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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Following on from mother in laws.....what about mothers???

31 replies

onebigmumma · 23/02/2007 08:52

I have just finished reading a previous thread about MIL's coming to stay as soon as your baby arrives home.....completely understand that everyone agrees that this is unacceptable but what about this....

I am living abroad and really looking forward to the birth of our first child due around 6th April...only six weeks to go!!

My Mum has booked her flights already - arriving on 25th March and leaving around a month later....I am becoming more and more worried that this is not a good idea (didn't get much of a say anyway!!) and that it should be a time for just me, husband and baby.....

Has anyone else had to 'put up & shut up' or have they spoken out and said 'NOOOOO!'and then been the evil daughter?!!

Oh, what to do!!???

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

TheBlonde · 23/02/2007 08:59

What if your baby is late?
Are you up to having a guest for the last weeks of pg?

Bodkin · 23/02/2007 09:11

Oh I wish I had been the evil daughter and said stay away! My mum came to stay a few days after DD was born (just as the 3 day blues were hitting actually) and it was just awful (the MIL also visited at the same time and they are two very different people, so that added to the stress). Found her to be of no use whatsoever, I think she just thought she was here for a jolly, a few nice dinners cooked for her, popping out to the pub for drinks of an evening, smoking like a trooper (outside at least, but kept putting the fag buts in the kitchen bin, yeuch, what a grim stink when you've got a new baby in the house)... I ended up virtually rugby tackling her to the floor in a rage after one particulary stressful evening and told her she had better go. Things haven't really been the same since . Am due in July, and this time I will just have daytime visitors only for the first few weeks (no overnighters).

Sorry to be so negative, but having a baby can change the dynamic of the relationship with your mum, and unless yours is fantastically helpful and sensitive, a month sounds like a looooonnnnnggggg time!

edam · 23/02/2007 09:20

I fell out with my mum and my sisters after ds was born precisely because of the all staying in the same house thing - family rows are just so much more likely under all that pressure of new baby + all occupying the same space. Sadly. Actually my family fell out with dh but it offended and hurt me too, IYSWIM. Took about six months to make up with mother and one sister (littlest one wasn't that pissed off, it turned out, just led astray by the other one).

Hope your experience is better but I'd politely suggest some ground rules and persuade her to go out every day so you get some time to yourselves.

kiwinat · 23/02/2007 09:21

I'm from abroad and my mum wanted to fly in and be here for the birth in June. I told her millions of women give birth everyday, I think I can manage with just DH and me. I asked her to delay and come over a month after the event instead when we are hopefully in a routine and have had a chance to adjust alone as a family. She agreed to that almost graciously!

Juicylucytoo · 23/02/2007 09:24

How close are you to your mum? How "useful" is she. Is she a doer - is she sensitive to it being your place, your baby etc, etc. I think only you can know if your mum will be sensitive to your needs and whether she will be more hinderance or help.

I am due end of May and my Mum has left it up to me to decide when and for how long she should come. My DH will be home for the first 8 weeks, so it's very much open.

However, my sister didn't have my mum to stay for her first baby, but by the time she was ready for her second she booked my mum in for a 2 week stay!! - Depends very much on what your relationship to your mum is like and how easily you can call the shots. If you think it'll be more stress than comfort, maybe you should book her a few nights away somewhere scenic!! Good luck.

AngharadGoldenhand · 23/02/2007 09:29

My mum visited every day after I gave birth to my first baby. Every flipping day!

I eventually burst into tears when her car pulled up outside and the midwife (who happened to be there at the time) had a quiet word with her.

It might be ok if you already have a good relationship (make that very good) with your mum.
I'd see/ring my mum about every 2 weeks before I had kids and it seemed to suit both of us. She just went OTT afterwards.

Pruni · 23/02/2007 09:34

Message withdrawn

puppydavies · 23/02/2007 09:58

my mum came to stay after dp had finished his paternity leave, when i really did appreciate an extra pair of hands. maybe you could suggest this as an alternative?

personally i cannot believe how f'in thoughtless and selfish some parents/inlaws are when it comes to visiting new babies/parents.

Uki · 23/02/2007 09:58

intresting thread i spoke to my friend today, who gave birth about three weeks ago to her second. Her mum was there at the time, and she said she comes over every day. i just thought "oh wow, my mum would drive me nuts, and it would be awfully banal sitting with her and baby each day". but i also thought "how nice" she must get on really well with her mum, and i think she does.

So i guess it just depends

onebigmumma-i think you do have a say, she could change flight and come later, shorter whatever you want it is up to you.
When my ds was born i enjoyed it being just dh, baby and I at night, it felt so cosy, but i did get a little lonely during the day. It's hard to have both when os though, can she even stay in a hotel for a few nights after birth so you can be alone?

Crocky · 23/02/2007 10:04

My mother was at the birth of ds and stayed for five days after he was born. She was at my house but asleep when dd was born and again stayed for five days. Dh delayed his leave and had time off when she went home.
My mum lives three hundres miles away so doesn't get to see the kids as much as we would all like.
I have to say that she was an absolute godsend and i loved having her there for those few days. But she is a very practical woman so would do all the cooking and cleaning and nipping out to the shops for me.

AngharadGoldenhand · 23/02/2007 10:06

JuicyLucyToo and Crocky - I think you've hit the nail on the head with how your posts about useful or practical mothers. If you've got one of those, then it's got to help.

Unfortunately mine is the sitting down, holding on to the baby while you make more tea, type.

maveta · 23/02/2007 10:09

I was the evil daughter.. but then my mum lives quite near me and STILL wanted to come and stay for a month. I just said No. NO. NO NONONONONONONONO. She was offended but didn't really say anything to me, I just knew she was. But it blew over and I'm just glad I was honest, even at the risk of hurting her feelings. it's a sensitive time and I'd have probably been more hurtful if I'd waited til I was sleep deprived and emotional to confront her!

I still think she'll come over everyday but I am anticipating that happening and will ask her to give us some space to be a new family together and wait til dh has gone back to work when, to be honest, I'll probably appreciate her stopping for a cuppa and checking in on me.

That, or I just won't answer the door....

SweetyDarling · 23/02/2007 10:58

I'm due in August and my Mum is coming over about 2 weeks before hand and staying about a month afterwaqrds. Luckily she has lots of friends in the UK so she won't be staying with me the whole time and if things get tense she can always make herself scarce for a while. She's a real doer though and brilliant with babies, so should be quite useful to have around when things get tough!
Hopefully she will be as sensetive as I think she will be, otherwise I will not hesitate to be the evil daughter!

MaeWest · 23/02/2007 11:09

I have one of the practical ones, we also get on pretty well (well now, not when I was a mardy teenager). She left it up to me, but I asked her to come and stay for the birth as I thought she would be good support for me and DH. She came a few days before my due date and did lots of cleaning and cooking, as well as ferrying me around to my antenatal yoga, NCT meet-up etc. Given that I was due in July's heatwave last year and she has a/c in her car, this was marvellous .

She was there for the birth (DS born at home) and was fantastically supportive, but not pushy. DH and I had plenty of time with DS and then my mum dressed him when I was being checked over. She then helped me into the bath and went out to the supermarket and bought us tasty food. She went home after a few days as she felt it was important for us to be alone together as a family. Which we were for about 24 hrs until the in-laws turned up, but that's a whole other story....

As others have said, depends on your relationship with your mum. And you do have a say in this, just be clear about what help you will need. Good luck for April.

midnightexpress · 23/02/2007 11:14

Is there a possibility that she could come, but stay elsewhere? Probably difficult for a month I guess, but that's what my mum did and it worked fine.

As others have said, lots depends on whether she's up for waiting on you hand and foot, cooking, cleaning and making herself scarce from time to time. If i were you I'd maybe lay down some ground rules before she comes and ask her what she'll be doing to help out.

LieselVentouse · 23/02/2007 12:03

One thing Ive realised about pregnancy/childbirth is that your MIl (no matter how nice before) turns into the spawn of hell and your mother (no matter how annoying before) becomes a saint

pollyanna · 23/02/2007 12:08

my mother was pretty useless as well tbh. She came and stayed with me for 2 weeks after each baby was born, and it was very clear she was just there to see the baby not to help/support me. dh used to get home from work and she would ask him what was for dinner . I wish I had hired a doula tbh.

She did clean the house alot though

GillL · 23/02/2007 13:28

I think it really depends what your mum is like. My mum didn't stay at my house but did come round a few times after dd was born and she was a godsend. She did washing up and looked after dd so we could go back to bed for a couple of hours. I would love her to stay over for the next one but I wouldn't really want to get used to having the extra help as it would be a shock when she left. Mum is planning to take a week off work after this one is born and it is such a relief that she will be able to come round to help again.

Bodkin · 23/02/2007 13:35

That's funny Liesel - I found exactly the reverse!!!

lynniep · 23/02/2007 14:47

Oh I posted on that previous thread - my mum (long story - but I barely know her) is coming here (UK) from USA 2 days before my due date and gave me no choice in the matter i.e booked flights without checking first. I said they couldnt stay with us, and following a bit of 'guilt trip' conversation with her 'oh, dont you want me to see my first grandchild?' she then did a turnaround and apologised for bothering me, asked me to post hotel details (which I did) and has failed to contact me since. They're(her and step-dad) due to land next Thursday and I have no idea what they're planning to do. Part of me wants to ring and find out what the heck is going on. (Have no email contact, has to be on the phone) The other part just can't be ared. I'm nearly 39 weeks pregnant and frankly I'm pi*ed off that I have to fret about what they're doing when our first baby is about to arrive. Ooh sorry, needed to rant there. I am going to have to ring this weekend if she doesn't contact me, I'm just not looking forward to it. I can't have them jut turning up on the doorstep. Arrgh!

Bensonbluebird · 23/02/2007 15:14

A month is a long time to have anyone to stay, whether they are a doer or useless, whether you get on with them or not, whether they are your mother or your MIL, whether you live in a rabbit hutch or a mansion (well maybe not if you had a spare wing you could put them in).

I think you are absolutely right to want some time to yourselves to get to know your baby, and like people said on the other thread, having someone under your feet for that long could seriously damage your relationship. Probably better to be honest now and risk offending her than to wait until she comes and fall out bigtime. If you want an excuse though you could say that you are worried that the baby is going to be late and that she will have hardly any time to get to know her grandchild so perhaps it would be better to come later when the baby will defo have arrived?

albertson · 23/02/2007 15:25

Im with bodkin, complete reverse experience to liesel. I asked my mother to come and stay for a few weeks after dd was born, as her mother had done the same when I was born and to this day goes on about how we bonded (and I am definitely the favourite grandchild). My mum adores her other grandchildren and I thought she'd be a godsend, in fact she just made everything even more difficult than it was already. She did help a bit, cooking and was sweet to dd, but most of the time she sat around reading her book and fussing because she wanted to watch desperate housewives and couldn't find the remote and on the phone to her mates who live in London arranging to visit them. There was a very bad vibe between her and dp (who admittedly was being a pain in the arse fussing non stop about dd being too hot) and it made the whole situation so tense and stressful. If I asked her to do something like clean, she'd sulk. I was recovering from a c section under general anaesthetic and a v traumatic stay in hospital and it nearly drove me to breaking point. Interestingly, sil then told me mum had always been useless with her kids as babies too, though she is great with them now and been a terrible house guest never lifting a finger. It made me view her in a very different light and was all rather emotional - don't think I'll ever really recover from the shift in our relationship, I certainly wasn't expecting that as well as a new baby. Anyway, then mil came for her shift and was incredible, I'd been a bit reluctant to have her, but she came into her own cooking, cleaning, baking, taking dd out for long walks so I could sleep (my mum wouldn't do this, though to be fair she does have a bad back) and really getting me back on my feet. She ended up staying for five weeks and definitely saved me from some kind of breakdown. So as all the others say, invite the doers to stay because you will need them esp if the birth is at all tough, and get the non doers to visit a few months on when you are on your feet.
Am six months pg now and for this baby I've asked for mil to come for first few weeks and my mum a bit later - typically mum sulked at first at this, but now keeps ringing and saying "do you mind if I don't come this weekend only I want to go to the theatre" and basically if I have another tough birth and she doesn't pull her weight I shall just have to hurt her feelings and blow the bank balance and get a maternity nurse. Good luck whatever you decide!

morocco · 23/02/2007 15:36

it worked out fab for me, my mum flew out just after I had em c section, arrived just as I was in tears over bf debacle and got to work calming me down and showing me how to relax enough to get bf established. there were tricky moments, my mum is quite opinionated and so am I so when we didn't agree on some baby stuff it ws a bit fraught. but we usually get on well and she's actually rented a house round the corner for the arrival of the latest one in 2 weeks time. it's great - she can take the kids off for a bit every day, help with shopping etc.
don't suppose your mums flights are flexible? you could ask her to wait and see how you feel? or book her a little holiday somewhere as a'treat' to say thanks - that could take up a few days mid trip?

bumperlicious · 23/02/2007 18:11

My mum is pretty unpredictable, so I have no idea how she is going to be. She's either going to be brilliant or we are seriously going to fall out!
I asked her to be there for the birth, and thought she' be dead chuffed and she just went "oh, well, I don't know...". Hopefully she will be there though, but not sure about the staying afterwards, my mum doesn't like staying away from home so I don't think it will be a problem. She is also a child psychotherapist, which means that sometimes she can come out with real gems and be brill but sometimes I just want to strangle her. I think she also has quite a leaning towards attachment parenting, so I can see us falling out somewhere along the line...
Onebigmama, you sound like you have already decided what you want, can you just ask that she delays her flights for a couple of weeks? From the horror stories I've read on here, a brief period of her being miffed at you for asking that is nothing compared with the rift if she comes over before you are ready!

WestCountryLass · 23/02/2007 21:16

My Mum was all up for coming as soon as I had my babies but I put her off until they were at least a month old.

My Mum is one of those that tries too hard and so makes you feel awkward/uncomfortable in your own home (asking every time she wanted a cup of tea, asking how you wanted veg/meat cut up if she was helping with dinner - just do it!).

After a month, DH had gone back to work, I had got into a routine of sorts with the kids and it was nice to see her. Any sooner and I would have killed her!

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