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Missed appointment, Midwife unnanounced visit, Feeling like crap :(

37 replies

user1476968120 · 26/02/2017 12:57

I was just sat in my front room and my midwife just turned up, completely unexpected and unannounced, and told me I had missed a sixteen-week appointment that I was apparently meant to have a few days before Christmas. I never had any letters about this appointment, And have had three appointments's since and no one has told me in any of these appointments that I've missed a sixteen-week appointment, I haven't had any phone calls or letters to say I've missed anything either.
Every appointment I've had since the missed sixteen weeks one have been scans and I've even had the detailed one to check everything's fine and it is. The baby and I are all completely healthy.

I have another 3 appointments in the next few weeks and now have to have ANOTHER one just to go to the doctors and talk about whatever the sixteen week one was about.

She told me, ''You need to get back on track with your appointments'' - which, as I said I have been to every appointment I've been given, And feel a little bit intimidated when she started going on about how they have to make sure the baby is all healthy and ok, Which again, I only had an appointment just over a week ago that confirmed everything was fine.
I am struggling a little with the feeling of not feeling in control of whats happening, I'm doing everything I can And still feel like its not good enough.

She also said that they are worrying because my local doctors haven't heard anything from me since my original 8 weeks appointment, but I haven't had any letters, I honestly didn't know I had to check in with my doctors If I'm having so many other appointments at my local hospital and another that I'll be having the baby at. two different hospitals because my local one doesn't have a proper maternity anymore

This is my first pregnancy and like I sad, I just feel like I'm not in control of anything, All my choices have been taken away, I'm struggling a little and feeling very overwhelmed with all the appointments and I don;t really know what to do with myself. I feel like everything I do is wrong or not good enough.

Does anyone have an advice? I don't know what advice I'm looking for.. maybe I'm just looking to hear some nice words from women who either feel the same or have felt the same way?

Oh, I don't know if its worth mentioning or not, But I can't contact my midwife as I don't know who it is. My midwife left for another job in January and I haven't been contacted or told in since appointments who my new one is. So I don't have anyone to contact. Just incase anyone suggestions calling my midwife and talking to her about what im feeling.

Thank you.

P.S; Please don't leave any negative comments, I'm just sharing my feelings among women who maybe have felt the same or even if they haven't, I'm not bashing, I'm not denying responsibility for anything, Just feeling a little overwhelmed and emotional at the moment. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
joangray38 · 26/02/2017 13:02

As your original midwife has left I would imagine they have mucked up re appointments and are trying to pass the buck back to you in case you complain

Catlady100 · 26/02/2017 13:02

I wouldn't worry if I were you. You've been along to the scans and it's just BP and urine at the 16 week. I am sure they can catch up on that. I haven't checked back in with my doctor - they are uninterested now it's been passed to midwife. She sounds a bit over the top to me. If just concentrate on having had a healthy scan (congrats!) and ask them to let you know if you need to attend anything in future.


sotiredbutworthit · 26/02/2017 13:03

Oh bless you! I can understand how you feel. What I have learnt from having two kids is that you have to put your foot down sometimes and be assertive! That doesn't mean ignoring what the midwives have to say, but being assertive about what you feel you want to happen. Have you written down what you would like to happen in the pregnancy? It helps to have it documented as you can show the midwives and not have to re say it every time!! I wouldn't worry too much about "catching up" with appointments. I think this is probably an over zealous well meaning midwife!! Xxxxxx

KnockMeDown · 26/02/2017 13:04

Did you tell her about all the appointments you have had? What did she say?

It sounds like either they have mixed you up with someone else, or your Gp is not being informed of your hospital visits - can you let them know you are under the hospital care?

Hellmouth · 26/02/2017 13:07

I don't think the 16 week one is usually that important. I think you are right to be upset cos

  1. They should have mentioned that you had missed an appointment

2. Someone should have tried to contact you. When I was late for one, my midwife called me.
3. I don't think there is a reason for you to see the doctor again, unless there are complications. I saw my doctor to tell him I was pregnant, and then didn't see them again until it was time for my whooping cough vaccination.

However, don't you have maternity notes? This should have all your appointment weeks and which each one should be about.

It's really important for you to try to be organised, to be honest.
Funnyonion17 · 26/02/2017 13:10

I agree. They have definitely messed up and you've missed having a few routine checks,. Not big issue for your health but they could get into huge trouble. Try be more firm with them and done be intimated

Hellmouth · 26/02/2017 13:10

Your maternity notes should have a contact number, or you can call the hospital and say you don't know who your midwife is. It is possible you haven't got one yet, but not everyone keeps the same midwife. I had a team of midwives so I saw different people throughout my pregnancy and then when I was giving birth.

kel1234 · 26/02/2017 13:12

It sounds like they are not 100% sure of what's good on to me.
I think if you've been to every appointment you knew of then you're fine. It's not your fault if you didn't know about it. I agree it sounds like they are trying to put the blame on you though.
For the record, my first scan wasn't until late, so much so I was told they could establish the sex at the first scan (not that I wanted to know at either scan anyway). Also I had my first couple of appointments, an appointment for my anti d injection as I'm rhesus negative, and my 2 scans.
I didn't have any further appointments from 24 weeks until 37 weeks, due to moving and things. So I missed a few appointments inbetween, but it was all fine.
Good luck

MrsAukerman · 26/02/2017 13:13

I think you just need to spell it out to her.
You understand there are safeguarding issues where pregnant women deliberately try and neglect their antenatal care but this is simply a case of a letter not being received. You are up to date as far as you're aware in respect of scans etc but if she feels there is anything crucial you have missed at the 16 week appointment then she'd better fill you in!

Chinnygirl · 26/02/2017 13:19

I'd have an issue with how they are making this your fault or something. There are plenty of women who don't even know that they're pregnant till later on and they miss appointments. Or women who forget everything due to hormones. It's not an exam that you need to pass. I'd explain it and tell them how their communication is coming across as controlling at the next appointment. If they keep being nasty you should switch midwives. You should be feeling safe in their care. This is totally not your fault.

IAmAPaleontologist · 26/02/2017 13:28

How many weeks are you now? In general you see the mw at booking, 16-18 weeks then 25, 31 and then getting more frequent as you come to the end of your pregnancy. You have the routine scans that are your dating scan and anomaly scan.

You may have additional scans or hospital appointments if you have any complications or risk factors but these are in addition to the midwife appointments. Clearly something has been missed along the way. In some areas they make the 16 week appointment for you, ,others you are expected to make it after your dating scan when you know when you will be 16 weeks, it varies. For you it seems that wires got crossed and either you didn't make the appointment (they didn't tell you that you had to make it) or they made it but had the wrong contact details or something.

On Monday ring your GP surgery and ask how to get in touch with the midwife who covers their surgery.

Moreisnnogedag · 26/02/2017 13:31

I think your midwife sounds very odd to be honest. An unexpected home visit?? I second a previous poster about feeling confident and assertive in later pregnancies and how in the first, some midwives try to ride roughshod over you. For ds 1 the mw tried to get my Dh to make me change my mind about genetic testing Hmm.

If you don't mind me asking, is there some reason that they might think you are more vulnerable? If you're very young or just shy it might help having a friend or family member be your advocate.

DianaMemorialJam · 26/02/2017 13:34

Sounds ridiculous. I never 'checked in' with my gp once I had had an early appointment with them. 3 appointments since Christmas? They're being over the top. Do they not realise people have work/other children/general life to contend with without being at the doctors every week? And as for sending out a midwife to your house for something as silly as this; no wonder there is a shortage of midwives and the NHS is backed up if they're all making bloody house calls!

Mehfruittea · 26/02/2017 13:35

As PP have said, they need to flag safeguarding issues during pregnancy that may impact the child when born. Missing appointments is see as a red flag. Do you have any other circumstances that are also flags? Just one flag by itself is nothing but if you tick a few of the boxes they will be concerned.

No judgements here. Some if the flags I know about are: young mum under 18, history if depression, history if domestic violence, drug or alcohol abuse (or partner), vulnerably housed i.e. Hostel, care leaver or simply no apparent support network. There will be others.

Just make sure you show you are engaged with the process of appointments, that you make decisions based on what's best for baby and that you show you have support around you.

Flowers hope it all goes well.

RTKangaMummy · 26/02/2017 13:35

Is there anything on GP website about who the midwife is for your surgery?

Or like others have said ask at maternity

Semaphorically · 26/02/2017 13:39

They shouldn't have made you feel like that! I can see that they're trying to do the right thing and ensure that all of the women under their care are healthy, but there are better ways of expressing it.

You can write a summary of what you said above in your own notes (attended all appointments given, query raised about non-attendance at 16 week appointment but patient never notified about this appointment). That way it's there if anyone wants to find out what happened. For some reason things written in the notes achieve the status of gospel truth, so take advantage of that! Not that anything is likely to happen.

The community midwives work in liaison with the GP usually, so you can contact your GP to ask for the new midwife's contact details. Also there should be something in your notes that lists all the standard appointments you should expect to have.

user1476968120 · 26/02/2017 13:45

Oh, Wow, Lots of replies. Sorry for my slow response to anyone, I posted and then popped off to have a cup of tea, I'll read through them now and reply to any questions. Thank you for all your replies and comments from the ones I've read so far, You all seem very lovely and supportive, so thank you so much x

OP posts:
Applesandpears23 · 26/02/2017 14:13

I never bothered to see my GP at all. I just self referred to the hospital midwives which you can do in my area. After the 20 week scan you can get a whooping cough vacine and you get that from the GP (actually the nurse) so she may have meant that. Have you been offered that and the flu jab?

user1476968120 · 26/02/2017 14:24

I had my first GP appointment at 8 weeks which was basically my ''confirm pregnancy'' appointment and to ask some questions, Then at 12 weeks, I had my midwife appointment to sort all the details out. I was referred to have the GTT, Due to having a slightly high BMI, Which my appointment for that has been booked for the end of March, But apart from that, I don't have any other ''risks''.

I've had my BP checked in appointments since and have an appointment in a few weeks where I'll have my urine checked. But now I have another appointment this week at my Doctors regarding this missed appointment, Which She only told me about this 24-week appointment today that's apparently on Thursday so another appointment I wasn't told about.

The Midwife for my Doctors is actually the Midwife I was given original, Who left, So again, I don't know who that midwife is as she would have changed aswell. But I will defo find out.

I had my letter for the whooping cough injection only a few days ago, But my doctors are closed until Monday So I can't make that appointment until then, But I have had the letter for that so that's good.
I did tell her about the appointment I've had since/recently, But she maintained I need to ''Get back on Track'' with appointments, Which if I've only missed this one, I don't understand how im off-track with them to be honest. She said, and I quote ''If you start missing appointments then well..'' and sort of trailed off which worries me incase I'm going to get in some sort of trouble.

She said the number they had for me disconnected, But I specifically remember giving them my number at my 8-week appointment, Aswell as my partners and even my parents incase of emergencies. So, that's definitely something I'll have to talk to them about, as it is at least the second time I've given them my number, However, they do have my address so if all else failed though it shouldn't have They could have sent a letter. It shocked me that they would just jump to sending out a midwife unexpectedly as if trying to sniff out a problem.. or at least that's how I took it. I could be wrong. Never mind.

I am quite organised with everything, to be honest, I keep all my letters, appointments, folders, notes etc etc in a big folder to keep them all together.

Yes, I do agree that If there was something super important other than checking BP and Urine at the sixteen-week appointment, They have had many chances to tell me, As, at the point, Its been over two months since that appointment should have happened. Again, I'm not trying to deny responsibly or anything, But they HAVE had any chances to tell me of this missed appointment.

I am currently 23 weeks pregnant as of yesterday.

I originally had my partner coming to my appointments, but recently decided that I'd prefer my mother to be there with me, I am a very quite shy person so find being assertive or standing up for myself a little hard, But at the same time, its not far that I feel intimidated.

Yes, I've had three appointments since Christmas, I also had a gender scan appointment but that wasn't with the hospital so I haven't included that. My upcoming appointments in the next few weeks/ month are for whooping cough injection, My GTT, This check up on Thursday at my Doctors and then just a normal appointment at the hospital which I don't know what its for so need to check.

It does worry me a little that I've had so many appointments and been told I'll be having many more. I haven't been told anything is wrong, In fact, I've been told my baby and I are all completely good and healthy, So... Is there something someone isn't telling me?

I'm 21 years old, I'll be 22 on the 8th of March. I don't know if that would be classed as a young mother.

Sorry If I haven't answered anyone's questions yet, There's quite a lot. I will get to it. But again, Thank you for your replies. x

OP posts:
PowerofThree · 26/02/2017 14:49

It does sound like you are in an area where your hospital scans and consultant appointments are made for you but you have to organise the midwife/Dr appointments (16wks/25wks/25wks etc). But they should have made this clear to you. I was given a list of which weeks I needed appointments and who I should make them with (I have a mix of midwife and GP care but that my area is unusual). They may be thinking that you have been deliberately not making it appointments rather than understand it is a miscommunication over how the process works. The midwife sounds very heavy handed though - especially as it is your first pregnancy and every area seems to vary so how would you know whether to make appointments or wait for a letter if they don't tell you??

My hospital also does the thing of sending letters out making appointments but not stating what they are for which is frustrating when you have been referred for a couple of things and it is not clear which appointment is which! I ended up phoning the consultants secretary and asking them to tell me what it was for.

As a first time mum you do get more routine checks than if you've had a baby before and combined with scans and a consultant referal it does add up quickly! I went though a stage with loads of appointments before the consultant signed me off and it did get a bit tiresome.

Taking your mum with you does seem a good idea if it will give you the extra confidence to make them understand that you are unhappy and want better communication from the. Flowers

Joceshe · 26/02/2017 17:14

At my booking in appointment, the midwife on my appointment card booked me for my 16 week midwife appointment and also highlighted to me the weeks i needed to make GP check up appointments aswell, the first being 24 weeks for whooping cough jab. At my 16 week appointment, i was informed to book 28 week appointment at reception. It appears to me that there has been a lack of correspondence and you are not to know which appointments you need to make yourself and so forth. Iv never received letters for my midwife appointments, always been told to book at reception and a note made in my appointment card unlike the scans where I receive notification. The error defo appears to be on their end and they are trying to pass on to you. Had i not been notified of the weeks to book various appointments, it wouldnt have been done!!

SnugglySnerd · 26/02/2017 17:22

Are you sure you don't need to make the midwife appointments yourself? That's how it works here, scans and other hospital appointments are organised and they send a letter but you have to make your own appointments with the community midwife. Someone should have explained that to you though. I expect the GP receptionist would know.
Writing it down in your notes yourself is a good idea.

oliversmummy26 · 28/02/2017 14:50

It is all terribly confusing, and how appointments are made varies from area to area, but here I had my booking at 8 weeks where my midwife gave me my notes (your blue book).

In the front there is a list of all the appointments you will need to have with your midwife and scans.

The only appointments which are made for me are my hospital appointments, so scans. All midwife appointments have to be made by me through my doctor's surgery as that's where I see my MW.

I know the appointments don't seem to important, as all they really do initially is check your week, blood pressure etc. But from 16 weeks they may start to check baby's heartbeat and I think from about 24 weeks they start to measure your tummy to give an idea of baby's size.

It is extremely important that you see your midwife regularly and I can understand why she came to see you at home, but I also understand that it's not nice for you to be looked down on made out to be in the wrong when clearly this wasn't explained to you properly.

Your community midwife is your point of contact, you may be seen at the hospital for scans or consultant appointments, but I find midwife appointments invaluable. They are a chance to let them know how you're doing, if you have any questions, and for them to check that everything is fine with the baby. A scan is all well and good, but there is so much more which needs to be checked.

There's a list of all the appointments you should have here on the NHS website (as it's your first, you have loads!) I loved mine, as it broke up a long 40 weeks into smaller segments!

DuggeeHugs · 28/02/2017 15:38

It can be very confusing - even second time around. In our area the midwife sees you at 8 weeks for a long booking in appointment, arranges for your scan and any early consultant appointments, before telling you to book your next midwife appointment for 16 weeks. From that point on she will tell you when to book your next midwife appointment for - usually it is roughly monthly but can be much more frequent. She won't send reminder letters and the surgery won't book more than 2 weeks in advance so you need to be quite organised with phone reminders for yourself to make appointments.

Scan and consultant appointments arrive by post which is probably the root of the problems here - if your midwife wasn't clear about the system at booking in then it would be very easy to get out of sync.

Tell them that they haven't communicated this to you and ask for a list of the appointments they expect you to book. I love my midwife appointments as she never skimps - there's always BP, urine, a general chat and she Dopplers for the heartbeat. Hopefully you'll find them helpful too once they get sorted Flowers

DuggeeHugs · 28/02/2017 16:00

It's also worth noting that the consultants, sonographers and phlebotomists won't know about your midwife appointments and won't check if you're up to date so there aren't other chances to be told about appointments.

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