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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

to find out or not to find out sex of baby

27 replies

Mar19901 · 08/02/2016 23:00

Hi
Still a bit new to mumsnet but I am 18 weeks pregnant and debating with dh whether or not to find out the sex of the baby or not. We were always pretty adamant we wouldn't find out in the build up to falling pregnant but now I am pregnant and can feel the baby move I'm just so eager to find out but dh is still adamant we shouldn't and we should leave it as a surprise just wanted to know everyone else's opinions on this

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Amziix · 08/02/2016 23:05

I found out with my DD, I always said I would though. If I have another I think I would want a surprise. Think about once you have your baby here, what would you regret more? Not finding out the gender or not having that extra surprise? If you and DP have already agreed not to find out I'd be more inclined to stick with the original agreement between you. If baby is happy and healthy the gender is just a bonus! Good luck!

tay13 · 08/02/2016 23:51

I was tempted to have a surprise as this is our rainbow baby, but DH wanted to find out and it has given this baby an identity somehow. I feel excited to know. It's so hard to refuse when asked. Currently 22 weeks and have known since 17 weeks. It is magical either way

RNBrie · 08/02/2016 23:59

We didn't find out with the first two and now we are on the third and I know but dh chose not to.

I really liked having the surprise with one and two, I liked waiting to meet them before naming them, it's so amazing when I gave birth to them with no expectation one way or another.

With the third one I wanted to know for practical reasons. But it's also nice for me as I promised dh I'd keep it a secret as he doesn't know, so I have this secret little thing going on with the baby which is also really nice.

At the end of the day, you can only find out once and it doesn't make a great deal of different either way when that is... Knowing is nice, not knowing is nice too. Congrats!!

Original poster

Mar19901 · 09/02/2016 10:42

Thank u for all the kind replies and congratulations to u all

I think I might just leave it and not find out its true we had always agreed and I'm sure it will be magical as long as the baby is healthy.

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SpecialStains · 09/02/2016 11:46

We're debating the same thing. I want to find out at 20weeks, DH doesn't want to know! I think we'll have to not find out if one of us doesn't want to - but I'm desperate to know! Dhs reasoning is that the longer we wait to find out, the less gender stereotyped crap and comments our families can buy/say. We're not bothered either way what we have, but I really want to know more about baby!

tay13 · 09/02/2016 12:22

SpecialStains why don't you find out but keep it as a secret from family? That's what we've done. Only we know what we're having and when anyone asks we say we haven't found out.. Avoids all the stereotype gifts!

Sunshine511 · 09/02/2016 12:45

I hope I can word this the right way so it doesn't sound bad! I chose not to find out with DC1. I have heard that knowing the sex can help from a bonding point of view. Although I formed a great bond with my baby before her birth, I can imagine that if you know the sex, you will possibly call them by name, it will cunjour up images of your baby dressed in pink or blue and growing from babyhood into a little boy or girl. During the early stages of my pregnancy, a family friend had a still birth and I suppose it rattled me a little and I decided that I wouldn't want to know during pregnancy as I wouldn't want to foresee these things until the baby was here, safe and well. I know my views were massively affected by my family friends devastating loss and I would agree with previous posters that it's the most wonderful surprise, whether you find out after giving birth or at your scan.x

hebs72 · 09/02/2016 12:53

I've known from very early on, but my DH doesn't want to know, so like a previous poster it's my secret.

I'm having 4-weekly scans, so do have to keep telling the sonographers not to let it slip if my DH is there - they seem to enjoy the joke!

Figgygal · 09/02/2016 12:55

I did with my DS and will again....it is a hell of a lot more practical especially with no. 2.

It is a surprise whenever you find out.

With my DS we didn't have any choice anyway you couldn't miss that he was a boy it was very very obvious so you might not get a choice.

makingmiracles · 09/02/2016 13:03

I haven't with any of mine, ds1&2 I didn't want to know, dd1 I decided I did but her position was bad so they couldn't see anyway, number 4 I didn't as it wasn't my baby and the mum and dad didn't want to know! Now having number 5 and not finding out again.

Can understand why people choose to but I do think it ruins the surprise somewhat-unless you find out and don't tell anyone. Also worry that they can and occasionally still do get it wrong!

FellOutOfBedTwice · 09/02/2016 13:21

We didn't find out and even though by the time I was about 35 weeks I was desperate to know, I'm glad we didn't. It was amazing finding out on the day.

Jw35 · 09/02/2016 13:31

I found out last 2 and will find out with this one. I need to know I'm too impatient! I also feel like I will bond better and an start using a name
I'm having a silly fun gender party this time with a cake. It will either have blue icing or pink depending on the gender. I won't know until the party! I will ask the nurse to write it down and I'll give it to a friend who makes cakes! Even waiting an extra few days will be hard!

SpecialStains · 09/02/2016 13:35

Tay how do you have the willpower to not tell people?! I'm so excitable, I'm worried I'll let slip! I have suggested that idea to dh, and he is considering it. We have 7 weeks to decide (we're having 20week scan on my birthday, so might try persuading dh that it would be a nice birthday surprise to find out!).

Hippahippahey · 09/02/2016 13:39

I was planning on a surprise but changed my mind when we found out it was twins. I loved knowing, we chose their names and felt I really bonded with them before they were born.

I didn't go for typical blue nursery and all of our big purchases are neutral but I did love picking boy clothes as I found not much choice in neutral.

No more pregnancies for me but if there was I would definitely find out again.

soundsystem · 09/02/2016 14:08

I found out with my first and I will again with this one.

I love thinking of/talking about name ideas and DH flat out refuses to discuss it until we know the sex as it's "inefficient" otherwise. So I need to know!

cheekstime · 09/02/2016 14:09

I'm going to wait.... thing is it's not 100% accurate at 20 wk scan..now that would put a spanner in the works.

Original poster

Mar19901 · 09/02/2016 14:53

Ah I'm getting confused now I just so want to know I feel like I am already bonding with baby. I don't know if it's due to the struggle of ttc and finally being here but I just really want to know but than I'm not sure I could keep it from dh either. might just leave it until the scan day and hope we get a unmistakeable view

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Jibberjabberjooo · 09/02/2016 15:21

I didn't find out with either. Loved finding out when they were born and the mw announcing what they were. To me finding out before was a bit like opening my Christmas presents early, I liked the surprise and the announcement. Sometimes I think there is a thing of too much over sharing.

Plus, they don't have to be in pink or blue. Some people say they like to prepare, prepare for what? I was never going to put them in a load of blue stuff anyway. There is some lovely unisex stuff out there.

Hippahippahey · 09/02/2016 15:22

I had a private scan at 16 weeks the sex was totally clear so I knew 100%.

Hippahippahey · 09/02/2016 16:45

jibber I found it much easier to prepare knowing the sex, this doesn't mean you're only going to buy pink or blue which is something that's always rattled out on these threads.

I couldn't find any lovely unisex clothes only white (which I bought lots of) or bright, primary colours which is not my taste at all. So I bought boys clothes, don't really see the issue as a woman I don't wear men's clothes.

chaosagain · 09/02/2016 16:47

I'm on number 3. I didn't find out the with either of the first 2, although was tempted. It was so lovely finding out at the birth, especially with number 2 which was the kind of birth I'd hoped for where DH cut the cord and told me the baby's sex as he handed him to me.
With number 3 (I'm 29 weeks), we found out. This was mostly about which bags of clothes in the loft to get rid of but also about our eldest who REALLY wanted a little sister. I'm glad we've had the time to try to convince her another little brother isn't all bad rather than her finding out (and being disappointed!) on the day.
I had an interesting discussion with a friend about this recently. For her, the moment of delivering her baby was so big and overwhelming, it would have felt even more so to be finding out the baby's gender too (she had a pretty rough time with her first whisked off into NICU).
For me, finding out at the moment of birth probably let me focus on that, rather than be overwhelmed by everything else. And it stopped relatives buying stocks of pink or blue things in advance!

Jem01 · 09/02/2016 17:13

We were not planning to find out but now we're approaching our 20 week scan OH is desperate to know, his impatience has surprised us both as he's always said he wanted a surprise. Personally I'm happy to wait but just seeing him so excited to know makes me want to know too!

Sorry, haven't been much help to you OP! Perhaps like others have said either you could find out and keep it to yourself (I couldn't!) or the two of you find out but keep it a secret from everyone else? That's what we're planning to do...

Original poster

Mar19901 · 09/02/2016 21:56

I'm trying to convince myself I'll wait but not sure I can

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Amziix · 09/02/2016 22:29

It's such a special time regardless and you will never get this time back (people told me this when I was pregnant during the heatwave in August and I'd chunter at them about how they knew nothing- they were right!) do what you think will make you happiest during your pregnancy! (Obviously if finding out would result in a standoff with oh about how you're not finding out it may be more difficult!). Good luck with your scan!

Original poster

Mar19901 · 09/02/2016 22:32

Ah thank u I wouldn't want to find out with out dh I feel like we are in this together we are both bonding so much with baby already and after everything we been through I'd like to share this with him.

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