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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Aren't baby showers just a bit grabby?

58 replies

EyeRollChampion · 19/07/2016 19:58

I'm pregnant with my 4th child after a long gap (10 years and my eldest is 16) and I have never had a baby shower.

Now it seems everyone is having them, and I have friends nagging for a date. I'm sure this never used to be the case?

Anyway, I don't know if I want one or not... I like cake but not really a fan of attention, and... well, aren't they just a bit grabby? :|

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ArcheryAnnie · 20/07/2016 00:22

I went to one recently, organised by a friend of the expectant mum. (I didn't have one.)

It was nice! Some people brought baby gifts, some didn't - there was no expectation. There was cake. There was much chat. There were a couple of sweet, daft games. I enjoyed myself.

avamiah · 20/07/2016 00:25

My daughter is 6 and too be honest I never heard of a baby shower back then.
I recently went to my friends Christening of her twin girls and after the Church service there was a Party at a restsurant.
So I dont know the difference as we all gave gifts and had a great time .

LilacInn · 20/07/2016 00:25

Yes to tacky and grabby.

You can always decline, OP. Tell them you are superstitious, or want to wait till baby can make its appearance at a party for it, or whatever.

thankfully every baby shower I have ever attended has included copious booze, however. From champagne to gin.

midcenturymodern · 20/07/2016 00:29

I wouldn't have one because I too struggle with being the focus of attention. I totally don't understand the tacky and grabby objections. I'm a bit hazy as to what constitutes 'tacky'. In general, if I like someone enough to accept an invitation to a party then I like them enough to buy them a gift and I feel that parties and celebrations in general are about marking an occasion and getting together with friends rather than some scam that people have going on to get a free 3 pack of babygros. People can have parties without gifts but gift giving has a social function.

user1467618369 · 20/07/2016 02:21

Weird. I thought its quite american culture coming into the UK. I don't have enough friends that would have organised me a baby shower anyway if I had wanted one lol TBH I think it's sweet if your into it, but I much prefer me and DH organising and getting our girl bits.I been a bit more concerned about planning and having our wedding during this pregnancy and other really important stuff. Again it seems a very americanised thing (no offense to any americanos on here) I never remember my Mum having one, and only know one woman that has had one. Then again, I didn't really have a hen party.. My DH and I are too anti social for that sort of stuff!!

LucyBabs · 20/07/2016 02:25

Is the point of a baby shower to celebrate the coming arrival of the baby with cake etc or is it the invities bringing all the things the new baby will need? Pram, Moses basket and clothes?

ChatterNatterer · 20/07/2016 03:42

I am not really a fan - being forced into having something by my friend and mom. So I have compromised with a mixed sex affair and we are having a BBQ and have asked people not to bring presents but just celebrate impending parenthood instead.

I don't mind going to others and have enjoyed it but I personally don't like the attention (and I like organising my own birthday get togethers!) or the thought of people being expected to buy me/baby things. A few friends have already said they only want to buy when baby arrives - which is absolutely fine, I wouldn't expect them to buy anything anyway when they come to see baby.

meditrina · 20/07/2016 05:47

I don't think they're grabby as long as you follow the proper format, which is as Farfromtheusual posted.

And also in the recognition that 'shower-type gift' = small. It's not an occasion for a gift list, though the host (not the honouree) might want to do a bit of gentle coordination to avoid excessive duplicates.that shouldn't be onerous, as it should be among close friends, so people she's likely to be talking to anyhow.

eastcoastmum2014 · 20/07/2016 07:48

I hate them but then I hate all the attention being on me! I didn't have one with dd for that reason and I didn't want anyone to feel they had to get me a gift. I still ended up with loads of gifts but I felt like they came from the heart from people who wanted to give me gifts not because they felt forced x

Ummusomebody · 21/07/2016 06:44

Don't like them either but it does depend on the intention behind them. Had to go to one where the husband organised a 'surprise' for his wife but then all her 'close' friends who've known her for less than 2 years ( she just moved into the country) had to contribute towards food and drinks as well as bring gifts from a list. I felt that was defo graby

But I also went to one organised by friends for a friend with lovely foods/drinks/cake but also plenty of presents as she was moving to another country. She ended up cooking/ bossing us around the whole afternoon. Didn't feel grabby, tacky or chavvy to me as I don't even think we remembered to play a "shower" game. Just great fun!

Dollface136 · 21/07/2016 10:08

Only grabby if the person having it is that sort. You don't think a wedding is grabby do you? Or a birthday party? Both of which can pass without the need for parties and presents.

I've been to some lovely ones that were basically like a no booze hen do. A sort of send off for the new mum to be from her life of casual lunches to her life as a mother. For that reason I also don't think it is tempting fate. The ones I have been to post of the guests got a gift for the mum like nice bubble bath etc.

mayaknew · 21/07/2016 10:11

Grabby if you throw yourself one but nice if someone throws you a surprise one. I was at a surprise one recently and it was lovely .

Since I'm done having children I've decided when my sister has her first I'm going to throw her a surprise one

Pinkheart5915 · 21/07/2016 10:12

On Mumsney everything is grabby from Baby showers to weddings

Personally I don't think they are grabby I had one with ds and this pregnancy, it was a relaxed afternoon with friends, mocktails and a cake and tbh I've never been to a 'grabby' one

Original poster

EyeRollChampion · 21/07/2016 10:48

I find wedding lists horrendously grabby (starting to tire of the word now but can't think of an apt replacement), not the weddings themselves. Though I do hate weddings. Too much pomp and showing off. Yep, I'm great fun ;)

I think perhaps my view of baby showers has been tainted by my limited experience of them, wherein people provide a list of things they need for the baby and everything is mega-cutesy. I associate them mainly with daft women who are obsessed with shoes and name their children things like Lavender Porridge Sunshine Banana Yoghurt

OP posts:

AprilShowers16 · 21/07/2016 15:12

My friend offered to throw me a baby shower, I really wanted an excuse to see friends I had neglected over the last couple of months of crazy work and tired evenings so just asked her to throw something simple and to emphasise presents not necessary. We had a lovely afternoon out for a cream tea, caught up with friends, a couple brought presents, it was a lovely excuse for a get together and they were excited for me so wanted to celebrate. I only invited close friends who hopefully know me well enough to know I'm not grabby and would most likely buy a present for the baby anyway.

expatinscotland · 21/07/2016 15:24

It's an American thing, but it's been completely perverted in Britain. America has a very limited welfare system and no paid maternity leave (or paid for very few weeks). So it is done for the first pregnancy/child, it's given by someone else not the parents, it's not a couples event, in the evenings, something to pamper hte mum to be or catch up with friends or a last hurrah before the baby is born and many showers don't involve alcohol. It's just a couple of hours on a Sat. or Sun. afternoon, women only, job done.

mellmumma · 21/07/2016 15:45

I find them boring and forced. My friend has had three 'suprise' ones for her first! What's wrong with just having a little lunch.. Why it has to involve gifts, crap games and no alcohol is beyond me.

I was asked if I wanted one, and said no way. Please just make the effort to keep in touch during pregnancy and invite me to lunch and then come see me and the baby when he is here!

LondonGirl83 · 21/07/2016 16:03

As an American, I can confirm its is 100% an American tradition (a very long standing one).

Traditionally you don't throw yourself a shower, someone throws it for you. Presents are absolutely the norm as are gift lists to avoid duplication in the US.

The idea behind them is the same as the tradition behind wedding gifts. Getting married used to imply setting up your married home for the first time which for a young couple moving out of their parents' homes would be horrendously expensive. The idea is everyone you know and love helps you out. That's why traditional wedding gifts are china, etc.

For baby showers, the idea is the same. Your close community of friends and family all chip in a little so that you aren't faced with one big cost at once for your baby. The social contract of course is that you do this in return for your friends and family so no one is ever caught out. Its also a way to celebrate one of life's major milestones.

Gifts are usually not super expensive except those bought by grandparents who often will pay for the pram or something equally expensive.

Again, whether people need help now, they still do it as its a life milestone tradition as important as marriage, death, graduation etc. Of course, you could go through all these milestones with no ceremony or celebration but sneering at people that enjoy sharing these life events with their close friends and family is what I find 'tacky'

Owllady · 21/07/2016 16:06

I never had one but I know people who have. Each to their own

Youhaveupdates1 · 21/07/2016 16:13

My mum arranged a surprise shower for my first pregnancy and it was lovely and from what I understand she arranged it with my friends.
This pregnancy I arranged an afternoon tea/baby shower but expressed that I didn't want gifts it was just a get together of friends and family to enjoy the afternoon with nice food and cake and no kids it worked well and we all had a lovely time.
I have to say that I wouldn't have thought about having one first time round at all, it never entered my mind but it was a lovely afternoon!

April241 · 21/07/2016 16:13

I'm having one this year, when I first found out I was pregnant my mum was all excited about having a shower and I said absolutely not a chance - I didn't want to be the centre of attention standing in the middle of a room while everyone guessed how gigantic my bump is. A few months on though I've came round to the idea after having one for a friend and been to another one (and mum was gutted I didn't want one, felt a bit guilty since she's super excited about first grandkids). There isn't a massive crowd going to mine, just my close family and friends plus it'll be a nice way for my OHs family to meet my family- it's a nice way to see everyone before the mayhem of babies arrive. Mum has bought booze for everyone else and I'll be on the chocolate milk and cakes ;). There won't be any gifts at mine so nothing to get embarrassed about. Just looking forward to a few hours in the afternoon that I can slip away from and let them all get hammered haha!

Kennington · 21/07/2016 16:16

I think it is ok if a mum is young and just starting out - for the first child anyway.
I wouldn't do it personally and it is in the same league as nursery graduations and prom nights - a rubbish import we could do without.

expatinscotland · 21/07/2016 16:43

It's not a shower if there are no gifts. That is just a get together. It's not a mixed-gender party. An evening party. A piss up. A pamper party for the mum to be. Thrown by the mum to be. For a 2nd/3rd/etc pregnancy/child. At cost to the guest at all (you don't throw one and ask people to pay for their own food/meal, a contribution to the cost of hosting, ask for money as a gift or anything like that).

Again, it's an American tradition that's been made into something different in the UK.

Original poster

EyeRollChampion · 21/07/2016 18:00

Expat and London girl, we Brits are a nation of bastardisers (much like the US). I think that's the price you pay for living in a multicultural society. Some of these perversions have become their own traditions (Halloween, for example), whereas others are ugly mutants that make me want to look the other way

I think what I'll do is invite my family and closest friends over for tea and snacks (and CAAAAAAAAKKE) once bubba is here. I used to be a baker so I'm sure I can reproduce a convincing replica of a vagina.

Or a teddy bear.

OP posts:

LondonGirl83 · 21/07/2016 18:04

Have whatever type of party you want of course! I was just explaining it to those that were asking if it was American and why there were presents etc.

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