Hi everyone
This is my first post and I'm in need of some honest advice.
2 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. It's a long backstory but the important thing is, it wasn't planned. My mum died in January and I hadn't had a period since then. I was on the pill until April but decided to try some time off it as I was worried that it was further affecting my cycle, but presumably the primary cause of the lack of periods being stress/grief. I was very upfront with my bf of nearly 5 years (both aged 33, living together in a house we bought jointly, both solicitors with good incomes). He knew I'd stopped taking it so there is no suggestion of him being duped, and we decided to use condoms.
Whilst on holiday in June there was one, literally 1, night where we didn't use any protection at all and one time where we got a bit carried away and he had to pull out (not failsafe I know!) . Obviously we're intelligent people and knew that probably wasn't very sensible in retrospect, but as I hadn't had any periods I wasn't overly concerned.
Fast forward a few weeks and for no particular reason, other than feeling a bit tired and "off" I took a pregnancy test, then I took 3 more - all positive.
I had to wait 48hrs to speak to my boyfriend because he was away, when I did, the response was very firm "I'm not ready to have a baby, we'll have to look at our options". Now, I knew the response was not going to be one of delight but I did not expect the hostility of his response. We have discussed having a family, he wants children, he is aware that at nearly 34 we wouldn't be able to leave it forever, and so at the moment all I can glean is that he doesn't want his "fun life" to be over yet.
I thought he would mellow and it was just the shock talking but over the last two weeks I've been the recipient of the following comments:
"You're so selfish, I don't want this baby"
"I'm not ready"
"If you have the baby there's a real chance we'll break up" etc etc.
And even... "there are more holidays I wanted us to go on next year"
He is currently aboard on a pre-planned holiday with his brother and I've been at home for 3 days going bonkers. We have an early scan booked on 24th as 1) Having had no periods I have no way of being sure how pregnant I am (other than a guess at 8 weeks based on estimated dates) 2) I hope that if he sees a scan he might realise it's real, and man up a bit. At the moment he's almost sticking his fingers in his ears and going "lalalalala". He hasn't asked once how I'm feeling (fine actually but that's not the point) and seems to think if we don't talk about it, it will go away.
I am very pro-choice and am absolutely not anti abortion. However, I don't want a termination for a number of reasons. I said, to pacify him, I'd look into the info, which I did, but it has only strengthened my resolve.
The issue is I feel so alone. It's a time when I really want my mum and I can't have her. It's only 6 months since she died and I'm still getting through the grief of all that. I'm worried that, if after the scan he hasn't changed, what I will do....
I love him with all my heart and he'a such a good person. He supported my entire family through my mum's illness and he's so close to his family, I'm just so shocked at how awful he has been. It's like being with a stranger.
I know everyone is different, but do men generally come around. I don't know anyone ever saying they regretted having a baby, but I know I would regret an abortion and our relationship would be untenable if I had one as I'd never forgive him or me. But I don't have a great support structure. My Mum isn't around and most of my good friends don't live near me anymore as they have moved out of London. I have friends around, but not the lifelong friends who would step up if ultimately I had to do it on my own. My job is also incredibly demanding hours wise and so, being realistic, even though legally they would have to make some alterations, I don't think it would be viable in the long term with a baby due to the hours and amount of travel expected of me.
I'm just so so sad at the moment (hormones probably not helping!) and being alone and unable to sleep makes it all seem so over whelming and scary. I'm starting to wonder if it's not about being scared and it's more whether he loves me enough to have a baby with me, maybe he isn't as happy as I thought he was, although he's not given me any cause to think that prior to the pregnancy news, but it's the kind of thing that swims round my head.
Does anyone have any advice or words of reassurance? This is so not how I envisaged my first pregnancy 😢