My boyfriend of 4 years reacted badly to pregnancy

[micapainter]

Hi,
I'm new to Mumsnet but have lurked on the forums for years finding titbits of useful info for all sorts :) Now I just found out I'm pregnant with my first and have been in a relationship for almost 4 years. We aren't living together but have been recently looking at places to buy. I am feeling very angry and hurt by my boyfriends reaction to the news. He is freaking out right now about whether we can afford it. I was shocked as he has been saying for months how we need to 'get on with it' as he is 42 and I am 36 and he really wants to have kids. We have been having unprotected sex for ages and he said that if it happens it happens and we'd deal with it. Now he is contradicting himself and says we can't just have it and worry about it later.
He seems to really want it to be perfect and have them privately educated but I argued with him that they don't need to go to a private school when there are good state schools, plus I believe if kids have parents who push them a bit more at home to do homework then they'd grow up to be successful ( apologies for my laid back attitude, my head's a mess right now). He seems hell bent on this and I tell him my friends who have kids all manage and you work it out as you go etc etc. He also mentioned he had a ton of debt and that's a red flag as he's never mentioned it before now. I didn't want to push him on it at the time.
He also doesn't get that I'm 36 and I can't wait another 5 years, I'm not saying women shouldn't have kids past 40 but personally I'd rather not. We are in a stable relationship and we could find a place to live in the next 6 moths I'm sure but all I get are excuses such as wanting to wait until we're settled into a house first. He also told me I need to earn more money as he is on a low wage but mine is lower and we should be on equal money? I said how is it equal if I am the one carrying the baby and giving birth to it? What is he going to sacrifice in this?! I don't think we are particularly low money, combined it must be about £45k a year?
All this though has made me question whether I want to even be with this man? He told me I'd have to give up my art practice that I do alongside my full time day job, but that is my passion! Plus I do ok out of it and I feel like I'm getting more success.
I think his issue is he doesn't want to be the sole bread winner and have me sponging off him and not working. I actually feel like he's deceived me as he was asking to see my monthly cycle chart to see when is the best time to try to conceive. It's like he was playing pretend happy families but now it's real he's scared and wants to run back into his cave.
I actually don't feel scared having this on my own as I know I would regret it if I got rid of it.
I'm hoping he is just in shock and scared but I'm worried his words have damaged our relationship. He's saying he didn't realise until after we had sex that it was a dangerous time. I'm angry that he's trying to blame me for it and he's not taking responsibility for his actions.He's acting like a teenager! He also says though that he is also equally thinking how much he wants to have it

Has anybody else been through something similar? Feeling very lost and confused right now :( I was hoping this would be a happy event in our lives but it might cause us to break up.

Also have a look over in the Antenatal threads to see if your birth month club is up and running yet. Usually they start almost as soon as the first stick turns positive! They are amazing sources of support and information swapping.

My sickness last time started at barely 5 weeks. I felt very hard done by as the websites say "usually 6 weeks"! So if you are starting to feel dodgy I'm afraid it happens early to some of us.

You probably won't need maternity clothes till 20 weeks as it's your first, so no expense needed for months yet (and even then, H&M is your friend)

Baby clothes not needed till baby is basically about to pop and Primark is a godsend for kids clothes so very little expense with those.

But your antenatal club will be brilliant for all that info.

He's 42 - he doesn't get to have meltdowns. Meltdowns are what toddlers have. He's an adult, he should be behaving like an adult. Especially when there are other people involved in this situation - he does not get to tantrum like a 3 year old (well, obviously he can, but I would suggest that then the rational reaction from those around him should be exactly as it is with a 3-year old - ignore, ignore, ignore - with the added bonus that since he's 42 you don't have to stay in his immediate vicinity to look after him - he can be left to look after himself).

Micah, he sounds to me like he's being massively manipulative. Agree with PP that IMO you would be better off without him.

Hi again, things have improved somewhat since my last post yesterday. He sent some nice texts saying he thinks it will help if we just assume it is happening as an abortion is not what he intends and he feels like everything he is saying is making it seem that way. He wants to help me sort out my finances and work out away we can do this. He also said the cat comment he made was silly and I should try to forget it.
I think he might have visited his sister yesterday and maybe she made him see sense as he sounds like a different person. Hopefully the more that times goes by the more calmer and mature he'll be. Ha has also finally started to tell me to look after myself :)
I think I still would like a few days away from discussing it with him though. But I feel a lot better about the situation, a good nights sleep helped, although now I'm not worrying about our relationship as much: it's starting to hit me what is happening to me and today I feel quite scared! :/

He will calm down - just because he is 42 does not mean he is not allowed to panic a bit - as indeed are you. However old we get, we are the same inside. You may find that your relationship will grow after this setback.

Pregnancy is like that. You'll be scared then happy then bored (it's endless) pissed off (it can be uncomfortable) then happy and so on.

9 months is a long long time. But it passes.

Just daunder along take it as it comes and keep reminding yourself people have babies literally every day.

Your first job is to look after yourself and just focus on the now.

If it helps, I had 2, at 35, my partner lived in one house, I lived in another. I had endless antenatal appointments, knitted lots of blankets. Gave birth. Went ok. Just coped for the first 12 weeks. Got into my stride after about 3 months. He varied between helpful and being an active hindrance.

Nothing was quite as I'd imagined but I just got on with it.

I went back to work when they were 6 months. They went to nursery. Tax credits were a godsend as I will still living as a lone parent with him dropping by every now and again. He'd said he would look after them one day a week but didn't.

I moved house on my own when they were 18months.

We split up finally when they were 4.

Me and the kids are still managing to bumble along.
It is far from perfect but everyone is fed and no one is dead.

Occasionally they stop arguing long enough to draw breath

We get through each day as it comes along and so far I have a 100% record for getting to the end of the day

We are all clothed and have a home and the odd holiday. It doesn't take a fortune just a bit of a can do attitude. Which comes free with the stretch marks because there is no other option.

Wouldn't change them for the world even though I'd change myself into.a better parent about 10 times a day if I had the choice

God he's doing my head in!! He's been sending me riddiculously long texts about how he's realised that it is so important to him that his kids go to the same private school he went to. He's actually scaring me right now at how obsessed he's become over it and how he's done a u-turn since yesterday. I don't know what to do. It's not so much now about us disagreeing on it (I would like them to go to that school but only if we could afford it!) but it's how he's coming across and he won't give in or even leave me alone when I asked him too. he has a very obsessive nature and that worries me more now. God I'm sooooo confused right now. Now I'm doubting my decision to have a child. I need a break from this.

Add his number to your spam numbers. Any tects from.him will just go.into your spam foldet and you can ignore them till later.

He sounds like he needs counselling. On his own.

I think you're right. He seems to be thinking really manically, he said he was up until 2 am looking at school fees and our budget?! Even though he said yesterday even if i was earning the same as him we couldn't afford it. Now he's saying how much he really can't wait to work his butt off. I really wish I could talk to my mum right now.

Hi Mica

I've been following your post for the past few days and am sorry to hear how you are feeling. Sorry your partner is making you go through so much turmoil. It sounds like you really need to tell him to give you some space. Take a few days with no contact from him and let him work through these issues he has on his own. After all, these are his issues, not yours. I understand his panic of finances, every so often I have a bit of a wobble over whether we can afford this which is ridiculous as we have been planing for years.

One thing I need to ask, what is the deal with private education? I went to a private school up to 6th form and quite honestly would never dream of sending any child of mine to one no matter how much money I had. I believe I would have achieved far greater in an environment where you weren't the thick one in the class if you didn't get A*'s in every subject. The thought of all that wasted money my parents spent makes me sick. Perhaps find some stats on state schools and their achievement levels which I am sure will set his mind at rest. By the sounds of it you won't be able to afford to send your child to this private school no matter what and it's unlikely that him working extra hours in a bar will help with the huge costs. Perhaps suggest to him that you can top up state education where necessary with private tuition from tutors who work at this private school? 1-2-1 will be a far better use of money and will cost an awful lot less.

Best of luck, I do hope you can have some time and space to yourself, it sounds like you need it

Sorry to hear this OP.

I went to a 'terrible' state school, but graduated at the top of my year at university with commendation and my dissertation was nominated for an award. I am successful in my field.

I also grew up on a sink council estate! But I had a fantastic mother who supported me so much. Really don't think money is the main thing with children! He is over emphasising it alot.

I have friends who went to private schools who had a worse schooling experience than me. They were bullied more or felt inadequate.

Don't let the money thing get to you, it is his obsession. Look after yourself

Xxx

He really is getting way way ahead of himself.
You haven't even had a scan yet have you?
Your baby will have to be born, get teeth, go to nursery, learn to walk, learn to talk, get out of nappies all before he or she (or they) go anywhere near a school private or otherwise.

Right now its about the size of a kidnry bean.

He really needs to get a fucking grip.

Everytime he starts, assuming you can't ignore him, tell him to get a grip. First things first.

they don't seem to have taught him much at this fantastic school of his

TBH I would send him a message saying 'I need some peace and quiet, all these messages are for another day and not soon at that. I will be back in touch in a week'. Then switch your phone off. I would go to work but you may feel that you need a duvet day just to find some peace of mind. Just don't worry about him for the moment, maybe enjoy thinking about the baby. You only get a first pregnancy once.

Congratulations

You have no hope of affording private school on your combined salary without a,significant bursary or parental help so he needs to stop thinking about that now or for msnu years

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs you cracked me up with your comment about his private education not really teaching him much! So true!! He is the worst advert for it, I went to state school, got a degree and am way more intelligent than him. He has such a narrow mind sometimes.
I have muted his number on my phone and told him he is stressing me out right now.
I think once I get to speak to my mum in a couple of weeks I might see if she can talk to him. It's worked before.
This private school obsession though does make some sense to me, he explained yesterday how it made him emotional thinking of the time he was there as it was when his dad died. He failed because of that and feels like he needs to make amends and see his children finish their education like he never did. He also argues that it's one of the more affordable schools and you get a lot for your money plus it's a french school and he seems to think it's really beneficial to raise bilingual kids, maybe he's right. He is still deluded though, I think the only language lessons they taught him was how to talk out of your arse. I think a lot of it has to do with how much his mum struggled for her kids and he thinks that's how you should bring up your kids, to give them everything you can even if it means working yourself to death!
The more i think about it the more anxious I get. I've been struggling today, trying to also get my first doctors appointment is stressing me out too. My doctors have changed their booking system so I have to call every morning to see if they can fit me in within 48 hours, but by the time I get through all the appointments are booked up! It's ridiculous. Have decided to register with a new gp which I've read has compassionate doctors who actually look you in the eye when you are talking to them! Wow! I can't wait haha.
Thank you all for being here for me, you're keeping me sane :)

Step away from the crazy man. Really really no benefit from these daft discussions. You are having a baby - its that simple. School is a couple of 1000 sleepless nights away. And private school is this primary ie post 8 or post 13? And is this small clump of cells boarding too? And which Uni is it going to. Red brick horror presumably not allowed? And your grandchildren? Has he set up there trust fund yet? If not best hurry with that too!

Honestly enjoy being pregnant. Tell him to fuck off for at least a week, preferably longer. And just live in the present. All its going to need for the next 9 months is You. Then the 6 months after that is hey You and nappies. If he manages to lever his head out of arse in the meantime open discussions, otherwise just tell him to take a hike every time he is ridiculous.

Oh my gosh, he's being just horrible to you I am so sorry!! I am in a VERY similar situation and considering abortion because of my partner. I don't know what to do, I don't think I could cope and I certainly wouldn't be with him if I did.... but I can't cope financially on my own with another childs... so I am stuck between a rock and a hard place :-(

Mica,

The thing that has been bothering me is how he asked to see your cycle charts to see when the best time was then tells you he didn't realuse it was a'danger' time! Has he been leading you on about wanting a baby all along and looking at your charts to try and avoud conception?!

Hopefully it is just him pannicing because its suddenly becoming a reality, but keep an eye out for him trying another tack eg being nice and supportive to try to talk you round from another direction.

I think you could be right that his private school obsesion comes from his mother working herself into the ground to pay for his education. I have realised how much of my parents I have subconciously absorbed! And surely she wouldn't have put herself through those hardships if it wasn't worth it? Maybe when you are ready to talk to him you can use your own education and qualifications as an example of succesful state school education. I also went to a mediocre state school but came out with 4 A levels and went on to achieve a 2:1 BSc in my profession. My mother was severely traumatised by boarding school from 8 years old, she can't watch Harry Potter because it brings back traumatic memories of boarding!

As for it being a French school, whilst speaking another language has its advantages would all lessons be taught in French, surely this would put the child at a disadvantage to children learning in their first language?

Regardless you have years before you need to decide which school!

As for him helping you to sort your finances out, do you feel like you need help to sort them out? And if so is he the best person to help you, especially with these possible debts of his.

Personally I would put the breaks on with buying this property together, spend some time appart focus on looking after you and baby. Be cautious about giving up the independance of your own place with how he has been behaving lately.

Losingmyboy, sorry to hear you are also in a similar situation.

"I don't think I could cope and I certainly wouldn't be with him if I did"

I suspect that you are much more capable than you are giving yourself credit for. Have you tried looking on the government website at what financial help would be available to you on your own with your children? This might help inform you.

I too think it is quite possible that thinking about the kind of childhood he had and the choices his parents made and how he felt about that and the narrative he has created around it is affecting hos ideas about parenthood.

But

1. these are his issues to deal with. He should get some counselling and stop dumping his shit on you.

2. you can have as many ideas about being a parent as you like. Being one is a totally different experience and rarely goes the way you plan it (not necessarily a bad thing).

But mainly keep him well away until he can get a grip.

I don't think a foreign language school is of any benefit to home life if neither of the parents speak that language, tbh.

Today i have decided to try to not let any of this worry me, I'm going to try to be as positive as I can. Otherwise I feel like it could be a downward spiral and I'll just feel worse. I think whatever happens he's not going to leave me to raise a child on my own. And also maybe I'm letting his worries about school bother me too much and maybe he'll slowly realise that it won't matter so much. I'm probably sounding very naive but all I can worry about is myself and this child at the moment and things will work themselves out. I hope when my family get back from holiday I will have their support so I won't feel so vulnerable. I think I am going to try hard to focus on the present and not to worry about what hasn't happened yet, be grateful for what I have and that it could be a lot worse (no job, renting a flat with others, no support network) I also believe I will be a great mum and my friends have always told me that, even when I was younger?! So this could be the making of me.
Having some time away from him has been really hard and it makes me realise how much we love each other and this shouldn't be something that drives us apart but brings us closer. I think he is just panicking and if he continues to push me on his views I will just tell him I need another week away from him as i can't listen to that right now.

Losingmyboy I am so sorry to hear you are going through similar but glad you have reached out. Have you got supportive friends/family you can confide in? I am finding that to be very helpful right now, just knowing you aren't going through this turmoil alone. Feel free to private message me if you need someone to talk to. You are strong so just hang in there. Wish it was a simple as deciding whether to either have it or not but it isn't! Never thought I'd be in this position. But I have a close friend who had a baby on her own last year and she;s so inspiring, she hasn't regretted it.

You cannot continue like this. He is harming your mental health and putting you and pregnancy at risk with stress.

His objections are irrelevant now as you are already pregnant and don't want a termination.

There's never a right time to have a baby. Some people do all the plans, sort the money house car job etc then can't conceive.

Money, education, pets and hobbies can all be managed as time passes. The immediate right here, right now is there's a baby coming and you need support. It is him being selfish having had unprotected sex and then expecting you to abort AND then wait a year while your fertility drops off a cliff and he can 'change his mind.'

A termination could cause you physical and mental issues. I am pro choice but it is your body and he is bang out of order trying to pressure you into abortion. A relationship cannot survive a forced abortion, you'd always resent him and even more so if this ended up having been your only chance of a family.

He's made naff all commitment to you of any meaningful kind in 4 years. He can start again any time, meet someone younger and have a family, you can't.

Babies don't cost the earth, they just need feeding, love, a bed, bath and car seat to start and clothing and all this can be had cheaply by shopping around or free/second hand from some sources.

Don't let him bully you. Put boundaries in place now. If he continues to push for termination you will be unable to see him as it is not an option and is causing you undue stress and upset.

MusicIsMedicine he has stopped pushing me to terminate it and now the issue is we're assuming it's going to happen but he is stressing about how we can afford it. If he carried on pushing for a termination I would have walked away by now.
I don't want to even mention that word any more as it upsets me. Sorry.

all I can worry about is myself and this child at the moment and things will work themselves out.

This. Get a t-shirt, a poster and a mug and everytime he opens his mouth just point to it

Mica, glad you are feeling more positive, sounds like you are taking a good approach to it focusing on you and baby.

Glad to hear it.

He sounds like he has massive anxiety issues. Babies really don't cost fortunes. None of us knows what tomorrow will bring. Right now he doesn't need to be stressing you out.

Boundaries are needed for the sake of your sanity. I had my mother walloping my head in the early weeks. About how I needed to get a pram ASAP. One fit to see baby through to toddler stage. Whilst I was laid in hospital unable to eat or drink for ten days after weeks with extreme sickness and worried for my baby's survival. FFS.