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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Getting married at 35 weeks - the debate to change name for the baby...

64 replies

Jellybabie3 · 02/06/2017 11:58

So i have been forever adamant about not to change my surname (albeit a wedding was not planned). Now we have planned to get married when i am 35 weeks preg and first question from soon to be in laws is about changing name for our baby....i am in a pickle as my gut says i dont want to..partner is happy either way but notes 'it would be easier'. Any thoughts please?

OP posts:

Plantpot83 · 03/06/2017 10:27

DD has DH surname and my surname as a middle name. I would like to have the same name as her but I didn't feel strongly enough about it to give up my name when we married (after she was born). I think that people get overly hung up on the issue, that said I haven't travelled abroad alone with her

Original poster

Jellybabie3 · 03/06/2017 11:21

Yeah it does strike me as abit old fashioned to get too caught up on it. I will talk it over with DHtb. At the end of the day its me it effects most! Sounds daft but i feel like i would lose part of my identity giving up my surname and family history that goes with it. As much as i love my new in law family i dont feel like i am one of them if you get what i mean. Weve been together for ages (15+ years) and i have told in laws from day one as such that it is not what i wanted and they seemed ok with it but having a baby means its all been brought into question again. Just even in my own wider family there are plenty of us with different surnames/dads/siblings etc so i dont personally see the issue. Its just new times i guess. The point of the marriage was to secure DS a little more and the fact we had put it off for far too long already!!

OP posts:

squoosh · 03/06/2017 11:24

Sounds daft but i feel like i would lose part of my identity giving up my surname and family history that goes with it

It does not sound one bit daft! It is only women who are made to feel guilty about not changing their names. That tells you all you need to know.

namechange20050 · 03/06/2017 11:30

It's not daft at all! Totally understandable way to feel. I kept my name, my son has both our surnames double barrelled. It's caused no problems with travelling or anything else. It does piss my MIL off but I don't care!

Oddsocksforeveryone · 03/06/2017 11:43

Just wanted to post with regards to the worry of double barrelling being too long/complicated.
My 2 ds's have double barrelled names, their dad's is German and a bit complicated. So their surname is like Socks-Glühbirne for example.
Others have trouble with it sometimes but the boys have never struggled, even when learning to spell it.

SuperBeagle · 03/06/2017 11:45

I'm married (married pre-kids) and all four of my kids have my surname. My husband's surname doesn't feature at all.

It's never been an issue and it never bothered him.

SeatOfMyPants · 03/06/2017 13:28

Same as above poster - DS has my surname. Never a problem and DH never bothered (we are married). The in laws were a bit sore about it at first, because they assumed we'd use DH's surname (we weren't married at that point) but I don't think particularly care now.
The only annoying thing is people calling me/writing to me as 'Mrs Maiden Name', which I'm not....but hey. Never had a problem with travel etc

AvoidingCallenetics · 03/06/2017 13:36

I would choose the nicest name out of the two for the baby. If they are much of a much, I would choose the name of the primary carer, the parent who is most likely to travel alone with the child or be taking them to the drs or school.

Hazandduck · 04/06/2017 00:11

@Anotheremma ah I didn't realise that! I think that sounds fair :)

Hazandduck · 04/06/2017 00:14

A friend of mine got married a couple of years ago, they had one child together and friend had a son from a previous relationship with her surname. Her husband took her surname when they married. I think it's becoming more common these days x

Original poster

Jellybabie3 · 04/07/2017 15:35

Just as an update i think we are opting for double barrel for little one and us both keeping our own names....refusing to tell MIL anything til after the wedding though. Doing my head in asking as it is. Apparently he will get bullied or confused why i wasnt prepared to change my name.....aargh. Its gonna be a but of a mouthful of a name but if he wants to drop one of the names in the future then thats up to him. Sigh. Families are great until they are a nightmare.

OP posts:

lookatthemoon · 05/07/2017 11:54

I kept my name, gave DS double barreled surname (so it appears on passport - I travel on my own a lot with him). However for day to day purposes (creche/doctor etc) we just use DH's surname. Works well and he officially has my name but isn't lumbered with a really long name for most purposes.

kikibo · 05/07/2017 13:46

In Belgium and France, women always keep their maiden names. I've never understood why you should change it (my in-laws asked that too and found it weird I kept mine), you're not your husband's property and if you divorce (which is a real chance these days), it doesn't make things easier at all.
Any children in these countries automatically get the father's name, unless you opt for double-barrel (at least in Belgium).

Double-barrelling in our case would also be terrible because both our surnames are spelled illogically, so that's not an option either. So our child will just have her father's surname, I have no problem with that. And as to kidnapping: I suppose aunts can kidnap their nieces and nephews (from their brothers), because they've got the same name?

In Spain you get father's surname-mother's surname and when you marry and get a child, your name gets split and the child gets father's father's surname-mother's father's surname. I always have to smile when I hear feminists touting the Spanish system as 'more equal', because essentially you get the same as anywhere else, only with a generation's delay.

Just keep yours if you want to.

tuxedocat · 05/07/2017 13:56

It's your name! I've double barrelled mine as I didn't want to lose my surname, I've had it all my life and I wouldn't feel like me if I had a brand new surname! We are expecting a DS later this year who will take DH surname and I'm happy to have a slightly different surname. It will be obvious he is my son due to the double barrell and I feel happy enough with my surname (still need to change everything tho! )

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