Ashamed of gender preference

[pomadas87]

Very nervous about posting here but I am getting so down I don't know what to do and would appreciate any advice.

Currently 21 weeks pregnant with my first and I was so happy when we found out, truly I just wanted a healthy baby and we haven't found out the gender as we liked the idea of a surprise.

Over the past 3-4 weeks I have been so down in the dumps - I have a history of depression and anxiety over past 12 years - and I am recognising the signs.. feeling tearful, panicky, hopeless, alone, and I am so sad I am not excited about the baby anymore.

I also have a preference on gender which I am so so ashamed about - I know it doesn't matter but I think about it every day and I worry I won't love the baby. At such a loss as to what to do and am scared to tell DH or midwife as they'll think I can't cope.

Have you had your 20 weeks scan? You should find out the sex of the baby then. If it's your preference, you'll relax. If not, you'll have another 20 weeks to get your head around it.

The sex is irrelevant. I know it's hard to believe that when it's your first baby. But they are truly all the same for the first year at least, maybe more. What's between their legs makes no difference to anything.

You may think "I don't really like little boys/little girls" but that's as an objective outsider when you look at other children. This one is yours and it changes everything. It's not your son or your daughter but your child, from your own genes and flesh. Just a baby. Don't project your hopes or dreams or fears onto a baby who is a blank page. Your relationships with people in your past are just that. In the past. You make this relationship what it will be, because of you, not because of stupid gender norms and expectations.

I have both sexes. They are both brilliant.

It's good that you've realised part of your depression has came back and you can try to deal with it now.
A lot of people with or without depression can have gender preferences, it's one of these things. I personally cant relate as I have struggled years with infertility and IVF, so I couldn't care less about the sex.
The majority of people who get so strung up on the gender, don't care at all once the baby is in their arms, all happy and healthy. I think for the most part but have an ideal stereotype in their head of what there desired gender would be like, and most of the time reality doesn't live up toel the fantasy.

I'm sure you when u have your child youll be over the moon no matter what sex it is but your anxiety in the mean time wont be good for you so i would definitely seek help in the mean time

I missed that your 20 weeks scan has been and gone. My advice is to pay privately for a gender scan. It's not that expensive and widely available.

I think you need to know.

I think we're your going wrong, as most anxious folk (myself included) do, is shaming yourself. There really is nothing wrong with having a preference, or even initially not feeling love or joy over your baby. Some people are disappointed at first, some people take time to love their child. It really is ok and just go with the flow, you will eventually feel a bond and any gender disappointment will pass too. Don't be scared to open up to people, that's another mistake. It's always bigger in your head and midwives have herd it all before. Cut yourself some slack, don't get this all right in your head. It will all be ok. Caring people tend to be worriers, I'm sure you will be a fab parent.

Please stop being so hard on yourself. The way you feel is just the way you feel. Might it he best to find out the gender so you've time to get used to the idea whatever it may be?

You really need to be more open with your midwife and husband. Are you diagnosed with depression? You may need a GP review given the change since being pregnant. Hormones effect us massively and if you've a history of depression it's all the more important to try to nip this in the bud. Keeping it to yourself won't help, nor will hoping it gets better

I had a preference and found out at 20 weeks it was the opposite. I was so worried before that I would be disappointed/not love the baby but actually I don't feel any of these things, I think the thought of being disappointed is so over whelming it's hard to get past that. I would recommend finding out now as I think you'll either find you are not disappointed if it isn't your preference or if you are then much better find out now and give yourself time to adjust. Don't feel bad/guilty. You can't help how you are feeling. Speak to midwife, this isn't about you not coping it's about giving you the right support. Pregnancy and all its hormones (and life changingness) is hard work and needing support isn't a sign of weakness- it's normal. Good luck xxx

Thank you for all the responses, it's really reassuring to read.
RainaBaina your comment about the baby being a blank page really resonated with me - thank you.
I have a midwife appointment next week, I will tell her everything then and be honest with how I'm feeling.

Some girls are boyish, some boys are girlish. It's best to get to know the child, not their gender.

I hated girls toys like dolls, prams etc when I was younger. Mind you I didn't like cars much either. I liked arts and craft toys and making things.

You have no idea what your kid will be like personality wise and it isn't dictated by their gender.

So I went for a scan this morning and found out the gender - I thought it would give me time to come to terms with it. The baby is not what I was hoping for, and I am sitting in my car crying and feeling so ashamed and awful. I'm a terrible person and I keep apologising aloud to the baby.

I'm determined to come to terms with it before baby gets here - I am so ashamed of myself for feeling this way.

Honestly, my Mum wishes for a girl so badly. I ended up the biggest tomboy out there and she couldn't get her head around it at all. She wanted to dress me cute and I refused as soon as I was old enough. I don't have a close relationship with her and many mother/daughter relationships are fraught.

I did want a girl, still do, but had a boy. As soon as he was born I never gave it a second thought. He is just himself. I can't imagine anything being any different. I went through a phase of worrying I will just have all one sex but now I realise it really doesn't make a damn bit of difference at all.

I would chat to your midwife and work through this. When you see baby, you will probably forget over time and hopefully be so besotted with them. Our society places too much emphasis on gender. Boys can have "feminine"qualities as vice versa. It is about the relationship you build with your baby and the love you have for them.

Why is it you want the other gender exactly?

Came to this too late to say don't find out. I thought I wanted a girl, always saw myself with a girl etc. Didn't find out what at we were having, had a boy. He is, without a doubt, the light of my life. Took me approximately 3 seconds to go "a boy, really?" And then fall completely and utterly isn't love with him.

Definetly bring it up with our MW, but, if you can, try to stop thinking of it as "a boy" or "a girl" and instead just think of it just as your baby. It will be what it will be, regardless of the sex.

@pomadas87 You poor thing, you really must stop beating yourself up over all this. It is okay to have a preference. It really is. And it's understandable to be disappointed. But now that you know you need to allow yourself a set time to have a cry and grieve, and then move on and start getting excited about meeting your little one. Talk to him or her - and talk with your partner about what it will be like to have a little boy/girl. Talk to friends who have babies or children of that gender about their little ones and what they love about them. Focus on seeking out the positives. And know that you will love your baby regardless, just as much.

Please stop being so hard on yourself.

I felt exactly the same as you, I really wanted a little boy. I think it was because I ready had a boy and girls scared me as I felt clueless, but I was later diagnosed with perinatal depression. I felt so disappointed when I had my scan, and it took me a few weeks to feel different but I don't think I ever really felt excited. I hated pregnancy, it was an awful time for me and I felt sure I wouldn't love my baby and that I'd be a terrible mum.

My little girl is the absolute light of my life. A gender is just a gender, it doesn't define anything about that little person growing in your body. It doesn't tell you how weak you will feel when they smile at you, or tell you they love you. It doesn't tell you how that newborn baby smell can make your heart skip a beat. It doesn't tell you all of the funny things your child will say, all their lovely little quirks, that will make you belly laugh.

Some people don't bond straight away, and that's ok. It will come. For me, it took a month or two after the birth but for others it's instant. Please be kind to yourself and let your midwife know how you feel x

Oh, pomadas, you poor thing. I think you've done the right thing by finding out. I really wanted a girl when I was first pregnant and I found out the gender beforehand partly because I didn't want to be disappointed. By the time DS arrived I had totally come to terms with it and I think would have felt a bit disappointed if he had come out a girl! Just because you feel down about it now doesn't mean you won't be delighted with your lovely baby and you don't need to feel guilty about it. I agree though that you should talk to your midwife about how you are feeling and take care of yourself.

Don't tell me- you wanted a girl but are having a boy? I read sooo many threads on here with women feeling despairing that they are having a boy because they have visions of football and rough and tumble. And that's it.

I have three boys and I'm telling you now that not one of those stereotypes is true. This gender madness that is foisted upon young babies and children is insanity.

My boys are complete individuals. They are sensitive, emotional, gentle, clever beautiful children. Be kind to yourself OP but also, the reality of your little baby in your arms is a million miles away from some abstract concept that you have of what your child will be like.

@pomadas87 just wanted to send some compassionate vibes and say bless you try not to beat yourself up about what are very natural feelings to have. I am quite open in wanting to have a girl for our first child, I'm now 28 weeks and we haven't found out the sex as my husband really doesn't want to know. As pregnancy progresses I'm really starting to struggle with the idea that although I feel like they're a little girl they may well not be. You've had a shock this morning and it makes complete sense that you take time to process this, and allow yourself to feel disappointed or even grieve not having the outcome you were hoping to have right now. This doesn't mean that you won't love your child or that you won't feel different about this when your little one arrives, but right now it's still raw for you. The one thing that I can't stand is when people ask if you'd prefer one or the other, you say and then they respond "oh well, as long as it's healthy that's the main thing". Of course it is, that goes without saying but I really feel that reaction invalidates what you're feeling as a mum-to-be. Nothing to be ashamed of xxx

I completely understand where you are coming from. I desperately wanted a girl and couldn't imagine anything else. I had a private scan and found out I was having a boy. I was disappointed. However, I can honestly say from the moment he was born I have never even given the sex a second thought. I love having a boy and wouldn't change anything about him. There's a huge difference between an imagined baby in your head and the reality.

Thanks again for your replies.
quarterpast actually no it was the opposite, I had wanted a boy.

I've thought of nothing else today and still feel so sad - although I feel more upset about how terrible it is to have a preference, rather than the actual outcome. This makes me think it's really just something I need to work through - I am recognising the signs of depression again and I'm thinking it's manifesting itself in this... I'm hoping my midwife can help me this week because I feel like a monster for thinking like this.

I do appreciate all the replies, thank you

I've heard of quite a few women really wanting girls but then having boys and feeling disappointed (personally haven't heard of any the other way around). It's more common than you'd expect so do not beat yourself up about it!
Someone said that they weren't sad they were having a boy but they were they were sad they weren't having a girl and that they'd have felt the same either way.
So many different emotions and feelings and you're right to chat to your midwife

I really would have loved a little girl. I'm very girly and had no experience of boys. Honestly he's my best friend. I wouldn't change hm for the world. And it would probably be the same if he was a girl. Honestly I don't know anyone who says 'I wish my four year old was a boy/girl'.

Sorry cross posted with you. You're not a monster at all. I really wanted a boy too and I'd have been shocked if I'd found out he wasn't as in my head I'd told myself I was definitely having a boy. Weirdly, I think a lot less about him being a he now he is here-I don't know what I thought would be so different. Pregnancy is hard emotionally for lots of women

Oh please do speak to your midwife about how you are feeling. There definitely is no shame in wanting a baby boy but with your previous history and recognising signs of it returning, it may be perinatal depression and you may need some help. Please access it. Best of luck with your pregnancy x

Sorry for assuming wrongly OP. Just wanted to reassure you if it had been the other way around. I think talking to your midwife and getting support is absolutely the right thing to do. Antenatal depression is a recognised complication of pregnancy and you will be helped. Look after yourself

OP, you have my sympathy, depression in pregnancy is so so difficult and not talked about enough, I would wager that your feelings are more to do with the onset of depression than a personal preference. I have suffered depression in and off and it is a terrible feeling to have when pregnant as you feel you should be overjoyed constantly for 40 weeks, it's a huge expectation to place on yourself, allow yourself to feel what you need to. I had always imagined I would have a boy, when I found out we were having a girl I was a little worried as I hadn't built up the image of raising a girl in my mind, and all the extra challenges that it would bring. But until they are much older children are children, their sex doesn't make a difference to who they are as people in terms of personality, the way society pushes gender norms is the culprit there.

Don't be so hard on yourself, and make sure to talk to your midwife about how you are feeling, they will help support you and you have nothing to fear, they won't think you are a bad person or whatever as they will have seen depression and gender disappointment a thousand times before.

Congratulations on your healthy baby by the way please look after yourself