Siblings at the birth?

[MarmaladeSun]

Hi. I'm expecting my third baby on Saturday, and am booked for a home birth. My 2 older children are 7 and 10, and whilst the older one (a girl) is happy to play in another room while I am giving birth and come in seconds later, my younger son wants to be present when the baby actually comes into the world. He knows what birth is like as he has watched a programme on it which didn't faze him at all. I had no qualms about it at all, until I have just mentioned to my Mum that he wants to be there for the birth and her reaction was one of extreme horror. The words 'disgusting' and 'unnatural' were bandied about and I was made to feel like some kind of weirdo devo for saying he could be there. That's the whole point of me having a home birth...it's a family occasion and if the children want to be involved they can. Am I being too 'tree-huggy' or is it wrong in your opinion?

Incidentally, my Mum's opinion about the birth was entirely expected, as when I went through a horrific miscarriage last year in germany, and following 2 blood transfusions and absolute devastation, I called her to let her know. Her response? "Well, I'm delighted that you lost it. Best thing that could have happened". So I find myself totally unable to sympathise with that mindset.

MS - that's truly sickening - that she could say anything like that to you!!!

That's awful MarmaladeSun! If your mum can respond to something like that in that way then you shouldn't worry what she thinks about your plans re your impending birth...
Like you, I believe in not hiding stuff from the kids. Do people really not breastfeed in front of them? I can't see how that would be practical.

As a midwife I would like to make the point that there are many men who have attended childbirth and been so traumatised by it that their relationship with their partner has been damaged. There is now a lot of evidence that the birthing room is not the place for men to be. There is also evidence that the presence of men can actually inhibit the labour process as some women have difficulty allowing themselves to enter a primeval state ( noises etc.)
I think as a mother you may well be distracted by concerns for your son during labour. I personally do not think that a 7 year old actually has the capacity to know what they are actually are letting themselves in for when asking to be at the birth.

Only you know what is best for your own family and therefore the decision is yours. My concern is that no-one knows the potential detrimental effect it may have on your son and his future relationships. I have 2 friends whose husbands would not agree to any more children after witnessing the births of their first children.

Just wanted to add this other perspective to the posts you've had already. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Hi Mears. I take your point about hubbys at the birth, and wanted to add that I have told DH that the same applies to him. If he wants to be there when the baby's born then I will be delighted to have his support. If, however, he feels that for whatever reason he wants to be 'the other side of the door' then that is also fine as he (like the children) can come in literally seconds afterwards. I feel like people think that I have 'told' my son he has to be there; nothing could be further from the truth. I just don't feel like I want to shut the door in his face if he wants to be part of it and possibly alienate him from his new sister. If I were closer (geographically) to friends and family then I would either have someone here for the kids or send the kids there for a few hours. As it is that's impossible.

Hewlettsdaughter...yes there are still people who will not breastfeed in front of either their own children or other people, and there are still people who disapprove of a nursing mother. My own sister-in-law was once shouted down by my Dad because she kept making snide remarks about a woman in a pub garden who was feeding her baby. This poor woman was so far back in the garden she was practically in the bushes, but my SIL kept on with remarks (loud enough for the mother to hear) like "God is that really necessary?" and "Can't she go in the toilets to do that?"!!! Incidentally my SIL is a mother of 3 and always walked out of the door when I fed my other 2 (by the way I am very discreet whilst doing it). I have no intentions of making my children as closet minded as these people.

I found having my mum there was distracting enough!

She's had 2 daughters and yet she was unable to cope with my pain and I felt I couldnt cope with seeing her in distress for me, and couldn't focus on my labour,so made up an excuse to get her out. (dh instead was fantastic and I couldn't have done it without him )

I would second mears' opinion that he might not really know what he is getting himself into.

But you know him better than anyone else, so in your place I would amke sure that someone can attend toh is needs and be ready to take him out of the room and explain things if he gets in distress. As much as he know beforehand, I doubt he's prepared to see his mum in pain and might not be able to remove himself from the room.

I think it might be vital that someone can be there for him, the danger is that everyone will be focused on you, and no one will notice his feelings.

Good luck with your decision!!

Thanks everyone for your opinions. Obviously it's only me who knows how well he is coping, and I think when push (excuse the pun) comes to shove he may be too distracted by watching spiderman/batman/simpsons to be there at the crucial moment anyway! Having had this discussion you can bet I will be 2 weeks late and be induced in hospital now! LOL. Anyway, I will let you all know what happens and how it went.

MarmaladeSun - just a quickie to say, you don't have to be induced in hospital if you go that far over. Dd was born at home 14 days late. And they would have given me at least another week.

I wonder if people's views on having siblings at a birth are coloured by their own experiences of birth? ie if your first birth was a bad experience, for whatever reason, then you probably wouldn't even consider having siblings present at a subsequent birth...?

I was at the (home) birth of my sister. I got bored and went downstairs to read a book (I was 4.5). I came up just as she came out and stroked her head and she was covered in gunk - I thought it was yucky. But it seemed absolutely normal to be around when it was going on and I didn't really give it another thought. My sister and I are very close, BTW.

hewlettsdaughter. I wondered the same thing myself. Everyone is assuming that the birth will be a traumatic, bloody, screams-of-pain affair and had this been my first I would probably agree with this, as most people's experiences are based on what is seen in TV soaps etc. However, my last birth was a very serene and calm occasion; I didn't swear and actually fell asleep between contractions right up until the end. I am well aware that it doesn't necessarily follow that this one will be the same but I DO know that my pain threshold is very high, and I am a very calm person, LOL, I didn't even swear at my DH with my first 2! Enid, that's a lovely story about your sister too. That's what I envisage between my 3. Thanks.

MarmaladeSun, I have resisted the urge to post a response here for fear of being judged when I am feeling particularly vulnerable... But in the interest of helping another mother here goes: Bearing in mind that everyone is entitled to their opinion and that you did ask for advice, I hesitate to admit that I was in the same position 2 1/2 years ago. The decision was made for me when ds2 was born at 6:15 am after a four hour labour and our children woke to hear his first cry. They might have woken earlier and that would have been fine as well. There was no blood and gore; no screaming mother; and judging from the fact that both of my older children recently asked if they would be allowed to see the twins that I delivered after a 16 week miscarriage, NO TRAUMATISED child. I see birth a natural part of life and think that your son is amazing for wanting to be there and that you are a loving and kind mother to consider it an option.

I should add that I love the advice about having someone on hand that cares enough for your older children to be able talk them through any potential rough spots and to escort them out should the need arise. (We were extremely spoiled as we had our sister-in-law's little sister in this role. She is now studying to be a midwife.)
I was present at my birth of my cousin when I was 19 and the doctor who delivered him said that if he had known that I did not have a child of my own he would not have allowed me to be in the delivery room. He has since rethought his feelings on the subject as I walked into the delivery room terrified of the thought of childbirth but found the actual experience so moving and entirely different from my expectations that I walked out looking forward to having a baby of my own.

You will make the right decision for your family when the moment arises. Best of luck with your delivery whatever you choose. Please, try not to allow others to judge or influence you as only you know what is best for you and your growing family.

As if my post was not long-winded enough... My SIL had her children present at the birth of their siblings and they seem to have escaped unharmed. She now has 3 dds (12, 7,and 1)and 1 ds (5).

Canadianmom, thankyou so much for taking the time to post at what must be an incredibly hard time for you. I do take on board others' viewpoints, but I really feel that if the children want to be there they should. I should add that my 2 children are the most relaxing and calming influences I have in my life, and it would make the birth even more wonderful for me to have them there. The three of us were on our own after I divorced my first husband, and whn I remarried last year it was my son (then 6) who proudly walked me up the aisle, and my daughter who was my bridesmaid/maid of honour. We have been through thick and thin together and it just feels right that they should be part of it. Incidentally, I had a midwife appointment today and asked what she thought. Both mws there said it was the most natural thing for siblings to be present at a home birth, and had no objections whatsoever. I will add too, that I suffered a miscarriage last year, which occurred on the drive back from UK to Germany, and my children were by my side for the whole journey, and then when I was taken to hospital and waited til I came out of surgery, so you see, they really have shared every part of my life. Thankyou again.

Canadianmom - I think you are so brave posting when you are very vunerable, luv & hugs to you.

MarmaladeSun - I dont think it to be a bad thing at all, I would love my DS to be present but DH has other ideas, OK maybe not at the leg end, but up the top end with Daddy, so as soon as Baby is born and place on me, he can see his Bro or Sis, and have something to say when he is older.

I dont think it is that much bad, sometimes for kids seeing their parents get married can be a trauma.

You do what you want, it's your life.

My friend had her kids present when she gave birth to her seventh child(!) in the bath at home. She was obviously an old hand at it. I can't help feeling that perhaps it would be a too strong experience for such a young child, but others here are right in saying it's a natural part of life so why not? I am sure children were present at birth in the old days.
I certainly don't think it's disgusting like you mum says.

Not really my choice, but if you go ahead with it, please, please come back and post about how did it go and about what do you think about letting them being present at the birth and how they points of view/behaviours have changed since.

DH says that if it can traumatise a father it could traumatise a child , no, speaking seriously, I think seeing a birth is seeing a full blown act of nature which may open your eyes or simply overwhelm you specially at such a young age. I have a friend that is very open about this things with her child and eventhough I agree with her in many things, seeing her 4 yr old worried about staining herself with a menstruation (she started using toilett paper in her underware, just in case) makes me think that children may see these things as natural, which is nice, but can also get them full of unnecesary worries about things they don't fully understand (for example that this girl won't have a menstruation until she was 11-16 yrs old)

My sons were at each other's birth. But if I ever have another I shall banish them...

from the birth area that is, not from hearth and home.

LOL ScummyMummy!!!! The problem I have with the argument about if it can traumatise a husband then it could traumatise a child is that the effect on a partner is surely from a sexual viewpoint i.e he can't see his DW/P in the same light, he's seen her 'bits' differently, he sees her as a Mother not as a lover etc...but children only know their mother as their mother and that is what she is continuing to be in childbirth. As for the subject of the little girl and periods, that is very very sad that she is preoccupied with it at the age of 4. I answered both the children's questions on the subject in as simple a form as possible when they asked. I did not give them any more info than they needed, and now they just accept it as being no more than a natural occurrence in a girl/woman's life. However, I must point out that I have not had the birds and bees talk with them. They don't know an awful lot about sex, and haven't questioned it so they obviously don't need to know. I think that THAT would be info overload at the moment. My own feelings are that if the time is taken to explain things properly, and without drama, then children will accept it unquestionably. It is sometimes us adults who, sadly, have become cynical and wary of life's experiences. (I sound like a real hippy now don't I? LOL)