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Positive advice needed! 2 potential fathers so confused :( :(

56 replies

Jmarie2016 · 28/10/2016 09:05

Hi everyone this is my first post so apologies if it's in the wrong place..

To cut a long story short my LMP was 10th September. That weekend I had 'full sex' with my long term partner everyday, then again the following weekend of the 16th September everyday.

However the week following on the 23rd, I had sex with A another. He did not come inside of me. (Sorry-TMI!!)

I then went back to my partner the following week of the 30th. So that leaves me with one week possibility where the baby could be A another's.

My LMP calculates that the baby was likely to be conceived on the weekend I spent with A another. So I went for a scan and (naughtily) never told them my LMP thinking they'd base my conception on the size of the baby???

This puts me at 6w+3 which falls between two weekends I spent with my partner. How accurate is this? Because I was on my period for the first weekend can I conceive then? Does the early dating scan automatically add 2 weeks of pregnancy and I'm actually only 4W+3? Or does that only count if you calculate from LMP?

I am so ashamed and upset with myself for this issue and I really have no idea what to do or anyone to turn to :( if anyone has any advice I'd be so grateful :(

Thank you, J x

OP posts:

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 29/10/2016 15:56

OP the midwives will ask you about domestic violence in your booking in appointment. The safety of your baby and you are their priority. His behaviour cannot be rectified and neither should you try, you need to put your baby first and stay well away from him. Violence often gets worse during pregnancy. It is never acceptable.


LHilton4981 · 29/10/2016 19:04

Hi Jmarie,

I was with someone who also had a violent temper, violent being; smashing the place up, happened in a restaurant once, thrown stuff at me. All examples to control me physically & emotionally. I'd say to people "he 'only' shoves me, that's all". One time I didn't tell people that he kicked me out of bed & I hit my face on the bedside table. I was with him 7 years. However much you love that person because when they're nice, they make you feel amazing. The ups & downs of that sort of relationship are not worth it. Please believe me.

I could never have imagined being pregnant in that sort of relationship, the mix of hormones that makes your moods out of your control would be too much with someone like that around you. Father to be or not. So if a 'shove' leads to more in the heat of rage, it will be detrimental to you, your body & more importantly the baby.

Do you have family around you?
No one can say to you, leave this man because you will decide what you want at the end of the day & at the moment I imagine you're scared of continuing this pregnancy alone x


LHilton4981 · 29/10/2016 19:09

I might add, I'm 25 so that relationship took up 7 years of my young life that I won't get back. Don't stick up for him or give any reasoning for his actions x


Jmarie2016 · 29/10/2016 19:21

The other guy is aware of the situation as he is someone I'm close to and get along with. He's also very different to my partner in many ways and seems to be more understanding and accepting of this situation. He will provide a DNA for me once the baby is born.

I'm worried that if I tell my partner he will A. Become violent as someone mentioned or B. Deny the child and leave me with a child that actually has a 50% chance of being his - even once he learns this if it is so. :(

I currently live away from home as I moved for university so my family are around 80 miles away but they are supportive. They do not know about my partners violent streak though.

LHilton4981 thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. It makes me question if things will change and I definitely cannot see them changing. I need to get away for the baby's sake. I'm just so scared of getting away and being alone not knowing what to do and he continuously tells me I'll be a terrible mother if I'm anything like mine (alcoholic who did not care about me or my siblings) however I am absolutely nothing like her. He also tells me I'm spitting the baby by not staying with him and the baby will grow up without their father...

OP posts:

Jmarie2016 · 29/10/2016 19:28

I'd also like to add...

Although this baby wasn't planned and wasn't conceived within a healthy normal relationship I still very much love the baby already. I know people are probably screaming out to their screens that it's all very clear and I should get an abortion but I just couldn't bring myself to do it :( I admit I should have been more careful but this is the hand I've been dealt now and I'd like the best solution to move forward and raise a healthy happy child

OP posts:

pontificationcentral · 29/10/2016 19:38

You need to be taking some serious advice about raising a child as a single parent. Why on earth would you have got back together with a violent loser?
For your sake I would hope he isn't the father, and I would commend getting away from him right now by telling him it isn't his child. At least that way you aren't tied to violence and misery for life. Would you want to inflict that sort of father on your child?
Are you hoping that if the child is A's you can have an actual relationship with him?
I also got pregnant using the withdrawal method. It's pretty much a guarantee tbh.
I am slightly confused though - if you had your period after you slept with A, unless it was an implantation bleed and not a period, the baby is violent long term partner's.
I actually would recommend an abortion, unless you can take steps to get rid of your partner. Which is unlikely now you have told him you are of, and he is already escalating in his demands and opinions of your body and his rights.


pontificationcentral · 29/10/2016 19:39

You are actually in a very dangerous position. I would recommend WA advice as well. There really isn't going to be a happy ever after with this guy as a dad.


maybethedayafter · 29/10/2016 19:47

Do you have your booking appointment arranged? You will be asked to provide a urine sample and when I gave mine there was like a little hatch you had to leave it in and a note inside the toilet (female only) that said if you are experiencing DV and don't feel you can say there was some kind of code you could use. I can't remember what it was but it was something about the way you left your sample, maybe with a different lid or something. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that this is something midwives are used to dealing with and are usually very sensitive. They know that dads like to attend the appointments but there has always been a small window of opportunity where I would have been able to speak on my own if I wanted to, either leaving the sample or getting weighed or something. If you do want help to leave that will be your opportunity to ask for it.


ImperialBlether · 29/10/2016 19:52

You have your life ahead of you. If you have this baby you will suffer the consequences from your violent partner - either when he finds out or thinks he's found out it's not his, or when you cross him one time too many. You really ought to be thinking about whether to continue with the pregnancy. You have no idea how difficult your life is going to be otherwise.


Leopard12 · 29/10/2016 20:10

I'm confused you didn't want a baby and have had an abortion before but repeatedly had unprotected sex with your partner Hmm Based on the fact he came multiple times I'd say more likely its his but it really could be either and I agree with the pps that you need to get out of there.


Azure83 · 29/10/2016 20:31

Jmarie I can't imagine how stressful this situation is for you, however, it is clear from the updates you posted that the issue isn't 'who's the dad' but the fact the relationship with your current partner bears many hallmarks of domestic violence and your partner is displaying many 'classic' DV behaviours. As some mentioned already, DV often gets worse during pregnancy and after you've had the baby, as the man feels out of control and not a centre of your attention anymore. Also, he is NOT going to change, however many time he apologises and promises.

Please find a safe space and call Refuge on 0808 2000 247. They are best placed to give you advice on what steps you can/should be taking right now.

I apologise if my post is a bit blunt, I don't mean to upset you or anyone else reading but your and your child's safety are the most important issue here.


Sunshineonacloudyday · 29/10/2016 20:42

If you remain in that violent relationship ss will get involved and remove your child. How much support do you have around you.


LHilton4981 · 29/10/2016 20:42

Good to know that A is someone you know & has been understanding. Obviously you'll never be sure unless you have a DNA but I agree that although the baby could be your LTP's, for now it is best to be away from him. And as hard as it is, completely shut off anything he says about you being a bad mother etc. He'll say anything to bring you down.

Also you needn't explain about you loving your child already.. I too am pregnant (26.3 weeks) but nearly aborted at 6 weeks thinking it would be the right thing to do because the father is someone my ex boyfriend knows. we'd been dating for nearly a year in secret due to my ex's temper & not knowing what he may do about us being together. But not aborting has been the best decision & my ex luckily didn't know where I'd moved to.

Please keep yourself safe either way.

I didn't tell my family about my ex's temper either & when I finally told them, it was the biggest weight off my shoulders & ive had nothing but support since. May be messy to begin with, but will be the best thing you do.



LondonRoo · 30/10/2016 11:10

The priority must be your safety and baby's safety so please get advice from a DV organisation before doing anything. The most dangerous time for you is when you leave your partner and I imagine telling him the baby may not be his is another highly likely trigger for aggressive behaviour.

You don't need to worry about whether he is willing to do a DNA test. The CSA can insist on it and he can be required to pay you CSA money after baby is born. Worry about that later.



LondonRoo · 30/10/2016 11:14

Also... You're not a bad mother. Protecting yourself and your baby is exactly what bring a mum is about. And congratulations on your pregnancy.... I really do hope that if you do what's needed now and get yourself safe that this can be the start of a new and happy period in your life.


BastardGoDarkly · 30/10/2016 16:00

Nobody is screaming 'have an abortion' at their screens I'm sure. You can definitely do this alone, millions of women do it.

If you want practical advice, on how to move out, get away, then mn is the place.

Could you go to your parents for a while? Tell them the whole truth, and let them help and support you?


Bawbles · 02/11/2016 07:47

Hi OP, how are you doing now?

Just to echo what others have said, if he's abusive now it will not get better. Don't stay with him just because you are scared to be alone. You can be an amazing single parent.


Penny123455 · 18/01/2018 08:31

Help needed!

Hi everyone.

I'm really having a difficult time at the moment and it's really starting to affect me mentally. My last menstrual period was 27 July (28 day cycle) my app told me I was ovulating on 9th August and that's when we had sex early that morning. I had cramping pains that day. On Saturday morning from being out with friends I ended up round an older man's house not knowing what had happened to me and I think he had sex with me. I have had an private ultrasound that put conception date on August 8 and August 9 and my NHS scans that put conception date on August 9 too. It has affected me that much I did a prenatal paternity test in Canada where I got a 99.9 percent that my current partner is the father. Is there anyone that can advise me as I'm 25 weeks now and it's really affecting me as a person and I feel like I can't carry on


Peke26 · 16/05/2020 11:33

Hi. Jmarie216. I’m in the same situation who’s baby did it turn out to be? :(


Peke26 · 16/05/2020 11:38

Penny!!! Was the prenatal test accurate? I’m in the situation and had prenatal paternity test done but I’m still very stressed. I’m wondering life after baby was delivered should I trust the test?


MichelleOR84 · 16/05/2020 13:03

I’m currently pregnant and only had sex once the whole month . It was on my period . I was in complete disbelief. I must have ovulated early and maybe I did but weirdly at my 12 week scan my pregnancy was measuring right on track as though I ovulated as normal 🤷‍♀️

I also know you can definitely get pregnant by the pull out method/man doesn’t cum inside .

There is no way of knowing until you do a dna test 😔

Sorry you are going through this


MichelleOR84 · 16/05/2020 13:07

@Jmarie2016 I’ve just been reading some of your posts . I promise you , nobody is judging you !!! But please speak to someone about the violence!!!!!!!!


EarlGreyT · 16/05/2020 14:55



MichelleOR84 · 16/05/2020 15:43


Oh nooo! This is really old ! Oops 🙊


Peke26 · 22/05/2020 06:33

@MichelleOR84 hey Michelle! I did a prenatal paternity test from Alphabiolabs and the potential father was excluded which is good because he wasn’t my partner but now I’m still paranoid as my pregnancy gets further along. 😔😔😔

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