Sad at having different surname to children

[iloveberries]

I have DS with my EXH. I kept my married name as it felt very much mine. I had established my career with this name and most importantly I like having the same name as DS.

I am pregnant with a much wanted baby with my new partner (not that new!) He wants the baby to have his surname and I can fully understand that but I feel really sad at having a different name to baby. I think one day we may marry but even then I think I would like to keep my current name (ex H name and same as DS as it feels very much mine.)

I know this is a trivial problem and name is just a name and the main point is that we are so delighted to be having a baby after a few troubles long the route to healthy pregnancy but I can't shake that feeling that I feel uncomfortable that the baby will have his last name and not the same as me.

I am also self-employed and have a unique name so I understand those reasons for keeping it professionally.

however, you are essentially playing the 'why don't you? yes, but...' game. There is no solution because you are saying that every single option is unacceptable to you.

Also, it is disingenuous of you to say 'My name is my name. I don't see it as my exH's name. I've had it for years and it's who I am. I feel like and I am the person with my name. I like the name. '

For the following reasons:

1. If the situation was reversed, how would you feel? I can tell you 100% that I would absolutely hate the idea of my husband, his ex-wife, their child, and OUR CHILD sharing the same surname.

2. You presumably had your maiden name for years and years - more years I'm guessing, unless you married very young. You adjusted to one change, you can adjust to another.

3. 'Even if I wanted to change it then I think his father would be hugely opposed to that.' So it's not just 'your name', is it? It's a name you share with your ex, and with your son that you have with him, and you now want to give that name to your new baby too, with your current partner?

Frankly, in your partner's situation I would feel beyond angry. I would feel so insulted, pushed out, and even like it was being suggested that your ex is the father of the new baby.

it's a distortion to say that this the usual 'his name or my name?' debate about a baby whose parents have different names. Actually it's 'his name or ex-husband's name?', and no wonder he is unhappy.

"Frankly, in your partner's situation I would feel beyond angry. I would feel so insulted, pushed out, and even like it was being suggested that your ex is the father of the new baby"

As I said. A completely patriarchal naming system. What men want, and whst makes them feel all macho and potent carries the day.

meredith - my point is that I believe my DS doesn't want to change his name. If he did then his dad wouldn't wAnt him to.

If we tried to double barrel DP's DCs names then his EXW wouldn't want that either.

I don't like my maiden name as a name, also it's who I was not who I am and it's not just a name. I had a very unhappy time with that name and I want to put those years behind me.

If my only options according to you are double barrel, maiden or DPs then I would go for DPs name.

Of course as far as any of us know, your DP's name might be his married name - the name of his ExWthat he took on marriage.......

I know you say it's your name, and it is, but it's your name because it is your ex husbands name and you took it on marrying him. You didn't pick it out of a phone book. Giving the new baby your name would be something I'd totally agree with, but I can understand why your partner wouldn't want his child to go through life with your ex husbands name. You set a precedent when you have the first child his fathers name. I don't see how you can name this child after your ex husband without causing a great amount of hurt to your partner, or even causing a rift. But if it's what you're set on doing, I hope you find a way to make it work.

If my only options according to you are double barrel, maiden or DPs then I would go for DPs name.

Or going for a clean state with a brand new name, you could do that too. Your partner could even join you?

Yes I really don't want to hurt him and I do see that side of the argument of course.

I guess then double barrelling becomes the only option as if we go for a TOTALLY new option it's a bit like telling our existing kids that me DP and the baby are a "new" family which they aren't part of. I think that would cause a lot of upset - more for his kids but also for my DS.

I generally try and keep the peace and go for what's best for everyone else in my "complicated" family but sometimes I wish I could just do what suited me - even if that does sound selfish!!

BertrandRussell "As I said. A completely patriarchal naming system. What men want, and whst makes them feel all macho and potent carries the day."

Absolute rubbish. Bertrand , you and I have agreed wholeheartedly on these threads in the past (I had a different username) and in this instance, you are wrong. This is nothing to do with patriarchy.

There is no way I could be happy with MY child (speaking as me, as a woman) having my husband's ex-wife's surname. Say we lived in a society where men generally took women's names on getting married, and he had taken hers, I would be beyond appalled at the suggestion that a child of his & mine should have a surname that had come into the family as his ex-wife's family name. And that was shared by both of them and their children together. I would feel utterly excluded and insulted. That's me talking as a woman, not as a man.

It is NOT, in this case, about being macho, patriarchal, or sexist.

The OP is somewhat in denial by saying it's not her ex's name, it's hers. Particularly if you consider this comment about her maiden name:

"I don't like my maiden name as a name, also it's who I was not who I am and it's not just a name. I had a very unhappy time with that name and I want to put those years behind me. "

The implication, therefore, is that she DOES NOT WANT TO PUT THE YEARS WITH HER EX-HUSBAND behind her. In fact it's more than an implication really.

It's not about the sex or gender of those involved.

The time of life I held my maiden name I suffered from eating disorders, was bullied, had depression and self harmed.

Once I was in my mid 20s I found my way out of all that and got married in late 20s so with my married name I do have better memories - of life and of me.

I don't wan to put the years with my ex behind me. I've put that relationship behind me but overall I was happy. I 'found' myself through fulfilling career, motherhood and great friendships and happiness within myself.

Yes the name came from his dad but it's my name. I think if you told any married women that their surname wasn't actually theirs a lot of them would be outraged!

If I were your new partner reading your posts, I would be feeling increasingly unhappy and insecure about the relationship.

I would absolutely hate it if my husband said he wanted to keep his name shared with his ex because it was such a happy time in his life when he found himself, and he "didn't want to put that time behind him". I mean, I'm glad he lived a life before me, as I did before him, but bloody right it should be behind him now, as mine is.

So in an ideal world, according to you, you, your son, your new baby, and your ex-husband would all have the same surname. Your poor partner. I started reading this thread thinking he was a patriarchal bully and have ended up feeling really shit on his behalf.

I'm not saying baby should have my name! My post was about feeling sad we would have different names. Gah!
Anyway - some interesting ideas have been explored so thanks all

I hope you can reach a decision you are comfortable with

That name technically only belongs to your ds , son of your husband.
You only like it , it's not your name.

By 'technically' secondtimearound it would appear that you in fact mean 'some shit I just made up'. Count me down as another who's amused by the attempts to pretend this has nothing to do with patriarchal naming systems also. It has everything to do with patriarchal naming systems. That is literally the thing that has created this set of events.

I was thinking about this last night.

People on this thread said they could understand why DP didn't want his child to have the same name as my ex (someone went even further and said something to the tune of me making out that the baby was my exH's)... But what if I don't want the baby to have the same name as his ex? Does the fact it would feel like DP, his kids and his ex had the same name as my baby and i didn't, matter? Or not?
I'm not being argumentative but this thread has given me a lot to think about!

And to the people who think that my name isn't my name, it's my exH's name....
Do you think on divorce women should be obliged to revert to a maiden or "new"name?
Really interested...

"FWIW, OP, you can call yourself what you like but you can't expect your partner to be happy with your baby having a name that you only have because you were married to someone else."

Yep. Just perfectly natural. Nothing to do with patriarchal naming systems..........

Bertrand what are you talking about??

I usually think you talk a lot of sense on these threads but this time you seem to be wilfully misunderstanding.

The op could have opted out of the patriarchal naming system by either keeping her birth name or choosing an entirely new name for herself. She could have given this name to her children.

She chose to opt into the patriarchal naming system by taking her husband's name and has now got herself into a right mess because she's trying to do some weird mix up of traditional and feminist thinking:

All those arguments about keeping your own name for professional reasons and giving a baby your name don't really work when it's a name that you took to show you were a chattel of your previous partner.

If my husband still called himself his birth name that would be one thing. If he called himself a name he'D taken to signify his oneness with his first wife (and wanted to give their shared name to OUR child ) I'd hate it

Stop sneering at everyone for being less enlightened than you.

And to OP:

People on this thread said they could understand why DP didn't want his child to have the same name as my ex (someone went even further and said something to the tune of me making out that the baby was my exH's)... But what if I don't want the baby to have the same name as his ex? Does the fact it would feel like DP, his kids and his ex had the same name as my baby and i didn't, matter? Or not?

Speaking personally, I would not tolerate that situation. I would never in any case give my child my partner's surname, and not mine, but that would be x100000 if he shared the name with his ex and their joint children. Not in a million billion years.

Why would it be any different to you sharing a name with your ex and your kids?

^And to the people who think that my name isn't my name, it's my exH's name....
Do you think on divorce women should be obliged to revert to a maiden or "new"name?^

Well, again speaking personally, I don't think that women should change their name on marriage at all.

However, we all make mistakes! So personally, yes, I think if a woman has taken her husband's name on marriage, she should change it again if she gets divorced. All you have to do is think for a minute about why you changed it to his name in the first place.

Saying that you wanted to distance yourself from who you were as a young woman is nonsense because you could have changed it to anything. I havve a friend who had a messed-up childhood and a very troubled relationship with her parents. She changed her name when we were at university, to a new name of her choosing. I have no idea if she did it legally or not, but it changed in terms of what everyone calls her, her email address, etc. So there was no need to take his name specifically in order to change your own . You took his name to identify yourself with him and show that you belonged to him. The fact that you don't want to change it now is kind of messed up, given that.