Why do so many parents try and freak pregnant, first-time-mums out?

[BabyBumpHopeful]

I realised today that all I seem to hear from other parents since becoming pregnant is, essentially, how much it sucks to be a parent. Sure, it's hidden as a "joke" or a "funny anecdote" but seriously, quit it.

I hate coffee. A friend, mother of 2, immediately comments about how will I'll need caffeine once that baby is here and that baby sleep deprivation is like no other (I have a sleeping disorder so shitty/no sleep is no stranger to me and I guarantee it's worse because it's unending).

Another friend had to show me a photo of one of the times her kids did something awful (one of many times, her children are being assessed) "aren't you excited you'll get to deal with this soon!" with a laugh.

That's just 2 instances, there are many many more (and it's usually a variation on sleep deprivation or being poor or shitty behaviour). I don't get it because I'm not sure what they're trying to accomplish. Do you think FTMs are stupid and don't realise it's going to be hard? Do you think that telling us the negatives is helpful? It's not, it's a bit like shutting the gate after the horse has bolted. Do you get some sort of perverse joy out of scaring someone who is probably already freaking the frick out as their body changes and they think about their life changes? Is this some sort of parental hazing?

Instead, may I suggest trying constructive negative comments?

• Sometimes the nights might seem hard but their smile makes it worth it.
• If you ever want to talk about anything or need advice, you know where I am
• Don't be afraid to ask someone for help because we were all first timers once!

I want to say this to my friends but of course they'll just claim I'm nuts, or that I took it wrong, or they were trying to be helpful or something so I just grit my teeth but I just want to scream ALL BABIES ARE DIFFERENT AND MILEAGE MAY VARY SO TRYING TO FREAK ME OUT JUST MAKES ME THINK YOU'RE AN ARSEHOLE!

p.s. and yes, I am freaking out so it's really not helping when I'm already genuinely concerned for my risk of PND given my history of depression and I'm trying to remain positive but it's been a weepy week and it's just making it that much worse.

Ps OP: chums with children will be very useful to you as the months go on though. Resist the urge to kill/maim them for now x

Totally agree op. Im almost 12 weeks with twins and already fedup with the comments about how hard it will be with twins. Do people not think thats all ive bloody well thought about since i found out theres two? I have no idea how i would have coped with one let alone two. I have had quite a few good comments about twins being a blessing and how lovely that its twins to balance it out but still. I don't need to hear, unbidden, about how much my life will be turned upside down. Im already scared of losing myself and my own identity i dont need to hear how horrendous having a baby is.

OP I totally agree with you!

Why do these people insist on whinging on at us and trying to scare us?

Ok, it's going to be different to life before kids but if it was so shit as they make it sound all these kids would be up for adoption and they certainly wouldn't be having any further kids.

These people also think nothing of the struggle you have to actually get and stay pregnant either, all the people who said to us "think yourselves lucky you don't have any kids" or words to that effect over the 28 months of us trying were just as frustrating and left me in tears on a number of occasions. Why do people feel the need to comment?

We have a neighbour with a baby a few weeks old now, I'm having a section on 1st sept and all I'm hearing is how bad her section was, how bad the recovery is, how she is on so many painkillers (in my book ibuprofen and paracetamol don't count as pain killers), how baby woke at 5am and by 2pm still hasn't settled, they are getting no more than 5 hours sleep in any 24 hour period, how bad it will be as my dp won't be having the 2 weeks paternity leave and how I wont cope on my own, how I wont be able to drive for 6 weeks, won't be able to walk up and down the stairs etc etc.

Wtf, I'm now avoiding them like the plague as can't take any more negativity.

Oh, this happened all the way through her pregnancy too, wait until you get the heartburn, pains, can't put your socks on etc etc
So I know it's all total bullshit what they are going on about as I've managed to continue life as normal throughout pregnancy and have had my fair share of difficulties.

I don't think anyone could ever say the phrase "why did nobody tell me?" As negative stories is all I've heard since day 1 of people knowing.

Yes life will be very different, we will be really tired at times, we may well be lonely occasionally BUT I for one am going to enjoy every second, it's taken so long to get to this point, how dare people try to steal the excitement and enjoyment from us?

Rant over

Best of luck op, I'm sure you'll love every minute of it and the positive I'm taking from the whole experience is that I will not end up like one of these scaremongers

It's interesting how the same voices didn't warn me how much more difficult going from one to two would be. All I heard was comforting comments about how the second just 'slots right in'. How they are always easier and you just pop them here or pop them there.

Well fuck me that has not happened in my case. My second is a screaming, bawling boob monster. He will not sleep in his cot, he will not accept being put down, he is more demanding than my older DS ever knew how to be. He is gorgeous but a total nightmare and my life is currently very very hard.

Even the bloody HV convinced me all would be fine and easy. What fucking nonsense.

Maybe it's a child difficulty order of birth thing? The people who had clingy boob monster first babies feel the need to warn all pregnant women, but find the second manageable in comparison?

On another thread it was full of women who felt they had screwed up with their first but with subsequent children they were chilled and it went much better for them.

I was thoroughly chilled with my first and am a sleep deprived harridan with my second. I now have a toddler who nags, whinges and tantrums and a baby who screams, refuses to nap and wants to feed and be cuddled 24/7. It would have actually been much more successful for me if their personalities had appeared the other way around.

OP I'm totally with you. I'm also sick of reading articles that suggest being a mother is totally shit (eg www.the-pool.com/life/parenting-honestly/2016/28/despatches-from-the-school-gate-liz-dashwood-on-newborns).

I think it's like some sort of badge of honour. Of course no one can be fully prepared for a child, but I don't think it is the place of another parent to make out you've made some sort of mistake. Frankly, I'm apprehensive enough.

I try to ignore it, and see it as another form of unsolicited 'advice'. I have told myself that these people/articles are only capable of explaining the bad bits, because the immense joy that comes with being a parent is indescribable. --Plus that just wouldn't be cool--......

I do see where you're coming from op. I was very interested in hearing other people's varied experiences of different aspects of being a mum, but I used to get thoroughly fucked off by people who seemed to tell me stuff as though a) i hadn't realised b) their negative experience was the same for everyone and c) as though I was some pampered princess who had no idea of responsibility. And took great delight in telling me all the things I would no longer be able to do, despite the fact that for many parents those things are compatible with being a new mum.

I do think with hindsight it's partly because it tends to be frowned on for mothers to share the aspects/ experiences they personally didn't struggle with. So you hear just the negative experiences. If another mum was sharing her difficult birth/ bad sleeper/ exhaustion/ hard work toddler etc, then no matter how I phrased it, piping up to share my easy birth/ good sleeper/ general ease would never go down well. I could say (truthfully) that it was luck, but someone struggling doesn't want to hear that either. So first time pregnant mums only hear the bad experiences.

I can sympathise OP but I also understand why people do it... When you are a parent and maybe struggling with one aspect or another, being told by someone without children that they would do things differently etc. it can be incredibly patronising. Perhaps it's a way of venting their frustration too.

As a pp says, it's very frowned upon in parent circles to be telling people if you find it easy! No badge of honour for having a good sleeper/eater/well behaved child.

I can remember quite a few people launching into their horrific birth stories when I was first pregnant. I made absolutely sure I never discussed my birthes with either of my recent pregnant friends (they have since had their babies).

All I would say about your first birth experience, and I can only speak having had two VBACS. Is do your birth plan but expect flexibility. You just don't know how you are going to progress and how you are going to cope with the contractions. The midwives will be primarily wanting to make sure that you and the baby survive, so let them help you.

I do know what you mean. But I think it is so much better to talk and to warn people about the hard things than not. I felt (mentally and physically) awful during pregnancy. It was so much worse because everyone kept expecting me to be excited about being pregnant and I wasn't even though it was a desperately wanted pregnancy so I felt such stigma. And I also wish people had told me how hard the recovery from an EMCS could be (of course some people's are fine).

Honestly? All the stats show that happiness dips with the arrival of children and I my o back to their previous levels when they are leaving home.
Food for though isn't it?

The reality is that before having children, I thought like you. Surely having children is the best thing in the world. Their smiles make it worth it etc... All nice platitudes that you might or might NOT feel as a parent.
The reality (it's hard work and you will be worried for them all the time) is quite different.

Now would I have it any different? No. But what your friends are describing is the reality of being a parent. You might not have a child who has decided to smear poo/sudicream all over the bedroom. But you WILL worry and loose your rag and struggle and wish it woul all go away.

Go and look on the recent thread. There is a very very long thread about what makes parenthood so difficult. Read it and then see if that can be 'compensated' by a few smiles

Because you can't win. If you say negative or realistic things, you're accused of trying to scare first timers, or being a bad parent because you obviously hate it, or being insensitive to people who can't have children by complaining about the gift you've been blessed with. But if you say positive things you're smug, or naive, or not adequately preparing first timers for what it's REALLY like.

The truth is, all children, and all parents, and all experiences are different. Someone who says they found the newborn baby stage easy is not lying or being smug, they're just giving their experience of it. Someone who complains because their three year old still doesn't sleep isn't "undeserving of being a parent."

And btw, some parents will find the first few months easy. Good sleeper, no fuss baby.
I don't know if ANY patent who hasn't struggle at some point with their dcs in childhood/teenagehood.
Some seem to have an easy time with babies but have a nightmare with toddlerhood or teenagehood etc...

Your friends aren't trying to to make it harder than it is or make it a negative experience. It's THEIR experience and as such, you need to acknowledge it. Saying that they should have stopped at one child is telling for example.
Your experience is likely to be very different. You might find the first year easy or very hard. You might find childhood easier or harder. You'll see but judging them us t going to help tbh

They're not trying too freak you out. They are actually doing their best to hide their own post-baby trauma.

What you're hearing is the muted version.

But, it's fine. The love makes up for the trauma and the lack of sleep means you don't realise how traumatic it is anyway.

I didn't realise how constantly frightening it can be to parent two small things that are hell bent on harming themselves. As an adult you just accept you are unlikely to want to throw yourself in front of a fast moving car or hurl yourself out of a top window. But as an adult with small children you suddenly realise that most of what they want to do is fucking dangerous.

Put window locks on your top windows, blind cord safety catches if you have blinds, keep cots clear of stuff, don't hang anything from them or keep stuff in pockets etc, if you end up with a bolter put them on bloody reins, good quality stair gate, locks on kitchen cupboard doors. If you have UPVC front door that can be opened easily from inside put an extra catch on it. Any high furniture that can be pulled down, ie book cases, tall boys etc, make sure you have a strap keeping them to the wall. Get a video monitor so you can see them as well as hear them, keep small things out of reach as they are a choke hazard, lock up tablets and chemicals, teach them not to put things over their heads or around their necks, don't pick blackberries with them thinking your being all Alan Titchmarsh as then they'll go into the garden and start picking any old bloody berries and will potentially poison themselves
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This is parenting for me. If I can get them through the day alive I know I've done a good job. But I do have total kamikaze children.