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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

childcare whilst in labour - solutions needed please!

61 replies

user1489673675 · 16/03/2017 14:45

Hi all, I've got a bit of a dilemma regarding childcare whilst in labour with number 2 and I'm just after a bit of solidarity/advice from anyone who's been in the same boat.

My son has just turned two and I'm due to have our second at the start of June. The problem is that we don't have anybody to look after our son whilst in labour. My parents and parents in law all died really young so we haven't got grandparents to call on. We were counting on my brother and sister in law but they found out that they can't have children at the same time that we found out I was pregnant and are really struggling with the news. It seems horribly insensitive to ask them to babysit whilst I give birth. They are also on holiday from my due date for two weeks. My sister lives at the other end of the country and has agreed to book a week off work to come down and help out but that's a bit of a lottery given that we have no idea when the baby will arrive. I've got a few friends I could ask but every single one of them has just given birth to their second babies in the past few weeks. I can't help but feel that my request would be pretty unpopular!

I have considered a homebirth but a recent urine sample revealed group b strep so that's a no go. I really can't come up with a solution that doesn't involve my husband missing the birth (which I'm fine with but he is not willing to consider). I saw the midwife this morning and she said I wouldn't be able to take my son to the hospital with us (I was thinking that I'd have an epidural and thus it wouldn't be too traumatic then maybe my husband wouldn't mind waiting outside with him during the final push). I have heard that some nannies offer an emergency service but I'm reluctant to leave my son with a stranger given that I've never left him with anyone before (no childcare)! I realise that this may be a compromise that I'll have to accept ultimately but I'm just wondering if anyone has any pearls of wisdom as I'm driving myself crazy trying to think of a solution! Thanks in advance.
L x

OP posts:

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Original poster

user1489673675 · 18/03/2017 17:36

Thanks to those of you who offered constructive suggestions. There's a toddler group in our village that a few lovely nannies and childminders attend. I'll ask them what they think. Thanks again.

OP posts:

Jessiecat27 · 18/03/2017 18:46

I can't believe they won't let your son in with you! Is it just that hospital or have you asked in others nearby? Obviously if you child is distressed you oh could then take him out of the room but it wouldn't scar him for life or anything, he probably wouldn't remember it and it's a natural thing! Maybe see if there are any labour units around you that would let ds in too!

Original poster

user1489673675 · 18/03/2017 20:09

That's a great idea. I don't know why it hadn't occurred to me to shop around before! Perhaps I'm being naive but I figure that with adequate pain relief I shouldn't be in too much discomfort and it would only be the pushing part that I wouldn't want him there for. It does seem silly that there aren't procedures in place for people that don't have childcare. Surely even people with families and childminders get caught out on occasion? Thanks for the tip.

OP posts:

LorLorr2 · 18/03/2017 20:19

Do make your friends aware of your predicament, and if someone offers, perhaps have your son meet them a couple of times so he's more familiar with them. Lots of explaining beforehand about what will happen and where you are going, to prepare him. If more than one person offers to have him then go with someone you know would have the time to be attentive with him and make him feel comfy and fussed over. Best of luck too!

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/03/2017 09:07

I don't think any hospitals allow siblings in during labour

Shame not a 24hr crèche at hospital for emergencies

Good thing is you have time. 2/3mths to arrange childcare

Look at ad hoc cm or nannies

I've done this before as a nanny. Been on call for a family - was on a retainer so wouldn't work elsewhere

Ask about your friends. If they've just had a baby then sure 3mths later they would be happy having a toddler for a day or two while in labour

Bubbinsmakesthree · 19/03/2017 09:28

I've never heard of a hospital
allowing children in the delivery suites, I am pretty sure that's not something any hospital will permit. A homebirth is really the only option if you want your DH and DC with you - even then you'd have to allow for the possibility that you get transferred to hospital and that DH wouldn't be able to come with you.

Seriously, I'd try to line up some options - childbirth is unpredictable, you might either end up in an emergency and really want your DH there, or (unless your DH is reliably available immediately 24/7) find yourself in a situation where you need hospital treatment and your DH isn't there to look after your DC anyway.

2014newme · 19/03/2017 22:12

No way will your son be allowed at hospital with you, in any hospital unless you check private ones.

HelenDenver · 19/03/2017 22:18

if your labour is quick, you and the baby may need to stay in to get the antibiotics - check with midwife.

mikesh909 · 21/03/2017 17:47

I'm not suggesting this, but what would happen if a labouring woman arrived at the hospital with an older DC in tow, under emergency circumstances? Even the best laid childcare plans can presumably fail...

HelenDenver · 21/03/2017 17:58

If the DH was also in tow, as OP is expecting, he would be asked to take DC away.

Otherwise I imagine the child would go in a waiting area, depending on age.

Littlecaf · 21/03/2017 19:16

A few friends have had good experiences with sitters.co.uk including overnight for shift workers. Find someone you are comfortable with, have some settling in sessions and make sure they are around on the right dates you need them. Best of luck x

RedCrab · 21/03/2017 19:53

I think probably a doula is your best bet - so she can be with you and DH can be with DS. I'm not sure a two year old would cope in the middle of the night with someone he'd only known a couple of months.

I'm planning a homebirth with a doula with my third child just because I know my two year old wouldn't be ok with anyone else apart from DH - I'm not even sure she'd be ok with grandparents in the middle of the night, and she is bonded with them and loves them dearly! You could also be feasibly a couple of days depending on how the labour goes. I guess it depends on the temperament of your son?

I would have the expectation of DH staying with him, and actually making provisions for someone for you.

Lovelilies · 21/03/2017 20:04

Haven't read all the replies, but just wanted to point out that group b strep doesn't have to mean no home birth. It's your choice whether to have antibiotics or not, and I'm sure I read somewhere that some people have it, but haven't been swabbed so obviously don't get treated! And also it may have gone by the time you give birth anyway. But, definitely do your own research. It's your birth, your body and your baby. HCPs can only advise you what to do, you have a choice about every part of your care.
I'd definitely look into it if I were you, we had a HB with DC3 when DC2 was 2, DC1 was 11 and was present!

TheABC · 21/03/2017 20:15

Whilst I don't advocate it, DS had to come along for the first part of my labour as it was 3am in the morning and my mother (emergency childcare) had a long drive to get to us. Sadly I had been working until that point and new to the area, so getting anyone else at that time of day was not happening. DH packed some toys and kept him amused in a corner of the room, until she came. I ended up with an EMCS, so I am glad DS was with her.

I would recommend asking around and keeping a childminder as a back up. You have time to prepare him now.

Stitchfusion · 21/03/2017 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PerpetualStudent · 21/03/2017 20:40

Stitch if you can't filter out the first cruel thing that pops into your head when addressing an anxious expectant mother who is asking for advice, I'd suggest it's not the OP who needs to reconsider her priorities.

HelenDenver · 21/03/2017 21:05

"The only way I can imagine a person being in this awful a situation is if they are horrible and selfish and judgemental"

Were you looking in the mirror as you typed?

HelenDenver · 21/03/2017 21:06

Oh, and grandparents have died, siblings live far away and she's new to th area. It's a short thread: why not read it?

RedCrab · 21/03/2017 21:10

Stitch you are right, that was very cruel. Most people have the luxury of relying on grandparents but OP has explained they have both lost their parents young. So they're dependent on friends to help as you seem to think that's standard. OP has also explained they're newish to the area. Motherhood can be incredibly isolating and you don't just make insta-friends even if you go to lots of groups. Not everyone makes friends so readily they would ask something like this so easily. I know I would struggle to ask and I have had lots of friends offer to take my two DC when I go into labour this time!

It was the first thing that popped into your head; suggest you learn how to take a moment and type out something more constructive. You haven't just blurted this out. It took time to type it out

NotInMyBackYard1 · 21/03/2017 21:11

nice one Stitch OP doesn't want to inconvenience anyone by asking them to look after her two year old - its a big ask, even if you have lifelong friends. Lets face it, most people would ask the grandparents. This isn't an option available to the OP. Have a little sympathy!

DirtyDancing · 21/03/2017 22:27

Stitch is very clearly a bitch. Ignore good people, always ignore the bully

Stitchfusion · 22/03/2017 00:25

Of course I know that what I am saying is cruel. But that's exactly my point. It isn't a big ask. Not at all. I literally can not think of a single person I know in real life who would refuse to look after a child so that a woman in labour can go and have her baby in the appropriate medical setting.
Sometimes tough love is more appropriate. This lady has plenty of time to find appropriate care, and that isnt having the A&E staff looking after a child in a waiting area, or the midwives doing so. I should hope she sorts herself out, but telling her its ok, the fairies will sort it all for her isn't exactly beneficial to anyone, least of all her emotional state when she is trying to give birth. Woman up and do the best you can for your kids.

inniu · 22/03/2017 00:55

Mikesh909

I have seen what can happen when a woman arrives in hospital in advanced labour with young children and no other adult. When I was having twins I went into labour prematurely but thankfully while I was already in hospital due to complications. I was on my own labouring waiting for DH to come in when a toddler burst in the door and started running around, a midwife ran in after him and he ran out. A few minutes later another child ran in and another midwife ran in.
Eventually a midwife checked on me and realised I was in a fairly serious condition. So basically a number of midwives were occupying we trying to control children and unable to attend labouring women.
It is different if another adult is there to mind the children but generally I would think it is unsuitable to bring children to a delivery suite

HelenDenver · 22/03/2017 07:10

"but telling her its ok, the fairies will sort it all for her isn't exactly beneficial to anyone"

No one said that.

Also, the OP is relaxed about her DH staying home with her current child; i imagine this will be what happens if no alternative is found.

You are nasty, and I'm done with you.

Newmanwannabe · 22/03/2017 08:14

OMG stitch. You must have falen out of the grumpy tree today! It is sad we live in a isolated society. We close ourselves off from everyone around us and hide within walls of self imposed anxiety.

Perhaps for whatever reason OP doesn't want to ask anyone else. Does it matter? No because that wasn't her question it was what should I do in this situation.

To be honest I think it's a sad community that we need to have paid child care and doulas etc. that we dont have people to lean on. I think unless we go back to living in small communities and not being transient that's how it's going to be. Can't see that happening anytime soon

Our tribes now are all online. We are living more and more in our own heads ignoring those infront of us to talk to those in the ether. It's sad I hate it but I'm as much a part of it as everyone else.

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