My PG friend is drinking, smoking cigarettes and marijuana

[user1487978064]

Hi, im new to mumsnet so i havent learned all the abbreviations yet.

My childhood best friend is over 6months and I recently found out from her that she is smoking marijuana, cigarettes and drinking alcohol.
She told me she is trying to quit cigarettes.

I am absolutely horrified and devastated.
She told me she had been trying for over a year to get pregnant after she had a miscarriage 2 years ago.
I dont understand why she wouldnt have quit before trying?

I come from a family that believe its inherently wrong to drink, smoke, do drugs anything! Hell my family wont even eat pasteurised cheese!

So upon learning this i am disgusted and horrified that after having a sudden miscarriage that she says was not to do with her habits that she could do this to her baby.

I fell pregnant in the summer of last year and the moment i realised i was pregnant (we were not planning or trying) i quit smoking immediately and stopped eating/drinking anything dangerous.

We werent even sure we wanted a child but i still didnt do anything that could harm our baby. Almost as soon as we decided to keep our baby, i lost it.
I was very early in pregnancy but it was still horribly sad, then we found out that i have fibromyalgia and some other health issues that can be genetic (my mum has fibro) so ethically we decided not to have children so as not to pass on bad genes to them.

After my best friend getting pregnant i was so excited for her but i also was sad in a way as i wanted a child that i cant have.

I was so ecstatic about her having a baby, i felt so much love and joy for her, her partner and her baby. But now all i feel is fear for the baby?
I dont know what to do.

I saw her 6month scan and it looks like her baby has cleft palate, which is even more terrifying. I feel like she is going to be a really bad parent and i feel so guilty for thinking it.

I welcome any advice/stories.
💧💖

Wow! Im shocked too!! I dont judge anybody but personaly dont agree with drinkin/smokin etc through pregnancy. They can pick up a cleft palate in a 20 week scan because thats what they looks for on my baby due to it having talipes. I think perhaps you should talk to your friend about your concerns.

I would judge someone who drank a moderate amount or frequently throughout pregnancy. Not the odd glass of wine. Isn't there that whole book about expecting better that says that they just say no alcohol because people don't understand units and will drink 3 if told 1 or 2?
I have a tee total friend who judges me for drinking whilst breastfeeding.

Smoking is not great. But again I guess the context matters.

You know that you are responding this way because you are devastated by your own situation and no one could blame you there.

I was a smoker and just before I found out I was pregnant every time I had a cigarette I had a wierd tightening sensation in my pelvis/lower stomach area...that was my first inkling actually and people may laugh but evidently I was wrong, I don't excuse judging someone who is slips occasionally but does well generally but that level of SA is just tempting fate tbh its concerning how blaise people are about this in this day and when we do know better, there's more outrage shown on a benefits thread

*I wasn't wrong.

Yeah, there's no evidence of damage from mild-moderate drinking, only heavy drinking. However, they don't think that pregnant women will know the difference so they recommend no alcohol to be on the safe side. To be fair, drinking is so normalised here (UK) that people underestimate how many units are in 1 drink.

YOU think the baby has a anomaly but the sonographer preforming the scan doesnt? I dont think so. You come from a family that looks down on people who smoke yet you smoked before being pregnant? Very strange. Smoking is bad when pregnant, but surely she needs you to be there for her and to talk to her about your concerns instead of looking down your nose at her on an internet website, no? Unless she is an alcoholic, that is not a major issue as doctors say 2 a week is fine. I dont agree with smoking anything or drinking in pregnancy but i'd be a little pissed off if my childhood best friend put something like this on mumsnet about me.

I'm guessing that she attended the six month scan and the sonographer mentioned it? You could barely tell you were looking at a baby on the photos from my scans around that time, so would be strange to make a comment based on that.

OP, I can understand why you'd feel this way, especially after your loss. Probably the best thing to do is to talk to her. At the very least this will give you a chance to express your feelings, at best you might be able to change her behaviour.

I am absolutely horrified and devastated
Bit dramatic

So upon learning this i am disgusted and horrified that after having a sudden miscarriage that she says was not to do with her habits that she could do this to her baby

Are you blaming your friend for her miscarriage?

When we found out that i have fibromyalgia and some other health issues that can be genetic (my mum has fibro) so ethically we decided not to have children so as not to pass on bad genes to them
Offensive AND irrelevant

I dont know what to do
Mind your own business and stop behaving like a weirdo.

I welcome any advice/stories

See above

Id just like to clarify some details:
My PG friend is drinking up to a bottle of wine a day & she drinks vodka
She is very heavy smoker and is smoking several joints a day.
For all those who say how can i know what is going on physically with her baby, my grandmother is her midwife, my friend has been told about her baby having cleft palette and she told her midwifery team that they were being stupid and that he obviously is just 'laughing'
Also to the person who said 'but you said you were smoking/drinking before you got pg'
Yes i was, my becoming pg was an accident. I was not trying for a baby. On realising i was pg i stopped all unhealthy habits, i was a heavy smoker and light drinker and i did not drink or smoke at all.
To the person who said it was offensive for me to say that i chose not to have children out of morals and ethics because i didnt want my children to be at risk of illness. Umm why is that offensive? Im not saying others are immoral or bad because they chose to have children when they have genetic illness? Im stating what i chose to do.

@wetlookwasp
thank you for understanding, im finding it really hard with her as she keeps saying she loves her baby and is going to be an amazing mum but i cant understand why shes doing the things she does.
In regards to talking to her about it, shes already ditched her family for talking to her about her habits and i dont want to lose her either tbh

@bluebelleevergreen
Hi sorry if i got your username wrong,
I have been supporting her through everything and i thought she was drinking etc because she was scared too but shes actually not scared, when she said about smoking i asked her why and she acted
like smoking cigarettes/marijuana and drinking alcohol was no big deal at all etc

@tiltednewt
Yes i quite obviously realise her baby isnt mine because if it was mine i wouldnt be filling it with poison 🙄

For all those who say how can i know what is going on physically with her baby, my grandmother is her midwife

Your grandmother gave you confidential information about one of her patients?

@Bottomlyp0tts
Sorry i havent made it clear enough
She is drinking a huge amount, wine and spirits and she takes pictures of herself partying. Its really sad. But i cant stop her and her mom had been cut off by her.

Well done working out the @ function on your first post though.

@Bottomlyp0tts
Also: my grandmother is her nurse. Thats how i know and she has been told about the cleft palate and basically joked about it and told the midwifery that they are stupid and her boy is obviously laughing

@sparklyuggs
I have mentioned stuff to my friend but she believes that substances are harmless and doesnt want to listen to anyone.
Can u report someone who is pregnant i thought u can only report once the baby is born?

So your grandmother is her midwife and breaching confidentiality by discussing her patients with you?

Is that right OP?
Your grandmother is risking her job by discussing her patient's care with you?
Do you live in a really small town or something? Its quite unusual for someone's grandmother to be their best friend's mw. Is she the only one available?

It is really sad what's going on with your friend. But you being devastated about this is perhaps a hangover from your own bereavement. I wonder if you have had any counselling? And whether that might help you to unravel your feelings about friend and your feelings about your own loss and subsequent decisions.

So does your friend know that her midwife is sharing personal medical information with all and sundry? That seems a huge risk for your grandmother to take, given the litigious nature of healthcare in the U.S.

Mrs DV isn't the only one to find your posts offensive btw. You're certainly hitting a lot of contentious topics... Miscarriage (and fault), genetic diseases (and ethics), birth defects, smoking, drinking and drugs in pregnancy...

I presume your grandmother is aware of your friend's hard partying lifestyle, so will be taking the appropriate measures as a health professional?

I too am finding it very odd that your grandmother is discussing this stuff with you...

If your grandmother is worried and a professional I imagine she is taking the necessary steps around your friend

Thank you for clarifying OP. I'm really not sure why so many posters assumed that you were diagnosing a cleft palate yourself and were getting hysterical over the odd glass of wine.

What your friend is doing is very reckless and is putting herself and her baby at risk of serious harm.

You can make a report to children's services but are you absolutely certain? I'm also concerned that your grandmother is breaching confidentiality.

For all those who say how can i know what is going on physically with her baby, my grandmother is her midwife, my friend has been told about her baby having cleft palette and she told her midwifery team that they were being stupid and that he obviously is just 'laughing'

She could be sacked for sharing such confidential information.