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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Please help calm an upset mum-to-be :(

52 replies

OrchidLilly14 · 06/05/2016 22:59

Hello everyone,

I'm really hoping you can help an upset, anxious mum-to-be?!

I'm three weeks from my due date and I am feeling very apprehensive about the arrival of my baby. I'm not nervous about her being here or about looking after her, but after 8 months of being made to feel like a complete failure, I'm absolutely terrified that I'm going to be a rubbish Mum.

Unfortunatley, I've not had a very good pregnancy and, even though I've dreamt of being pregnant for years, I feel like I've had the joy of this experience completely robbed from me. Over the last couple of weeks I was finally getting excited about things and was feeling more confident about my pregnancy. Maternity leave was about to begin and I was excited about nesting and dreaming about my little ones arrival. I was starting to feel really positive about things. However, I've recently experienced two pretty aweful meetings with a local Midwife and future Health Visitor and, to top this off, a few family members have proceeded to, once again, make me feel like the plans and decisions I've been trying to make about the raising of my baby, aren't good enough.

I honestly feel like, once my little one is here, I'm going to be shoved out of the picture and made to do things that I don't want too.

I just want to be a Mum to my beautiful girl so badly .... I want to give her the best that I can but I feel that, in doing what I believe is right for her, that I am going to become the 'she devil' with people around me. I don't want to ruin her childhood or cause unwanted stress between family members and me. I just want to raise a healthy, happy baby!!

Has anyone else been in this situation/experienced anything like this before? Do I have any right to stand my ground with with family members and health care professionals, or should I just back down to kep the peace?

Can anyone help?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post. I really appreciate it :)
OrchardLilly14

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Bearfacedchic · 07/05/2016 00:35

Oh yes- meant to add- I've attended hynobirthing classes and it was doing this that gave me the confidence to believe I can have a home birth and to advocate on my own and my child's behalf. It is well worth the money in my opinion. As well as this, the techniques I've learnt and knowledge I've gained have really empowered me too. I think I would have been confused and a bit frightened if I hadn't done the course. I now know what I want and am looking forward to a positive birth experience, whatever that may entail, given the unpredictable nature of birth. I really wish the same for you. Good luck!

Embolio · 07/05/2016 01:00

OP as someone said up thread, parenting 101: everyone's a critic. With regard to family I'd just smile and nod and get on with doing your own thing. When your baby arrives you can say things like "that's interesting but we're doing it this way" or "we've found X works really well for us" and just repeat ad infinitum. or just tell people to butt out if you want to be blunt. I found most people were well meaning really, lots have strange opinions/advice but the beauty of being the actual parent is you can do what you want.

Thinking of your plan for a home birth, as with anything birth related, be positive and confident but don't set it in stone - start at home, if all goes smoothly that's great but if you have to transfer its not the end of the world. If you're not comfortable with your midwife though try to change. You need to feel supported.

I expressed exclusively for ds2 who was prem and had no suck reflex. I had no probs getting milk but had a hospital grade double pump. I had to express every 3 hours round the clock - it's exhausting. I lasted until about 10 weeks before changing over to formula. I also had a very young toddler at home and just couldn't keep it up once ds was home and we were getting back to normal. Some women manage to weaning and beyond though so it can be done. Just see how it goes.

Good luck with it all

Barefootcontessa84 · 07/05/2016 06:56

Perhaps your midwife/family is concerned because they think you might be fixated on the home birth/express feeding/whatever, whereas the reality of the situation can be quite different (as said in all comments above). Perhaps showing that you clearly accept you have preferences, but are prepared to go with the flow to accommodate the baby first will help in getting people to back off a bit? It does sound like you're happy to be flexible with the feeding to start with.

WellErrr · 07/05/2016 07:01

She's right about the exclusive expressing imo, it's a total pain in the arse.

Far better to breastfeed, but then express some feeds for when DH has her.

Breastfeeding is unpredictable and on demand...no reason why he can't do some feeds but I totally agree about you mainly breastfeeding unless there are medical issues. If I were your friend and you asked me id tell you the same.

toopeoply · 07/05/2016 07:09

You've been given some great advice but just wanted to add about the expressing. I've been doing it exclusively for 7 weeks now as my premature baby is in hospital and still tube fed, and it's bloody hard work. It's stressful, tiring, a complete hassle and I do anything to be able to feed directly!

Pootles2010 · 07/05/2016 07:17

Honestly, id say the absolute best advice to any mum is 'see how you go'. Just see what happens! Nothing is set in stone, prepare for what you fancy doing but keep an open mind. Best of luck and enjoy it!

Greyhorses · 07/05/2016 07:28

I didn't even have a plan at all, just go with the flow and it will all fall into place

0hCrepe · 07/05/2016 07:41

It's their job to explain risks etc. They're not just trying to piss on your bonfire. Re the home birth if you start at home you could deliver there too but just be aware you could end up going in.
Babies come with their own ideas right from the beginning!
Good luck and congratulations!

Niknak1980 · 07/05/2016 07:43

Hi! I just wanted to add to that as someone who's breastfed and expressed the occasional bottle for my dp to give, I found that I focused on feeding the baby and my dp focused on keeping me fed and made tea the midwife told him that every time I was bf he needed to make me some toast etc and I think it really made him feel involved. He also took her for walks and had tons of cuddles - she's been mad about him from day one and they have a great bond. There were some days when I was shattered and she had a formula bottle from dp and it was a godsend! Especially in the summer.
Re family, can you get your dp to speak to people or can you have a chat as a united front with the ones who are stressing you out the most? He might have to be in charge of fobbing people off when you first get home. It's ok to close the curtains and tell people to give you some peace until it suits you to have visitors x

Jenny70 · 07/05/2016 07:49

Health professionals sound like they are doing their job, to inform you and make sure you're aware of all aspects of the choices you are making. It's great that these things are planned, and it sounds for all the right reasons, but making you aware that things don't go to plan is important.

As for family, setting up nursery, buying different bath - that is disturbing. You're going to need to have a thick skin, and strong responses prepared in advance.

"why don't you use this bath?" - I have one that we are happy with, are you able to return it, or should I donate it to XX women's shelter/charity?
"when will baby stay over with her grandma? " - she's far too little for sleepovers, probably will be for some years yet.
"She's my grandchild, I want to wake her/hold her/feed her chocolate" - I know you love her and that's great, but we are her parents and we get to decide on when she's sleeping/fed etc

And a few, "if you want to spend time with her, you will need don't respect our parenting choices" thrown in for good measure.

kinkytoes · 07/05/2016 07:54

Just popped on to say, you and your partner must stand your ground in the days and weeks following the birth if you need to. If you're overwhelmed by visitors, however well meaning, it could cause you extra stress that you really don't want. Your hormones will already be making you feel teary and emotional, so don't be afraid of putting visitors off until YOU feel ready. Concentrate on you, baby and dp.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 07/05/2016 08:04

Your family sound rather overbearing.

This is your baby, not theirs. You need to find a way to stand firm and tell them that you and your DP will decide what's best for your family, not them. The responses Jenny70 has suggested are a good starting point.

rainbowstardrops · 07/05/2016 08:12

You need to stand up to the family members as of now OP, otherwise they will take over.
It's your baby and you decide how to bring her up.
Put your foot down!

Tamsynburton1 · 07/05/2016 08:23

I bf my little one till she was 1, I tried to express so my partner could feed but I just couldn't. I never even planned to bf before I gave birth it.

People are always going to have an opinion no matter what you do, I got called selfish by my mil for bf cause she wanted to feed the baby and I'm currently pregnant with my next one and she's already made a remake about me wanting to bf again. You can't let it bother you, it used to get to me. But it got to the point that other things are more important, just ignore them. Do what's best for you.

Tamsynburton1 · 07/05/2016 08:24

Not gave birth to it, to her.

peppatax · 07/05/2016 08:32

With regards to having a homebirth (I had my 1st at home), chances are if 'your' midwife isn't on duty then you'll get another midwife anyway. I must say, I decided pretty late in the day (37 weeks) to try and have a homebirth but the most important thing is that the higher your expectations are the more likely you'll feel disappointed by whatever happens.

With regards to feeding, could you look around a group of friends and be able to tell how they were fed as babies? It really does not matter. The important thing is that the baby is fed, who/how/when/where is not important.

As for your family, just something you have to get used to I'm afraid!

Jenijena · 07/05/2016 08:35

Just thought id give you some 'bonding' experience which might help you. 5 week old is bfing but everything else, Dad does as i'mtrying to sleep! So he actually gets more of the cute 'awake' time than I do... I do express a bottle most days but that's in the vain attempt thaf I might get a block of three hours sleep in the evening...

'Your' midwife is unlikely to be on shift when you're in labour. Have you got a home birth kit yet? You can ask for an alternative midwife.

ElspethFlashman · 07/05/2016 08:45

The bath thing makes me laugh with the memory of us trying to bath our newborn.

We went to such pains buying it! But he FREAKED. We of course persisted for several weeks (cos that's what you're supposed to do, right???)

But eventually I said a weary "fuck this" and bathed him in my arms with facecloths instead. And he was quiet as a mouse! I did that for weeks until DH and I just started bathing him in our arms in the big bath, which he didn't object to too much.

So we have a very expensive baby bath that was a total waste of money!

The most stressful thing about the weeks before the birth is feeling you're not in control. Then you have the baby and realise with some surprise that the baby is in control! So everyone (and that includes the in laws) end up going along with the baby.

The most powerful words in a new mums repertoire are "The baby will get very upset - trust me". People tend to look uncertain hearing that. It gives you a bit of power back.

ElspethFlashman · 07/05/2016 08:50

Oh, and keep this "nursery" in perspective. Breastfed babies don't have overnights. In fact they don't leave their mums at all. So when is the baby gonna be free to use it? ??

And even when it's weaned, it doesn't like to be away from people. And it's too small anyway. So it has to be in the kitchen with everyone and the nursery is still pointless.

Maybe it can be used when he's about two?

But before that I'm afraid the relative is a bit in the clouds tbh.

Backhometothenorth · 07/05/2016 11:29

Listen to well-meaning advice by all mean but you are the mummy and you will learn what is best for you and baby as you go through this journey together.

You will have to be flexible as you and baby work things out - I had plans to mixed feed but DD never took the bottle and I ended up breastfeeding her till she was able to drink from a cup!!

Have confidence and enjoy this special time

n0ne · 07/05/2016 11:52

I don't know about the advice in the UK but I was told to express from day 1 (bf the baby first, express after and freeze it) so baby learned to take a bottle very early on and I was building up a stash for later on. It was bloody hard, exhausting work for the first month, but I managed to

n0ne · 07/05/2016 11:55

Sorry, hit reply.

I managed to bf my DD for nearly 2 years, not a drop of formula. I also had a home birth which went perfectly. It can be done! Just do your homework - we took a brilliant class on birthing which taught breathing techniques and labouring positions etc which I really needed on the day. I wouldn't have coped without. Good luck!

Kimuli · 07/05/2016 12:32

Keep your options open concerning the birth and breastfeed your baby and occasionally express for DP to help out.
Breastfeeding enables you to hold in to your baby for as long as you want without interference from family members. It's been a lifesaver for me.
Interfering family will try to put you off breastfeeding but stand your ground and establish boundaries soonest.

Dixiechick17 · 07/05/2016 14:38

I'm 11 months along with being a first time Mum, and one thing that I have learnt is "my baby, my choice". Ask family members if they would have liked to be told what they should and shouldn't be doing for their child, I found criticism really hard in the first few months and at one point just burst into tears, when my family saw that thwir interfering was upsetting me they backed off and in turn I stood up to them about things such as not wanting to leave DD to cry it out, exclusively breastfeeding and rocking her to sleep... apparently I was making a rod for my own back, but looking back I wouldn't change a thing and glad that my husband and I are persevering and making choices that we are comfortable with. Don't let them ruin those first months getting to know your Little one, Happy Mum equals a happy baby.

My DH gave our DD one bottle of expressed milk a day from two weeks old, I had a good supply but could really only get a good size bottle expressed first thing in the morning, so enough for one of her night feeds. Plenty of rest is pretty key for a good yield when expressing, which is difficult with a newborn, but expressing is definitely worth a go if it makes you happy.

Oh, and as far as visitors are concerned get your DH to turn them away at the door if you are not up to it, or get them to bring a dinner!

f1ddlesticks · 07/05/2016 16:52

FWIW I expressed exclusively for six months for DD... Not by choice (as in I didn't plan to) but because my BF experience was a disaster and I felt it was the easy option once she arrived! Although it was hard, and I had to pump 6-8 times a day, including in the night, I actually quite enjoyed it. I thought it really helpful at the time that DP could share the feeds and getting up int he night (apart from when I had to pump). I wondered why more people didn't do it! I even managed to donate some extra milk I had.

Couldn't keep it up beyond 6m and I wouldn't be able to do it for a second baby because there just wouldn't be the time, but don't be put off by people / midwives saying it's too difficult. It's just not people's usual first choice for feeding their baby but I don't see anything wrong with it.

Good luck!

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