considering termination, pls help

[TTC1985]

Hi all

I'm at a loss, I don't know where else to turn.

I'm 15 weeks and have been SO happy about this planned pregnancy, but this week a stark realisation has been laid out and I'm crying all the time. The baby's father is a gay friend who donated sperm under the terms that he is not expected to contribute etc in any way, this was MY dream. 21yrs to 31yrs I have had no relationships, no sex, possibly due to childhood trauma, so "waiting for a man" was/is not an option. I was sure I could do this alone, always wanted a family, tough and resilient, but I'm simply not going to be able to afford this child and I'm heartbroken to think that the best thing might be termination. For mine and the baby's sake.

Carrying on would change my life from professional, London 31 year old...to unemployed, single before I'm likely to get council help. Plus universal credit is "much less generous and rolling out to you in a year if not before, so you will have quite a bit to make up shortfall". FROM WHERE? My borough and all around won't even pay my full rent as it is, and I will "have to be homeless" with my newborn, cat, furniture, possessions etc before I'm likely to get council help. Plus universal credit is ""much less generous and rolling out to you in a year if not before, so you will have quite a bit to make up shortfall...". From where? Not to mention the latest cuts in the news. I could move elsewhere outside London, but don't have money to move, what little help i have is here, and frankly who will take a single pregnant woman with a cat about to go on DSS?

There is no chance of family help, no chance of fathers help.

I am so ready for a child in all other ways and if I had a million quid I'd do it in a second. But how can I carry on, knowing I will struggle to put food on the table for years? Possibly their whole life? Forget buying a house, forget a career, much less working full time at a job that can work around school hours and that will pay what I need.

I have a good job now, but cannot afford to go back even part time because of child care costs.

I spoke briefly to parents about the situation after learning all the financial details are changing drastically from what I initially counted on, and they said "well, you wanted to be in this position...". I didn't even tell them I'm considering abortion.

No, I don't want to be in this position, big benefit changes have happened, scuppering my chance to even get started, and telling me I asked for this doesn't help me when I'm between such a terrible rock and hard place. I can't stop crying and can't seem to be calm enough to decide without hormones interfering.

I feel ashamed, and deep sadness that what started as a dream has now come crashing down.

Never expected to have to live forever on benefits, I wanted to go back to work when possible and make my own way again. Now I can't even get through my maternity leave without becoming homeless.

I don't know what to do.

Honestly thank you so much, and thanks to all.

Wow these hormones are no joke huh??

OP, you are in a fortunate position to be pregnant. Please do not terminate this pregnancy based on your current worries. Don't assume that you will be able to get pregnant again easily in future.

I, like you, am single and pregnant through my own choice. I have had fertility treatment with donor sperm. I, like you, did my calculations at a time when benefits were more generous and when I could have easily made ends meet for the first couple of years on what I would have received.

My situation is slightly better than yours in that I own my house with a very cheap mortgage, so my housing costs are about as low as they could be in the South East. But I have paid nearly £5000 for fertility treatment this year which has eaten into any savings I would have otherwise had.
I do not have free regular childcare lined up as my parents are 300 miles away. Having said that I have always felt anyway that if I make the decision to have a child on my own that this shouldn't be dependent on anyone providing childcare anyway.

I also work in publishing and as well as my employed job I set up a freelance business 18 months ago for the sole purpose of developing a job for myself that I can do around looking after a child without having to fork out for 10 hours a day childcare in order to commute and work in London. Is there medical publishing work available on a freelance basis? I also typeset on a freelance basis as well as a few other things in my field (music) so that all my eggs aren't in one basket.

I am concerned about my financial situation, but I know that I will somehow muddle through. The first six months, existing on maternity pay, will be the hardest as the money coming in won't quite cover my basic outgoings but looking after a baby needn't be expensive. We need to eat well (so that we can breastfeed) and nappies cost money, but aside from that babies are cheap! There are free baby groups in my community so I won't be depriving my baby of a social life down to having no money.

Once I'm working, things will be fine though I'll never be well off. But as long as I can afford for my child to do an after school activity or two and go on school trips, then that is enough. Children do not need money to be happy.

I have a plan B which is to move up North if my finances really can't cope. I will earn the same there for my freelance work and the cost of living is cheaper.

Don't despair - you'll work it out! Try to maximise your time working by taking on the most lucrative jobs that you can.

I've wittered here, and I don't know how much of it is useful but I just want you to know that you're not alone.

I was in your situation.

I got pregnant by my fiancé who turned out to be already married and ditched me the second he found out I was pregnant. He was very upfront that he would have nothing to do with the child ever.

I had no family or friends to support me so I terminated.

Not a day goes by that I don't regret that termination.

BUT- I now how am amazing husband and 3 year old. Who I wouldn't have if I'd carried on with the pregnancy.

So I have no real advice to give. Just that you need to be very, very, very sure it's what you want.

And that things will work out whichever path you choose, there isn't a right or wrong path. You will be sad and suffer both ways and at the same time good things will come from both choices.

Hugs to you at this heartbreaking time. X

I now have an amazing husband not am!

And even in a happy marriage with secure finances I had a lot of wobbles when pregnant. Hormones indeed.

Don't panic. Yes help is less generous but you will get by. Like others have said, think outside the box and try to treat it as an adventure.

Just some ideas to get you thinking-

• could you house share with another single mum/family to a) make rent cheaper b) share childcare?

• have you fully investigated all childcare reducing schemes like vouchers etc?

• could you find a different job in a cheaper area, ideally one with lots of families you could meet

• could you see if there is any charity based help like church or voluntary group (baby bank) who could kit you out ready for baby

• could you come clean to your parents/siblings/close friends how worried you are? Would they help practically e.g childcare if not financially?

You can do this.

You have loads of transferable skills that are wanted in lots of areas. You really can do this!

Just two thoughts off the top of my head: I was reading in here a week or so ago, about working from home for a car hire company (I think it was Enterprise), and I think there are more and more jobs like this available, eg doing the online chat/support for online retailers. I know somebody who does this for Heathrow too. Tha advantage is that you don't waste 2 hours a day (and money) commuting, and hours can be flexible. Similarly, my acupuncturist has a virtual PA. the acupuncturist is in London, while the PA is in Wales! All work is done remotely via phone and online.

Also, have you got your jewellery in all the outlets it could be? Online things like Etsy? Have you approached shops to stock it, etc? Could you teach others to make jewellery? Or rub craft lessons for kids?

Just a few ideas late on a Friday! Will see if I can think of more.

Oh, and earlier I meant to give for you. I wonder if your childhood trauma is feeding into your fears and fuelling the panic a bit? Did you ever receive therapy for this?

It is true that the new benefit changes means massive cuts. I first read about it on here. It could mean you'd have to move out of London. The way it is not, people should not rely on benefits at all and see what they can do from there (before kids). As I know singke, childless people with low paid jobs will be struggling soon too. It is quite scary but you need to find out how much you will get from someone who understands the chances. Most people probably don't know how bad the cuts are to people who really need it.

OP, you can find a way through this. Not much immediate help but in time could you child mind? A friend who worked long hours had a child minder who looked after her own child alongside friend's.

I probably should not say this but maybe in time the father will want to be involved.

Is it also possible that your parents are doing the whole ''Ll made your bed you lie in it' as one of those 'teach you a kesson' things that some parents seem to need to do from time to time, and that they'll come good in the end -be that financially, practically or emotionally? I think you got into panic zone and NOTHING adds up when you're in panic zone lol.

And well done to anyone who can actually decipher my post!

Thanks so much all!! This morning I do feel refreshed and better about it all

I can definitely make this work, I just have to be a bit creative. Great idea about working from home in online jobs I will look into that now and see if I can set something up.

Perhaps my family/father will come around when the baby is here, but I didn't think I'd need to rely on them.

These changes really are brutal, and what would have been a temporary measure is now not am option so I have to just find another!

It sounds like your MH isn't too good at the moment (depression and anxiety, your childhood trauma), suggest you seek some help with that, as it could be affecting, for example, your worries about money.

You have a job at present so will get some maternity pay? That's good. While on mat leave you might be able to move and perhaps get a new job (and cheaper childcare) outside London, for example.

I bought a child up on the breadline, it's never as bad as it seems as long as you have some friends to help you.
It seems daunting and it's hard but my son is 34 now and we have a great relationship. I went back to work when he was school age. I was a nurse so it was easy to fit around his needs.
You can do extra study, do a degree while your baby is still young, there are so many options.
Talk to everyone you can from social services to Citizens advice, to LIFE charities, I'm not into them becasue I am pro choice but they often have hostels you can live in that are a start so you can concentrate on your baby while you plan what to do.
A nursing colleague of mine has just had a baby alone, she lives in Worthing and has everything paid for in benefits, flat etc.
Don't do anything rash.

Also don't worry about owning your own place, if you own your own place you often don't qualify for any help.
I believe in one day at a time mentality - get through one day at a time, do lots of research and don't think what if or I should have that by this age.
Decide what is more important to you to have, a lovely child or meanigless possessions.

Hi op, I conceived in a similar way to you and, like you getting pregnant was a real leap of faith. Consequently, I fretted and stressed about every detail all through pregnancy and found that every worry was magnified by hormones and lack of sleep. My boy is four now and I would not change him for the world. Yes it is tough at times but you hold on to the good times and keep going. You sound like a resourceful woman, you are not trapped in your current job. I'd start looking at other jobs you can do outside of London. Find a cheap area to live and buy a nice little 2 bed house/flat rather than trying to maintain a single girl's London lifestyle which is impossible as a single mum.
Good luck and keep us posted about your plans.

Oh also meant to say regarding your parents offering a little help then withdrawing it, my parents helped with the mat leave (I was given the wrong information about mat leave pay and ended up in a mess) on a long term loan basis. Payments to start when I was more settled and at a rate a found affordable. I'm still paying and will finish in 2019 but this has been quite manageable.
Would your parents or the father help in this way perhaps? Even if they can't GIVE you the money?
Things do get financially easier once the child is school age, plus you should get the 30 free childcare hours at 3 now?

I'm so pleased you are feeling more positive

I'm glad you are going to talk to someone op. I think panics like this are normal. I certainly had a massive one about money and our wages only dropped slightly from what we had at the start.

I really do think you should consider moving out of London, you dont realise what crazy money you are paying until you live somewhere cheaper. You can join NCT groups etc and make friends in a new town. Seems better than constantly fearing homelessness.

Are your parents retired? Would they consider helping with childcare to allow you to return to work part time?
They might be being difficult now but I can imagine they will soften once their little grandchild arrives.

Good to see you're feeling more positive.

Your issues are practical ones and there are practicals solutions out there.

Keep posting, the collective wisdom of mumsnet should have decent practical solutions for you to consider.

Everyone is right, looking at it now I can't believe I considered abandoning the pregnancy. I can find a way to make this work, panic and hormones really skew your perspective!!!

It will be difficult for a while but I am a skilled worker, resourceful, hard working, and I'll find my feet again thank you all

That's right! Glad to hear you're being more rational. You are a professional independent woman with the potential to earn good money. You are healthy and capable of work unlike some people, you have a lot of freedom and choices and will surely find a way to make things work.

I must say that, for the above reasons, I found your original post quite confusing. It seemed strange for you to be planning your medium term future on benefits rather than earning much better money yourself. And it was also strange why it seemed like you were totally alone in the world. As a single mum you will need to get family and friends involved and you will need to rely on people, that might be difficult for you if you are independent but the reality is you will have to get used to it. It also appeared to me to be rather extreme to be considering terminating a planned and wanted pregnancy for those reasons. Sorry, I'm not meaning to be harsh, just saying how it looks from an outsiders point of view. But it sounds like you are feeling a bit calmer and positive so good luck making a plan.