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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Colleague has lost her baby at 18 weeks....

28 replies

Myfairone · 09/01/2007 12:14

I feel so devastated for her. I really do not know what to say. She was due back into work yesterday but we got a message saying that she was off sick for the week. THere are 4 of us that work really closely and it seemed so strange that none of us had heard from her.

She texted me this morning to tell me that she lost the baby yesterday and I don't know what to say.

I have so many emotions going round in my head right now and I really want to just sit and cry (but I am in work and only 4 of us knew she was pregnant) I am 11+2 and I feel so bad for her and its sent me into a real panic. For some stupid reason I thought that once you got to 12 weeks everything was okay.

I have no idea what to say to her except I'm sorry....
Any ideas anyone?
Sorry for the jumbled post, I just feel so emotional and stressed out.

OP posts:
lazyemma · 09/01/2007 12:33

God, how awful for her. I can understand your confusion too.

re: what to say - I don't think there's anything you can say except that how sorry you are, that you're thinking of her, and that if she needs someone to talk to about it to you're there for her. I know your own pregnancy will make you feel a bit unsure about how best to respond from now, and I sympathise, but for now I don't think it'll be so much of an issue for her as it might be in the future.

weewilliewinkie · 09/01/2007 12:38

Your poor friend. There's not much you can say to her to make her feel better, I'm afraid. You just have to let her know that you are sorry for her loss, and will be there if she needs to talk - although don't expect her to want to talk just yet. And she will most likely find it really hard to talk to you given your own pregnancy - this isn't personal, btw.

I had a m/c at 15 weeks and was devastated. I had to lie low for a good while before I could face people - partly for their sake as I knew how hard it would be for others to deal with me, especially those who had never experienced such a thing. And I found it almost impossible to be around other pregnant women, and had to leave a few situations before I broke down. Your friend will be grieving and needs time to heal, but whatever you do don't ignore it - maybe send a card or some flowers. She's dealing with a physical loss as well as an emotional one and it take time to heal. Knowing that all her friends will be there for her when she's ready to talk will comfort her.

liquidclocks · 09/01/2007 12:55

I lost my first at 16 weeks and it was physically devastating as well as emotionally. I found it difficult to walk anywhere for a week and didn't return to work for two. Encourage your friend to extend her sick leave if she needs it.

Don't say nothing, do say how sad you feel for her. Don't say that she can have another, she wanted this LO and he/she can never be replaced. I know it's hard but I felt sad when people talked to me about it but less sad than if they'd ignored the event - hope that makes sense.

Agree with weewilliewinkie too, don't take it personally if she finds it hard to be around you. I struggled for months to be comfortable around prenant women but not because I was jealous, just because it reminded me of my own sadness.

Also, don't panic yourself, most pregnancies are safe after the first trimester so your pregnacy is probably going ot be fine.

Chooster · 09/01/2007 12:58

The only thing I would add is to emphasise what weewilliewinkie has said about making sure you dont ignore it. After I lost my son at 21wks, I also kept a low profile but then when I did start seeing people again, no-one said anything to me about it. I think everyone was afraid of my reaction but at that stage I would have really appreciated someone mentioning it so I could talk about him.

It may also be an idea to remember when the baby would have been born and maybe a little card around that time will show you've remembered and that you care.

Just the fact that you are thinking about her and posting on here means you'll be a great friend to her.

Marina · 09/01/2007 13:04

I'm so sorry to hear about this Myfairone.
Unfortunately quite a few of us on Mumsnet know that sometimes things do go badly wrong in the second trimester
She might possibly have started to buy or be given a few little things for her baby. Something that might be a nice gesture might be to buy a pretty memento box for her to put things in - scan photos for example.
As others have said, the best thing you can do for her is not to pretend nothing has happened. Ask how she is. Talk about her baby with her if she wants to. Make a mental note of what should have been her EDD and maybe send her flowers or a card at that time. In fact, send her a card now.
I appreciate how upsetting this news must be for you, also pregnant . She does need her friends more than ever right now, so try to be strong for her...and remember that second trimester stillbirths and miscarriage ARE much rarer than pregnancy loss before 12 weeks.
Take care.

weewilliewinkie · 09/01/2007 13:04

Another thing - don't say to her anything along the lines of 'it wasn't meant to be..' - so many folk said this to me and it made me so mad. Ditto the whole 'you can have another' - she doesn't want another baby, she wanted the one that she had.

It's a lovely, thoughtful idea to remember when her baby would have been due, and let her know you remember. It's a hard day to cope with but I also found it very healing, almost like the end of a chapter; hopefully your friend will find that too.

Original poster
Myfairone · 09/01/2007 14:32

Thank you all so very much. I posted this and then thought how insensitive it was of me to post it in the pregnancy section...apologies to anyone that was upset reading it.

Thank you for your suggestions. I went out for a walk to clear my head and when I got back to my desk I had a missed call from her. I called her back and said that I was so very sorry and that I am here for her if she wants to talk. She said she wanted to make sure I am okay (that has to be the most selfless action ever and choked me up so much but obviously held it back from her!) and that she wasn't ready to talk about it.

I told her that I was thinking of her and sending her love and hugs and that she could call me whenever she wanted to.

I feel so sad and so sorry for her. I will remember the EDD because its around my birthday and will send her a card and flowers today.

Thank you all once again for your advice and I am so sorry that so many of you have had this experience.

Big hugs to all.

OP posts:
time4tea · 09/01/2007 15:01

this is such a lovely thread - so much care and concern from all parties. I feel choked that your friend was worried for you, and I can see how that would be - things going wrong in a friend's pregnancy can really make you more anxious about your own.

When I had a mc (and I've recently lost my dad too, so have had a fair amount of experience recently in this area) is that friends can make a sad time transformed. As well as the tips shared by other posters, I'd add, you could ask your friends if she would like you to contact anyone in particular (especially colleagues) to let them know, and then also this gives you a chance to tactfully suggest a small gesture of acknowledgement of what she is going through, like a card, or flowers on behalf of the colleagues etc. My colleagues are great on this kind of thing, and it did help a lot. Also, there are all sorts of friends who you would want to know, but it doesn't seem like the right sort of thing to send a multi-addressee email about. Lots of people fear the bereaved, and would rather say nothing than say the wrong thing - human and understandable, but also very hurtful, as it comes across as if people don't care. So a tactful caring friend letting others know can be a boon, espeically as people do care, but don't want to be a bother. some friends had a really scary birth when it was in the balance for a while whether or not the baby suffered long-term damage. EVERYONE wanted to know what was happening, but no-one wanted to bug them, so one person kept everyone else informed, and it helped a lot.

take care of yourself, as well as your friend, you sound like a wonderful person XXX

Original poster
Myfairone · 09/01/2007 16:43

Time4tea - thank you for the message and the words of advice.
This is the time to say how much I love Mumsnet for all the wonderful words of wisdom and truely great people that are on here!

I decided I wanted to send her some flowers and a card but the HR department have refused me her address, so now I have to hunt around for it because I although we are good friends at work we havent ever had to write each other letters!

Have a great evening everyone and take good care.

And again thank you.

OP posts:
twoplusone · 09/01/2007 17:19

myfairone - so sorry to here about your friend

Hope you are ok ...

pistachio · 09/01/2007 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marina · 10/01/2007 09:11

It's not trivial at all pistachio - a good HR department should offer to do that in this sort of situation.
Maybe if you explain without giving any specific details Myfairone...
We had a colleague who was missing for several hours during 7/7 (on one of the trains trapped underground behind the Aldgate blast). Although we all know him really well, none of us had his mobile number...and HR would not give that out either. So we told them to ring his wife in Italy and keep her reassured and updated .

Original poster
Myfairone · 10/01/2007 10:54

I totally accept and respect HR's decision to withold her address. I had a long chat with them and they said they didnt feel it appropriate to send flowers as that is what they do in the event of a birth. I understand that.

Thanks again for all of your comments and helpful advice.

hugs to all.

OP posts:
weewilliewinkie · 10/01/2007 11:47

Hi,

Just wanted to say - I received quite a few bunches of flowers after my m/c and really appreciated it. Flowers can be sent for any occasion really, it's a lovely gesture so don't let your HR dept tell you what you can and can't send! Is there no way you can hunt down her address - if you know roughly where she lives try bt.com, or b4usearch.com (think that's right). Remember, you're the one closer to your friend than the HR dept so you probably know what she would and wouldn't like.

firststar · 10/01/2007 12:37

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Myfairone · 10/01/2007 13:29

weewillywinkie - I want to send flowers because she is always ordering them for friends and family so I know she is a flower person (if that makes sense). I am discreetly asking if anyone has her address but it doesnt help because she recently moved!

Firststar - I texted her this morning to say that I was just letting her know I was thinking of her and I hope shes doing okay. Nothing much anyone can say or do so just thought I would offer a few hugs and thoughts. What makes it worse is that there are 2 pregnant women here right now (me and one other) and I can only imagine how hard it is going to be for her to come back.

OP posts:
firststar · 10/01/2007 14:12

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Myfairone · 10/01/2007 14:46

I totally understand what you are saying firststar. Its always hard to judge isnt it? And if you get it wrong you either come across as being cold or too 'over the top'.

She replied to my text from this morning by saying that it meant a lot to know that I was thinking of her. So, I think I will text her every few days with a text she doesnt have to reply to...

Thanks for all the advice, this is whole new territory for me and its not helping that I am tearful,hormonal and not reacting very well to things right now!

OP posts:
eemie · 10/01/2007 15:20

I would have appreciated it so much if anyone had sent flowers. It's what you do when someone dies too, after all. I could have done with any scrap of comfort and I remember how immensely consoling it was to see beautiful flowers at the funerals of those close to me. When you lose a baby you go through emotions that can't easily be put into words and many people, even with the best intentions, say things that make you feel worse. If she's a 'flower person' that's all the more reason to trust your instinct.

I'm sorry this has cast a shadow over your pregnancy - you must feel threatened - you'll have to think of your own needs as well. I was grateful to a pregnant friend who just asked me straight out whether I'd rather she kept clear of me for a while. By the same token, if your friend needs to talk about her loss, maybe it shouldn't be to you?

firststar · 10/01/2007 16:43

Message withdrawn

wilkie50 · 10/01/2007 17:32

Myfairone - thought I would put my two pence worth in....I had a m/c last year and got the most beautiful bouquet from my friend - it meant so much to me. Definately try and get her address, it will be so much appreciated.

Look after yourself too, you do still have every right to be extremely excited about your pg too

xxxx

liquidclocks · 10/01/2007 20:35

myfairone - I think it's a lovely idea to send flowers. If you haven't managed to get her address yet then why not ring/text her and ask for her address as you'd like to send a card, then send the flowers as a surprise. My husband's work colleagues did this for me and I really appreciated it. I also received flowers from a few other people and I think it's entirely appropriate. I've bought flowers for friends that have m/c too and they've said afterwards that it was appreciated.

Original poster
Myfairone · 11/01/2007 11:21

Thanks again for all the replies ladies (this is such a great website and the support is wonderful!)

I am going to text her later on and say I would like to send her a card and if thats okay to text back her address. That way she can make the decision for me.

I just want her to feel supported and I am fully aware that she may find it hard to be around me but the fact she called to see if I was okay (still brings tears to my eyes) suggests that she doesn't mind me contacting her. I mean we are friends after all!

All of this has sent me in a spin and I am worrying more about my pregnancy but I have my 12 weeks scan on Tuesday so am hoping that I can put my mind at rest after that!

Thanks again for all your support and big hugs to you all.

OP posts:
Miaou · 11/01/2007 11:37

myfairone, no advice to add to the fabulous posts already, but as a fellow due-in-July-er I just wanted to add my sympathy for both your colleague and you. I think it's a devastating thing to hear whatever stage of life you are at, but agree that when you are pregnant it really does make you feel more vulnerable. Try not to worry my love (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))

Original poster
Myfairone · 11/01/2007 14:21

Thank you Miaou. I felt so selfish last night getting so stressed out when everything is fine with me (I hope)...My husband just kept saying that we are two different people and that its dreadful but I have to be positive for my scan on Tuesday. Everyone has been really great telling me all the positive things I should think of but it doesn't stop the 'what if's' that are in my head...

Just need my scan and then I hope that I can rest.

In the meantime, my heart goes out to my friend and I feel so bad for her and terribly selfish.

OP posts:
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