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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Tricky situation re: telling friend about pg

37 replies

BibiJesus · 13/12/2006 16:41

Me again with yet another dilemma!

Before we begin, a bit of background...
My best mate since Uni, let's call her Emma, is trying to get pg. We've been friends for 9 years and even though we live about 100 miles apart we see each other every two months, email several times every day and are very close, talk about everything etc. I had a m/c a year ago October (just gone) and she's been a complete tower of strength for me, she suffered a m/c in May this year and I have supported her in return. My m/c was my second baby, hers was her first. Since my m/c we haven't been ttc, since hers she has. Me and dh decided to wait until dd was in school etc, Emma and her DH just want a baby as soon as possible.

Since the end of June it is all we've talked about, charting every month in the run up to ovulation, discussing her problems (dh with low sex drive, too stressed to shg etc) and gone through all the highs and lows together, particularly the lows of her getting her period every month. She's regularly in tears about it when I see her and on the phone. She reacted very badly to a close colleague of hers getting pg (as did I after a colleague of mine got pg after my m/c), she admits the jealously and anger that it's not her who is pg has changed and in some ways damaged their relationship because she is finding it difficult to be happy for her colleague when she's so desperate to have her own baby, even though she desperately tries her best to be happy about it and support her friend. She's also annoyed that everyone else seems to be pg and not her, and everyone seems to have got pg after trying for a month or two, or even after only one shg.

Dh and I took a chance last month and after one time, we are pg. very much like with both our other pregnancies. Emma is having her period this week and we have very similar menstrual cycles so moan about periods etc at the same time. I was due on Sat, she was due today. She's asked if my period has turned up yet and I've made out I'm not sure because I didn't record last months properly and probably aren't due until Saturday coming.

I feel awful for lying, but I just don't know how to tell her. I want to tell her and I'm sure some part of her will be ecstatic for me, but I also know there will be a massive part of her that will be absolutely gutted it's not her and she'll resent me for it. We weren't actively trying and it happened right away. I am so torn about this as she's coming over on Saturday for the day - do I continue the lie until after Christmas or do I just 'fess up and potentially ruin her Christmas? By telling her, I'm also taking away her person to confide in about her jealousy and rage about other people.

I know it's unavoidable in the long run, but do I lie now to spare her feelings over CHristmas, or wait and potentially hurt her more after Christmas when she realises I've been purposefully lying to her?

Help !

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anothertalkname · 13/12/2006 16:44

Gosh, that's a tricky one, I don't know what to suggest really (Congratulations btw!). You sound like a lovely friend to be concerned. I'm sure someone will come along soon with better advice.

3sEnough · 13/12/2006 16:46

Tell her - you can tell her that you didn't want to say to anybody that you were 'trying' again after the last mc due to you being sensitive etc - you know that you may well get jealousy until way after you've given birth (or until she concieves again) There's nothing much you can do though and hopefully she'll be OK.

lulumama · 13/12/2006 16:48

bibi...when i got preganant with DD, my good friend had had a miscarraige and was TTC.

i decied to tell her before she found out from someone else....as i had told my family and another friend we have in common

i would want her to hear it from me, and i am not a huge fan of lying to people, even when done with the best of intentions

My friend was very gracious, a little upset, and luckily , got pregnant herself a couple of months later

i was apprehensive of telling her, but feared her reaction if she found out from someone else or realised i had lied to her

HTH !
and congratulation s

Juicythe2ndnotsowiseman · 13/12/2006 16:50

I would tell her sooner rather than later. Tell her you understand how she must feel about it and ask her to be honest with you if she can (and not do the platitudes - otherwise you will always be wondering how she really feels).

It will be really hard for her. I have been in her position and it is an overpowering feeling of self-pity for what you can't acheive while all around you seem to get pg by having sex once in 6 months. It feels like jealousy, but it's much more about her and the hurt of it all. You don't begrudge others their pg or happiness, you just want some for yourself!

She'll come to terms with it, but it will be hard for her until she herself falls pg again(well that's how it was for me).

Good luck. I know how hard this all is.

DeckthehallsLaDiDaDi · 13/12/2006 16:52

Could you pretend until after Christmas and then tell a fib so that she doesn't realise you were pretending?

Eg could you say that you've had a light period and then claim to have missed next period, test positive, pregnant etc but when scanned you are further on than you thought and the light period must have been an implantation bleed?

TBH it's not what I would do as I would worry that she would find out and would be angry that you'd lied.

Recently a few people I know have been ttc, getting pregnant, having m/c (different people at similar times iyswim) and it can feel very stressful to be in your situation. It may well make your relationship with your friend a little awkward for a while.

crappywappynamechangingwuss · 13/12/2006 16:58

you need ot tell her.. I wouldn't forgive you for lying if I were her.

Lwatkins · 13/12/2006 19:05

Very awkward situation your in and i don't envy you for it. You do sound like a lovely friend to have, and the fact that your putting her feelings first shows just how much you care. I have never been in this sort of situation, and to be honest can kind of see both sides of the coin. If you tell her now, she will probs be upset for herself but happy for you and will take a while to adjust. If you tell a little white lie about it and wait till after xmas it could go 1 of 2 ways. She would either understand that you were trying to protect her feelings and not ruin her xmas, or she could be even more upset not only cause you're pg and she's not but cause you've lied as well.
No matter what you do, she'll be hurt regardless, but if you are truly the good friends that you say you are, you'll work it out. These sorts of situations have a way of sorting themeselves out, congrats to you btw and am sending your friend a big pregnant wish!
Good luck x

lorie · 13/12/2006 19:16

I've been through this. My friend had m/c while I am pg. I think you should tell her, it really is a difficult situation to be in.

Hope it all works out well for you both. Good luck xxx

MammyMto3kids · 13/12/2006 19:22

I had a similar sit with my best friend, though fortunately no m/c thrown in. She lives away and phone conversations are not regular, she was ttc and I wasn't but fell anyway, I kept quiet for 12 weeks hoping that she would have news first, I promised myself that I would tell her after my first scan which I did, she was upset that I hadn't told her earlier although she could understand it. She was just really happy for me and couldn't believe that I had thought that she wouldn't have been, despite a recent chat about 'pram envy' I saw her a week or so after I told her and I knew that she was pg just by looking at her, sure enough a few days later the call came! I think that the fact you're so much closer to your friend, and she knows your cycle so well, you can't cover up and should probably come clean, it's easier to be jealous of someone you're not so close to (such as her collegue) but her best mate??? She'll be over the moon for you, wouldn't you be for her? Good luck!!!

MammyMto3kids · 13/12/2006 19:27

OOOh, sorry, Congratulations!!!!!!

There's no easy way, my friend (different one) m/c while I was pg with my littlest, we'd been excited about how much age difference they'd be, how big she'd be when I had mine, swapping morning sickness stories and such as, I was absolutley devastated for her, I felt terrible, sitting there with my ever growing baby and she'd lost hers, she felt just as awkward too though, because she knew that I felt bad for her! She was so happy for me when I had my baby and I hope that she finds the strength to try again (it would have been her 4th). Just wishing you the best of luck and sending you hugs!

DontlookatmeImshy · 13/12/2006 19:35

I think you should tell her. She might also hurt by the thought that you felt you couldn't tell her especially if you are so close. She will find out eventually anyway, and if start being vague about your periods/cycles etc because you can't tell an outright lie about it she will guess anyway. This happened with me (but my friend was really good about it and only confessed she knew/guessed when we announced it officially.)

wilkie50 · 13/12/2006 20:01

Tell her.

My friend got pg after I suffered a miscarriage. Her boyfriend rang my husband (we are all really close) to tell him so he could tell me. I cried my eyes out but then picked up the phone and congratulated her properly. I avoided talking to her for a week or so whilst I got my head round it but then got pg myself a few months later.

I will readily admit to being really jealous of her but she is a good friend - I just needed a little space. Accept that your friend will probably need this too and you will be fine.

One thing I would say - it is lovely lovely news for you so although be sensitive when telling her, don't apologise for it or anything. I think I would have felt worse if my friend had acted like that. She was happy but contained.

Good luck and congratulations.

Original poster

BibiJesus · 13/12/2006 20:15

Thanks for all your advice guys. The overwhelming majority say tell her, so I am going to . I think I can cope with her hating me a for a little while and needing space, but I can't bear the thought of her pretending to be all happy and jolly about it when really she's hurting, that would be worse than an out and out "bog off you pregnant cowbag!"

Now, do I tell her via email, which is how we conduct about 80% of our friendship, over the phone, which to be honest, we rarely use because we email so much we've already talked about everything, or face to face on the weekend? I thought about writing her a letter so I could explain all of this, (we write letters every now and again just to say hi in an old fashioned kind of way), but it seems a bit silly as she's visiting on the weekend.

And do I tell her straight off and risk us having a very awkward day, or as she's leaving so she's got something to think brood over on the way home. There is no easy way is there?

I've also thought about wating until her cycle next month just in case she gets pg over Christmas so when she tells me I can shout "me too!", but of course, if it doesn't happen, what then?

I really want to share it with her, but don't want to feel like I'm rubbing her nose in it.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Original poster

BibiJesus · 13/12/2006 20:16

oooh, don't know what happened there.

OP posts:

wilkie50 · 13/12/2006 20:20

If she's visiting over the weekend I would tell her tonight over the phone. Something like this is a bit crap over email and I would feel hurt if my friend had done it that way.

At least if you tell her tonight, she has time to think about it and, if she is really hurt which you should be prepared for (not personal but it will be something she has to deal with) she can always rethink coming and the weekend.

Definately don't leave it until she is leaving at the weekend and please don't email her. Just my opinion but I really would ring her.

wilkie50 · 13/12/2006 20:21

...that should have said 'coming at the weekend'...

wilkie50 · 13/12/2006 20:22

...just another thought. She may actually be happy for you!?

Pruni · 13/12/2006 20:26

Message withdrawn

MammyMto3kids · 13/12/2006 20:27

I agree with Wilkie, gives her time to react, I would have said tell her face to face but it's going to be hard for her, she'll feel sad and happy at the same time! At least if you give her some warning she'll be ready to congratulate you properly and hopefully have had time to sort her head out a bit! As regards, when, well, she's your friend, you know her best, phone her for a chat and drop it in, wait until she asks???? Phone her and tell her, I don't really think there's an easy answer for that. Is she not at all half expecting this news, did she know that you were not yet trying, is this going to come totally out of the blue, she may already have prepared herself for this news.... Just a big Good luck to you!!!!

yulelog · 13/12/2006 20:28

i think that i would tell her face to face. i have two friends that have been able ttc and i fell pg stright away. i told them face to face as i think its was fair and so they didnt start to feel i had been scared to tell them

Cadeauxmum · 13/12/2006 20:30

Please tell her at the weekend in person.

I was really gutted when my friend did not tell me about her 'surprise' pregnancy following my third late miscarriage. It ruined our frienship and her pregnancy would have made me feel envious but it would have been so much easier to take than the lying. Be a true friend and tell her the truth.

marymillington · 13/12/2006 20:30

just speak to her. please don't email her.

surely she would be more hurt by the idea of your not being truthful with her than the fact that you are pregnant. in fact, it should give her hope and encouragement. i don't think your pregnancy means that you can no longer be her confidante - you have walked in her shoes for a while after all.

Cadeauxmum · 13/12/2006 20:37

I love the idea of presenting her with a letter that explains your many, many feelings but I would suggest that you tell her in person first. Then if it becomes too difficult to communicate when the feelings are all so raw for her, she could leave your house with the letter and be reminded of how much you care for her and share her pain.

wilkie50 · 13/12/2006 20:41

I think we are all so wrapped up in her having a 'negative' reaction - if she is as good a friend as you both seem to be, I think she will be happy for you (and will probably conceal her jealousy). You said she took a work colleague's pregnancy badly - remember that you are not a work colleague, you are one of her best friends so it is different.

Original poster

BibiJesus · 13/12/2006 20:44

I'm just wondering if she'll take it harder because we're so close. I know she will be happy for me too, but I also know it's going to hurt her and I can't bear to upset her.

I'm sat ehre wondering if she's home yet and should I ring her now ... and I'm crying about it. God, I'm such a woolly woofter!

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