HELP! I'M SHIT AT HYPNOBIRTHING!

[ThirtyNineWeeks]

I am 39+2 and my second baby is due on Thursday. My first baby (she is 22 months old) had to be dragged out by forceps after a 17-hour labour and an epidural (and lots of screaming and gnashing of teeth and telling the midwife - who kept calling me Zoe, which is not my name - to 'fuck off and get me someone who's over eighteen!'). I also had an episiotomy and retained placenta. Nice.

I am determined to push this baby out of my vagina by myself. In order to do this I need to avoid the epidural which (I believe) led to my forceps delivery last time. In order to avoid this I have opted for a midwife-led-unit birth with birthing pool and unicorns and kumbaya on the MP3 (I draw the line at clitoral stimulation; that's what got me into this bastard mess).

Against my deepest, primal instincts I have been practising hypnobirthing, but I simply Do Not Believe It Works. Can you help me believe? Do I really have to swallow the gumf about visualising my perinium folding outwards like a rosebud when my baby is crowning? My hypno-natal CD tells me to imagine the nicest beach I've ever lounged on but that was a needle-strewn stretch of grit at Pontins in Southport circa 1982.

I get the stuff about the breathing. I think. I understand that deep intakes of oxygen are nourishing for the cervix and that baby will benefit from my spiritual gasps. BUT.. the colossal problem I have is that I simply don't believe in my ability to squeeze a baby out of my vagina all by myself. It really upsets me that, despite having birthed before, I don't know how it feels to shout: 'It's coming! It's coming! I feel like I need a shit! My baby is COMING!!' like all those toothless fishwives on One Born Every Minute. I don't know what it feels like to have that 'bearing down' sensation. I missed all of that thanks to the epidural.

Will the midwives + birthing pool + visualising Pontins really get me through? Do you have any tips for bearing the pain at home until I'm, like...8cm? How do I stop screaming with rage each time the Mongan Method tells me that even the final stage of birthing should not be painful, but glorious? Why do midwives shout, 'Push! Bleddy push!' when the Mongan Method says the baby should surge itself if I'm wearing the correctly-coloured hessian tankini?

Please tell me I can do this. And how...

OP, it seems like you've internalised somehow that you 'failed' the first time round, and this is somehow tied into the fact that you failed to absorb the hypnoshite...

The first time round, I was on board with hypnobirthing. I'd listened to the CDs and enjoyed the fact that it meant I got to have a nice nap. I learned some very useful breathing techniques at preg yoga. What I took from the learning was that it was important to stay relaxed, and to have visualisation strategies to get through the contractions. Mine was as simple as counting long breaths while imagining going up and down a mountain. Each contraction took 9 breaths, it got worse until I'd done 5 and then eased off. So at the points of pain, I was just dealing with one breath at a time and firmly located, not lost on a dreadful world of unending and uncontrollable pain.

I was 5cm when I got to hospital, which surprised the midwife as I looked so calm. And I managed to get through 8 hrs of back-to-back contractions on gas n air and the pool. The midwives thought delivery was imminent.

Except it wasn't. They checked me again and I was 3cm dilated. At that point, I started unravelling. They burst my waters, and there was tons of meconium. Long story short: over to consultant-led unit, strapped to monitors, begged for epidural, needed Syntocin induction, finally delivered after 32hrs of labour with ventouse and an episiotomy.

Medically, wasn't a million miles away from yours. The difference is, I don't feel like I failed. I feel like my body unfortunately stopped working as well as it could, probably due to a combination of things, and that luckily some drugs and medical procedures helped me out. Yes I would have preferred to avoid them, but also, I found lots of the hypno stuff really useful right til the end - I stuck my cd on for the final hour before pushing and it really helped chill me out and get me back in the zone where I could be focused and not feel helpless, even though there was a man with a Hoover yanking my fanny.

I guess what I'm saying is: give yourself a break. Sometimes the hypno techniques are useful, sometimes the medical stuff is useful, but it's important to keep yourself in a frame of mind where you feel focused, positive and to some degree in control of the experience, whether that's booking yourself an ELCS or twiddling your nipples with the whale music on. Neither route is failure.

Quod, I feel light and liberated after reading your post, thank you so much. I have had such fun on this thread but I know my sardonicism is masking a real fear of 'failing' again. I'm 44 and won't be getting another shot at this.

May I ask how/why a cervix recedes from 5-3cm? You must have felt horribly crushed after the 'victory' of getting to 5cm at home.

The Mongan Method describes 'sleep breathing', 'slow breathing' and ' birth breathing' but I'm getting confused about it all and am finding it hard to practice any measure of deep breathing whilst my bump is crushing my chest so. Perhaps I'm overthinking. Again.

The birthing pool wasn't helpful at all I found. But gas and air, sweet gas and air, that was helpful.
I think I managed on just the tens until I was five cm's (by managed I mean, begged pleaded and moaned to be given it but was refused until I hit 5 CMS).
I listened to a hypno birthing cd for the last few weeks of my pregnancy but can't remember utilising any of the techniques.
At some point my endorphins did kick in , which meant I went down to using the gas and air every third contraction, but when my pushing stage went on and on and on (was pushing for the best part of three hours, until the midwives figured out that my bladder was in the way and gave me an in out catheter).
Anyway, the end bit was pretty amazing, watched DS come out as I was squatting over a mirror. Though the stinging, yowch!!
Did anyone else experience a sensation akin to being buggered at any point in their labour? For me that was probably the worst bit.

Oh and the other helpful thing I found was changing position, one contraction standing, one kneeling and one on my left side and repeat!

Thank you, Room10, for sharing your story. Oh how I hope to be free and fit to squat/stand/move!

Isn't it bizarre how some women declare the birthing pool to be their salvation and others say it was no use at all? Surely yet more proof that one woman's pain is not the same as another's; I do believe some are just lucky.

MY WATERS JUST BROKE!

...and my 'Birth Kills' book hasn't arrived yet

Take deeeeeeeep breaths, and imagine your cervix opening like a flower

Good luck!

Exciting! Good luck and enjoy your squishy baby at the end of it, however it goes

Oo a live birth thread!

I forgot to say Juju Sundin's book, I found that v good too.
Birth kills book tells you it's Good Pain (like muscle ache) that's doing something constructive not Bad Pain (like toothache) that's telling you something is wrong.

Just remember you're not a hippie it will hurt but to just accept it. Good luck!!

No way! Good luck! The birth stories on her website are good: here - I really like the emphasis on doing different things as labour progresses. So at the start, a lavender infused bath, and visualisation, and breathing might cut it, but then you might want more active techniques (stamping, vocalising, moving around) as the pain ups.

And just to second that I really don't think the birth you get is dependent on how hard you try. If you get a rubbishy birth, it's unfortunately just one of those things. If you get an "easy" birth, it's one of those things too. But pain management techniques can help you cope with both.

Keep us updated!!

Oh, good luck lovely! It will end soon! Godspeed your baby

Ah, I'm thrilled you have come with last minute tips! I can't thank you enough. My husband has gone to town for 'energy-packed superfoods' and I'm about to take a bath. Not a single contraction yet but that's normal. I've told the birthing unit I'm staying home as long as possible.

Dreadful, awful night with 22 month-old means I'm operating on 3 hrs sleep. Really could not have happened at a worse time in terms of both me and she being shattered. Never mind....what will be will be.

I will keep updating you all, if that's okay? I'm comforted by the thought of so many wise and generous women here

Oh gawd, rubbish about the lack of sleep. Good plan with the bath. Is the 22 month old in nursery or with you?

And I've found a PDF of the Sundin! here. Not s good idea to start reading all 287 pages now, but the contents page is enough: you can consider:

Movement - on all fours, kicking your legs, banging your fists, standing up swaying, walking, squatting, rocking, stomping
Breathing and vocalisation - including counting purposefully, making noises, concentrating on even breaths
Visualisation - climbing a mountain, imagining waves coming and you surfing over them, picturing contractions coming but then also going
Stress balls - banging, squeezing, throwing at DH...
Keywords - can't remember what they were...

And if you do end up in hospital having an emergency c section, or taking all the drugs, I think I can guarantee that not one single person on here will think you have failed, or just didn't believe enough. Just take it each minute and each contraction and see if you can ride out each one as they come without prejudice to what might happen next.

I can only recommend burying your head in the sand. That worked quite well for me but it is all down to luck.

Can we have a live birth thread?

Good luck.

Ohh, good luck, hope the contractions kick in soon but until they do, really try and rest/sleep!

Oooo just checked back on this thread to see the update! So exciting! I am hoping you have already sneezed the baby out and are enjoying lovely snuggles now!

Good luck!

"Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.”

Sorry if that's annoying, just trying to highlight a lot of the comments on here about accepting the pain and relaxing into it as much as you can.

Really hoping you have an birth you're OK with

Good idea about staying at home as long as possible. Try and keep moving if you can, it's harder for the baby to get into an optimal position once your waters have gone (voice of bitter experience) at an early stage so that will help a lot

Brilliant advice! Thank you. Am just about to get my teeth into that PDF, lovely Wigeon. My baby is not in nursery, she's here with me and dh but when labour begins proper my mum is taking her to her house.

Not had a single twinge yet (perhaps some very low back ache but the beauty of being crippled with SDP means you don't notice pain anywhere else

See you all soon....!

Sorry to use 'crippled'; it's probably disablist so I'm sorry if I've offended. Will not use it again.

What a brilliant thread - thank you for starting it ThirtyNineWeeks. And blimey, what timing too! I really hope your birth is tolerable and forceps-free. We're all behind you and urging you on (woo-free!)

Your first post really struck a chord with me - it's the first time I've read something that felt properly honest on the subject of hypnobirthing. There's a massive whiff of 'Emperor's New Clothes' about it to me, and I consider you to be the wise child who called it out :)

I've had a shitty pregnancy (tokophobic and struggling nightly with tachycardia - heart trying to escape from my chest), and I have done a hypnotherapy course to try to get on top of the anxiety. I liken it to putting a sticking plaster on a gaping wound, and actually find the deep breathing exercises exacerbate my thundering heart. At my last session, I confided in the teacher that I as feeling so depressed with my physical symptoms, I've become pretty much housebound. She suggested I try "having a word with myself" . That was the final nail in the coffin for me. If she's that ill-informed about depression, how can she know anything about getting through childbirth when you're phobic?

I realise I'm probably being deliberately resistant to an extent, but I really did try to embrace the exercises. They just don't help with a physical, very real problem. And no amount of patronising comments about tackling my anxiety by 'going for a walk' etc is going to help.

Thanks again for starting this breath of fresh air off - we need you round here! Good luck x

We know what you mean :)

Update us if you can!

Loved your post OP!

As much as the science behind hypnobirthing is really useful and interesting, I hated the Mongan method as I believe it has contributed to so many women feeling a sense o failure because they found labour painful or required intervention.

I counted up and down from 1-4 with each breath to try to steady my breathing. I'd also read somewhere about visualising contractions as waves, even thinking of the pain as cold waves splashing over then subsiding (so that pontins memory could actually be handy!).

There was also some crap in the Mongan book about a glove, where your birthing partner touches you - this actually had a purpose as at the points when I needed my DH to be distracting me in some way, he rubbed a flannel up and down my back. It felt irritating but was enough to distract from the contractions in some way.

What I would always say though is that each birth is different and even if you have an epidural or other intervention this time around, it shouldn't be regarded as a failure or trauma. You're making use of the various tools developed over years and years to help birth your child safely and while interventions can carry side effects or lingering issues, as someone who did have a 'natural' first labour but with a stillborn child, it is overrated.

I was rubbish during the hypnobirthing sessions and DH and I didn't really practise the techniques but the deep breathing really helped. It gave me something to really focus on and keep my head on the breathing rather than the pain/anxiety.

I did however have a totally opposite birth with DC2. All over in 2.5hours, had him in triage while being assessed, so I didn't do hours of relaxation exercises. I felt more in control though. I did use gas & air for the last 5mins or so as I had him, partly because I didn't know I was having him as the labour was so different.

Good luck. I do think being as calm as possible does really help, and anyway you achieve that is good.

A note about gas and air... it takes 30-60 secs to work, so be sure to take it before your contractions start. A contraction timer on your phone can help with the timings and again it is another thing to focus on.