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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My husband doesn't want our baby

62 replies

onecrazycook · 24/08/2016 23:56

My Husband is very unhappy about my pregnancy (6 weeks). He didn't speak to me for 4 days once I told him (as if I had planned the pregnancy- I absolutely did not), and now he's swinging between moody and ignoring the issue.

We are in a bit of a situation where our landlord defaulted on his mortgage so we are living with his parents until we sort out somewhere to live, so the timing is not the best, but his primary focus seems to be how determined he is that his life will not change and he can still go the football with his mates etc. He's going on about not being able to afford a child. Every time I mention I feel a bit unwell he says that "this is no good" and asks me if I'm sure I want to keep it.

I'm stressed and upset because I never imagined he'd be like this Sad he's 40 ffs.
I'm 39 and I won't get another opportunity.

This was wholly unplanned and we never actually really wanted children but I can't believe he would act like this now there's one on the way. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo1 · 26/08/2016 10:21

Does he think you missed your pill on purpose? Is that why he didn't speak to you for days after finding out?

Original poster
onecrazycook · 26/08/2016 12:18

Lucky I don't think he reckons I did it on purpose, I think he believes I missed a pill, which I didn't- genuinely.

Whatever happens we will NOT be living with his parents when baby comes. We will have to rent a new place. There's no way I'd expect them to have us with a new baby. And if that means I have to go it alone then I suppose that's what I'll have to do. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
onecrazycook · 27/08/2016 08:40

Here's a weird thing too. I forgot about it till it happened again last night. He can't understand why I won't have a drink and says I can "have a couple" and I'm taking this too seriously. Like, he's annoyed in not drinking! Bizarre

OP posts:
JudyCoolibar · 27/08/2016 08:48

He sounds like someone who was reasonably clear that he didn't want kids. He has other priorities and interests which he clearly enjoys. And financial you're not in a good position to have the extra costs of a baby, maternity leave,childcare costs etc.

If that were the situation he should have had the vasectomy and/or worn a condom. It's known that the pill isn't 100%, and he's wrong to assume this could only have happened because you failed to take one. He has to realise that contraception is as much his responsibility as OP's, and if he really thought pregnancy would be such a disaster he should have had the snip.

He's also pretty irresponsible to be spending so much on football if you're supposed to be saving for a house. I suspect if he's that obsessive he's also got the overpriced scarf/kit etc, and is spending a lot of money on travel. At 40 he really should have grown up a bit and shouldn't be in a situation where he is dependent on his parents for accommodation.

Evergreen17 · 27/08/2016 08:53

Mmmhh OP this is a tricky one for me.
On one hand well yes you expect your DH to be supportive.
On the other hand it seems that you guys had agreed on no children and you said about the accident thing you two would be ok but lets face it, how likely is it to have an accident past 35 and on the pill (I am someone that has been through the joys of TTC at that age) and you did suggest to him that he got a vasectomy so I dont blame him to be surprised and shock, I bet you must have been too!

So I think I don't think he is a twat, just someone that had planned a life and maybe yes I bit selfish.

I also think that you said no kids but now seem happy about this, congratulations btw Smile

With this, I think that if you want the child then you might have to plan for yourself. Because it might not come to that but you cant think for him atm. Just do what will make you happy because that is what he is doing as well.

Tricky, very tricky sorry OP

RaeSkywalker · 27/08/2016 08:54

I think you need robe prepared to go it alone here OP. If I were you, I'd be making it clear that he needs to make a decision either way and stick to it. And needs to decide soon.

I'm assuming from your posts that you've decided to have the baby regardless?

RaeSkywalker · 27/08/2016 08:55

That should be "to be", not "robe" 🙄

Evergreen17 · 27/08/2016 08:55

Judy you might be right but when I was on the pill / patch with DP he never wore condom since pill is like 99% and condom like 97%, I mean who does both when with a regular sexual partner?

Evergreen17 · 27/08/2016 08:57

To clarify, I am not saying that it is the womans responsibility only, God forbid, just that it is understandable that he would be shocked

Whatsername17 · 27/08/2016 09:30

All I can say to you op is that having this baby will not ruin your life. It changes things, but doesn't ruin it. My dh still goes to the football - he has a season ticket. Dd and I bought him champions league tickets for his birthday. I go to yoga. I still go out with friends, as does dh and we have date nights. In fact, date nights have been a regular thing since dd was born. In the early days it was a take away or M&S meal deal with wine. I understand your dhs shock and upset. But, he needs to get a little perspective and find out what having kids is really about. If you choose to continue with this pregnancy you are going to hear a lot of absolute bollocks. 'You will never sleep again' bollocks- my dd is 5 and sleeps in until 8-9am every weekend. Before that, we alternated getting up with her to give the other a lie in. 'You will never have any money'. Bollocks. Yes, childcare is expensive, but you cut your cloth accordingly. Your dh said 'if it happened we will be fine'. Well it has happened. Id sit down and talk to him now about moving forward. Try and get across to him that you understand his worries, that BOTH of you will still get to do the things that you want. Id agree that his football will still be his thing. Believe me, when you work full time, a few hours a week just you and your kid is heavenly. Try and break it down in to small steps for him. Remember, it's instant and instinctual for a woman- we are invested, protective and bonded from the moment we pee on the test. It's different for a man. Even my dh, who had been badgering me for a second baby for two years, was devestated by our loss at 13 weeks last year, even he panicked a bit about practical things. Tell him you need the moodiness to stop. He can't punish you because that isn't fair. Step 1 is to find a place to live. Push him to be more proactive about that. It is tangible and achieveable. Don't make it about finding somewhere to live 'for the baby'. It's for all of you. Take each step as it comes. Good luck to you. Flowers

ConvincingLiar · 28/08/2016 08:07

How do you think his parents would react if they knew? Might that spur him on to growing up a bit?

microferret · 28/08/2016 08:18

If he didn't want a baby, he should have got the snip.

He's being a total selfish prick - making you responsible for what has happened when he could have avoided it by having a vasectomy. What is it with men and their obsessive refusal to take any responsibility for preventing a pregnancy? Their bloody penises always come first. And now he's being an unsupportive knob to you when you're suffering from morning sickness (which is the absolute worst). Dickhead.

JudyCoolibar · 28/08/2016 11:53

Evergreen, I agree that people don't normally do both the pill and condoms. But the point is that if a man is so adamant that he doesn't want children, then he shouldn't leave it to his partner to mess up her body with hormonal contraception that isn't 100% reliable anyway.

MyCatIsSparticus · 28/08/2016 11:59

He does realise that you don't get an ignore option yes? So if you want this baby you need to tell him to sort it out or leave

CalmItKermitt · 28/08/2016 12:09

I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the suggestion that you buy a team kit for the baby 🙄

What? So this absolute twat of a bloke is more likely to embrace fatherhood? "Well I didn't want a baby but now I realise you can dress them up as little footballers - what fun!!" 🙄

AyeAmarok · 28/08/2016 12:11

He sounds like a total prick. I hope when the baby gets here he's suitably ashamed of himself.

NewIdeasToday · 28/08/2016 12:45

I just don't understand why people think he should be ashamed.

From the OP is sounds like he has consistently said he didn't want kids. And the OP agreed. So why should he suddenly be expected to be overjoyed at being a father when he never wanted to. And it sounds like it will be a financial struggle.

This is one of the biggest decisions you'll ever make. Why is someone a twat because a decision he'd made with the OP is now in doubt? There are options and it really doesn't make sense to have a kid if you don't want one.

JudyCoolibar · 28/08/2016 13:47

But he hasn't really consistently said he didn't want kids. What OP says about that is "we always said that neither of us were that keen on having kids, but if one came along it would be fine." Plus when he had the chance to put it out of the question completely by having a vasectomy, he wouldn't do it.

LondonGirl83 · 28/08/2016 17:59

I agree with newIdeas. I don't think people at 39 and 40 using contraception after 7 years of marriage are sending any mixed messages about wanting children. He clearly did not and does not want children. Being asked and saying 'no' and then being asked 'what if we had an accident' and saying 'I guess we'd make it work' is not saying you want kids.

The OP clearly had more mixed feelings about the decision not to have children given she has no mixed feelings about the pregnancy itself, which is fine.

However, I respect people who don't want children. Its a huge sacrifice and recognising its not for you doesn't make you a bad person. Also, being devastated by an unwanted pregnancy (whether you are a woman or a man) does not make you a bad person.

That's why I've said to the OP that she needs to be prepared to go it alone (emotionally-- legally and financially he will always have certain responsibilities). Being in such different places about this could easily end their marriage. There is no way to make someone want a child. He doesn't sound like a man well suited to fatherhood.

Its a difficult situation but beyond failing to take his fertility into his own hands (which he could have done), I don't think either of them have necessarily done anything wrong.

LondonGirl83 · 28/08/2016 18:03

I know people (married people) who have had unwanted pregnancies and usually both people react as the OP's DH (including the woman). Sometimes they've kept the baby and others have terminated the pregnancy. Either way, I understand her DH's reaction as within the normal realm of truly unwanted pregnancy. Maybe that's why I don't think he is a total twat.

Original poster
onecrazycook · 30/08/2016 15:05

As time has moved on he has mellowed a little in that he's kind of accepted that this had is coming. We even had a "girls names" discussion on sunday.

He is still constantly reminding me of all the things I won't be doing once baby comes, however: Sunday lie ins; impromptu dinners out; dancing classes etc as if I'm not aware my life will change dramatically.

OP posts:
Original poster
onecrazycook · 30/08/2016 15:05

Had?? CHILD!

OP posts:
microferret · 30/08/2016 15:36

That's good news OP. I hope things work out. You just have to remind him that if he really didn't want a baby he could have had the snip and make sure he doesn't hold onto this misplaced resentment he's putting on you.

Original poster
onecrazycook · 30/08/2016 16:22

I had a dream last night I wears feeding triplets (they belonged to a woman with 26 kids, not me) so I hope that's not a sign because I cannot imagine how that shot would go down

ConfusedConfusedConfused

OP posts:
Whatsername17 · 30/08/2016 17:18

Don't give up on the hope of a Sunday lie in. You might not have one for a while, but they do come back again! Promise!

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