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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Mothers point if view of what your partner can do during labour.

72 replies

Firstimefreaked · 05/05/2017 22:25

I get the birthing class thing of support breathing etc, but what personal advice do you ladies have for a father to be during labor, he's a bit worried and wants to feel useful. During the labor I highly doubt I'll be coddling him but I don't fancy directing him either so any tips I can give him now would be appreciated x thanks guys.

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April229 · 07/05/2017 00:04

Simple to be your 100% advocate for anything you need, from rub you back to call th mw in, insist on pain relief if you can't make a fuss about it. Basically do everything that you only half ask for during that time and understanding that even something small can be very important.

ineedbanoffee · 07/05/2017 08:28

My DH was amazing throughout all three of my births. I know he felt a bit useless, but he wasn't - I don't like being touched/rubbed/'helped' when I am in labour - I just want to get on with it - and he quickly got that message but was there when I wanted to stand up for contractions and pull down on something. His hand was there for squeezing at all times and he never complained even when I dug my nails right in. He got me anything I needed, fetched a midwife during my second labour when it all suddenly ramped right up with no warning (10 hours labouring away and not getting past 2cm, then a sweep, off went the midwife thinking nothing was going on, and when she came back 30 mins later I was 10cm and in transition). Took everything I said seriously, listened to what I said I needed and got it for me, and was just generally in my corner. Him just being there was enough and gave me the strength to keep going. He didn't have to 'do' anything as such.

Also his big tip for dads: wear shorts to the hospital. Hospitals are hot.

Good luck!

Lolabee · 07/05/2017 08:32

I'll be amazed if mine manages to stay in the room Smile
I will have to mentally prepare myself for him to not be able to "cope" Confused

gregoriesgirl · 07/05/2017 08:36

Use a condom? oh wait, maybe not

Uberfluffs · 07/05/2017 08:44

As others have said - he needs to be on your side, be calm, advocate for you. Not take it to heart when you swear at him (During labour with DS1 he kept telling me to breathe when I was pushing and got short shrift).

If you have to labour for a long time, your brain will be fried and he'll need to be 'you' for you.

Also, he needs to come back quickly afterwards. I was stuck in hospital after my first and they put me in a side room (as a 'low risk' patient) but forgot about me. When DH eventually came (with sandwiches) we just left, but there wasn't even anyone to tell. Good thing we were both healthy!

DoubleCarrick · 07/05/2017 08:46

DH didn't due much during labour if I recall. He spent lots of time fiddling with the temperature of the pool until I told him to 'pack it in'. There's a really awesome picture of DH sat by me resting his chin on his hands looking thoroughly bored!

I thought I'd want him touching and stroking me but in reality I just wanted to be left alone. During the 'pushing' stage I rested my head on his hand and wouldn't let him move Grin

He made flapjacks the morning I was in early labour and put up the birth pool. Made lots of cups of tea for the midwives

annandale · 07/05/2017 08:49

Essentially, stay still and pay attention. Really close attention.

Don't suddenly channel some movie birth scene and start 'coaching'. Tune closely in to your partner and listen out for mutters/shouts/screams. Don't panic, stay on the scene.

If worried about coping, be honest with your partner and discuss whether someone else would be better as a birth partner. IMO being there isn't and shouldn't be compulsory.

viktoria · 07/05/2017 08:57

What helped me most was that every time a contraction started, DH started counting back from 100. It meant that I didn't feel panicked/"lost at sea"during my contractions. After a few I knew how long the contractions lasted and could concentrate on hearing him counting rather than concentrating on the pain.

ChevalierTialys · 07/05/2017 08:58

My DP:
-Rubbed my back through every contraction, all night long.
-Had my water bottle handy for when I needed a drink.
-Held the sick tray for me when the gas and air made me vomit.
-Refused to allow pethidine when the midwives wanted to give it because I'd been adamant I didn't want it.
-Made sure I got my HG meds among all the other things that were happening
-Held me still through contractions while the epidural was being put in.
-Cuddled me while I sobbed at 5am because after a night of horrendous contractions we were then told I was still only 1.5cm.
-Used baby wipes to help me have a 'wash' (we'd been at it 24 hrs by then.
-Gave consent for the EMCS
-When medics began to give me a running commentary of what they were doing he asked them to stop as it would have made me vomit more (I had HG so he knew everything would make me vomit)
-Held my arms when they began shaking uncontrollably during the operation
-Took care of DS while the team were sorting me out
-stayed in the hospital with me for 4 days (with oermission) to help with DS as I could barely move, had cannulas in both hands (so did DS as we both picked up infections during the operation).

Totally agree that your DH needs to think for himself what's best for you and what you would prefer, NOT ask you what you want at every little thing.

My DP says to tell your DH: bring your own pillow.

N0tfinished · 07/05/2017 09:08

My DH has big warm hands and they were my handy dandy mobile heating pad. He charmed the midwives during the boring bits. He stayed stoic and calm even though I could see from his face he was scared shitless. All in all just a rock!

GinnyBaker · 07/05/2017 09:21

"Essentially, stay still and pay attention. Really close attention. "

This.

I knew DH had my back and was watching out for me.

User99573864 · 07/05/2017 09:34

Sit down, shut up and hand me a drink when required.

That's why I love my husband.

TSSDNCOP · 07/05/2017 09:40

I had a epidural filled labour so frankly there was nothing for him to do, so he went round his mums for a kip.

By the time he got back and things were hotting up I was so zoned on the MWs advice I didn't really notice him. I did say absolutely clearly to him as we went to theatre that if anything were to go awry, he was to insist on helping the baby first.

My mum, sister and best friends DD say he gave a top class birth announcement when he phoned.

CherriesInTheSnow · 07/05/2017 09:59

I spent a lot of time doing a birth olan with my first which was mainly focused on what we would do at home, rather than a hospital plan. It heavily feautured my OH and worked really well, this is what we did and will be doing this time :) This is also set out in rough order of what I needed as labour progressed from early to ready to go to hospital:

Have him help organise some activities that you've planned together to do in advance, like ensuring your favourite films are available or running you a nice bath.

Have him prepare you some food you fancy in early labour - very important to eat even if it's just fruit or a smoothie.

He can be in charge of making sure you are drinking and weeing at regular intervals - ideally both once an hour at least.

He can also be in charge of downloading a contraction timer app on his phone and doing timing them for you.

I didn't actually want a bath in the end but had a nice shower and DH helped me get groomed and ready for labour, as it was hard to do with a big bump! He can also run you a nice bath if it will help.

Have him give you a massage on your back or shoulders, or help with breathing exercises.

Make it his job to be in contact with the midwibest, if you feel this will disturb you.

Later on as pain gets more intense it is helpful to use him as a birthing prop - to lean on etc. He can also rUn your back or hold a hot water bottle where you would like it if it helps.

One of the biggest things he can do is be a force of calm and constistency when you are going through such a range of things physical and emotional. If he is moaning or anything, that will put you out and stress you. Good luck!

Wait4nothing · 07/05/2017 10:06

My dh prepared snacks before my induction (for him and me in the early stages), preped the iPad with stuff to watch (we were in private labour room throughout induction so no disturbing anyone), went and refilled numerous bottles of water, attempted to rub my back (but did it wrong).
What he could have known better - where everything in the bags where - he couldn't find the nappy or hat and had the whole bag unpacked!

RhinestoneCowgirl · 07/05/2017 10:21

Definitely there to provide drinks and snacks! Both our DC were born at home, first labour was around 20 hrs from first contraction, second was much quicker and DH wasn't so involved.

This is support from DH I remember from first birth:

  • asked me quiz questions while I bounced on my birth ball to take my mind off contractions in early labour
  • drove us to the hospital at midnight as MW wanted me to be checked, then drove us back home again 2 hrs later with me mooing loudly.
  • sat with me in the early hours while I had a bath
  • timed my contractions, as I didn't want to worry about looking at the clock
  • comforted me and cleared up after I puked copiously during transition.
  • helped me upstairs to the loo
  • I actually ended up sat on his lap during pushing stage, he acted as a kind of birthing stool. He was constantly telling me that I was fine, that I could do it, felt like he really had my back Smile
PlugUgly1980 · 07/05/2017 12:09

Mine was great! Two very different births. With my first I was completely off my head after the pethidine injection and can't remember much. Apparently I had hold of his hand so tightly he had know idea I was so strong! He also listened to the midwife and helped with holding in my cannula which was coming loose but the midwife didn't have time to reinsert it. I needed surgery afterwards for a bad tear but had to wait 6 hours for theatre to be free, he knew I was terrified at the prospect of going down to theatre but he was so reassuring and fantastic looking after our newbie on his own whilst the midwife accompanied me to theatre. With my second I had an epidural and was much more aware of what was going on, we just sat and chatted to pass the time. He very nearly fainted (over come with emotion as we'd had a very stressful week prior unrelated to baby being born), so midwife shoved him into a chair with his head between his legs!! Our LB was born blue and it seemed to take forever for him to take his first breath, but DH was so calm and reassuring to me. He was also great passing me drinks, refilling the water jug, and fetching food. I couldn't have managed without him!

PlugUgly1980 · 07/05/2017 12:59

Someone down thread has made a very good point...get him to go through your hospital bag with you prior to going in, so he knows where everything is for both you and baby (and himself!). I remember him practically emptying our bag out on the floor and still not knowing which baby grow to put baby in, where it's hat was, which nappy to use (i'd pack 2 different sizes) etc. I remember being annoyed by this as I'd so lovingly packed everything, but on reflection he wouldn't have had any idea what I'd packed as I did it all whilst he was at work! I'd packed him a clean t-shirt and deodorant etc but because it didn't jump out of the bag at him straight away he 'couldn't find it'!

GavelRavel · 07/05/2017 13:03

Naff all really, pass things, especially drive Jan is all they can really do. Though my DP was even crap at that. I'd bought a box of cold Capri sun in as I thought that would be good for afterwards but he just kept on passing and passing them until eventually vomitted purple sick all over myself and the bed. It looked even more like a warzone than normal afterwards, they had to strip the entire bed.

GavelRavel · 07/05/2017 13:05

Drinks!

Harree · 07/05/2017 13:14

As long as they look concerned & attentive if you happen to glance their way, that's all they can do. My DH slept/ate/internet browsed at various stages in my 2nd birth which pissed me off no end. He perched on a chair looking concerned for the 3rd... They're a bit redundant at that stage so as long as they look like they're 'present', I'm happy with that.

Elland · 07/05/2017 13:16

Tell him not to wake up with the flu as you wake up in labour 😤🙄

NapQueen · 07/05/2017 13:19

Mine:
*dont give an opinion on pain relief. If you ask for it he agrees.
*know the labour bag inside out.
*dont drink coffee near the pushing stage blahh coffee breath
*have enough snacks for both of you.
*let the mum have the final say on the name ;)
*dont fanny on your phone.
*dont keeping asking "are you nearly there?"

glitterglitters · 07/05/2017 13:28

It's weird. My dh didn't necessarily "do" anything (though he did so the fearsome lower back rub during contractions), but I couldn't have done it without him.

He put my hair up in a ponytail, made sure I had sips of drinks and something to eat, chatted to me in a distracting but calm way and let me crush the buggery out of his hand during really painful ones.

He changed dd's first nappy and gave her skin to skin when I was being stitched up. He took us home and then went and got me a huge greasy McDonald's breakfast when I was tucked up in bed. ❤️❤️❤️

Crunchyside · 07/05/2017 14:18

He can "shake the apples"... Grin

i.e.:

Stand behind the mother as she leans on a chair, or kneels over a ball or bed, using both hands to vigorously rub the mother's back, hips, bottom, thigh and legs.