Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Father in distress

43 replies

Foxjk013 · 14/10/2015 20:05

I need the best advice you can give me please because I am going all over the place with this.
My ex girlfriend is pregnant with my baby but she is making my life a misery. I stayed back and kept my distance as she asked me to. She refuses me to turn up to midwife appointments she always wants to go by herself. Her new boyfriend had a go at me yesterday for not turning up to one but today (Wednesday) I asked her how's the baby and when is the next midwife appointment. She said she is going by herself. I said back to her I am not asking who's going I am asking when it is. And she said I am going by myself and hung up on me.
Please help I am losing my mind…

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 14/10/2015 20:10

Is this for real?

The best advice I can give you is recognise this is not YOUR baby. This baby has two parents and you will have different roles in loving and nurturing the child you share. So pack it in with the 'my baby ' and the demands to know when the midwife will be taking a look at your ex's body. That's nothing to do with you and if you spoke to me as you've outlined I would hang on up on you too.

RugbyWidow7 · 14/10/2015 20:23

Hang in there, show your committed and be there when you can be. Her hormones will be all over the place, so be patient, it sounds like she has a new life to consider as well now. Prove you would like to support her as much as possible, without applying too much pressure. Good luck!

Original poster
Foxjk013 · 14/10/2015 20:38

Northernlurker:
For the record yes I did state it's my baby because if I said it as my ex is pregnant. People could get the wrong end of the stick like you have. I haven't demanded to know the midwife appointment(s) I just simply asked as she wanted me to do. But yet still refuses to tell me.
Rugbywidow7:
Thank you and she knows I am as I am working 3 jobs and sleeping 1 hour a day to give her full support. Which she still refuses.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foxjk013 · 14/10/2015 20:40

Northern lurker: if I knew how to edit the post I would.

OP posts:
ejclementine · 14/10/2015 20:40

Good advice from Rugby above. Hang in there and be supportive and interested, but not too strong. Ignore NorthernLurker's unnecessary response. She's focussed on the possessive in your post, but we can see that you were just setting a scene - not banging on about YOUR baby, as she puts it. It must be a difficult time for you both. Midwife appointments are quite a personal thing and I can understand her not wanting you to accompany.

Original poster
Foxjk013 · 14/10/2015 20:43

But her new boyfriend yelling at me for not turning up to one when she never told when they were I can't deal with losing another child (my first born died 3 hours old)

OP posts:
Original poster
Foxjk013 · 14/10/2015 20:44

But she allows her new boyfriend to turn up to them confuses me more

OP posts:
Frankie72 · 14/10/2015 20:48

Hang in there! If I had told my DH he wasn't allowed to be involved with midwife appt and the like he would be massively upset. I understand why. It's not just my baby its our baby. Just because it's in me doesn't mean it's all about me. After all you were there when it was made!! Try and explain in a calm manner to the bf that you want to be there and if he can suggest anything (i know you already know what he will say but putting it in his court might help?) you will! Can you write a letter/email to the ex explaining you feelings that way you can get your message across and not let her put the phone down mid way. You will need to word it carefully so maybe have it checked?? All the best!!

macdat · 14/10/2015 20:48

Her boyfriend seems to want you more involved in your baby than she does! Crazy. Maybe speak to him about it. Tell him you're really wanting to come to these appointments but she seems angry with you, maybe he can talk to her.

GoodnightDarthVader · 14/10/2015 20:53

Ignore the new partner drama, stick to the facts when you speak to him. Of course she wants him there but not you, as you're no longer a couple and she's decided to focus on the future. That's unfair to you but you can't change her mind. Keep offering gentle support but don't badger.

Think Northern is one of those on MN who gets angry at any man that posts, ignore.

ejclementine · 14/10/2015 20:55

As her partner he will presumably be in baby's life, so it's not unusual for him to attend with her. Perhaps the best thing to do is let her know you would like to support where you can and be part of baby's life. Don't fixate on what her partner is doing or the situation could turn sour. It's important that she doesn't get stressed and as long as you let her know you are there when needed, there isn't much more you can do at this stage unless she wants you there I'm afraid. Good luck with it all.

Original poster
Foxjk013 · 14/10/2015 20:57

I really want to be involved as much as possible I know her boyfriend on a personal level aswell so it makes things easier for me. Her step dad said she only cares about what's in front of her and that's it. Her mum told her she can drink and smoke throughout the pregnancy. My dad said Dna test my mum doesn't want to get involved. And my ex said to me the only time I will ever see my baby is when we do the birth certificate and that's it.

OP posts:
GoodnightDarthVader · 14/10/2015 21:00

Fox, how old are you both? Short of taking her to court for custody you can't force her to let you be involved. Unfair, I know.

It's awful if she's drinking and smoking but not much you can do on that front, and not strictly relevant here.

Foxjk013 · 14/10/2015 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Foxjk013 · 14/10/2015 21:03

She is 22 and I am 21

OP posts:
AndDeepBreath · 14/10/2015 21:05

Um ... Sorry as this isn't helpful to your question, but you may need to report that post. You've made her a bit identifiable to anyone who can recognise her and sees her name!

ejclementine · 14/10/2015 21:05

And the above is why you need to stay amicable and level headed. Forget what everyone else is saying and keep a good relationship with her.

Original poster
Foxjk013 · 14/10/2015 21:06

Ok I will how do I remove that post

OP posts:
macdat · 14/10/2015 21:07

Well fortunately we live in a country where dads have rights these days. She can't exactly stop you legally unless you're a dangerous person. Even then, unfortunately or fortunately I don't know, courts still give access (albeit supervised)
You can't legally make her let you go to appointments, but once the baby is born, you have rights and you'll be able to see you child.
Since you know her boyfriend on a personal level already, it should make things a bit easier for the three of you, so that's lucky.
As for your mum, once her grandchild is here, it's likely she'll change her mind.

TessDurbeyfield · 14/10/2015 21:09

I do think it is perfectly reasonable for her not to want you to come to midwife appointments. Even in a routine appointment there is a lot of intimate detail. I certainly wouldn't want an ex sitting there as my urine was tested and the midwife asked personal questions about how my body was doing. She might have all sorts of things she wants to bring up: piles, strange discharge, is it OK to have sex. They will check the heartbeat at later ones and measure for size etc but at this point it is primarily about her. If she wants you to come then great if she doesn't then that seems like her choice.

If I were you I would drop her an email and say that you are there for her and the baby and very happy to come along but its her decision. You want her to feel supported but not threatened as that's going to be the basis of any future co-parenting. The reason I would do it by email is so that you have a paper trail so that in the worst case scenario you can prove that you have been interested and tried to be involved if she later tries to shut you out of the baby's life.

Original poster
Foxjk013 · 14/10/2015 21:09

Yep I agree. So I should hang back until the baby is born and every 2-3 days ask how is the baby doing?
She has already contacted the police for me harassing her but they couldn't do anything because I was just asking about mine and her baby

OP posts:
GoodnightDarthVader · 14/10/2015 21:11

Oh, Fox, for goodness sake. Click "Report post" on the post you posted with her info.

What is with guys on MN posting identifying information on their other halves? We get it, you're lovely and reasonable and she's not, we understand. I know you want to vent but use common sense please.

Jeez, you're both very very young. Guessing this was an accidental pregnancy. Maybe try contacting CABS for advice on where you stand legally?

Original poster
Foxjk013 · 14/10/2015 21:15

I have reported the post...
Sorry it's my first time here I did remove her whole name but I forgot about the picture ??

OP posts:
Original poster
Foxjk013 · 14/10/2015 21:17

And no it wasn't accidental she said she wanted one so I said ok let's give it ago but things turned sour after I got a flat close to my work and wanted her to move in with me...
We was together for 5 years...

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 14/10/2015 21:25

OK - first things first, midwife appointments aren't appointments for your child, but medical appointments for your ex-partner. While its common for 'fathers to be' to go to the appointments, that's not for the 'father to be's benefit, or for the baby's, but to give support to the pregnant woman. You are her ex and therefore not someone she would normally turn to for support.

I must say, DH and I were married when we had both DCs, I still didn't take him to most midwife appointments, they take your blood pressure, talk about your health, get you to piss in a pot then dip a stick in it, ask lots of personal questions, a lecture about your eating habits, and if you're really lucky, poke at your stomach a bit. Really not something you need to be involved in. DH came to the scans and to the consultant appointments I ahd to have, but that was more for moral support.

You'll become a father once the baby is born, anything prior to that, back off.