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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

to find out the sex or not to find out sex?!

45 replies

raddersmrs · 09/01/2016 13:54

Hello!
We are going To start trying for a baby next month and I wanted to get people's opinions on finding out the sex of the baby and not. I know it's personal preference and I think I want the surprise but wanted to get opinions of others who have gone through it to see what they thought.

I get the impression more find out than don't but may be wrong

Thank you!

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NHKX2 · 09/01/2016 14:04

It is such a personal decision and everyone's reasons for their choice are valid and interesting to hear. For us, we found out at the 20-week anatomy scan (luckily baby's position cooperated and the tech could tell). We personally felt it would help my husband connect with the baby. I get to feel kicks and experience the pregnancy, but we felt that if we knew the sex of the baby and could call it a "her" or "he" it would be more personal for my husband as well. FYI, we're having a girl! Would have been 100% equally pleased with either. Our baby is healthy and that was the priority, of course!

Plus, I'm just too darn impatient and curious and had to know, so there's that.

It wasn't so we could paint the nursery pink and buy a bunch of pink clothes. In fact, our nursery is yellow/green jungle theme! We just wanted to know so we could bond and call her something other than "it".

Original poster

raddersmrs · 09/01/2016 14:08

I completely get that reason too.. That's one of the reasons I do want to find out. I feel like maybe you would connect more like you said because it's a he or she with a name. You have months of knowing what you are having etc ... Does it make that time more exciting do you think?

Like I said everyone is different. I don't think either way is better than the other just interested to know how people found it who have been through either.

OP posts:

NinkyNonky · 09/01/2016 14:14

I agree that it can helps with connection. We were also really rubbish with agreeing on names so it helped to narrow it down.

I think its a lovely bit of excitement in the middle of the pregnancy. When the baby is born you're excited by that in itself!

NHKX2 · 09/01/2016 14:17

Hmmm...I'm not sure if it makes the time more exciting. I suspect NOT knowing is rather exciting as well! We may go the surprise route for the next one (fingers crossed there will be a next one!) just to see. For our first we wanted to find out.

People always ask me "Didn't you want to be surprised?" and I say "I WAS surprised! At the 20-week scan!" hahaha...

It will be interesting to hear thoughts from the other side.

YakTriangle · 09/01/2016 14:20

I have two DC, found out the sex with second but not the first. Much preferred knowing than not knowing.

PurpleThermalsNowItsWinter · 09/01/2016 14:20

I loved having two surprises. We had a green nursery, white babygros and lots of lovely long discussions over names.
It meant that even though everything belonged to Ds, when dd was born it could all reused.

Thetruthfairy · 09/01/2016 14:21

Hi,
I found out with my first but not with my second.
Both were lovely experiences.
We found out first time so that we could bond and shop! I was so excited.
The second time we wanted the surprise. It really did make the birth more magical not finding out the sex.

Original poster

raddersmrs · 09/01/2016 14:24

I'm thinking of not finding out with the first and finding out the second. The second I will definitely want to know (if we are lucky enough to have two) so I'm thinking if I should go through the surprise on the first. When I'm in that scan though I don't know if I will be able to not find out

OP posts:

Matilda2013 · 09/01/2016 14:26

I'm not even near ttc but I know I don't want to know and my dp would prefer to know! His is for organisation I think though! I like with other people not knowing the sex and name of their baby as it is lovely to find the surprise when born. And I know I would never be able to keep it to myself!

GrouchyKiwi · 09/01/2016 14:29

We didn't find out with our first two (both girls) but I wanted to this time because this will be my last pregnancy (not by choice). We've obviously got a lot of baby things already because of our other two DC but I wanted to be ready in case we were having a boy. It would give me time to sort through clothes, get rid of the very girly things I don't want to keep to make more space, work out if I have enough neutrals to get by for the first wee while, etc.

Scan was on Wednesday and I've decided I really like finding out! But I loved the surprises too (although for both of them I was sure I was having girls from quite early on) and either way is lovely.

We're not going to tell anyone else, though. It's a secret for DH and me. That's quite fun too.

Matilda2013 · 09/01/2016 14:31

See knowing and keeping it a secret sounds perfect but I just know I couldn't! And I'd be shopping and accidentally blurting it out!

5madthings · 09/01/2016 14:34

I am due baby no 6, we chose not to find out. For the first three we had a suprise, no four we found out but didn't tell anyone. With no 5 we weren't going to find out but at the scan the sonographer made it obvious they knew so we ended up finding out.

This time having done it both ways I know I prefer a suprise at birth. My dh always says it's one of life's true suprises and prefers not to know.

I am now 28wks and have a few extra scans coming up so am going to have to be really disciplined but I know I will regret it if I find out.

Either way is s suprise just at a different point I guess and I have to say shops etc assume you will find out as it's getting much harder to find neutral baby clothes, same with baby equipment whereas when I had ds1(16) most baby clothes and equipment were not gendered.

GrouchyKiwi · 09/01/2016 14:34

I thought I might find it difficult to keep it to myself, but people's reactions when they ask if we know - and then find out we do but aren't telling - are very funny and I'm enjoying that far more than I should!

OwlinaTree · 09/01/2016 14:37

I didn't find out with mine. I lost the first at birth, and I think not knowing helped with dealing with all the things. We obviously had all the stuff, but it was baby stuff rather than DD's stuff iyswim. I didn't feel I had to then get rid of stuff I'd chosen for a person, or redecorate the room. It was a baby's room not her specific room.

Apart from that, which is very unlikely to happen, it was lovely to have a surprise, and I loved trying to guess. Each time actually I just had a feeling about the sex and I was right.

There's no right or wrong, but keeping it a surprise was right for me.

Cavaradossi · 09/01/2016 14:50

The 'Ooh, I want a surprise!' people baffle me, honestly. It is either a boy or a girl, neither of which is particularly surprising, surely? Or the people who seem to feel that finding out the sex somehow commits them to pregnancy-long decoration of a pink or blue nursery down to the colour of the cotton-wool balls, and an associated pink or blue wardrobe.

It's just another piece of information which is potentially available to you during pregnancy, along with your baby's head circumference and thighbone length. There is absolutely no reason not to find out, if you would like to - it certainly doesn't leave you in eye-rolling boredom for the rest of the pregnancy and labour. If you are someone who is likely to spend a lot of time racking your brains over names, then you cut out half of the angst. If you worry about bonding or are ambivalent about pregnancy, there's an argument that knowing something specific about your unborn child might help form a connection.

Plus of course you may not have a choice - our unborn son spent the eighteen-week scan waving his un-ignorable genitals at us on the screen.

OwlinaTree · 09/01/2016 14:53

cara umm the surprise is it's a girl or a boy? How is that baffling?

Whatdoidohelp · 09/01/2016 14:54

You need to reign yourself in! Your not even pregnant! These things can take a long time so concentrate on what is right in front of you ie getting pregnant.

mrsmugoo · 09/01/2016 14:57

I have literally just found out the second of my second baby having waited to birth to find out with our first.

There's pros and cons to both as others have said but having done both ways now I have to say it was wonderful waiting to birth the first time, especially as I needed an ELCS so there was still an element of unknown, having showed up on a fixed day to have the baby. However, I disliked referring to "it".

Second time around it's amazing to refer to "she" - and we can tell our DS he is getting a sister.

I'm glad we did one of each and would do the same again :)

SirChenjin · 09/01/2016 14:58

We didn't know the first 2 and knew the 3rd - we had one of each and really, really didn't care what it (he) was. The surprise element of the first 2 was lovely (even if it does 'baffle' a pp), the third felt more 'practical'.

I don't think there's a right or a wrong way - but I'm really glad I did have that element of surprise at the end for at least one of my pregnancies as it was a lovely moment for both DH and I.

ShowOfHands · 09/01/2016 15:03

I know what Cavara means though. To me it was no different to finding out the leg length. It wasn't magical or surprising. It was a baby. With whatever genitals. I was curious in the same way as I was curious about any other biological fact. There's only a problem with finding or not finding out when you deride other people's choices or make sweeping statements about which is better.

We had no choice with ds either. He was a boy or a girl with a penis and obscenely large scrotum.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 09/01/2016 15:06

I really don't like the idea that knowing helps you "bond" with the baby. I've bonded with my little one perfectly well without knowing what he/she is. I think it's a really personal choice. I want to be able to ring my mum and dad and say "you have a grandson/daughter!" not just ring with a weight and time of birth. Equally I understand people wanting to know - it just wasn't for me.

ODog · 09/01/2016 15:08

I didn't first time around but have done this time. So far I don't think it's made any different to bonding but I can be more organised with getting rid of DS's baby clothes as we are having a girl this time. To be honest I didn't feel like it was a magical surprise last time either, I was just pleased he was out and healthy. He could have been a goat and I'd have been happy by that point.

Potkettleblack2 · 09/01/2016 15:33

I think it depends on your personality. I'm the type person who likes the anticipation of things....I leave my favourite chocolates in a box of chocolates until last, would rather not open presents until everyone else has opened theirs etc. So it makes sense for me to want to wait until the baby is born before knowing the sex!

goodnightdarthvader1 · 09/01/2016 15:46

Talk about putting the cart before the horse.

AnnaT45 · 09/01/2016 15:51

I loved the surprise, you get so few in life! I had a horrendous labour and it was the most magical moment when my DH told me (even if I was out of it!) I found that him telling me was a lovely moment for him. He got to be the first to know and that was lovely.

It's a very individual thing and I think you wouldn't regret it either way. Good luck with trying!

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