Fear of another miscarriage

[Hazandduck]

Hello,

I've had two miscarriages before, both were at 10+3 back to back last year. In February we tried again and I fell pregnant. It has been a fraught few months, but my anxiety is getting worse.

I had a scan at 10+6 and saw baby measuring 10+5, it was amazing and we were ecstatic. But the doctor scanning said it can still go wrong and I've been pretty negative to be honest. My OH doesnt know what to do with me. I don't know what to do with me!
I have worn a pad for every day of this pregnancy and honestly shine my torch on the toilet paper after I wipe to check for spotting or anything! I've had constant stomach aches and back ache, not cramping as such, just general discomfort. Sometimes it has been so bad I've been convinced I'm miscarrying but it's never come to anything.
My fear of jinxing this pregnancy meant I didn't book in with the midwife til almost 12 weeks so now my first official 12 week scan isn't until Monday when I should be 14 weeks. I am so terrified.
A couple of times when scrutinising the toilet paper I have seen what looks like a pinprick of red. It's so tiny I would never normally notice it. I'm just so scared of a third miscarriage. I don't even know why I'm posting this! Sorry for my ramble I'm such a wreck I just had to leave work after I found a pinprick of red on the toilet roll after a wee! Feel like I am going insane.
Can anyone relate to my madness? Do you think it will be ok? I know you can't ever tell me that so I shouldn't ask I'm just so incredibly down and worried.

I was exactly the same after 2 miscarriages in a row. If I went to the toilet at night I'd turn the light on so I could scrutinise the paper, and I'd go to the loo every hour in the day just to 'check'! I also saw a pinprick of blood once, but I'm 34 weeks now. There isn't much I can say to help you, but I've been there, it's shit, I really think looking back from a slightly calmer place now that I had ptsd. It might be worth seeing if you can speak to your GP or someone at the scan and letting them know just how badly you're suffering.

No one can tell you things will definitely be okay, but I'll leave this here with you so that you can see for yourself just how much the odds are in your favour (from the miscarriage association web site). Good luck -

Research amongst women with a history of recurrent miscarriage has shown that those who saw a heartbeat at 6 weeks of pregnancy had a 78% chance of the pregnancy continuing. It also showed that seeing a heartbeat at 8 weeks increased the chance of a continuing pregnancy to 98% and at 10 weeks that went up to 99.4%.

You're not the only one. I'm with you and also peer frantically at the loo rool. I'm only 4.4 weeks though so i have a ways to go :(

My GP has been amazing and has advised me to get a hobby! We get scanned at 7 weeks but I may get a 5 week scan next week.

Keep the faith. I'm with you xx

Thank you so much everyone for your thoughtful replies. I'm so sorry you've all been through loss and this torture! It really is so difficult.
Jingle that statistic is amazing, I had no idea the chances were so high after the heartbeat is seen at 10 weeks. I wonder if I have had PTSD too, I get flashbacks sometimes of my first miscarriage (lost a lot of blood in hospital) and also of the internal scans afterwards when I was an absolute wreck. I'm definitely not the same person I was last year. It feels like I won't be until I have a baby, which is mental. I've been ok being me all these years, yet now I feel so incomplete and inadequate without a healthy child. It is really comforting to hear you are now 34 weeks, congratulations.

Utteridiot I'm sorry but glad that you can relate, I am on that board too and it is a wonderful comfort isn't it? I just sometimes worry I will sound too negative if I post too much about my anxiety. I really hope your next scan goes well!

CL thank you, it is so hard. I hope the weeks fly by for you. I do agree with your GP, distractions really help. I set myself a reading challenge to read 50 books in a year when I found out I was pregnant so I could have a separate goal to focus on and keep me preoccupied. It has helped to stop me googling or overthinking too much but it is still immensely hard.

All of your replies have really comforted me, thank you xx

@Hazandduck I'm so sad to see you starting a thread because you are worried and thought I would pop by to give you a hand hold.

I had an early 10 week scan and the sonographer told me that once you have seen a heart beat at this stage the odds are hugely in your favour.

I felt reassured the for about 2 days. I feel a bit better now I have had the 12 week scan. I still worry about every twinge and change of symptom.

I understand how you feel though. Please be kind to yourself. I downloaded an app called mind the bump which helps my anxiety. Maybe that could help you too?

Here with you OP . You are exactly how I am just now. Bloody awful isn't it?

Nobody can blame you for not feeling yourself, im telling myself it's normal to over analyse every single thing.

Second a PP, downloading some calming apps could prove very helpful!

Haz

Let me tell you about my day.

Today I've woken up having a second day of feeling heavy "down there" like I'm honestly away to have a period.

Spoke to Maternity and advised to go to A&E as 17weeks.

Triaged to Gynae in one hour.

Three hours later I'm seen. Poked, swabbed, Dopplered (yes heartbeat) and then away. All within 30 mins.

And I cried on leaving. Why? Because I'm so fecked in the head with all this fear generated by the miscarriage that not actually seeing baby means I'm still fretting.

You can't be as bad as me, I've deleted an entire day and yes, the outcome of hearing the hb is a relief but not seeing the baby? I'm still scared.

This may or may not help you but you're not alone. Pregnancy after miscarriage drives you bonkers. Fact.

Xxxxxxx

Oh legend your day sounds so tough. I know the exact heaviness you describe and it is so frightening. I think the fear is worsened because the only experience you have is of pregnancies that have failed so you don't know how a healthy pregnancy is supposed to feel!

Sock thank you, I have been dreadful today with anxiety. OH actually came home and has 'worked' from home (sat on the sofa with me) because I was so upset. He keeps asking what he can do and I know he feels helpless but there is nothing he can do. I feel so bad for him, too.

Breakingbad sorry you are suffering too. It's awful! I feel so envious of people who never know the horrible side of pregnancy and just have healthy pregnancies when they want them...I know those feelings are futile and don't get me any where but I can't help it.

I am going to look at some calming apps right now, thank you! I may also try and get in to my GP tomorrow to see if they can do anything for my anxiety. I was on medication before getting pregnant and I wonder if that has also had an impact xxx

I read something recently that said a study showed 45% of women who miscarried showed signs of ptsd. I thought maybe I was just being over dramatic feeling that way but it seems to be a common and very real thing.

I'm lucky enough to have a ds already, but even so felt like you that I needed to be pregnant again to heal from the miscarriage - even now I'm not quite the same, I'm not in my little bubble where bad things only happen to other people but I am starting to be able to be rational about it all. Definitely worth seeking some help if you feel up to it.

Sorry that so many others are feeling the same, it really wish no one had to feel that way - good luck to all of you x

And yes op, odds are very good after a heartbeat at 10 weeks! I was still a nervous wreck even after the 12 week scan but trying to focus on the stats and facts did help a little.

I can completely relate. I've had two mc and the fear and sense of loss never really leave you. I had to have IVF this year and am currently 16+3 and I am still knicker checking. I am convinced this pregnancy will end at some point. First I thought I would miscarry, then I was terrified there would be no heartbeat at the 12 scan or they would see an abnormality and now I'm petrified of my 20 week scan because I'm convinced they'll see a heart or brain defect. I am mentally torturing myself and can't see the end in sight. The whole PTSD thing doesn't surprise me at all given how I'm feeling. Sending love your way x

Thank you jingle, pregnancy loss is incredibly hard no matter whether you have children or not. I'm sorry you went through it. That's a shocking stat about PTSD, but really it is such a traumatic thing physically to go through (my second one wasn't as bad but was more emotional) that when my mum said hers were just like a heavy period I couldn't believe she had really had a miscarriage because mine was so different. She had hers between children about thirty years ago, but the fact she still talks about it does suggest the psychological implications never left her and she downplays it a bit.

I am going to speak to my GP. My work have paid for me to see a therapist because it has had an impact on me as a person and has reflected in my work, so I've been seeing a nice lady for a while, but I still feel traumatised by it and I think my OH has been more affected than he lets on. Thank you for your kind words. Xx

Rainbowchasing I love your name 🌈 it is perfect. So nice to read that your pregnancy is going ok, it's so sad that miscarriage robs you of that innocent happiness most women have in pregnancy, I hope when you start to feel movements it will help reassure you a little but I keep setting myself little goals when I tell myself I'll relax and start enjoying it and so far each stage has made me worse because I know how much more upset I will be if I miscarry now. Sending support right back at you. Xx

I really appreciate everyone that has taken the time to reply, mumsnet has been an absolute godsend during some of the bleakest times of my life (I know that sounds dramatic but it's true.) xxx

Pregnancy after miscarriage is a massive struggle. I miscarroed when I thought I should have been 10 weeks last year but started bleeding and scan showed baby measured 4 weeks.

Currently 40+4 weeks and still struggle to accept a baby will be here soon! But I have spoken to the consultants and midwives about my anxiety all the way through and they have been great.

Just take each day one at a time and each milestone as a positive!

@jinglebell glad to hear everything is going well.

Thanks McBaby I actually think I remember your name from a thread last year after I miscarried, I'm so happy it has worked out for you now! Not long to go until you have your baby in your arms, congratulations. I am going to try and speak to my GP about my anxiety and see if there is anything they can do xx

There is a antenatal mental health team the midwife should be able to refer you. Good luck.

@Hazandduck I can completely sympathise with how you are feeling. I've had an early miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy in the last 12 months. Now 5+5 and absolutely terrified I'm either going to miscarry or have another ectopic. I am having a scan at the EPU on Monday (due to the ectopic which wasn't discovered until 10.3 weeks) so hopefully that will provide some reassurance.

Well done for getting to 10+ weeks and having a successful scan. Nothing I can say to make you feel better or make the worry go away, but you're not alone (as all the previous posters on this thread proves) so do continue to talk about it and hopefully we can all make each other feel better!

Hi I'm in the same boat. After 7 miscarriages all around 6-7 weeks m. I have been put on clexaine. I'm petrified of going to the the toilet!!! I've got a scan a week on Monday to see if everything's ok. I'm hoping and praying it is all ok!!! Think that when you have experienced this it is always on your mind!! Maybe ask about clexaine. Xx

Thank you used and ruth for your kind words, and I'm so sorry for your losses. I think it takes a certain kind of resilience to keep trying when you've suffered so much! I feel terrified every time I go to the toilet. I think I saw another little dot of orange last night but then I start to wonder if my eyes are playing tricks on my because I spend so long analysing the toilet paper! I also wonder if I am wiping so much I am actually causing little cuts or a little bleeding. God this is torture! Whatever happens, by Monday afternoon I will know! Thank you for your support, if you need to vent I am here too, I understand the torture! Xx

I deffo think you should speak to them about clexaine! The success rate it 80% for people who have suffered MC before and get put on the clexaine. Good luck on man day. I will be thinking of you and have everything crossed for you. Xx

I am now bleeding so think I'm out. Will have scan at EPU on Monday which will confirm things, not holding out much hope now.

Good luck to all you ladies on this thread

Used try and stay positive!! Don't do anything this weekend just rest. Thinking of you xx

Used I'm sorry you're bleeding, fingers crossed it stops and was just one of those things. Let me know how it goes on Monday, I second what Ruth says, rest this weekend. That's what I intend to do.

Ruth what is clexaine? I was told until I have 3 MCs I won't get any tests/meds etc but I have wondered if going private would help Xx

It is a blood thinner help with blood clots and implantation. I no people that have only had one mc and been put on it. I was never offered it until I had tests. I have also been told to take 25mg of aspirin too. There are 2 types of the blood thinner clexaine and fragmin. Won't do any harm to ask. I no about 10 people that have been put on it and have had successful pregnancies xx

@mcbaby so glad everything has gone well for you! Good luck with the birth.

used I'm so sorry you're bleeding. I hope it's not what you think, statistically more bleeds in early pregnancy go on to be normal pregnancies than miscarriages, but I know it will be near imposible for you not to think the worst, I'd be the same. Thinking of you.

haz good luck for Monday, I hope you're okay and the stress isn't getting to you too much whilst you're waiting.