. There is a selfish part in everyone wondering what they will 'miss out on' by having a baby. My little girl is 3 months old and absolutely the best decision we ever made! But honestly, at the start, and throughout my pregnancy (which was amazing, i have never been as well as i was in my pregnancy) at times i was terrified, my husband was terrified and we did have our doubts about how we would cope. If your oh doesnt chsnge his mind at the scan, i honestly do think you are better to tell him that you may need some time apart. Pregnancy is scary and you have to surround yourself with positivity and with people that make you happy and are happy for you. I want to send a massive congratulations to you and your partner and i sincerely hope he does change his mind. Seeing your baby, your little miracle on the screen at your first scan is one of the best feelings in the world, second to holding your baby for the first time! Please try and enjoy your pregnancy and surround yourself with positive vibes. I am a big believer in fate. My daddy died when i was 12 and i took great comfort that he was with me throughout my pregnancy and labour as i am sure your mum is with you. I hope i dont annoy you with that comment but maybe your mum felt you needed a bit of positivity in your life and so, send you this little miracle. Good luck to you and your partner and your impending bundle of joy xxx

It takes time to get used to the idea of becoming parents especially when the pregnancy is a surprise. Have you spoken through things with someone neutral such as family Planning Association or your local Clinic? Sometimes it can put things in perspective. This is not the worst case senario your bf is making it out to be. You have a house together and share a life. Be kind to yourself. Have the dating scan and see how you both feel then. It is hard being apart at such an anxious time.

I am so sorry you are going through this stress OP, it is the last thing you need when you are already grieving.

He might well come round. The question will be whether you can forgive his initial response.

I think you could say that you will be keeping the baby for certain, more certainly than keeping him for example. That you believe he will not regret this long term because if he wants children and is 34, then in a situation like this it is time to adjust and get with it. Ok, it is a shock, and he may need to let it sink in, but there is only so much you should have to tolerate. I would warn him that if he thinks he is going to adjust, he'd better do it fast because you may not be able to forgive his attitude if it continues much longer.

I really feel for you

I don't really get your BF though. You've been together 5 years. Live together. Financially stable. Want children one day...but not now? At nearly 34, how much longer does he want to wait? It's not always easy to get pregnant when you want. Does he suggest an abortion now, and try again in a year or two?

Hopefully it's the shock, but he doesn't sound very nice right now.

Remove him from the equation...what do you want to do?

x

No solutions to offer, OP, but maybe you would feel better if you were to check out what alternative employment you could get that would be more child friendly. You certainly sound like you want the baby and if you can't have one now, when can you?

I think at 34 you need to be realistic. Think of yourself. Men can be far more cavalier about fertility but for women the success rates of getting pregnant drop dramatically from your mid 30s on wards and it is well documented how the risks for chromosomal abnormalities rise. There are so many celebrities in their late 40s and early 50s who appear to get pregnant without issue but the truth of their situations can be very different.
On another note, I feel for you. This is an awful situation to be in because it sounds like it may very well be the end of your relationship. I've had friends who we keen to move forward in their relationships, clocks ticking etc and both parties interested in children, only for the male part to drag feet. Those relationships broke down because one side was talking the talk but not walking the walk. It sounds like your partner is the same.
I'm 34 myself, I have two other children, just turned 4&2 and while they are a huge energy drain (but a good one) I can tell you that I am much more tired this pregnancy than my others. It's harder on the body as you get older and the sleep deprivation is NO JOKE. It took me years to get used to it, I can survive on 4-5 hrs unbroken now. I wish your partner was more supportive. I can tell you that this baby wasn't planned and at first DH wasn't exactly delighted but he's very happy now. He's a great dad anyway. I wish you luck. Xxxx

This is an unplanned pregnancy for you but an unwanted one for him. He may come round to becoming a father but you need to decide if you can face being a lone parent.

It's time for his attitude to change or you need to decide to do this on your own. You both took a risk and so this is not just your fault. You're in a stable relationship and financially secure. I'm sure you both know of others with children at this age. My husband and I are both in professional jobs and a lot of our friends in similar jobs had children by the time they were 34.

He needs to decide to do this and be properly up for it. If he enters this reluctantly then the balance of power will shift and there will be resentment. Having a baby is not easy and you need to be able to rely on him fully. Or do this alone.

We moved to a new area when I was 7 months pregnant without family support nearby but we've made really good friends. Do an NCT course, go to baby groups. You'll find a network. We also took our 4 month old to the Caribbean. There's still time for big holidays.

Good luck - it's a horrible situation but it will work itself out.

I don't have much to add but just wanted to say I really feel for you. This sounds so tough and sad and frustrating for you. I would second all the things user above advised you to say. Your partner really has to understand that if he equally got 'carried away' that night knowing you weren't on the pill, it is also his responsibility - he can't just blame you for it as if it were something you actively did to him.

Please put yourself first now, and have your wonderful baby! I don't have any experience on whether men come around later, but even if he didn't, I'm sure you'd be able to work it all out. You're in a stable enough place overall and sound very thoughtful and considerate. You don't have to have all the solutions worked out in advance - some things will also fall into place later on, and you will adjust to things as they come.

Also, congratulations!!

I had a surprise pregnancy when I was 30 - my situation was a little different as dh and I had vaguely talked about having children at some point - we'd been together about the same length of time as you and your bf and only just bought a house together. It took us a little bit of time to get our heads around it and during the pregnancy I certainly felt very alone. Interestingly the bit that my dh got totally hung up on (though I didn't figure it out until much later) was the financial responsibility. He also made some comments about not being able to go on holiday anymore so I guess he was worried about the lack of freedom too.

I won't lie - my pregnancy was not amazing. I was horribly sick, miserable and anxious and he just couldn't understand how badly I was struggling. He also took very little interest in all the stuff I wanted to do to get ready for the baby. We had one really nice week on holiday when I was about 30 weeks pregnant, but the rest of it was pretty awful.

I found maternity leave very hard too. I tried to do everything as dh (we are both solicitors in London) was commuting and working very long hours. Our ds didn't sleep through the night for a year and I was practically deranged with tiredness.

BUT, somehow, gradually things turned around. Our ds is almost 2 now and dh is a totally devoted father. I have been back at work for almost a year and my law firm has been amazing - so supportive. I had no idea how manageable my job could become as I used to work very long hours! I am now pregnant with dc2 and both dh and I are determined to do things totally differently this time. It's going well so far!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you've both had a shock and you need to give it some time. Maybe a lot of time. Don't have an abortion if it's not right for you. You can do this on your own if you need to. Also, don't underestimate how much more possible your job might be that you currently think it is! Even while I was on maternity leave I found it impossible to imagine being a fee-earner (M&A) with a small child... soon I'll be a fee-earner with two small children!

Thank you so much for all your responses. It all just feels so out of my control at the moment, even though I know it's firmly in my control as I have the final say. It's just that we've never disagreed on anything before (other than the usual silly things) and it's like he's morphed into a new person.

It would be worse of course if he had never wanted children, but that's the bit I can't get my head around. He does and he accepts he was thinking it would be in a couple of years time, so I just find it so hard to understand his reaction to this.

I really hope that the early scan will make him realise that this is happening and he'll take his head out of the sand. If not I suppose I'll have to deal with it on my own; but even if he does I know I'm not in for an easy ride. I expect he will be as you describe, largely disinterested in the pregnancy, but I could manage that if he ultimately is a good dad; which I know he could be. All very hard indeed 😕

Just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about your situation. It sounds really tough.
People have given some really sound advice so you can re-read these comments when your feeling overwhelmed.
My situation is a bit different, I'm 32 and a lot of my friends have been TTC for a long time. The fear of this happening to me made me push us trying for a baby a little further forward than we, particularly he would have liked to. I had told him that it was likely to take 6 months and may even take up to a year so when I fell pregnant straight away my OH was in a state of shock for about 3 weeks, I would talk at him but he just ignored baby related news. It was a really shitty time for me.
He too had thought we'd have more baby free holidays and I found out later that he felt totally overwhelmed about the financial responsibility he would have, he kept saying, I just though I'd earn more money and be in a better financial position before we had a baby. I think he also thought having a baby would mean giving up everything fun in life. We've just got back from a festival, have another holiday later on in the year and will be taking our little one to Ibiza next summer for a wedding.
Think he's slowly realising that we were really lucky to have managed to conceive so easily now and that maybe the future isn't looking so bleak. At the festival a friend opened up to him about what they have been going through with IVF and I think that really helped him get some perspective!

Wishing you all the best with your pregnancy and let's hope he gets some sense knocked into him! Xx

You need to make the decision that is right for you. Your relationship may not work out regardless of the decision so it needs to be the right one. Don't terminate for someone else. It's actually selfish of him to be calling you selfish. If he really didn't want a baby right now he should have worn a condom.

Believe it or not only ~44% of pregnancies are planned. You don't need a father to raise a child but it will be hard on you and harder on the child. It seems that if you have the baby he may be a good father, he simply doesn't want a child right now. Keep in mind that you'll be stuck with it for a minimum of ~20 years.
Good Luck

You need to tell him you are having the baby so he can decide if he's onboard or not. You are financially stable with a good job and are at an age where your fertility will be waning quite soon. If you want the baby please Connor let him pressure you into terminating.

I'm so sorry about your mum 💐

*dont let him

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation, it is not easy especially when you are still grieving. I'm currently pregnant with my second child and my husband is not happy about it at all. He found the baby stage very stressful with our daughter and was very reluctant to try for a second, but eventually came round. However when I told him I was pregnant I think the reality hit him and he has been really negative, referring to the baby as "the screaming brat" and making resentful remarks about how the next 3 years if his life have been ruined. I'm just hoping he comes to terms with it as he is a great dad to our daughter, but it is really hard as I am delighted and feel that I can't share that with anyone. Having an abortion is a huge decision and not one that someone else can make for you, so I agree with the other posts - make up your own mind and he can choose whether to support you or not. Good luck with it all!

You need to tell him you are having the baby so he can decide if he's onboard or not. I agree.

My DH didn't really want a baby, but I desperately did. So I think he just agreed to have one for me. But boy was he depressed during my pregnancy. It was a miserable time. I felt totally alone. He hardly took any interest in the pregnancy, not interested in feeling the baby kick etc. Had no interest in attending the birth.

And I must say that it didn't get any better when DS was born. DH distanced himself from DS and me and we felt like a completely fragmented family. It was really tough.

However, DS is 2 and a half now and DH is utterly besotted with him. The change came very gradually between about 9 months and 1 and a half. They now have a lovely relationship and, with some massive compromises on my part and a great deal of acceptance (DH is not particularly 'hands on' with the feeding/changing/bathing/chores side of parenting and I am definitely the primary care giver), we are better as a couple too. DH plays with DS for hours, takes him to the park and soft play and teaches him all sorts of stuff, and chats to him. it's really lovely to see. He is so proud of him and adores him.

The pregnancy and first year were immensely tough but I wouldn't have not had DS even if I'd known how tough it would be or what a toll it would take on our relationship.

What I'm saying is: your BF's bad reaction now is unlikely to last and is unlikely to portend being an unwilling or bad dad once your DC is here.

P.s. I was a solicitor too, before I had DS. I would never have been able to make the compromises I've made and take up the mantle of primary care giver if I'd stayed in private practice. I'd have completely burnt out.

If you want to stay in private practice (assuming that's where you are), you need a partner who is not like mine and is much happier to take an active role in the care-giving side of parenting from the get-go

Lots of good advice on here so far, I don't have much to add. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Losing my mum was one of the hardest things that I've been through. Terminating a pregnancy when you don't want to is likely to have long lasting, devastating effects on your mental wellbeing. Dealing with both so close together - please don't do that to yourself.

If you terminated, when you so clearly don't want to, you'll resent him and I can almost guarantee you'd end up breaking up over this anyway. You'd just have the guilt of the termination on top.

You need to do what's right for you, whether or not he's involved. He's just as responsible for this pregnancy. I too find it baffling that at your ages and in your circumstances, he considers he's not ready. It's not like you're teenagers who have been dating for a few months.

Your age is something to consider. Your fertility will be affected by your age. How long does he expect you to put this off? And if you terminate this pregnancy, you cannot know if you'll ever get successful pregnant again (not due to the termination, but no one knows what the you're holds. Things cannot be assumed. I've heard of people who have struggled to conceive after one pregnancy). Then how would you both feel?

I'm absolutely pro choice. You clearly want this baby and I think you need to do what's best for you. Hopefully this is shock and he'll come around.

I am not sure I have any practical advice but did want to say, that whatever you decide, you will make it work somehow. I feel desperately sorry for you and I wish I could give you a big hug.

May I suggest, again, whatever you decide, that you think about having some therapy? Just someone to talk to and help you navigate the grief of losing your mum and facing whatever the future now holds.

If you feel you'd resent him too much after the termination for the relationship to work then I'd say keep the baby. Otherwise you may find yourself single for a few years by which time the clock really will be ticking to get pregnant.

Good luck with whatever you decide