Mothers point if view of what your partner can do during labour.

[Firstimefreaked]

I get the birthing class thing of support breathing etc, but what personal advice do you ladies have for a father to be during labor, he's a bit worried and wants to feel useful. During the labor I highly doubt I'll be coddling him but I don't fancy directing him either so any tips I can give him now would be appreciated x thanks guys.

Dont be a d!ck. Dont read the paper, whilst the person is in labour screaming and dont whine about your sore toe, how tired you are etc. Have some compassion! I asked my DH for a back rub and he said couldn't because he had sore wrists FFS.

Firstimefreaked not read all the comments but here is my take on it.

The husband/partner/birthing partner is there to support you, the woman in labour.

In order to this he needs to be in tip top condition so no late nights or coming in hung over - this is the biggest gig of his life, no pressure there, but it is an even bigger gig for you!

He needs to know your birthing plan and how you ideally want things to go but he also needs to know what you would like to consider if you don't just sneeze and the baby pops out!

He needs to help you compile a long list of items to bring in, which will most likely not get used at all, and to cart all the items home again afterwards.

He needs to cheer you on when you nearly break his fingers or if you poop or swear or do both!

One of his most important duties is to ensure he never re-tells the story of his son or daughter's birth with himself in the staring role, he must always remember you are the queen and he a humble worker bee.

XXXXX

I think that your birthing partner needs to be one step ahead of you.
I was like "hold my hand " "no don't touch me"
"Go away... no no come back... stand there... no here"
" I want water... no I'm not thirsty"
" I need to stand up" this wasn't smart I had an epidural... I turned to lead and hit the deck he should have said no!! I had no idea what I wanted! But wanted it all and he did not moan or laugh.

During dc1 labour DH was amazing. I thought he would completely crumble normally as a rule I'm the one to make tough decisions and keep everyone calm but he completely stepped up. Pushed for the orthodontist when he saw I was struggling, my notes said just had and air but he managed to read me like a book and really fought my corner. When it got to the pushing stage he had babies clothes out and ready along with a hat, had a huge glass of orange juice waiting for me and the worlds biggest hug for when dc arrived. Held the gas and air for me so all I had to do was breath on if I needed it, called the midwife when he noticed I was looking unusual red and flustered which they immediately out was infection. Pushed for admittance the day before dc was born because I just couldn't cope at home.

He was just amazing. Read every situation and really had my back. Allowed me to relax' as I knew he had it under control

Supply himself with painkillers, drinks etc. Mine had a stinking headache for many hrs with dehydration/ sleep deprivation etc and MWs couldn't give him anything for it. He didn't mention it to me at the time and obviously I had it worse, but people are more use healthy than with a stinking migraine , and he had to drive home afterwards.

Just be there !
Mine nipped out of the birthing suite to make a business call (oh yes) and for those 5 minutes I though I would die.
He is an engineer and found all the monitoring equipment really exciting.
He talked me through all the contractions, walked with me to the loo, passed me the gas and air, and most importantly held the babies while I had a post delivery snack and cup of tea.
Good luck.

We arrived in the labour suit after 2 day induction and I was getting hooked up to the drip. He gave a massive yawn so I suggested he try and get some kip as the midwife said it could take 8 hours or so and he'd been with me the whole time since the induction started...so he curled up in the corner and promptly zonked out for a couple of hours while I groaned and moo'd my way through increasingly rapid and painful contractions. That was fine by me though...like Winky, I was happy to do it alone and kind of went into myself to cope with the pain.

Once I got near transition (only a couple of hours later), he was refreshed after his nap so that was good, However, every time he touched me he'd set off a contraction so I I had to keep telling him to GET OFF!! lol...I am sure it was just coincidence but I think he was starting to get a bit paranoid!

He was most useful having energy when I did not, keeping me positive and staying out to the way of the 'business end' as I instructed him to do. He was good for passing me things when I asked for them and chasing midwives when they disappeared on their coffee break just as I was entering transition

He was also brilliant after the birth and sat and did skin to skin with DD for ages while I was getting stitched up (which seemed to take forever!). Couldn't have done it without him although I'm sure if you asked him, he would say he felt like a bit of a spare part for most of it. I'd envisaged lots of cuddling, back rubbing and hand holding...in reality I didn't want that at all so you never really know until you get there. Tell him to be prepared for the unexpected!

Massages.
Take first picture of you and baby.
Remind you to have food and drink
Chase up the staff if needed.
Do not get distracted answering calls from your mother while you need a massage.

ExH was only good for the first two.

Mine actually spotted I was having contractions before I did. We were in bed, having a nap after work, with his hand on my middle and I felt a pop and jumped out of bed guessing correctly that my waters had broken and I was very worried that it has happened before I was having any contractions. He seemed surprised and said I was definitely having contractions and he could feel them but thought they were strong Braxton Hicks ones. As soon as he mentioned it, I could feel them too and felt better about it.

He was great for company during the early stages, walked round with me, distracted me when contractions were painful and made sure I drank plenty and had food if I wanted it. He timed the contractions and told me how they were changing and also cleaned up the mess from the waters breaking then got everything ready in the car so we could go to bed until the contractions were close together and then leave for the MLU as soon as I was ready.

After 24 hours, I had to move to the hospital section to be augmented with a drip, which I hated due to needle phobia and the midwives there were quite traditional in outlook and wanted me to have an epidural and lie still on the bed with my legs up. He knew that would be the last thing I wanted and fought my corner to ensure that I was able to stand, kneel or lean over the back of the bed for the rest of the labour and also insisted they stopped pushing for me to have an epidural as even the thought of it upset me. He kept sticking my TENS pads back on when I started sweating them off to stop me getting a shock. I know they aren't supposed to be useful in the last stages but I still found mine helpful until I went off to have my placenta removed.

His encouragement near the end was the main thing I remember though: "You're nearly there!" "That's great, you're doing so well. Just one more push might do it!" "Come on, just one more and then you can rest". I'm sure he was exaggerating most of the time but it was what I needed to hear at the time; I really couldn't think beyond the next push.

In retrospect I would have preferred mine to be at home resting and sorting some meals out for most of labour, and then to come in right at the end to be there for the actual emergency C-section (in my case). His main job was being supportive after the birth, not before, and it wasn't much good him already being tired.

My labour was quick (2 hours total) and I didn't have time for any pain relief etc. I basically just had to crack on with everything but didn't really know if I was in the park or the pictures so my DH was the one who kept a level head for me!

He recognised that I was in advanced stages of labour at home and insisted he was taking me to hospital when MW on phone were insisting I couldn't possibly be that far along as it 'doesn't happen that quickly with your first'! In labour he basically reiterated what the MW's were saying (pant, push now etc) and he rubbed my back and stroked my hair! Quite simple things but they got me through - I think I was in a bit of shock as it all progressed so quickly but I was so grateful that one of us knew what was going on! Afterwards, he really helped with getting baby to latch when I was struggling as he'd paid a lot of attention to that part at the NCT classes and I truly believe he is responsible for my success with breastfeeding as we were sent home same day and although the MW were good, they had very little time to really help establish BF before we were sent home!

Every labour is different and it's hard to
Know what role your DH can have until you're there but just being supportive and able to keep his head during labour is worth a lot! And also being prepared with snacks and drinks afterwards - I was starving and DH fed me flapjacks and cartons of apple juice! It's the little things...!

Don't, whatever you do, let your DH near the bed control. Mine spent much of my labour pretending he was Homer Simpson, saying 'Bed goes up, bed goes down' while pressing the buttons. He only stopped when I completely lost the plot with him. Apparently he was trying to be funny!

He did try to be supportive, I think it was very difficult for him, as most of the time I didn't know what I wanted, so it was hard for him to second guess. In the end, the midwife gave him a control panel, and told him to turn the dial up every time I had a contraction. It kept him occupied for most of the 'pushing', and the midwife confided to me afterwards that it wasn't actually attached to anything!

Bringing you water, holding your hand, running for midwives, giving vomiting tray if you're sick - just being there for you and doing whatever needed under the circumstances. Taking early photos - mine took after an emergency c section in the theatre. Warn him - at some stage you may get really tense and angry - that's normal. He needs to be ready to take it! And not personally. This was a huge point for partners in our antenatal class.

My husband was useless first time round lol. He had no clue what to do and tbh there was nothing he could have done. He attempted he run my back but I didn't want to be touch.
2nd time round I just needed him. Not for anything in particular - just wanted him there to hold my hand and grab the sick bowel lol.

Make sure he knows the plan of action you wish for if things don't quite go to plan.
Besides that just tell him to go along with everything and he will be great!

For me, where my OH was most needed was on the postnatal ward after the birth. He was able to insist I got pain relief when I needed it, made sure I got food and water, made sure DD and I were seen by the doctors/breastfeeding counsellors.

Although he was perfectly lovely during the birth itself and did try to be helpful, I'm not sure there's much he could usefully have done to be honest.

Oh and yes to whoever said NOT trying to "coach" you through the birth. I watched some TV programme where the father was stood by the bed yelling "push!!!" in the woman's face. I think it was supposed to be motivating but if my DH had done that I would have smacked him.

Tell him it's not funny to note down all the batshit crazy gas and air warblings

As a midwife I can guarantee there is lots your husband can do.
Read up on massage in labour: many women love pressure over the sacrum/coccyx area. He can also make sure you are hydrated and pass you sips of water, he knows you better than anyone & can tell your midwife when he thinks that you are not OK, he can help you stay calm and be your trusted familiar person. Also go through your hopes & likes in labour and he can be your voice when you are too tired/to far into labour to talk or communicate effectively.
The best husbands I encounter are hands on, passing drinks, massaging, holding Entonox tubes, helping women move around, helping them walk to the toilet & speaking words of love & encouragement. The worst are the ones sitting in a corner, reading the paper or playing games on their phone or even complaining they are tired/bored/how long,...

Advocate for me when I am unable to speak for myself.

I had an unfortunate reaction to diamorphine and was very impressively sick any time I had to move at all (even just my eyes). DH was amazing with a sick bucket. I gave him about 5 seconds notice each time and he didn't spill a drop! Even up to several hours after DS was born when we were both falling asleep mid-sentence from exhaustion.

After everything I went through (long induced labour and emcs) it was nice not to smell of sick at the end of it.

My husband just held my hand and encouraged me.
I didn't need my face wiping or anything like that.
He mainly helped me when I was on the birth ball, and in the pool. Also he helped me with my tens machine.
Due to my long 4 day labour, I was exhausted and we agreed he could make decisions on my behalf if I wasn't able. So he did that as well.
Also the midwife asked him if he would like to cut the cord (which wasn't something we'd planned). He did that which made him feel very involved.
Also I needed stitches, so he got to hold the baby while the midwife did that.
It's hard to say until it's here, as no one can be 100% sure exactly what will happen