Getting married at 35 weeks - the debate to change name for the baby...

[Jellybabie3]

So i have been forever adamant about not to change my surname (albeit a wedding was not planned). Now we have planned to get married when i am 35 weeks preg and first question from soon to be in laws is about changing name for our baby....i am in a pickle as my gut says i dont want to..partner is happy either way but notes 'it would be easier'. Any thoughts please?

DC have different surname, no problems, ever.

Travelling: simple solution- ask passport office to include ,in the notes section of passport, the family relationships. I used to have "the holder is married to His name, mother to DC name". Its free. Obviously you have to supply the certificate as evidence.

I changed mine. DH didn't mind either way but I liked us all being the same. I had a very common surname and no real love for it tbh.

That said, you do what is right for you and your family - it is really very common now for families to have all sorts of surnames under one roof and only the very old fashioned think anything is wrong with that. It comes from the days where only the "promiscuous" had mixed surnames.

As was said before, you might find that you are correcting people as necessary (which I think is becoming less of an issue), but otherwise, who cares :)

Best of luck with the wedding and baby.

Gah, annoys me when people assume that parents with different surnames will give their children the father's surname. It sounds as if that's what you've decided to do, but it's not mandatory - you could give the baby your surname. Or both surnames. Or blend the surnames together to create a new one.

And if you want to keep your name, keep it. There won't be an issue with having a different surname from your child if that's what you decide.

Just give the baby your surname. That's what I did as we didn't want to double barrel (I'm married with my own surname still and DH has his own surname still)

DO NOT give your son the message that the dad's surname is the default winner. It totally belittles your role as mother. We had a LOT of discussion before agreeing on using my surname - it definitely wasn't done just as a default.

Why have you already decided your DS gets his dad's surname?

I kept my name for all purposes, DD has my surname as a middle name and DH's name as a surname -DH is primary carer so it's easier for them to share a surname. If we'd shared the day to day care more equally I'd have gone for my name, which is more interesting.

DD has known since she was 4 that she and her dad have one name and I have another, and that DH and I are married. It's only confusing for the children of the adults make it so.

Travelling: simple solution- ask passport office to include ,in the notes section of passport, the family relationships. I used to have "the holder is married to His name, mother to DC name". Its free. Obviously you have to supply the certificate as evidence.

I had no idea you could do that!

I have a different surname to DS. I was never married to his dad and we've since separated. It's never, ever been an issue. When either of us travels with DS we take a letter from the other parent saying they are aware the DS is leaving the country etc but I've never had to show it, although I've only ever travelled within Europe.
I do sometimes get called "Mrs DSlastname" but I either let it go if not important or correct if it is. Doesn't bother me at all!
OP, do whatever you want to do, please don't let anyone nag you into doing it for "ease".

The best system I have seen was a couple who both changed their names to a double-barrel of both names I.e they both became Smith-Jones. It followed that the children then became Smith-Jones too and everyone has the same name

Unless, like dp and I, you both have complicated four syllable, long surnames! Mine alone is foreign in origin, with silent consonants.

Life is too short to be spelling out our double barrelled surname, every time.

Women who take their husband's names, don't you realise how hard it is to stalk old schoolmates on FB? So fucking selfish.

Is the icelanders who do mumsnamedottir for daughters and dadsnamesun for boys. I rather like that.

If he thinks it's easier then he can take your name and you give the baby your name.
Alternatively both keep your own names and give the baby double barrel.

Keep your name. Give your children both of your surnames.

Keep your name. The child gets both surnames. This is what we did.

I think hybrid names are the way to go. E.g. Smith + Johnson = Smithson or Jonith. This would silence the 'must have the same name' gang and the quadruple-barrel wailers in one go.

Plenty of cultures have different names between married couples and even between children. It's really up to the family themselves what they feel most comfortable with.

With regards to double-barrel names in the future. Again that depends on that couple. They might decide to choose one or neither of the names. They might do what plenty of others do and choose one of the names for every day use. So I might be called Ms Singleton-McEntire-De Pimple-Wansbeck but just go by Ms Wansbeck at the hairdressers.

Viques yes. That's why magnus magnusson was called magnus magnusson

Dh2B says 'it will be easier' and he wants you to all be the same.

Meaning he won't have to have his parents commenting and it massages his ego

Changing your name is a pain in the arse.

Loads of kids have different surname to one parent. SO?

Thanks all. I think my surname as a middle name might work. Else its going to be a very long complicated double barrel! Im pleased its not such an alien concept for me not to want to change just like that.

Or your DH's name as a middle name.

Ah jelly it's a tricky decision especially with in-laws adding pressure.
My OH has his mum's surname as his parents aren't married, but they've been together for 30 years. I thought that was quite forward-thinking of her in the 80s, when she probably had pressure from others to use the father's name. She has always made me feel like I can do what I want when it comes to naming our children, I think she appreciates that the mother does all the physical work in growing a baby and getting it out at the end :)

Good luck for your wedding and birth. I would say follow your gut instincts, if you want your name included, go for it!

"My OH has his mum's surname as his parents aren't married, but they've been together for 30 years. I thought that was quite forward-thinking of her in the 80s, when she probably had pressure from others to use the father's name."

Actually the children of unmarried parents were always given their mother's surname, so that's actually more "traditional" and could explain why there was less pressure, maybe? I don't know when the expectation shifted to children of unmarried parents having the father's surname.

I always think it's a bit rich for a man who isn't married (and perhaps doesn't want to be) to nonetheless expect children to have his surname without even considering or discussing other options. "Tradition" when it suits him but not when it doesn't!

My mum didn't change her name and I NEVER understood people who found it hard that mum and I had different names as a child. I thought they were all VERY dumb. It's much more common place now and I definitely wouldn't change my name.

Haha yes I knew I wouldn't be the first to have thought about quadruple barrel names. To be fair to me, I did do a search and it came up with about 4 threads, not dozens.