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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Siblings at the birth?

46 replies

MarmaladeSun · 10/07/2004 14:31

Hi. I'm expecting my third baby on Saturday, and am booked for a home birth. My 2 older children are 7 and 10, and whilst the older one (a girl) is happy to play in another room while I am giving birth and come in seconds later, my younger son wants to be present when the baby actually comes into the world. He knows what birth is like as he has watched a programme on it which didn't faze him at all. I had no qualms about it at all, until I have just mentioned to my Mum that he wants to be there for the birth and her reaction was one of extreme horror. The words 'disgusting' and 'unnatural' were bandied about and I was made to feel like some kind of weirdo devo for saying he could be there. That's the whole point of me having a home birth...it's a family occasion and if the children want to be involved they can. Am I being too 'tree-huggy' or is it wrong in your opinion?

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daisy1999 · 10/07/2004 14:33

Purely a personal decision for you and you family. If you, dh, and children are happy then go for it.

wobblyknicks · 10/07/2004 14:39

I think its a perfectly reasonable idea. It doesn't sound disgusting - its about the most natural thing you could do so why shouldn't he be there if he wants to?

lisalisa · 10/07/2004 14:39

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daisy1999 · 10/07/2004 14:42

Might it be an idea to have someone there (even in the next room) just for him if it is all too much. I don't think you'll be in state to comfort him

motherinferior · 10/07/2004 14:46

I'd keep your options open. I didn't want dd1 there but that's because I couldn't spare energy to concentrate on her and she was only 2.

beetroot · 10/07/2004 14:50

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Samcj · 10/07/2004 15:42

Don't have any experience (yet!!), but I do know how I feel about my own mum. I would of hated to see her in pain, I would even now, and I think it might be a case of 'a little too much information'. I also think they might be a distraction, but then with this being your fourth you must be a bit of a pro by now. Have you discussed it with your midwife? Probably best to do what you feel is right, but do have back-up plans and alternatives, good luck! Be interesting to hear your birth story!

hewlettsdaughter · 10/07/2004 15:50

MarmaladeSun - I don't agree with your mum that it would be disgusting or unnatural for your son to be present - but it might add extra stress to the situation for him and for you. Depends on how the birth goes... If there's someone there for him then they can look after him and judge whether he's ok or not.
Saying that, in the end we didn't get anyone to look after my son while I was in labour at home just a few weeks ago. He slept through the whole thing and woke up to a new sister in the morning.

Original poster

MarmaladeSun · 10/07/2004 15:55

My son is the 7 year old, not the 10 year old and yes...I'm very open with my children and they know all about the gruesome bits of childbirth. The fact that some women poo; that I will be in pain (but have explained why, that all the grunting and groaning is through the sheer hard work)and that I will not be able to 'see to him' as and when he wants. We have only just moved to the area and therefore I don't know anyone well enough to trust them with my children, and my nearest family is a 2 hour drive away, which means that it would take DH a good 4 hours to drop them off and get back here again by which time I could well have had the baby without any of my family there. (Incidentally, from past experience I don't scream an awful lot during labour. Last notes said 'beautifully controlled, natural labour'Don't get me wrong, I don't intend for him to be at my nether regions watching at close range, just to be there to see the moment she is born and ONLY if he feels he wants to be. Otherwise, shutting him out of the room would make me (and him I think) feel that he is being excluded. I just think, maybe, that being on the other side of the door and hearing Mum in pain might be somewhat more disturbing than seeing why it's happening.

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Original poster

MarmaladeSun · 10/07/2004 15:57

Hewlettsdaughter...how fantastic. That's how I hope the birth will be. That they will either be at school, or in bed. It's just that if they ARE here then I don't want to shut them out. Does that make sense?

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Original poster

MarmaladeSun · 10/07/2004 15:59

Doh...didn't mean that smiley face to be in there!!!! LOL. Makes it look like I'm being smug! Which I'm not. Oops.

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hewlettsdaughter · 10/07/2004 16:05

Makes a lot of sense to me, MarmaladeSun. I thought about having my son (who's 4 and a half)in the room with us for the birth but decided that if he was around I wouldn't actually want him there until a few minutes afterwards. In the event, as I say, he slept through and we decided to wait until he woke up to tell him the news.
I think if your son wants to be there, you want him to be there, and you've prepared him for what might happen, then why not give it a go? Just have a back-up plan, as others have said.

Blu · 10/07/2004 16:09

When I was 7 I was woken in the night by our doctors booming voice and went in to the spare room to see my mum surrounded by doctor, mw and Granny. I couldn't see the actual birth but I stood quietly by the door and waited. After a few moments kerfuffle, I saw the doctor hold up the baby, say 'you have a girls Mrs Blu@ and could quite clearly see my mothers face radiant with love, through the sweat and red cheeks - a look i have never forgetten. If some bits are alarming for a 7 year-old taken in isolation, the wonderful thing is that he will see it in the context of the whole.

What will you do if it isn't as straight forward as last time? Who will look after them then?

jampot · 10/07/2004 16:25

Wow - what a lovely story Blu.. Agree with most on this thread Marmalade - why not leave the door ajar and he can drift in and out as he pleases. Good luck to all the Marmalades xx

Original poster

MarmaladeSun · 10/07/2004 17:18

Thanks jampot. Blu, in an emergency I will call on the woman opposite me to have the kids. I have prepared them for this also, and she is the only one they will feel comfortable with as she has a toddler who they can fuss over for a while. I wouldn't feel at ease having someone here who I didn't know listening to me giving birth LOL, it's such a personal thing. Leaving the door ajar is exactly what I intended; that way if they want to stand at a distance and watch they can. Anyway, the best laid plans and all that. Who knows what will happen?

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Bibiboo · 10/07/2004 20:28

I don't think there's anything wrong with your sone being present if you're both happy about it. You'll only be able to tell when it's actually happening if he can cope, so as long as he knows he's welcome to come in, but it's okay for him to change his mind and leave, then I don't see a problem. Good luck, hope it all goes well for you, and congrats on being able to be so open with your children!

Aero · 10/07/2004 21:29

Mine went a lot like yours HD - they went to bed when I was in the early stages - I told them the baby was coming in the next day or two and that I really needed their help and co-operation by going to bed with no messing about. I knew full well that ds2 would arrive b4 midnight, but didn't think I could cope with them there and didn't want them to see me struggle with my pain.
My sister was on hand if they woke up, and to make cups of tea (didn't want her to watch either - she has no kids yet!). I think it must be hard to watch someone in pain and not be able to do anything, so didn't think they were ready at 6 & 3 for that life experience.
Ds2 arrived without too much fuss as it happens at 11.15pm that night and ds1 and dd slept right through and came up in the morning as usual to find their new baby brother in bed with mummy and daddy and they were just thrilled.
You must do what you feel is right for your family MS. It wasn't for us, but it's certainly not 'disgusting' or 'unnatural'. I'd just be thinking it could be more traumatic for them than they think, despite watching it on TV. It's not quite the same when it's his mummy who's dealing with pain. I wish you luck anyway, whatever you decide.

carla · 10/07/2004 21:38

I wouldn't fancy it but then dds are only 4 and 5 - too much explaining to do afterwards! And anyway, it's a rhetorical question in my case as I'm not having any more. But I don't see anything wrong with it - as long as you're sure they won't be traumatised by the event.

musica · 10/07/2004 21:55

I think if you are absolutely sure you are comfortable with it, then go for it. The only thing against it I would say, is I once saw one of those 'Discovery Health birth programmes' which had a sibling present, and as the mother screamed, the boy clapped his hand over her mouth and got really quite distressed at his mum being in pain, and his way of solving it was to stop her crying out. If I thought a child would react like that (it was obviously distressing for him and for the mother) then I really wouldn't want them there.

Hope it all goes well.

mummyintexas · 10/07/2004 22:29

I think it sounds wonderful - I'm planning on having no. 2 at home (not pg yet but trying!) and I'd love my dd to be there, or drifting in and out as you say. She's only a baby herself at the moment and I don't know how old she'll be when the time comes. I think it's the most natural thing in the world and it's 100% healthy. Perhaps you could buy/borrow a couple of videos incase your ds is a bit overwhelmed by it and wants to go and chill out for a while away from all the drama. It sounds like you've prepared them really well.
Really good luck and please tell us how it goes!

Original poster

MarmaladeSun · 11/07/2004 12:16

Bibiboo...that was a nice message about me being open with my kids. That all stems back from when I was a child and NOTHING was ever discussed with us. My Mum (bless her) used to send me down to the chemist on my bike with a note for the shop assistant for Dr White's panty pads, and when I'd ask what they were she'd say cotton wool! And I always used to sit on the floor when watching TV in front of my Mum's chair, and if anyone so much as kissed on telly she would slowly put her hands over my eyes on the pretense of playing with my hair so I couldn't see!!! Likewise if anything was being said on tv she would cover my ears. Consequently when I started my period at the age of 12/13 I knew nothing about it. I couldn't (and still can't) talk to my Mum about personal things, or things that are worrying me and I am determined that my kids will have an honest and open relationship with me. At the grand old age of 35 I was too scared to tell her I was pregnant again as it's my second marriage and she doesn't really like my DH. Mummy in Texas...the kids have loads to amuse themselves with and distract themselves; SKY tv upstairs and down, and loads of vids and DVDs. Anyway, like I said there is no telling how it will all go so we'll just wait and see.

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twiglett · 11/07/2004 12:21

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homebird11 · 11/07/2004 12:27

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Original poster

MarmaladeSun · 11/07/2004 13:56

Twiglett, of course I asked for opinions and totally accept yours, that's why I posted on here. I would never have suggested to my son that he be in the room with me, it was his request and like I said earlier he would be at the 'more pleasant end' of the proceedings if he did attend!!! I don't believe in forcing children to know facts for which they are not ready but I AM a firm believer in answering their natural curiosity about life; after all it IS life not something distasteful or disgusting. I also intend to breastfeed in front of the kids; however I know there are people who will find this distasteful too. I take your point absolutely about different cultures making childbirth a totally 'female' occassion...however, should we follow their lead then fathers would never be present at the birth of their children. What's right for one culture is not necessarily right for another.

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Original poster

MarmaladeSun · 11/07/2004 14:01

Homebird11. I think that if the child has been fully informed about what is going to happen and why, then there is every chance that they will cope, just as your friend's daughter did. When explaining to my kids about the 'pushing noises and faces (Oh God, the faces!! LOL) I got them to try and push the settee across the room. They grunted and groaned with the effort, and then fell about laughing when they got my point.

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