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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

to find out the sex or not to find out sex?!

45 replies

raddersmrs · 09/01/2016 13:54

Hello!
We are going To start trying for a baby next month and I wanted to get people's opinions on finding out the sex of the baby and not. I know it's personal preference and I think I want the surprise but wanted to get opinions of others who have gone through it to see what they thought.

I get the impression more find out than don't but may be wrong

Thank you!

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PurpleThermalsNowItsWinter · 09/01/2016 16:03

Also, just remember it's not 100% accurate. I know 2 friends were told girls, they had pink prams, pink nurseries, stacks of pink clothes....and delivered boys.

5madthings · 09/01/2016 16:09

The poster who said about calling grandparents etc and saying you have a grandson/granddaughter made a point I had forgotten. It is lovely to announce after the birth if it's a boy or girl. My mil and my parents both expressed a preference that they would rather have a suprise.

Re names having done it both ways the babies still didn't have a name until they were two weeks old, we had a shortlist as we did for the others but we need to wait and see what suits iyswim.

Really it doesn't matter just do what you are comfortable with, I think there is an assumption that people will find out now, certainly I am unusual in not knowing amongst the preg women I know and people have been suprised and even assumed we do know but are just not telling.

Matilda2013 · 09/01/2016 16:14

The posters who think it's strange to consider this before being pregnant, does no one talk about baby names? About whether they'd breast feed? And all the other options you have. Surely it's just deciding on a preference for the future.

ALR123 · 09/01/2016 16:53

I'm 40 weeks on Wednesday and can honestly say I have not struggled to bond with my baby because I don't know the sex!
We were just happy to be lucky enough to be blessed with a baby, the sex was not important to us which is why we didn't find out. We've picked names for both and our nursery is grey and white ready to be jazzed up with colour once baby is born.
I have a friend who's having a girl and everyone knows what her name will be... behind her back a few people have passed comment that there is no excitement around her pregnancy because it's all already out there .
That's not my opinion, but it is down to preference. I'd feel a bit sad if I had to know the gender to help me bond, all I know is that this little baby that kicks me night and day and wriggles and gets hiccups will be loved regardless!

SoupDragon · 09/01/2016 17:01

I deliberately didn't find out with DS1, found out by accident with DS2 and deliberately found out with DD.

No birth was more or less special, there was no difference in bonding and there was no difference in the level of "surprise". We only told grandparents beforehand That DD was a girl, no one else knew, and the only reason they were told was due to very specific personal circumstances at the time.

Find out or don't find out. It really makes no difference.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 09/01/2016 17:16

I have a friend who's having a girl and everyone knows what her name will be... behind her back a few people have passed comment that there is no excitement around her pregnancy because it's all already out there

Oh, FGS. Very close group of friends, then.

If you need the "surprise" of not knowing the sex to be excited on behalf of a friend having a baby, then you're not a very nice friend, IMO.

And telling the name is not part and parcel of revealing the sex.

Runningupthathill82 · 09/01/2016 17:53

We found out with DS and I was very glad I did. I was completely out of it when he was born, and he was in a bad way too, so there wouldn't have been an "it's a boy" moment even if we didn't know. He was taken straight away to be treated.

So, thanks to that less than ideal experience, I'm really glad we had found out at the anomaly scan that he was a boy. We were able to be excited together, which we wouldn't have been in the delivery room.

It was also a no-brainer that we found out at the scan second time round. I want to be one of the first to know if my baby is a boy or a girl, and I know that if this birth is like the last one then I wouldn't be.

jamhot · 09/01/2016 18:41

We found out at 20 weeks, and decided not to tell other people that we knew the sex. Knowing the name helped us to pick names, and not telling family and friends meant we got gender neutral gifts. A couple of family members wanted to know what the gender was so they could buy blue or pink. No thank you! DS has a yellow nursery and sports a metrosexual look.

We made the mistake of telling people that we knew the sex. Lots of people tried to guess and studied our reactions. About 50% of them got it right, lol. It was a real test of our poker faces!

ShowOfHands · 09/01/2016 19:13

ALR your post is loaded with potential judgement. Feeling sad about needing to know the gender before they bond (not what people mean anyway, they said it helped them bond, not without it they couldn't or people who didn't find out aren't as bonded), the knowing "we were just happy to be blessed with a baby" stuff, comments about pregnancies being less exciting because of other people's free choices, asides about well the sex wasn't important to us, our baby will be loved regardless etc.

Can you see that your post is quite dismissive of people who do differently to you? It's fine to have a preference. It's a bit unkind to generalise about the other path. You can say why it was right for you not to find out but often on these threads there's a real denigration of the other side in order to justify what is simply preference.

I'm also glad I found our from the pov of the fact I was unconscious and ill post birth. I have so much sadness about people touching and seeing my baby before me after I spectacularly failed at birth that other people knowing first would have just added to the heap of regret. It was an unforseen bonus.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 09/01/2016 19:26

ShowOfHands, you did NOT fail at birth. You had a baby, you passed with flying colours I'm sorry you are so ill after birth, but you did a spectacular job and I bet you're a spectacular mum. Please try to remember this.

ShowOfHands · 09/01/2016 19:31

Oh bless you, you're lovely. That baby is now 8 and I've had another baby since. He was also born by emcs, though not as serious and it taught me that I had no control over the birth. Most days I know that. Sometimes I still feel like I did something wrong. I was riddled with pnd and ptsd for years. Such a waste really.

Anyway, thank you. You are v kind.

Original poster

raddersmrs · 09/01/2016 19:31

If you say you don't want to know does the scan differ at all to knowing?
Sorry I know this may be a bit of a stupid question but do they not look at certain parts because you don't want to know in case you see or do they just say look away if you don't want to know?

I had never actually thought about if things don't go to plan in birth and you are not conscious etc to find out the sex when they are born. Thanks for bringing that up and sharing your experiences.

OP posts:

ShowOfHands · 09/01/2016 19:40

They turn the screen away during that bit. DS just flipped round and flashed us regardless of which bit the sonographer was actually interested in.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 09/01/2016 19:42

ShowOfHands, I'm sorry to hear about the ptsd. Sadly it happens too often xx

lilac3033 · 09/01/2016 19:53

I grew up in the states and EVERYONE I knew/know has always found out. I probably would have found out, but DP didn't want to know and wanted the surprise. I was fine with that and we didn't find out.
I am so glad we didn't. One of my favourite memories of DD's birth is looking down and seeing for myself that she was a girl. DP loved telling everyone. Funnily enough my sister was due the day after me and knew she was having a girl. I really found it strange saying she when talking about my niece in utero, but that's me.
On a superstitious paranoid note, I also liked not knowing when worrying about bad things happening to the baby. I had a miscarriage before her and was scared of it going wrong. I didn't want the extra bonding through knowing her sex. It was too scary if it went wrong again. Not to say that's a big part of not finding out or a healthy coping mechanism!
We will definitely keep going with surprises.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 09/01/2016 20:27

Our sonographer just turned the screen when she was scanning baby's lower half
We honestly had such a lovely anomaly scan just thinking about it makes me smile honestly please enjoy it whatever you decide. It's lovely to see your baby xx

SoWhite · 09/01/2016 20:30

I didn't find out. Because I had an obvious gender bias. I know its not a popular thing to admit, but I did.

I know I shouldn't have, and rationally I was fine with both - I wanted a child full stop. But there was this niggling inside my heart that I wanted one gender over the other.

I decided not to, because I didn't want to be disappointed for the remainder of my pregnancy. I thought that in the moment of birth, I'd be so wrapped up in the new baby that I wouldn't care. Whereas finding out without that big endorphin rush may have let my silly, negative feelings creep in. And that would have made me sad.

In the end I got what I wanted though, so I never got to test my theory.

Noodledoodledoo · 09/01/2016 21:49

I didn't want to know with my first and am not going to find out with my second either.

I didn't feel the need to know, have always felt that from way before I was even pregnant - can't say why but its how I feel. It's not something I need to know.

I made sure before any scans took place I mentioned we didn't want to know/we didn't know. I had to have lots of additional growth scans but the sonographers were all really good and making sure they didn't give anything away - to be fair probably didn't even look as they are more interested in check baby was ok!

I don't think it had any impact on my husbands connection with the baby before she was born. Due to labour he was the main carer for day one so that probably helped, I also called her a boy throughout so everyone thought we knew!

About half of my NCT group knew and similar with other mums I have met since. So I wouldn't say its the norm as such.

I do find it a bit strange when people find out and name the baby and tell people before they have had it - guess I have sadly known a couple of still borns so don't want to count chickens etc. A colleague left work and it was announced when she left she was off to have baby XXXXXX which made me feel odd.

unimaginativename13 · 09/01/2016 22:18

To be honest all the things you talk about at this stage get lost I think. We just went with what felt right when the time came and we had a 16 week gender scan. But the week before I really was not bothered if I found out or what we were having. My OH really wanted a boy and really wanted to know so we found out.

I said I wouldn't for the second but we are wading through mountains of clothes at the moment hardly worn and I always said I'd want a girl, but now I realised if we had another boy we wouldn't need to buy anything!

Just enjoy TTC don't think about this stuff too much right now as it can add too much pressure

KeyboardMum · 09/01/2016 22:31

Personally, I just think that it would be nice to know whether I'm going to have a little boy or a little girl. I guess it means that I can attach a name to baby and feel more endeared to it as a result.

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