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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Father in distress

43 replies

Foxjk013 · 14/10/2015 20:05

I need the best advice you can give me please because I am going all over the place with this.
My ex girlfriend is pregnant with my baby but she is making my life a misery. I stayed back and kept my distance as she asked me to. She refuses me to turn up to midwife appointments she always wants to go by herself. Her new boyfriend had a go at me yesterday for not turning up to one but today (Wednesday) I asked her how's the baby and when is the next midwife appointment. She said she is going by herself. I said back to her I am not asking who's going I am asking when it is. And she said I am going by myself and hung up on me.
Please help I am losing my mind…

OP posts:

GoodnightDarthVader · 14/10/2015 21:27

I'll refrain from lecturing about kids having kids ...

Try CAB, they may be able to help. Maybe drop the whole midwife thing with her, ask for scan pictures nearer the scan date, ask how she's feeling, but don't insist on being involved with every thing. Do you know how far along she is?

Original poster

Foxjk013 · 14/10/2015 21:29

Ok dino thank you just one last question. What if an argument springs up saying that I don't care about the baby.

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Original poster

Foxjk013 · 14/10/2015 21:29

She had her first midwife appointment on Tuesday

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Original poster

Foxjk013 · 14/10/2015 21:30

Yesterday Tuesday

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TessDurbeyfield · 14/10/2015 21:33

What if an argument springs up saying that I don't care about the baby.

In the worst case and it goes to court then TBH a court is likely to think that a father who can be bothered to go to court does care and should have a relationship with the baby. In any case, this is (partly) why you write an email explaining that you want to support her but also to give her space and will support her and the baby when s/he arrives. Anything you put in writing, think how it would sound if it were being read out in court.

But your main concern should be to have a reasonable relationship with her. It sounds as if she feels very pressured right now, whether that is reasonable of her or not, so backing off but making it clear you are there for her and the baby is probably for the best.

When is the baby due?

GoodnightDarthVader · 14/10/2015 21:35

So she's probably about 8 weeks. Her first scan will be around 12 weeks. Hopefully as things progress she might come around, although as she sounds a bit ... difficult ... you need to be prepared that she might never. Phrase it as "I'd be grateful to get a photo of the baby scan" but don't be like "I WANT A PHOTO" because she's sounds like the sort that will get pissed off at that.

As for your question about an argument ... with who? The boyfriend? With your irrational ex? Who cares? Don't feed the drama. Keep things factual and to the point. You have evidence that you've been asking about the baby. To be honest, she's probably loving the attention. Back off for a bit and don't get into disagreements with her, or rise to any drama. I get that's probably hard for a 22 year old, but try

DinosaursRoar · 14/10/2015 21:40

Scans and wanting to be at the birth would be normal, midwife appointments are really private and from amongst my friends, it wasn't normal for dads to go too, it wouldn't be held against you for not going.

I would do as others have said, e-mail her saying you'd be happy to go to any appointments regarding the baby, but respect her privacy if she doesn't want you there, and request she keeps you updating with any news about the baby. (keep it about the baby, not her.)

If she's only just had her first midwife appointment, is she still at around 8 weeks? It's still early stages, back off. Towards the end she'll be seeing the midwife every other week.

wickedlazy · 14/10/2015 21:56

I would write her a letter or e-mail about how you feel (that you want to be in babies life). You could offer to ring her once a week to see how she's doing/if she needs anything, a Sunday afternoon or similar could do.

I'm wondering does her new fella not want to be daddy to this baby that isn't his, (but is happy to be a stepdad) so is trying to get you, the real dad more involved.

She's not being very nice, or fair, about scans, but don't let it bother you. Keep putting money away, and worry about access to baby when s/he is born.

Zamaz · 15/10/2015 12:21

Wickedlady's advice is good I think.

I would write a letter to her, explaining that you are keen to be involved, but acknowledging that it needs to be on terms which suit you both.

You could see if you can negotiate a way for you to be involved which respects her wishes too. Maybe she could update you by text after midwife appointments/scans etc. You could also say that perhaps closer to the time of the birth you could get together to think about what would work in terms of you being in the baby's life.

I agree with what others have said about midwife appointments actually being quite intimate, and maybe not ideal for an ex to attend - you wouldn't ask her to come to the GP with you!

You obviously feel strongly about this, particularly given your previous experience of losing a baby. But it really is important you keep cool, act rationally and calmly, and don't rush into things. She will be pregnant for 9 months, which is a long time to sort things and for things to settle. Don't act too fast - sit back, talk to other people, and think carefully before doing anything.

This isn't about you, her and her new partner - this is about a new little human, and you all need to act in his/her best interests. Your ex may be unreasonable (or not, we've only heard your side!) but you can increase the chances of her being reasonable by being reasonable, cool, calm and collected yourself.

Original poster

Foxjk013 · 15/10/2015 19:09

Thanks guys that's helped a lot. She is due around 1st/2nd April. I will consider all the advice and save every message me and her disclose to each other for when the baby is born

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Original poster

Foxjk013 · 15/10/2015 19:19

Would this be a good way to say it:
Ok we had time to calm down…
I know it's early days and the midwife appointments are very personal to you due to the privacy of the discussions you have with him/her and I agree somewhat with NOT wanting an ex there with you. But I want to help and support the baby as much as possible. we did agree that you would let me know about how the midwife appointments went, but that doesn't matter now. When the first scan comes if you want me there then great but if not I would be very grateful for a photo to see how our baby is. I am going to take a back seat on this one and let you take control of the situation and let me know what I can do to help support our baby because I might be going about it the wrong way.

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TessDurbeyfield · 15/10/2015 19:57

I think that sounds better but keep the letter all about the future - not anything that might be about blaming for what has happened in the past. I guess from the timing that you must have split up in the last 6 weeks so everyone must be feeling emotional, try to keep that out of the discussions as much as you can.

I'm so sorry to hear that your first child died, that must make you even more anxious. You were together for a long time - was she the mother of the child that died? If so she must also be very stressed.

TessDurbeyfield · 15/10/2015 20:07

Sorry she is a bit further on than I thought from the other posts she was about 8 weeks. Still you must have split within the last three months.

Original poster

Foxjk013 · 15/10/2015 20:33

Me and her dated through July
No she wasn't the mother of that one.

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TessDurbeyfield · 15/10/2015 21:04

OK - I would send something along the lines of your message but cut the bit about what you agreed in the past. Just show that you want to be supportive but not pressurising. Then - and I know that this bit is hard - I would back off for a while. Send her the occasional message in a non-pressured 'how are you and the baby, let me know if I can help with anything' way.

If at all possible you want to have an amicable relationship before the baby arrives.

Original poster

Foxjk013 · 15/10/2015 21:12

Thank you I just hope she replies

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Rhiannon2015 · 16/10/2015 08:46

Just stumbled on this... She said you will only see the baby when you do the birth certificate? Look into this but, legally the father will have rights if bothe parents names are on the birth certificate....sooooo if she says you are going on it, she's leaving the father hood door open! Not sure if she realises this.
Am I missing the point? Does she wants you to have an active role or is it just the Midwife appoint part?

CalypsoLilt · 16/10/2015 08:55

Please seek legal advice about being on the birth certificate, you either need to be present at the birth registry (this might be tricky if communication is strained) or you can get a legal declaration signed saying you are the babies father. Good luck.

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