considering termination, pls help

[TTC1985]

Hi all

I'm at a loss, I don't know where else to turn.

I'm 15 weeks and have been SO happy about this planned pregnancy, but this week a stark realisation has been laid out and I'm crying all the time. The baby's father is a gay friend who donated sperm under the terms that he is not expected to contribute etc in any way, this was MY dream. 21yrs to 31yrs I have had no relationships, no sex, possibly due to childhood trauma, so "waiting for a man" was/is not an option. I was sure I could do this alone, always wanted a family, tough and resilient, but I'm simply not going to be able to afford this child and I'm heartbroken to think that the best thing might be termination. For mine and the baby's sake.

Carrying on would change my life from professional, London 31 year old...to unemployed, single before I'm likely to get council help. Plus universal credit is "much less generous and rolling out to you in a year if not before, so you will have quite a bit to make up shortfall". FROM WHERE? My borough and all around won't even pay my full rent as it is, and I will "have to be homeless" with my newborn, cat, furniture, possessions etc before I'm likely to get council help. Plus universal credit is ""much less generous and rolling out to you in a year if not before, so you will have quite a bit to make up shortfall...". From where? Not to mention the latest cuts in the news. I could move elsewhere outside London, but don't have money to move, what little help i have is here, and frankly who will take a single pregnant woman with a cat about to go on DSS?

There is no chance of family help, no chance of fathers help.

I am so ready for a child in all other ways and if I had a million quid I'd do it in a second. But how can I carry on, knowing I will struggle to put food on the table for years? Possibly their whole life? Forget buying a house, forget a career, much less working full time at a job that can work around school hours and that will pay what I need.

I have a good job now, but cannot afford to go back even part time because of child care costs.

I spoke briefly to parents about the situation after learning all the financial details are changing drastically from what I initially counted on, and they said "well, you wanted to be in this position...". I didn't even tell them I'm considering abortion.

No, I don't want to be in this position, big benefit changes have happened, scuppering my chance to even get started, and telling me I asked for this doesn't help me when I'm between such a terrible rock and hard place. I can't stop crying and can't seem to be calm enough to decide without hormones interfering.

I feel ashamed, and deep sadness that what started as a dream has now come crashing down.

Never expected to have to live forever on benefits, I wanted to go back to work when possible and make my own way again. Now I can't even get through my maternity leave without becoming homeless.

I don't know what to do.

What size is your flat btw? If you're set on staying in London perhaps you could downsize.

S/he won't need a room for a good while.

The SIDS advice is to keep the baby in the same room as you till 6 months.

And then if you end up sharing a bed or a room you may have her in with you till sje''s about 2 anyway. I did.

One great advantage you have is no partner feeling pushed out of the bed, so you can cosleep or share a room as long as is right for you both.

You could easily have a 1 bed or even a studio for quite some time.

I'm not sure where you live in London or what the Gingerbread advice was, but the fact that Universal Credit is rolling out soon doesn't necessarily mean it will affect you for some years.

Until last month it was only available to single claimants instead of Jobseeker's Allowance. As a replacement for Child Tax Credits, it didn't come in for anyone until last month, I think, and then only in very limited places. Unfortunately some of them are in London.

However if are in an area where it has not rolled out by the time your baby is born, you should be left on Child Tax Credits until some time between 2019 and 2022 as they transfer existing claimants. If, at any point, you cease claiming, or your circumstances change in such a way as to trigger a new claim, you would be put onto Universal Credit. But if you were looking for a way to budget for a few years until free nursery, etc., kicks in, Tax Credits may still be an option for you.

This page seems to list the areas where the family claims are rolling out this year:

(apologies - hit enter too soon)

Here's the link:

www.turn2us.org.uk/Benefit-guides/Universal-Credit-timetable/Universal-Credit-roll-out-2016-2017#guide-content

Perhaps you could remain in London but move to smaller accommodation somewhere outside those areas if you currently live in one of them?

One thing I can't get my head around is eligibility for tax credits being based on the previous year's income.

When I fill in the online 'what am I eligible for' with the details that will be correct once I am on maternity leave, it says that I will receive £39 a month tax credits. Of course, if I was still earning £30k a year that would be fine, but I won't - my income will drop from £30k to the £139 a week Statutory Maternity Pay.

Is there any way to get benefits calculated on your actual income rather than the previous year's?

(Of course, I know that I should be saving this year and I really am doing my best, but £30k doesn't go that far when you're paying a mortgage, council tax, utilities etc. all on a single income).

I hope you don't mind me hijacking the thread OP, but as we are in the same boat, this question will affect you too!

Yes, if your income has dropped you can have your award assessed on the current year instead of the previous year.

Tax Credits have an income disregard of £2,500 per year. That means if your income drops or rises by less than £2,500 in a year, they will calculate your award based on 15/16. If your income changes by more than that amount, they will base it on 16/17 instead. But - if they do it based on 16/17, they will either add or subtract £2,500 from the final figure they use to simulate the disregard. Ugh, that sounds confusing. Here's an example.

Your income drops from £30,000 a year to £20,000. That's a drop of £10,000. For the purposes of Tax Credits calculations, though, they'll treat it as a drop of £7,500 and assess you on an income of £22,500 for the year. If the reverse were true, and you went from £20,000 to £30,000, they'd only treat it as a £7,500 increase and award you based on an annual income of £27,500.

Hope that makes sense. What you need to do is contact HMRC to report a change in circumstances and explain your income will be much lower. I'm not sure what evidence of income they'll need to process it, but they should be able to recalculate your award and you should get more per month.

As a general note, it's always worth doing this when your income goes up too (as I would assume it would the following year if you go back to work), so you don't end up with them coming after you for an overpayment. Always get the name of the person you speak to and make a note of the date and time. You may need to ask them to provide phone records to prove that you did, in fact, inform them of your change of income. They're overworked and notorious for not processing things correctly and then coming back and trying to blame the claimant.

Thanks so much for your very helpful answer Mads.

Once I'm on maternity leave I'm planning to visit CAB to see what advice they can give me but it's useful to have an idea in advance of what I may be eligible for.

I was once considering this question but then I thought this baby may grow up and not even like me may move to the other side of the world but without a good reason otherwise it's got a right to its life. Do you have a good reason for the termination? Health wise for yourself or the baby .I think that's the key question.

If you need to, you can go back to work very early think it's 6 weeks at most places so if living off your mat pay is impossible that would be an option. Look into different sorts of child care, you might find a nanny share or something similar is cheaper than nursery. Look into childcare vouchers from your work too, might make it more affordable. Start talking to your hr dept now about what options are available for when you do return to work, they may be open to a flexible working pattern i.e. Some of your hours could be worked in The evening when baby is asleep. Fingers crossed it all works out for you.

Sooz - there are a lot of reasons other than health to have a termination.

Can you move up north I know it might sound like a cliche but property's so much cheaper if you can get a job transfer. Once you get over the first couple of years the childcare vouchers are being increased I think they are 30 hours now.it may seem hard at first but he or she'll be at school before you know it.

I'm so glad you've decided against abortion OP!
It's a tough journey ahead, however it's a journey so many people wish they were currently on.....enjoy your pregnancy and your baby!
Don't ever rely on the government!
If I did that as to whether I'd ever have kids, I wouldn't be pregnant now! I am entitled to nothing more than maternity allowance & child benefit, however once maternity allowance ends, I have to go back to work and somehow fund my child to be cared for by someone else, which will actually cost me my whole pay packet each week! The thought is daunting, however I will cross that bridge when I come to it....for now, I'm excited to meet my baby! Good luck xx

Midnight - while I agree that wholesale relying on continuing government support in these changing times is not wise (and to some may be ethically distasteful, although that's not my personal stance), if you are entitled to only Maternity Allowance, I would be surprised if you were not entitled to either some level of Universal Credit or Tax Credits to help with childcare. I would certainly think it worth speaking to your local CAB or other advice organisation to investigate your options.

If you are forced to give up employment due to childcare issues, even if you are in an area where UC has rolled out, you should still be able to claim enough to subsist (although - especially in London - housing costs may complicate this even if you are eligible for housing benefit). As the lone parent of a young child, the work-seeking requirements would be non-existent or extremely limited until the child reached school age. Although assistance with child care costs would be available immediately should you find a suitable job. UC is not as generous as tax credits to those in work (one of the reasons I feel it fails the government's mandate of "making work pay") but for those without income, I believe it's in the same ballpark.

Again - I am not advocating for you to pack in your job if at all avoidable. Being at the mercy of a tenuous benefits system in an era of rising inflation is not a situation I would wish on anyone, nor one I suspect many would choose given a viable alternative. But I also don't think there's any shame in seeing what you're entitled to and using that information to plan wisely. Caring for a young child puts constraints on your availability to work that are both temporary and reasonable and government assistance during that period - considering you are providing a new citizen who will in turn grow up to pay tax and contribute to society - is, I think, a perfectly fair exchange.

Also, good luck! I hope your childcare issues resolve even if it turns out you are not eligible for any assistance.

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling more positive and seeking support, OP.

On a related note, however, and linked to a PP who mentioned that the baby's father might want to be more involved one day: do you have a proper document drawn up detailing the terms of his sperm donation, to protect you both? I ask because this could have financial implications. Will you name him on the birth certificate (legally granting him parental responsibility)? Will you tell your child his/her paternity? It's really important that this is decided and drawn up now, before the baby arrives.

Wishing you all the best.

Op what do you do in medical publishing? IOP publishing are short of freelance copy editors.

ioppublishingcareers.org/vacancies/5691/freelance_copyeditors/

I know this is not what you agreed with baby's dad but you might have to claim child maintenance to get through and he will just have to accept it. Legally I don't think he can decide not to contribute financially as you didn't do it through as sperm bank. Perhaps someone more knowledgeable could confirm this?

You can do it OP.

I also wonder if the father will want to help when he meets the child? The child has the right to know its father I think.