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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Having mum as birthing partner as well as husband

63 replies

Inwaiting · 15/02/2016 13:50

Any thoughts?

I'm kind of 50/50. I'd love my mum to be there for support and guidance on 'd' day but also wonder whether it should just be my husband and I. My mum and I are very close.

Just wondered what you did and whether you think I'd regret it either way?

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maybebabybee · 15/02/2016 22:41

Not everyone feels like that though fresh, my dp wants my mum there as much as I do.

Tbh I have to say even if he didn't I'd probably still fight to have her there, I would need her support.

Sixinabed · 15/02/2016 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreshHorizons · 15/02/2016 22:53

I agree we are all different but DP should be asked- I think he would need to get on very well and you have to hope that your mother puts him first and takes a back seat.

FreshHorizons · 15/02/2016 22:54

Since all my births were really quick it didn't really matter.

FreshHorizons · 15/02/2016 22:57

The last one was 'can I push', the answer being yes and that was it!
Therefore maybe it isn't something I should give an opinion on!

MissFlight · 15/02/2016 23:03

My dd asked me to be at her birth, long labour, baby in distress resulting in an emcs, no histrionics from me. Dd said she was relieved I was with her.

5madthings · 15/02/2016 23:05

You need to have who you are most comfortable with op, if that's your mum and she is happy then have her or if it's your husband have him and if you want both there then you xan have both just be aware if you need emcs only one can accompany you so make sure they know who that will be beforehand.

Really the most important thing is what you are happy with and makes you feel comfortable and supported, birth isn't a spectator sport your birth partner(s) are there to support you.

Fwiw I wouldn't have my mum there but for one of my births I had a friend as well as dh, I had already supported friend when she gave birth to her dd, we are close and it was loveky to have her with me. I don't think I asked dh what he thought, his attitude has always been that I am the one giving birth, it's my body so it's up to me.

Solasum · 15/02/2016 23:10

My mum was with me, and with hindsight it was a mistake. She got a bit panicky,and was completely traumatised at seeing me in pain and not being able to help. A particular highlight was when she started worrying that the contractions weren't doing enough and things were starting to go wrong. I told her to F off. She did in fact stay throughout, but we both wish she hadn't. Never again!

Unfairestofthemall · 15/02/2016 23:20

It was just assumed my mum was going to be there and I'm so grateful she was. I ended up going to theatre for forceps and my DP came with me for that bit. However beforehand she was amazing and afterwards was a real help in sorting the baby out so DP could deal with helping me shower. I'm due any day now with DC2 and she's coming again I'm having a waterbirth this time all going well and the only rule is she isn't allowed to get in with me
End of the day it's up to you but I would always have my mum she knows better than your other half what it's like after all she's been there.

Notso · 15/02/2016 23:32

It never occurred to me to have my Mum there.

cantbelieveImquittingcoffee · 16/02/2016 07:29

My DS had our mum with her throughout her first 4 day labour 8 years ago, and I clearly remember telling my mum afterwards "don't worry, I won't expect you to do this for me!" DS and I have a VERY different relationship with my mum, DS now had 3 DCs and mum was there for all of them, I thought it was a bit unfair on my mum as (being older) she was exhausted being awake for so long plus she is a v anxious person so it was emotionally rough on her. I want it to be just DP and I, and for various other reasons I want to protect my mum from the hard work parts of her new grandchild being born and allow her just the pleasures of it (she has really been through the mill with DS and her family) so it's all part of that for me. but as everyone has said it's completely dependent on your relationship!

Champagneformyrealfriends · 16/02/2016 07:33

I only want my husband there. My mum would try and show off to the midwives about her extensive knowledge and experience of childbirth and probably talk to me like I'm an idiot if I get upset or stressed. There is no way I'd have her there.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 16/02/2016 07:37

It depends on your mum and your DH! Mine was there for both of my births. With DS (1) DH was worse than useless so I threw him out for a while; mum was great, encouraging and kept her eye on what was going on. With DD (2) I only had my mum as DH looked after DS. He hadn't ever wanted to be there but felt social pressure first time around. DM wanted to be there so it was an easy decision.

Oysterbabe · 16/02/2016 08:37

I would never have had her there. It was a special moment for me and DH as a couple.

Ragwort · 16/02/2016 08:42

Like others have said, it would just never have occurred to me to 'invite' my mother to be with me, it's hardly a spectator sport. .

RapidlyOscillating · 16/02/2016 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MYA2016 · 16/02/2016 09:16

My dh was totally against my mum coming as he wanted it to be "intimate" (haha yeah right... It was our first and he didn't know what to expect).
I insisted and now he says he doesn't know why he'd have done without her.
I was I labour for 14 hrs with contractions 2 mins apart from the offset. He found it exhausting as he'd been at work all day and we'd gone straight to the hospital once he got home.. and seeing me in pain was hard for him so he was able to go and take 5 mins every now and then.
As it happened, I got rushed for an emergency section at 9cm dilated as my baby's heartrate plummeted. He was so worried and upset that my mum ended up coming to theatre with me as he didn't feel able to provide me with the support I needed.
I would say go with what you want rather than your partner... they're not the ones having to deliver the baby!

maybebabybee · 16/02/2016 09:44

it would just never have occurred to me to 'invite' my mother to be with me, it's hardly a spectator sport.

I don't think any of us who had our mums there (or will have) have said it is. We've all cited the fact we want her there as additional support.

I don't really think my DP gets much of a say to be honest, I need to feel safe and supported during birth as I'm the one blasting a baby out through my vagina, not him.

Obviously it does totally depend on your relationship, but I certainly don't think your OH's wishes should be the deciding factor in this instance. If there's one thing women ought to be self centred about, it's childbirth!!

MrsCampbellBlack · 16/02/2016 09:55

I think it is up to you and your DH really.

I thought Michael Odent did research that suggested women have better labours if they have a woman with them rather than their actual partner so hardly making it a spectator sport.

However it is quite a while since I had my dc's so the research may be different now.

Good luck with your birth.

SirChenjin · 16/02/2016 09:58

I can imagine that if your husband or partner doesn't make you feel safe and supported through labour then your mum is a good choice (providing she can help you feel that way). Thing is, you don't really know how either of you will actually react the first time round.

If my DH had really, really not wanted my mum there - because he wanted it to be a special time for just him and me - I can't imagine a situation where I'd have said "tough". Each to their own though.

MYA2016 · 16/02/2016 10:00

Ragwort...... "spectator sport" would be live streaming the birth on the Internet not inviting your mother

alltouchedout · 16/02/2016 10:00

I woukd have hated her being there. My DH would have hated it even more. But it's your birth, go with what you want.

Rainbowlou1 · 16/02/2016 10:04

For me it didn't enter my mind to ask her as it was a very private and special time that I didn't want anyone else invading.

maybebabybee · 16/02/2016 10:35

He does make me feel safe and supported, but my mum has had four of her own, knows a lot about childbirth and I know will be able to be assertive with the medical staff if needed. That's what I'm having her there for. DP is more for backrubs

Frazzled2207 · 16/02/2016 10:57

It didn't occur to me to ask her but we have an awkward relationship. Although she broadly gets on with dp it would have been very awkward to have both of them.
However for those close to their mums it's perfectly reasonable.
Completely inappropriate in out situation and I liked it being a private thing for me and dp.
When #2 came along though I had to completely rely on dm to look after #1- now that's an important role for a dm!

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