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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Finding out the sex at the 20 week scan

73 replies

bumblebee86 · 11/07/2016 12:43

Hi,

My 20 week scan isn't until August, but I can't decide whether I want to find out the sex or not. My OH would like to, but doesn't mind if I don't want to. What have been your reasons for finding out or not finding out and were you pleased with whatever you did?

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gamerchick · 11/07/2016 13:31

I did, I like to plan ahead. I don't see pregnancy as this exciting journey, it's a pain in the arse. If I'm incubating this parasitic being sucking me dry I want to know as much about it as possible. I'm just glad when it's out.

Mummyme87 · 11/07/2016 13:34

I didn't and glad I didn't.
I wanted the surprise at the end. To find out myself rather than be told. Certainly didn't want to choose a specific name and there just aren't enough surprises in life anymore

Popskipiekin · 11/07/2016 13:34

Agree with ElspethFlashman about finding out the sex making it more real. We found out that DC1 was a boy quite early (17 weeks) as I just couldn't wait until the proper scan! I loved knowing it was a boy, we gave him a name straight away, talked to him as [name] not baby. I think my parents found this slightly odd - they thought "what if he doesn't look like his name when he's born?" but to us he had been that for 20+ weeks. And we were very certain about the name. I can see how this wouldn't work if you weren't so sure.

That said... friends who haven't found out, I get excited for them as birth approaches and it's so lovely to have that message: It's a girl! or it's a boy!

So I'm a proper fence sitter I suppose. I just know my own mind and I really don't need a surprise - babies cause enough surprises as it is.

notinagreatplace · 11/07/2016 13:38

I sort of feel like the more information the better – I don’t really understand why you wouldn’t find out. It is somewhat helpful practically – no point in worry about a girl’s name! I don’t plan to buy hugely gendered clothing/toys but there’s not a lot of unisex stuff around so it’s nice to be able to pick up a good bundle of boys baby clothing on ebay, etc.

To be honest, though, my baby has had no shame and has been waving his bits around on all the scans (we’ve had a fair few for medical reasons) so we’d have found out anyway.

foxessocks · 11/07/2016 13:41

We have found out both times. Dh wouldn't have been able to wait he is too impatient!! I might have waited, I always thought I would, but actually I liked finding out as I felt a bit more prepared. I could focus my attention on one set of names for example! It's been lovely this time as well telling my dd she's going to have a little brother.

NapQueen · 11/07/2016 13:44

I wanted dh to tell me "it's and boy/girl" in the delivery room. I thought it would be a magical moment and it was. It also added another bit of info to the news family and friends were waiting for.

Second time round we found out as dd was 3 so we wanted to prepare her as fully as possible.

I wouldn't find out if we ever had a third.

CitizenErased4 · 11/07/2016 13:50

Perhaps if you are still undecided at the scan you could ask the sonographer to write it down and put it in a sealed envelope. That way you can decide later if you'd like to know. You could give the envelope to a trusted friend if you want to avoid spur of the moment temptations!

Original poster

bumblebee86 · 11/07/2016 13:51

NapQueen that's probably the only reason I do what to wait, so my OH can tell me, because it think that would be magical!

OP posts:

Original poster

bumblebee86 · 11/07/2016 13:53

CitizenErased4 that's a good idea. I did think of that and may do that if I still can't decide and like you say give it to someone, if not I know I'll just look!

OP posts:

Notso · 11/07/2016 14:04

I didn't find out with any of my four. I loved DH telling me after all the hard work of labour, it was such a special moment. I cannot imagine getting the same feeling at the scan stage.
I don't buy into all the pink/blue thing and didn't bother with a nursery so there was no real planning except the name.

I do think when friends or family find out and reveal the sex, name etc, you don't get the same exciting wow when the baby is born. It's nice but it's not the same as a surprise.

Noodledoodledoo · 11/07/2016 14:08

I didn't want to know - much to DH shock as I am a planner and like to know everything about everything!!

My reasons were I wouldn't do anything different or specific for one or the other, nursery would have been decorated the same, stuff we bought would possible have been a bit more 'gendered' but not by choice.

The only time I regretted not knowing was trying to find a 'coming home' outfit for the baby as all the unisex stuff seemed bland but we found something.

Am currently 38 weeks with another unknown bubba!

I am slightly influenced by a few friends sad outcomes in pregnancies, and find it very strange when baby seems to be a personality before they are born with full name etc, but that is just how I feel about things and a completely personal reaction.

Names weren't an issue we had plenty for both in the end.

The only issue I have is if I refer to it as a he/she everyone thinks I know and have let it slip, if I refer to it as them they assume its twins, I hate calling it 'It'.

SaintExupery · 11/07/2016 14:12

It's such a personal decision. This is our first baby but I have suffered previous losses (that few people know about) and we both found it difficult for a long time to imagine this pregnancy wouldn't go the same way. Making it far enough to have an identification scan was a real celebratory milestone and it has helped us to 'believe' in this baby and start to bond, which is priceless for us.

I was recently upset by a comment from an acquaintance who is also expecting that they weren't finding out, they 'just want a healthy baby'. As if by finding out I somehow didn't

whatsagoodusername · 11/07/2016 14:17

We found out at 20 weeks with both DC.

DS1 was hiding nothing, so I knew well before the sonographer asked if we wanted to know. I had thought he was a boy.

DS2 felt like a girl, to both me and DH. So it was a bit "Oh" when he was a boy... A bit flat. I am glad that wasn't at birth. Also had a crap birth with DS2 and wouldn't have been in a state to appreciate the girl/boy surprise.

MrsChassange · 11/07/2016 14:30

Currently 27 weeks with my first; DH and I were struggling so much with names that we thought that by finding out we could at least narrow down the name game to one sex!

When the sonographer told me it was a girl we were so happy, I don't think I would have felt any more happiness by being told just after birth.

I haven't gone out and bought anything pink and don't plan to have any pink in the nursery so really it hasn't affected my 'planning' IYSWIM.

Personally however, I feel more connected to my baby knowing that she's a girl. I'm excited about meeting her for the first time just as much as people who don't know the sex are excited to find that out. It's a personal thing and nobody has the right answer!

leoniethelioness · 11/07/2016 14:49

We found out at 20 weeks. We tell people who ask but don't broadcast it otherwise. I kept my pregnancy news quiet at work until 19 weeks, partly as I was feeling very anxious. By the time we had the anomaly scan and could see that everything was fine, I just didn't want any more secrets. I have personally found it easier to imagine having a baby at the end of it by knowing the sex. I struggled to imagine the baby as a reality beforehand. I have bought a gender neutral pram and nursery bedding. Some of our babygrows are a bit boyish but otherwise fairly unisex so it's not had much impact on my shopping. We have also chosen a name for him and I try to refer to him by his name (between family only).

Roastednutflash · 11/07/2016 14:54

I did.

I was desperate for one gender (totally irrationally, and didn't want to have a preference, but I did). I found out because I was worried if I didn't and baby was opposite gender, I might feel disappointed, whereas if I knew in advance I'd come to terms and get over it. So I found out.

Baby was preferred gender as it happens.

I don't care what I get next time but I'd still find out again, it really helped me bond with baby before they were born.

beckslovestimmy · 11/07/2016 14:55

We didn't find out with either children. It's so nice to have a surprise. With my first we thought we were having a boy and we had a girl and the second we thought it would be a girl and I now have 2.5 week old son asleep in my arms. I really enjoyed DH announcing the sex as soon as they were born and wrote that into my birth plan.

Hopelass · 11/07/2016 14:57

I also didn't find out first time and have found out this time. Both really specially tbh and none better than the other!

PunkyPod · 11/07/2016 15:00

DC1 - didn't find out. I wanted the surprise at the end. I hoped it would be a motivational factor during labour. In reality it wasn't that big a deal because the whole birthing experience was so traumatic that I was just relieved to know baby was ok. The gender wasn't as big a deal to find out at the birth as I had expected. I also didn't bond with her that much during the pregnancy. I loved her but I couldn't really imagine that there was a baby. She felt like an alien in my belly!

DC2 - We decided to find out. To experience the other side. And for me it made such a massive deal. Nothing to do with preparing stuff for 'him' as we are a fairly gender-neutral lot really. But I just immediately pictured my son, I bonded with him in an instant, it gave me such a rush of love and emotion just being able to say "my son" and "he". Knowing helped us focus on names. The moment of meeting him was just the same as meeting my daughter, as in it wasn't a big deal that he was a boy or that I already knew.

DC3 - I'm expecting another boy now. We found out a few weeks ago. Again, I'm so happy I know and it's been great telling the other DC they will get a little brother.

For me there's no question that knowing is better than waiting. Not from an impatient perspective but just because it helps me bond so much better with the baby.

LastGirlOnTheLeft · 11/07/2016 15:03

I found out with my two girls and didn't with my two boys. The surprise is nice but I think for me finding out at 29 weeks helped me bond better. I was getting to know them as my daughters. It took me longer with my sons.

LastGirlOnTheLeft · 11/07/2016 15:04

Oops sorry I mean 20 weeks.

SquedgieBeckenheim · 11/07/2016 15:11

I didn't with DD as I wanted the surprise at the end. The delivery was so traumatic I didn't even register her gender! I was in so much shock at there being a baby there I didn't even think to look between it's legs!
I've just found out I'm expecting number 2, and I think we'll find out this time. I want to enjoy that moment, as I didn't last time. Therefore I don't want to leave it until the delivery room.
There is no right or wrong, just what's right for you!

crje · 11/07/2016 15:20

We liked knowing
I didn't on no 1 & did on 2,3&4.
No difference of emotion in delivery room after they were born.
Enjoy the scan

DramaAlpaca · 11/07/2016 15:25

They wouldn't tell me with DC1.

With DC2 it was quite obvious from the scan because of how he was lying so I'd have known even if I didn't want to.

When it came to DC3 I just liked the idea of knowing in advance.

No regrets about finding out.

mrsmugoo · 11/07/2016 15:39

I've done both ways - preferred knowing.

Although not knowing did make my ELCS a bit more "special" as everything else about it was pre-arranged and totally non spontaneous.

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