Telling your family pre-12 weeks

[mummabubs]

Hi everyone, new member and first topic I've posted but couldn't find another thread asking about this...

This is my first pregnancy and I'm 5 weeks today. My husband and I live 150 miles away from either of our families, so only see them about every 4-6 weeks. My youngest sister is flying out to Australia next week (no return flight booked as she might be out there a while) and we're very close. Husband and I are going home to visit our families weekend (would be 5+6 by the time I see them). As time goes by I'm feeling more strongly that I want to tell them this weekend. Although I'm naturally scared of miscarriage in this early stage, I feel that if I did miscarry it would be easier for me to talk about it if my family had already known I was pregnant. (My first visit to the GP today asking for reassurance resulted in him responding that more than one in three miscarry, which I'm not convinced is correct as NHS website says one in six, but it sufficiently terrified me). I also feel strongly that as much as it would be nice to wait and have a scan pic and the security of waiting 12 weeks I'd find it really hard to tell my sister by text or Skype and not be able to be with her when we share the news. Husband is supportive in me wanting to tell people early, as long as his family are told at the same time too he's ok with it.

So I was wondering: for those who did decide to share their news earlier than the traditional 12 weeks, how many weeks were you, what was that experience like and would you choose to do that again? Pros/ cons etc. Thanks all xx

I told my DP's parents and my Mum when we found out at around 4-5w. Oddly our best friends 'knew' before we did so they were told as well (I implanted on my birthday, and we had a party a few days later and I was totally off my usual staple of wine and steak).

I did confide in a work colleague around the 6-7w mark as I was so anxious and tired, not to mention nauseous that I really wanted someone that I trusted to know in case I was unwell.

As for everyone else - some friends were told around weeks 10/11 and everyone else was after the 12 week scan - I wanted to wait until then as I'd had bleeding in early pregnancy. We also told my DP's son at 12 weeks, just in case.

With all four of my pregnancies, I've told friends and family early. One ended in an early miscarriage. I'm currently 32 weeks with DC3. Just the same as everyone else, the decision was made about on balance, if I'd rather people knew or not if something went wrong.

Re the doctor's advice about a miscarriage happening with no control from you...I think it is probably helpful advice because it's true - with early miscarriages, if it's not a viable pregnancy, the body deals with it. Which is awful to think about but there's really nothing you can do or not do to prevent it. There's an element of no control for the woman - she desperately wants to be able to do something to prevent it but equally, nothing she did would have caused it either. Acceptance of this can be hard but also kind of freeing too. We can so easily fall into "if I hadn't had that coffee" or "if I had eaten better" ways of thinking when really there is no blame to be found.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Today you are pregnant

We would prefer to wait until we saw a heartbeat on a scan before we say anything to anyone.

That said, I had an early loss this month (at 5+3) and it would have been really nice to have been able to talk it out with someone who wasn't my husband...

We told our family at 5 weeks. Yes there may be risks involved but them knowing was also good for support just incase. Luckily ours didn't end in miscarriage and our family were with us though the majority of the pregnancy.

We told our immediate families before the 12 weeks but didn't announce to friends until after 12 weeks.

First pregnancy told family straight away, we had our DD and all was well.
Second pregnancy, told family early again, had a miscarriage at 10 wks. Was glad people knew to be honest.
Third pregnancy waited until after the 12 wk scan as I didn't want my insensitive mil going on about it. Had DS no issues.
There is no right or wrong obviously as to when and how you tell family and friends, just do what you feel is right for you and goodluck with everything!

I would tell close family but no one else. The theory to me is if something bad happened you would need family support anyway. Tell them and have a party!

I didn't feel right not telling my close family straight away when I found out. I never thought about doing anything else.
12 weeks is by no means a guarantee to a baby in your arms. I hate this idea that people decide not to tell anyone until it's safe. A loss can happen at anytime, so just tell people when you want to tell someone.

I've had several miscarriages and would suggest telling close family who could help you if the worst happened, but no one who it would be hard to "un-tell". For no other reason than when it happened, every time I needed some support but equally did not want to have to tell people I had a loss. Even the one of my relatives had stupid old fashioned ideas and kept suggesting things I had done wrong ... so I became even more selective.

So I'd say yes tell some people but not everyone.

I told my family pretty much as soon as I found out! And I had to tell my work as soon as too as I work where x rays are taken x

White but at 12 weeks the risk generally drops from 20-15% to 4-2% (ballpark figures. I know all the risks at all the points off by heart sadly - although was lucky enough to have fortightly scans with my rainbow and have my risks re-calculated). There IS a logic behind it in terms of most people's risk.
Mind you I didn't tell anyone outside close family until it was very very obvious. But I told my "support network" immediately.

Draylon in terms of support after loss, I wouldn't just consider emotional support. One of my losses DID require A&E (as in require it, not being over cautious). Another required surgery followed by 6 months follow up at Charing Cross oncology. Possibly outing myself as having the most bizarre collection of rare complications ever ... The junior Dr kept shaking his head and saying "it can't be... not both in the same patient in a year...". Yikes.
It's another element to it - sadly by then I was an experienced miscarrier if such a person exists and could cope, but I did need someone physically as well as mentally on side.

Although equally with my rainbows birth I had about 3 or 4 hours of excruciating pain with no warning (I had a midwife check me the morning of the labour and told me I was a week off - booked an induction). So reliable back up is useful in good experiences too!

I've had 6 MCs now, one before DS and 5 in the last year and a bit. I have got to the point where I really really need support so tell close family, friends and a couple of key people at work as soon as I get a bfp. They tend to be mmcs that require termination and at least a day off so quite hard to hide when you are feeling wobbly.

But I am in the 1% of women who go through this, it is most likely you will have a lovely healthy baby. I think the advice on here is good, tell people you want to know and whose support you need. And go with what your gut is telling you, only you know how you feel about it.

Congratulations, it is an exciting and magical time

Our first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 6 weeks, after telling family at 5 weeks. I found it hard to process when everyone was involved in my grieving process. We went on to have a further 6 miscarriages, however this was due to a medical condition that I was unaware of. Our next pregnancy we waited until after we had an early scan, at 8 weeks, to tell family and we went on to safely have a little boy. I am now pregnant again, had an 8 week scan today, and we plan to tell our family at the weekend. I say do what you feel is best for you. There is no right or wrong. Congratulations xx

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I've miscarried and felt upset I hadn't told people. So I can understand that side of it. Definitely there are things to be said for it.

I told my close family and friends about 7 weeks i told work straight away with my first as i was being monitored to make sure it was a viable pregnancy. Most others i waited until 12 weeks. With my second i told a few people between 7 to 10 weeks but had a bad feeling about this one but i am quite willing to discuss things of it was to turn out bad news. My baby unfortunately didn't grow properly and has passed away i found out at 12 weeks but i will tell people if they ask why I'm not at work the reason why even if they didn't know i was pregnant. You do what you want to do. If i got pregnant again I'd still tell some people early.

I found out I was pregnant on a Thursday at 5weeks. That Sunday happened to be Father's Day so we told our parents on Father's Day.
We knew it was early, and did have some problems early on and some reassurance scans which showed everything to be fine but I was relieved to be able to talk to my mum and MIL about it.
Also told my manager the day after I found out because I was already feeling rough before knowing I was pregnant.
You have to do what feels right for you - congratulations!

YOu can only do what is right for you. I had an unknown pregnancy that ended in mc (light bleeding for 3 weeks then a big bleed) after checking dates later I must have been about 8-10 weeks pregnant so only my DH and I knew about that one and I didn't feel the need to tell DPs after the fact. DH and I supported each other. I think I was just "it wasn't meant to be".
I fell pregnant the next month and we chose not to tell anyone and sadly miscarried at 8 weeks again. Again my DH and I were our own support but this time A few other friends had found out (one saw us going into mat wing to get scan) and I found it really difficult to talk about it to anyone other than DH without getting over emotional (was much more in control with just DH and I) about it so as we live 100+ miles away from parents we didn't tell them.
I fell pregnant 2 months Later and I would have chosen to keep it secret (for as long as possible) but DH felt once we got to 12 weeks it was 'safe'. Clearly that's not always the case but luckily enough this one was a healthy pregnancy and we went on to have DS.
I didn't talk about my mc openly until 2-3 years ago. I don't shy away from talking about it but I felt that I didn't need to talk about it either. It was a personal issue that I dealt with my own way.

I told my parents and my SIL the day I found out - less than 4 weeks since I was temping and had 100 pregnancy tests so was having lots of fun testing far earlier than most people do.

I had to tell work when I was 6 weeks as I had hyperemesis and was horribly sick from 5th week onwards.

Given my employer tried to fire me because of my being pregnant (they stated as much, I sued and won my case), I now advise friends to tell their work as soon as they possibly can - once they have the letter, you are in a protected position.

My first pregnancy ended in a miscarraige which my family knew about with my second I was very happy to become pregnant again I told my family pretty much straight away. I did wait til the 12 week scan before I shared it with most people.
Know I'm pregnant again I'm in no rush to tell distant family yet but my mum and sisters know :)

squizita, I know that but it's the way the safe term is banded around as if it's some magical switch that makes everything OK. I lost a baby due to birth complications at 3 days old. I had to do that announcement that no one wants to do so at no point in my pregnancy would there have been a safe time to announce. I announce my rainbow pregnancy asap as I wanted the world to know about her however long she was with us. I wanted to celebrate her life however long it was. Luckily she is now a funny 5 year old.

I have two children and had 3 miscarriages. I also had fertility treatment and got whoever I was on shift with to do my injections for me.

I also had HG before a positive test on both my successful pregnancies. In fact I threw up on my ward at 3weeks 6days with ds2 during ward round and so everyone found out at the same time as me that it worked!

No privacy surrounding my pregnancies!

I had IVF, so my line manager knew straight away at 4 weeks as he'd known it was test day (because of needing time off for the clinic blood test); likewise both our parents. I was bleeding off and on from 6 weeks and I chose to tell close colleagues at that point, both that I was pregnant and that there was a 50/50 chance of miscarrying. Knowing they were prepped to cover my urgent work if I went off sick, removed a major source of stress.

I couldn't imagine having kept either the pregnancy or a MC secret, but that was what was right for me. Go with whatever your gut says is right for you.

Congratulations and good luck! Remember, today you are pregnant.