Why do so many parents try and freak pregnant, first-time-mums out?

[BabyBumpHopeful]

I realised today that all I seem to hear from other parents since becoming pregnant is, essentially, how much it sucks to be a parent. Sure, it's hidden as a "joke" or a "funny anecdote" but seriously, quit it.

I hate coffee. A friend, mother of 2, immediately comments about how will I'll need caffeine once that baby is here and that baby sleep deprivation is like no other (I have a sleeping disorder so shitty/no sleep is no stranger to me and I guarantee it's worse because it's unending).

Another friend had to show me a photo of one of the times her kids did something awful (one of many times, her children are being assessed) "aren't you excited you'll get to deal with this soon!" with a laugh.

That's just 2 instances, there are many many more (and it's usually a variation on sleep deprivation or being poor or shitty behaviour). I don't get it because I'm not sure what they're trying to accomplish. Do you think FTMs are stupid and don't realise it's going to be hard? Do you think that telling us the negatives is helpful? It's not, it's a bit like shutting the gate after the horse has bolted. Do you get some sort of perverse joy out of scaring someone who is probably already freaking the frick out as their body changes and they think about their life changes? Is this some sort of parental hazing?

Instead, may I suggest trying constructive negative comments?

• Sometimes the nights might seem hard but their smile makes it worth it.
• If you ever want to talk about anything or need advice, you know where I am
• Don't be afraid to ask someone for help because we were all first timers once!

I want to say this to my friends but of course they'll just claim I'm nuts, or that I took it wrong, or they were trying to be helpful or something so I just grit my teeth but I just want to scream ALL BABIES ARE DIFFERENT AND MILEAGE MAY VARY SO TRYING TO FREAK ME OUT JUST MAKES ME THINK YOU'RE AN ARSEHOLE!

p.s. and yes, I am freaking out so it's really not helping when I'm already genuinely concerned for my risk of PND given my history of depression and I'm trying to remain positive but it's been a weepy week and it's just making it that much worse.

I know what you mean, OP. I had a shit pregnancy and people still did the "ooooh, just wait till the baby's here, you won't know what hit you!" thing, and it just made me utterly despair for the future. God, it gets worse than this? Why do people even have babies?

And then mine was born, and it was AMAZING. And I didn't have an easy baby! I had a pretty difficult baby compared to a lot of my friends. But I was floating on such a cloud of love and happiness and relief at not being pregnant any more - and it really was easier than being pregnant! - that all the tough stuff was bearable, and the joy more than made up for it.

I am still puzzled by all the people who have a baby and then say nobody warned them it was going to be difficult. Can I send you some of my friends and family? Because it felt like bloody EVERYBODY warned me, again and again and not even in a helpful way. ("You'll never sleep again, ha ha ha!" is not actually advice.)

I'm 26 weeks with DC1, and don't mind this too much. What I find really unhelpful is the horror stories about birth- I'm not stupid, I know what can go wrong. I've made sure I'm informed.

It's often men telling me about their partners and how bad it was for them- it just feels like they're trying to scare me. I wouldn't mind if they asked if I wanted to know, but they always start without warning. How exactly am I supposed to respond to this?

I think they are partly venting (we all need a good vent) about the hard parts.
For comparison:
The feeling of love for your dc is totally overwhelming
You are genuinely in a daze for the first few days/weeks and will spend lots of time just looking at the miricle you created
Every smile is like winning the lottery (even when it's wind)
When people comment they look like you it's amazing as to you they are the most beautiful baby on earth
Hearing their first giggle - wow!
Them falling asleep on your chest
When they do anything for the first time
The way your presence calms them
When they sleep that little bit longer than you expected!

All amazing things experienced (already and my dd is only 3mo)

I'm pregnant, and have heard a fair bit of this stuff. I think the thing to remember is that people give advice based on what they used not to know. So the people telling you these things are the people who were genuinely surprised they didn't get much sleep, etc, not the people with enough insight to work it out. You would think everyone would know babies are hard work, but some people are so oblivious. Here are two questions asked on the last day of my antenatal course:

"When do they sleep through the night, like a month in?"

"How long until they'll only want to feed three times a day?"

Sometimes there's an element of bullying, too, I think, a bit like how much joy people take in telling you your bump is absolutely huge. Whatever people are saying, you're right to keep in mind that they mostly have a sample of 1-2!

I'm with you on this one OP. Life with a newborn is what you make it. Like everything, there are good and bad bits. I didn't find it too bad, if you want a balance. Dd was premature and spent a month in hospital, which wasn't the best start to parenthood, but we survived it and the challenges it threw at us. It engulfed us, and bringing home our tiny little girl was overwhelming and a complete life change, but we just took each day for what it was. It was overwhelming at the time, but they were our experiences of our tiny human and we had to come up with our own solutions for them. The unsolicited - and often plain wrong - advice that started during pregnancy continued. Some gems from my mum: don't raise your arms above your head, that's bad, and if your baby's wakeful then do what I did and put baby rice in the bottle after 10 weeks (less if baby is big or arrived late).

As my dh put it, "if it's such a wonderful thing having children, why does nobody ever mention the good bits?" 25 weeks into my first pregnancy he had a huge moment of regret and panic which took a long time to move on from, and even though he loves our daughter dearly, that feeling of doubt is still lingering nearly 3 years later. He's constantly waiting for the next crappy parenting thing and, being a glass-half-empty person, is convinced that he's ruined his life.

Helpful advice is different from the often smug or semi joking comments about "oooh well, you know, life's never going to be the same again" or "say goodbye to your sleep now", etc (Usually said with a raised eyebrow, a knowing look, and very rarely qualified with any specifics about what that means.) If a single one of those comments had been backed up with an offer of help, or "this was really hard and this was what I did about it" then we might have learnt something instead of raising an eyebrow in return. Obviously things change immensely, and you're learning something challenging from scratch, but it doesn't have to be a miserable experience, as most friends/family implied to use. Lots of adult stuff is hard work and not particularly fun (if only someone had told me how much time, money and stress I would spend sorting out everything that was wrong with the "lovingly restored" house that I bought...), unfortunately we have to deal with the crap to get the good bits if that's the path we choose, but constantly being told how crap it's going to be doesn't always help.

Its because you think you know but you know nothing Jon snow

Seriously just suck it up and get used to it, you will have to get used to it every stage 'just wait until they walk then you'll know all about it' 'ha you think a toddlers hard wait til you have a teen' 'wait unto you have 2 then you will realise how easy you have it'

Its never ending

Do agree that you should read What Mothers Do, though - it's excellent

See I think people make flippant comments like you have described that are more patronising than helpful. They don't tell you about the real things that you need to know. When my best friend had her baby, she told me I was the only person, including her mum and sister, who was 'real' about motherhood. It is wonderful. The smiles, the first poo or fart even! You find yourself getting excited about the stupidest things. One of my favourite memories is of dh and days old dd sharing a bath and her craping all over him! Brilliant! Watching dh sing to her, dd sleeping on my chest, her smell, tgecway she turned her head when we spoke, the sound of her breathing, everything. It actually hurts your heart because you can't believe how much you love them.
My caution would be to keep your mind open about the things that are out of your control. The birth being one. The baby doesn't know your birth plan. My advice would be to have an idea but keep it general. You might end up with an emcs and not the zen waterbirth you had hoped for. It doesn't matter as long as you and the baby are safe and healthy. Try not to focus on how it happens and just accept that, one way or another, it will happen. Listen to the professionals. I know far too many mums who struggled because they felt like they'd failed because they had pain relief or didn't do things according to their plan. It honestly does not matter. It's the same with feeding and night feeding. I had lactation failure. GP diagnosed. I loved the sensation of breastfeeding. I felt like a failure when it didn't happen. But, five years down the line I have a perfect, healthy, clever, brilliant 5 year old. Formula isn't poison. It did the job when my body failed. This time, if I had to switch to formula again I'd do it willingly and guiltlessly. Night time wakings- you can't control how many times your baby wakes up so just accept they need to wake up to feed. Enjoy the snuggles and go with the flow. Dd dropped her feeds by herself and now but didn't sleep through until she was 2.5. She woke for milk once a night from 18 months until 2.5, before that it was twice a night, as a baby under 6 months it was 4 times a night. Feed and enjoy the snuggles. Get your dh to help. My dh used to do all feeds on a Friday so I could sleep and we'd share the others. Now, aged 5 my dd goes to bed at 7.30pm and, on a weekend, doesn't get up until 8am. I laugh in the face of all those who tell me that feeding through the night would create 'bad habits'. Other practical things: be prepared for crazy hormones. On day 4 after you have given birth you will have a weepy day. It's normal so embrace it. You might find thar you get really anxious about crazy things. Mine was bring car jacked after id out the baby in the car. Its normal to an extent because we are programmed to feel protective. If you have a girl, they will have a tiny bleed from their little girl bits about 24-48 hours after birth. This is your hormones and normal. Scared the crap out of me because I didn't know. If your baby gets colic (like mine did) and cries a lot, use colief. It is brilliant. If you get tired and emotional or struggle- that is normal. You will have crap days and then days when you just do not think life could possibly get any better because it's all so wonderful. Don't compare yourself or your baby to other babies you meet and do not panic or fret about milestones. Baby hasn't read the book and will do things in their own time. Buy a sling, an ethnic, earth Mother style one. Newborns want to be snuggled. Slings leave your hands free to make a drink or eat a sandwich. It also means that they are within kissing distance at all times. You might find maternity leave a bit boring. You might feel like it's the best thing that ever happened to you. Days spent at home sleeping when baby sleeps are to be encouraged. You don't have to have visitors if you don't want to. Go at your own pace and find your own rhythm. Babies can't have too many cuddles. Ignore anyone who tells you to put them down or it will create bad habits. They take over your life but in the best possible way. Enjoy!

Isthatpoisontoo - ummm, no! my naive expectations were that my baby might sleep through at sometime between 6 months and a year, that I would be able to leave them with a bottle and go out for a couple of hours without them in the first year, maybe go swimming for a run or to a cafe by myself, or go out for a meal with a friend leaving my 9 month old at home with her dad. That sort of thing.

You might want to avoid MN OP it is full of the trials and tribulations of parenthood too and people rarely put up an 'Isn't parenthood great' thread. Surely since you historically were a child yourself and you obviously know friends/relatives with children you already know it is not all bad so you are being a teeny bit sensitive but you are pregnant, that is allowed.

I think it's self-validation and a fear that other parents might not find it as hard as they have.

Do they really think that you think it's going to be easy?

I think it's a psychological thing for people. When you're a parent you spend most of the time wondering wtf you're doing and whether you're doing it right. When you are able to impart knowledge wth confidence because you've been there, you do. And you focus on the negative aspects because as someone else said its gallows humour.

I also think here's an element of welcome to the club, the solidarity is because we know it's shit sometimes but we get through it, anyone can talk about the squidgy bits you don't need to be an insider to know that babies are cute and you will love it, but to properly be in the club you need to understand the more difficult stuff. It's like that film about fighting in Vietnam 'you don't know, you weren't there'.

I didn't really like the massive thread about he worst things about motherhood though, that was OTT.

My DH does this. Tells pregnant FTMs how hard it is and a few horror stories about the lack of sleep and the 'beige food phase' we went through etc.

I normally try to reassure them after about how much they will love their child and how it's all worth it...

I agree, OP. I was given the impression it would be much, much harder than it actually was.
The sleep deprivation wasn't that bad because the hormones from breast feeding seemed to help.
My child is not badly behaved (not down to any skills on my part, I hasten to add - just that she, like many children, is naturally compliant and kind). Of course she has her moments, but her behaviour never renders my life stressful or difficult.
Obviously everyone's situation is different, but it's annoying when people tell first time mums they will DEFINITELY find it really really hard - no one can know that!

To the op. I think people think They are trying to prepare you for What its really like as im not going to lie, its hard. But shockingly overwhelmingly hard at times, especially first time round. When I had my first I thought I was going to be this baby wearing, breastfeeding hippy mum who would just love my baby unconditionaly and the world would be a wonderful place. I must admit I was not prepared for how hard everything was. Breastfeeding was hard, the constant crying of a reflux baby was hard, the everyones working and im on my own was hard. Only when we reached the 9 month mark did I feel like this fog had lifted and I could enjoy my baby ( by that point I was already 6 months pregnant with my second). That being said I know where your coming from. I had a family member who had two children close together and she used to use this as an excuse for everything. The kids bad behaviour, her lack of parenting and her bad behaviour. The state of the house and just about everything. When id say anything to her she used to say "u wait till u have kids and then we will see" . I now have a 4yo, 3yo and an 18mo. I like to think my children are well behaved, polite and I parent them well. Nothing like the way she behaved. For the most part, my life with my children is wonderful and I enjoy every minute but there are moments where I just feel so out of my depth and so out of contol and what am i doing wrong. Its these moments that u need to share with others. for a long time I used to go to school seeing all these mums coping with thier children and see beautiful pics on fb and id think why am I the only one that cant cope. Then another mum said to me "I cant believe how well u cope with ur children" basically she was looking at me like I was looking at her. We shared some horror stories about how we feel sometimes but in that moment I got it!!! "We are all losing our shit, its just some of us hide it better than others" ( stole that of a fb meme,lol). X

I wish more people had been honest with me! I thought I'd spend the summer by the pool, drinking Prosseco with my new born cooing in my arms. How fucking wrong was I.

I don't know!! I hated it when I was pregnant as I was naturally quite stressy and worried about stuff. There were a couple of women who took delight in detailing all of the bad points then dragging their teenage children over and saying "then you're stuck with this!!"
Poor kids.
I ended up avoiding them or mentally tuning out.
The thing is though, what's really really hard to explain is how much you'll love them and how you'd put your life on the line for them every day just to keep them safe. It's that feeling that makes all of the "difficult" parts fall into place and seem doable.
In 20 years time you'll look back at these comments and some will be true, some won't but it'll have been your own personal experience. Honestly don't let them worry you!!

OP I totally get where your coming from! Why does it always have to be the negative??

Im 38 weeks pregnant and have had this since I announced I was pregnant.
The worst offender is BIL and I literally want to punch him in the face every time he says anything. Because its not just 'helpful advice' or 'preparing for the worst' it is the smuggest smirk with a comment such as 'you've got all this to come' when 2yo DN is being the little brat that she is.

There is no need for it, the stuff that people tell you is the stuff that you should already know, yeah you're not going to sleep much, you have to clean up sick, piss and shit and your kid will scream a lot. Who really doesn't already know all of that?? and if you're anything like me, everything else you will read on line or in books or your midwife will tell you scare the shit out of you

I have a few friends that have actually followed up with 'but it will all be worth it' etc which is nice and from your OP is the sort of reassurance you are after.

I could have written this when I was pregnant with DS.

One lady at work wrote in my leaving card "it's the best, and the worst, thing you'll ever do". I was perplexed why anyone would write that.

And I truly couldn't understand it. Until now. It IS the best and the worst (at times).

Although I would NEVER write that in someone's maternity leaving card!!!

But nothing they ever do, no amount of crying, no amount of sleep-deprivation could ever stop you loving them.

The first time they smile at you is the best thing in the whole world. Honestly.

These people really are trying to be helpful. Even if you don't see it now and it seems they're being negative. They're trying to prepare you for how battering those first weeks are. But they're so so so worth it.

One of my husband's old school friends gave us a card with 'welcome to the most exhausting and rewarding club'. Absolutely bang on.
People do try and be helpful but it can come out a little badly. I remember when my DS was a baby a woman came up to us in the supermarket and said "Oh I remember when mine was that small. He's 7 now. Thank God I don't have one that young any more; wouldn't trade for anything" and then laughed. I stood looking back at her 😧 She probably meant well, but it was stupid nonetheless. FWIW, now mine's that age, silently I agree....

When they're very little, often there really aren't many positives.

There were days where it felt like the smiles didn't make up for the total exhaustion. The newborn snuggles didn't make it feel ok.

They're giving you the negatives because that's how life with a newborn can be.

There are moments of loveliness occasionally and if you're lucky you'll get a baby who sleeps at night, for long stretches, who isn't a Velcro baby and you'll feel pretty normal. But your friends won't be doing you any favours by pretending that it's anywhere nearly remotely balanced.

My DC are 4 and 6 now, it definitely gets better but it feels like it takes an age to get there.

OP I'm with you. When I was pregnant with my first me and dh used to always talk about all the negative comments we were getting it just felt constant ..."ooh sleep lots now you'll need it" you can't bank sleep so that's pointless! And " you aren't going to know what hit you" and "you'll never go to the cinema again" etc etc etc it totally confused us because before I got pregnant the same people kept saying "hurry up and have kids!" It's like as soon as your pregnant people feel the need to terrify you. Anyway I swore then that whenever I talk to a first time mum to be in future I will be honest but positive.

My best friend is pregnant with her first and she has been really upset by some of her other friends going on about terrible birth stories and no sleep.

I think partly it's because all of those things that are hard are easy to explain but it's very hard to explain the love that you feel and the joy that you feel from having them in your life. You can't really put that side of things into words. I thought I knew what love felt like but it's different.

Oh and for the record I did go to the cinema last night and now I'm having a lovely lie in in bed but also quite wanting to go and pick up dd immediately and give her a big cuddle!

Standing ovation to you OP. I was honestly borderline "punchy" with people (usually men) pointing at the bump going AH-HA NOT LONG NOW UNTIL YOU NEVER SLEEP AGAIN/HAVE YOUR EARS RING FROM CRYING/HAVE THE MOST PAINFUL LABOUR KNOWN TO MAN.

Honestly, it was majority men but I'd have happily punched the women that said it too. Ps: I am not a misandrist, I swear.

IMHO - and it's my take on things - the balance of online commentary has actually tipped things the other way. Sure there are still a landslide of nauseating s(h)ites out there extolling the amazing and wholly rewarding experience of motherhood™ but for me when I was expecting last year it was an online tsunami of the shittier end.

Neither consequently applied to my situation. I sympathise with your predicament. It'd be nice for nervous FTMs to be to just get a fair balance of stories and opinions, not the perpetual doom-saying of the current online climate.

That said, I am writing to you with a dried in poop stain on my thigh courtesy of my DD.