I'm pregnant after stillbirth - need support

[hopejoy]

Hiya
I'm not sure if this is the right place to write...I'm 6 weeks+3. I have a daughter (age 4)had by c-section and our baby girl died inside me last year when I was 37 weeks pregnant(had a "natural" delivery). Post-mortem said no known cause.

Feel scared being pregnant again. I am also rhesus negative and have been advised to go on low dose aspirin as I had a thrombosis (a clot) in my placenta. I'm scared the aspirin will make me bleed and then I'll have to get anti D!)

Can anyone else relate to my story? Anyone else had a stillborn baby? Or taking aspirin? Or views on Anti D? I'm such a joy!!!

Hopejoy, so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. Best wishes for a safe and successful pregnancy.

Hopejoy firstly congratulations on this pregnancy I just know you WILL get all the support that you need from mumsnet.My dear friend had a stillbirth her baby died at 35 weeks during pregnancy.It is now 5 years on and we all still talk about him now when she needs to.She saw a counseler midwife to who was very helpful and is still seeing her due to she went through another pregnancy and had a healthy baby girl last year.She actually works for sands now too and runs a support group.I don't think she would have got through it all without them.So although sands had no one in your position at that time they may have now so why not give them another try.If you can though get to see a midwife counseller connected to the hospital that you are going to give birth at and express your fears to her, because they generally have a lot of swing as to how you treatment goes and can express your fears for you when you are at a vulnerable time.I saw the same midwife counseler before the birth of my 3rd child because I had bad post natal depression with my first two and I wouldn't have got through the pregnancy without her.

Hopejoy, sorry you didn't find your SANDS group much help - like any voluntary organisation so much depends on who's active at any given time. Friends elsewhere in the UK found their group so dreadful they never went back after the first meeting, so I do sympathise. I must have been very lucky with mine.
Definitely check at your local hospitals if they have a Bereavement Midwife on the staff, though - as Happycat says, and I can agree, they can be a real help. Ours even offered one-to-one antenatal care for mothers-to-be who felt "the system" was not supportive/understanding enough.
I hope you manage to make contact with metrobaby's sister - I agree it really helps to share experiences with someone who had exactly the same sort of bereavement. Best of luck.

hopejoy - congratulations on your pregnancy. So sorry to read of your past experience. You certainly will get lots of support here.

Low dose aspirin is unlikely to cause bleeding because it is such a low dose. I have looked after many women who have been on it without problems.

On the anti-D issue, do you know your partner's blood group? If he is Rh negative then you do not need it. It is not something that is routinely checked out. I understand your concerns about anti-D too. In instances of bleeding it probably is better to err on the side of caution, only if partner is know to be positive blood group though.

i don't have any experience of the dreadful bereavement you have suffered hopejoy, but I wanted to add my message of support and wish you all the luck in the world with this pregnancy.

Mumsnet has a wealth of support and experience to offer, and I am sure there will always be someone here who will do their best to help you.

Metrobaby - I am obviously a virgin as I'm not sure what you mean about another talker. I would love to email your sister (even if just occasionally for a little support!) Can you tell me what I need to do?

Happycat and Marina - I will find out about a bereavement midwife or counsellor - thanks for that.

Mears - thanks for your post. My daughter (who is 4) is positive so I guess that means my husband is too - so I do need anti D. They didnt even blood type my daughter who died.

so sorry to hear about your daughter's death

not surprised you are apprehensive now, it's a completely normal reaction, which doesn't mean you actually need to worry - iyswim.

i can't add to the good advice already posted, so will just say congratulations and good luck

No problem Hopejoy. Contact an other talker is a link at the top of the screen, under useful stuff, but if you can't see it, click here

hopejoy - how horrible for you. I too know someone who went on to have 2 healthy children after a stillbirth. Hope all goes well for you.

Hi Hopejoy
I cant begin to imagine how you must be feeling. I have reached 15 wks pregnant after 2 miscarriages at 12 and 14 weeks. Getting this far has been astonishingly difficult for me and I can only assume you must find it a thousand times more difficult. I am so sorry you lost your baby, noone should have to suffer that.

I am rhesus neg and have had anti-D twice already due to bleeding. I have questioned the need for it in the past but my midwife has just given me a leaflet explaining more. Apparently the risk of it being contaminated is 1 in billions. I am also taking low-dose aspirin, it wasnt precribed for me and my consultant said for me it wouldnt make any difference but I'm taking it anyway and I have got further than I did without it in my previous pregnancies so who knows.

Anyway, please use this board for support. Mumsnet has helped me through some really difficult stages and there is always someone here.

Take care Bx

Hi Hopejoy, I'm so sorry to hear you lost your second daughter. I have a friend who had a stillborn daughter before the birth of her son (who is now 2.5 yrs). I can't add much to what the other posters have said, except to suggest you have a look at this thread which you may find informative (with respect to taking aspirin) and inspiring. As bunny says, Mumsnet is a great place to come for support when you need it. I hope everything goes well for you this time.

Hopejoy ... congratulations on your pregnancy . So sorry that you lost your little girl last year.
I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and that was difficult enough so I can't begin to imagine how awful it was for you to go through that.
I have no advice for you... just wanted to say hello and good luck and tell you that you have come to the right place for support ....
Hugs {{{{{}}}}}

Hopejoy, this is the first time i have spoken about this to anyone other than my dh and family so forgive me if i sound a bit rambly!

I had a stillborn baby boy almost 9 years ago. I was 34 weeks, had a natural delivery and like you, the post-mortem said no known cause.
My dh and i now have a beautiful 14 month old ds born by emergency c-section after a 28 hour labour. I too am rhesus negative but apart from numerous blood tests and weekly ante natal appointments because of high blood pressure, my pregnancy was surprisingly smooth and stress free.

I was terrified when i first fell pregnant and kept telling myself that i couldn't handle it if something went wrong again. After the first 12 weeks, i began to relax a little and actually started to enjoy the whole pregnancy thing! It wasn't until i started approaching 34 weeks that all my anxieties came flooding back and everytime the baby moved or didn't move, or i had a twinge or heartburn or anything...i fell apart!
My dh was absolutely fantastic throughout my pregnancy and if it wasn't for him, i'm sure i would have gone mad with worry.

Yes, it was a difficult time and i cry often for the baby i lost,my baby James but Hopejoy, try and concentrate on this baby and your daughter.

Sending you lot of love and the very best of wishes and if you'd like to talk to me, please contact me via another talker. It would probably help me too to talk about it because i didn't at the time and i still find it difficult to copw with at times,

womba x

Dear Hopejoy and Womba1 - wanted to send you both lots of best wishes and supportxxx

Hi hopejoy! Big, big congratulations to you!

I can totally relate to you (except fot the anti-D). I lost my DS at 24 weeks in December 2002 (died after two days) and my DD at 26 weeks - who was stillborn, in August 2003 (both were also natural deliveries).

I fell pregnant again in October 2003 and was pescribed low dose asprin, which has apparently been shown to lower the risk of a subsequent child being stillborn as well as lowering the risk of clotting. I was also had to take 5mg of folic acid as well as Pregnacare as it was found from a Thrombaphylia screen that the gene that handles folic acid has mutated and that I have to take 10 times more than normal for my body to process the normal amount of folic acid (confusing eh!).

Also, like you my two lossed were classed as 'no known cause' which is extremely fustrating as if you knew what the problem was, at least you can take steps to ensure that it does not happen again. I privately think that although I can get pregnant easily, I simply can't hold them.

I'm pleased to say that although my third child (my second DD) was born 10 weeks early (she's fine except she just needs to get a tad bigger), I firmly believe that the aspirin played a big part in ensuring that she stayed in longer and that she was born alive. Like you, I was also scanned every two weeks.

I know its easier said than done but please, don't be scared. You will be so heavily monitored, which should help to reassure you (I practically lived up the hospital!) I also have a couple of friends who had problems but were pescribed aspirin and carried to term.

As many people have already said, keep posting as you will get tons of support here. I have personally found this site to be invaluable and it has helped me alot

Oh womba - big hugs to you.

I know exactly what you mean - I was the same, especially this time. If I hadn't felt anything for a while I would be like 'Move!!'I also know that that had I got beyond 30 weeks, I would have worried about things happenning at the delivery and so on.

Whilst I handled my first two losses ok (no doubt helped by getting pregnant quickly), I would have crumpled if something happenned again. I must admit also, that since I have had my DD, I am looking at pictures of my last baby and getting quite upset (especially as they both look so similar). Maybe I didn't leave myself enough time to greive and dealt with it by throwing myself into another pregnancy thereby giving me something else to focus on.

Dear womba 1 - I am so glad you have written and told us what happened to you 9 years ago. I'm sorry - as you know, I know how it feels.

I would love to contact you - it may be theraputic for us both! I will try and concentrate on this pregnancy and my dd. Thanks

Bunny2 - thanks for your message - I'm glad you have got to 15 weeks - I'll be thinking of you - keep in touch.

Ghosty - thanks

Gengernut - I will look at the info on aspirin - thanks.

Norfolk turkey - thanks for your message - soory you have been through so much - happy to hear you have a dd with you.

Hi hopejoy, I'll certainly keep in touch. Look after yourself.

Hi again, Yes I agree with you about antiD, but we can't so right for doing wrong I suppose and so there are more positives than neg's (at the mo anyway). I really wish you all the best with your pgcy. We have a pgcy after m/c/loss thread, if you want to come and get some valuable support there. xxx

Message withdrawn

Yorkiegirl - thanks for posting. You are fortunate to have both your children - very. I am still angry and bitter that I dont have both my girls - maybe they seem like strange emotions to have but that is how I feel these days!

My baby died of "no known cause". I actually spotted something about me having an "intervillous thrombi" in my placenta quite recently when I finally found the courage to read the post mortem. I pointed this out to my new consultant (who I saw a few times and got to know pre this current pregnancy) and she suggested low dose aspirin. But the mdeical profession dont attribute the clot as cause of death. I think it seems a plausible one, or a least a factor in her death, but I am not medically trained. My baby was perfect and everything about her was normal according to the post-mortem - I still cannot fathom out why a baby would die like this. It is sometimes called SADs at this late stage (i was over 37 wks) - sudden anetnatal death syndrome and there is a suggestion that it might be linked to SIDs (cot death)- sorry I'll stop ranting on and I apologise for going on about stuff like this. I am going to try and focus on this pregnancy

hopejoy, please feel free to continue ranting for as long as you want to. If it helps, do it.

ladies, can you offer me some advice please?
My friend, who lives miles away, has just had a baby stillborn. What on earth can I do or say to help? This would have been her first child. I cnat call her just now because of thetime difference so i'm writing her a letter and everything I write just seems so feeble.

mckenzie - How horrible. I don't think that there is a right thing to say really. The fact that you have bothered to convey your sympathy at all will go a long way I think.

so sorry mckensie, this happened to a good friend of mine 7 yeras ago. i don't think i was much help. i spoke to her on the phone, or rather tried, we both just cried. took about 4 phone calls before we actually 'spoke'. i think a lettre may be a better idea, she can choose her moment to read it, then reread it as many times as she needs. soory but i ahve no idea where you would start with such a difficult letter, other than perhaps admitting that you don't know what to say. i'm sure there are some MNers with experience who know what may help her.